Think of how empty your life would be without me, the letter R. You'd miss relaxing, resting, and reading. You'd lose everyday staples like rice and rigatoni. You couldn't run, roll, or reach.
My detractors point out that there would also be no rape, riots, or ruin. True enough. But there'd also be no rock and roll, no Robin Williams. Worst of all, you'd have no relatives.
Friends, I need your support now more than ever. Several other letters are conspiring against me, trying to have me barred from the alphabet. (I won't name names.)
It is true that I have not been a model letter. I have an addiction to gambling, and have run up debts in excess of $50,000 during the last two years. I have also, on occasion, abused drugs. In my defense, I must say that it's no picnic being sandwiched between Q, the letter who's too good to be included in any words, and S, the whore of the alphabet. (You think I've got problems? Just look at Q's codependency on U!)
I am trying to be frank with you, the Western speaking world, so that you might look upon my situation with pity. I would like to attend rehab, but if I am gone, such a thing will not exist. Neither will recovery, reform, or repentance.
Don't let them throw me out. You and I have had good times together, and they can be repeated.
Really.
