27 Funny Ways To Get Rid of Debt Collectors.

by John Hargrave and the readers of ZUG

I recently got a call from a debt collection agency.

At first, I thought he was a telemarketer. I used my patented, foolproof method for getting rid of telemarketers ("He's dead"), but as I explained in my original article, that excuse didn't work. Eventually, after pretending to be a small Hispanic man named Pepe, I got rid of him.

The best way to get rid of collection agencies, of course, is to pay your bill. But that requires money, which is hard to obtain without working.

So I thought it would be helpful to list all the different excuses you could use to get rid of debt collection agencies. I turned to the ZUG comedy community, who provided the all-purpose excuses listed below.

We're always looking for additional funny ideas to add to the list. If you have one, send it in!

1. "I can't pay you because I'm dead."

(submitted by TheFoye)

2. "I'll pay it when the white man gives me my reparations." (Even funnier if you're a white man.)

(submitted by syncope)

3. "When can we expect the payment?"
"You can EXPECT it any time you want to!"

(submitted by Chit)

4. Just tell them you have explosive diarrhea.

(submitted by BlaiseMilla)

5. "I'm sorry, I can't speak to you right now, I've got a baby cooking on the stove."

(submitted by Ring Around the Collar)

6. "I just purchased a wealth-building system on TV, buying foreclosed properties. I should be making $60,000 a month soon, so don't sweat it. Those two midgets wouldn't lie."

(submitted by BlaiseMilla)

7. "Look, could you just wait until my outbreak clears up and I can turning tricks again?"

(submitted by Straw)

8. "I don't feel that I received my money's worth from your product/service yet."

(submitted by syncope)

9. "Sorry, can't talk. I'm busy shooting a gay porn."

(submitted by BlaiseMilla)

10. "Yeah, unless you're my crack dealer, it's not looking very good this month."

(submitted by Chit)

11. "Sorry, I have Multiple Personality Disorder. I don't recall applying for your credit card, so you're gonna have to call back and talk to my other personalities to see if they know anything about it."

(submitted by DevilDog)

12. "I'm currently being held in a secure mental health facility. I ate the last guy who tried to take money from me. He tasted a bit like pork. I wonder what you taste like."

(submitted by KingMikeII)

13. "My wife's in charge of the finances. You'll have to ask her. She should be back soon. She said she was going to visit her sister for lunch. That was about two weeks ago. She probably ordered the squid. That always takes a while. Should be back soon, though."

(submitted by Spicey McHaggis)

14. "Unless you're gonna send someone out to break my legs, my bookie gets paid first."

(submitted by Shell Belle)

15. "I'm a nudist, so I can only pay you in change."

(submitted by Fratberry)

16. "I'm short on cash this month. Will you accept sexual favors instead?"

(submitted by Shell Belle)

17. "I'M HAVING A MISCARRIAGE!"

(submitted by Sarah Chicka Wow Wow)

18. Talk to them in a 3rd person narrative: "Sakon cringed when the whiny-voiced bill collector asked if Sakon was home; for he knew they wanted him to pay overdue electric bill. But Sakon was smart and decided to tell the bill collector that he wasn't home. But to Sakon's horror the bill collector knew that he was in fact talking to Sakon!" etc. etc.

(submitted by Sakon)

19. "Sorry, I'm way too busy masturbating to the sound of your voice to pay my electric bill right now."

(submitted by Sakon)

20. "Would you like to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?"

(submitted by Zeus Lightnington)

21. "Hey, I'm having phone sex on the other line. Could you call back in half an hour?"

(submitted by Sandman)

22. In the middle of the conversation, have somebody start raving loudly in the background.

"Oh God -- Yves hears the voices again. Oh God. Hold on a sec -- oh God, he's got a knife. Yves, put down the knife -- no, Yves!"

Let out a bloodcurdling scream, then thump your head on the table. Pause, then start talking in an obviously fake French accent.

(submitted by Severity, Scourge of the Seven Seas)

23. "I'm willing to sell you my body parts to pay the debt. UCLA has bought and sold cadavers for $12,500; so that seems to be market value. I'll let you have two kidneys, two lungs and my liver for $8,000. If you want my penis, that's an extra $300. Do you want the specs on that organ?"

(submitted by Alan Abel)

24. Pretend you're a mute. Moan loadly while you tap Morse code into the receiver. Bonus points if you actually know Morse code, and use it to insult the debt collector without them knowing it.

(submitted by Davey)

25. I've found that simply mentioning that you are taking a dump will deter most callers, including the notoriously tenacious military recruiters. Flush if necessary.

(submitted by Kate)

26. "Yes, I am aware of that debt ... *fake static* ... I'm losing you ... *more static with fragments of words in between* ... Is that on my *static* end or yours ... I'm los*static*ing you ... you'll have to call *static* later."

(submitted by The Dude)

27. Say he/she is on the toilet and ask if you should get get him/her. If yes, say "hold on," then pretend to be on the toilet. Don't get into conversation ... just make lots of groaning noises, and if you're good at sound effects, some splashes too.

(submitted by Mike)