"Windows blows. That's why I call it WINBLOWS. It sucks! It's lousy! It's a giant graphical DOS shell! If you're an idiot who doesn't know how to use DOS, then you need it. You gotta have it."
For nearly a decade, Chris Faust's outspoken opinions have shaped the computer industry. Now, Microsoft is proud to present Windows CF, the only version of Windows designed and approved by Chris Faust. Rather than cumbersome graphical interfaces, Windows CF boots directly into the revolutionary new command-line interface called DOS.
"Macintoshes blow. They're for stupid people who think [whiny voice], "We have a chance, we're still the number one desktop publishing company out there!" Yeah right, then why does fuckin' Adobe release Photoshop for the PC first? I'll tell you why: because Macs are DEAD! They're nothing!"
On the hour, a Macintosh icon appears on your screen and is immediately smashed by a hammer. It's the way Chris Faust wanted it. It's the way we built it.
"Rush RULES. They are not only the greatest band alive, but the greatest band that has ever existed. I defy you to find me a better band on the PLANET!"
Choose from an assortment of Windows CF sound schemes designed by the industry analyst himself, including "Classic Rush," "Live Rush," and "The Last Five Rush Albums."
"Plain and simple: Peter Norton rules. He is a god, and we should all bow to him. He has the best suite of utilities available. If you have a virus on a floppy disk that is sitting near your computer (not even in the drive), he'll tell you. He can sniff it without even running the disk! Norton products are the most incredible products that have ever existed."
Windows CF comes pre-loaded with every Peter Norton utility ever released, dating back to 1979's Norton Hard Disk Thrasher 1.0. It's the operating system designed to meet Chris Faust's exacting specifications.
"Why does everyone want a TRASH CAN? You know what a trash can is? It's a fuckin' greasy, slimy, fly-infested, disgusting thing that sits out in front of your house. Do you keep your trash can inside your house? No! Because it's trash! JUST LIKE A MAC."
All files deleted in Windows CF are irrevocably destroyed, never to be retrieved by any program. That's the way Chris Faust and his team of fifty top Microsoft engineers designed it.
"It makes me so mad that nobody cares about speed or performance. Everybody's a goddamn mouse-fondler."
Windows CF will change all that. E-mail chris_faust@zdnet.com for more details.
All quotes taken from actual conversations with Chris Faust. "Windows" and "Chris Faust" are registred trademarks of The Microsoft Corporation. The likeness or facsimile of Mr. Faust may not be used without the express written permission of Microsoft. The opinions of Mr. Faust are his own, and in no way reflect the views of Microsoft or its employees. Some Norton products may not work as well as advertised. Adobe did not actually release Photoshop for the PC first. Some trash cans are not greasy or fly-infested. Some people are not goddamn mouse-fondlers. This is a parody and not to be taken seriously.
|
