All of us want something. A new car, perhaps, or a winning lottery number. Maybe we're hungry, and could just use a nice hoagie sandwich.
Think hard. There's something you want. Maybe it's fame. A loving relationship. Or a new muffler.
It's natural to want things. It's only human.
Here in Hell, we specialize in making dreams come true. Wish your enemies were dead? That can be arranged. Need to lose a few extra pounds? No problem.
In fact, anything you want can be yours for the rock-bottom price of your soul. Think about it. Your every desire quenched, in exchange for something that's invisible, something you don't even use! And you'll still retain the partial use of your body and mind.
Your benefits start the moment we make the pact. You'll immediately enjoy profound darkness and despair, pleasantly soothing the rest of your torment-filled years. It's life as only Hell could make it.
Then you'll get to spend eternity in the toasty fires of Hades, where life-giving sulphur will gently cleanse your skin, and moisturizing maggots will caress your flesh. You'll whine and dine with famous people, plunge into the calming waters of the Lake of Fire, and go spelunking in the Abyss of Hopelessness. And you'll get the tan of your life on the acrid shores of River Styx.
And if you act now, we'll throw in a free tote bag! You can proudly announce to the world that your soul is claimed by our Lord Satan.
