Could I get even cleaner than the Master Cleanse?

I recently read about the Master Cleanse Diet, a cleansing program that involves drinking lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for ten days, with the promises that you will "lose weight, have more energy, and be happier in 10 days." Since I've spent most of my adult life trying to lose weight, have more energy, and be happier, I thought the promise of doing it all in 10 days sounded pretty good.

Not pictured: maple syrup, cayenne pepper, suffering.

But the more I thought about it, the more I felt that the Master Cleanse wasn't enough. I wanted more. I wanted to lose weight, have more energy, be happier, and not have to suffer for 10 days. I wanted the ultimate cleanse, which not only would rid my body and mind of unwanted toxins, but also not be difficult.

And that's how I came up with the GigaCleanse™.

The GigaCleanse™, which is trademarked and therefore more important, combines the Master Cleanse, colon cleansing, and what we'll call "mind cleansing," which involves tricking yourself into believing that the diet is ridiculously easy. Over the next ten days, I will undergo my own program and report on the results. Here's how it works.

DAY 0. On a sheet of paper, hand-write the following statements.

I will feel good.
I will feel full.
I will feel energetic.
I will feel happy.
I will feel funny.

The last one is optional, that's more for me, since I have to somehow maintain a ten-part comedy series around drinking lemon juice.

You can add your own goals (i.e. "I will feel horny," "I will feel like Jennifer Aniston," etc.), but make sure they're positive goals, since you will actually be feeling this way for the next ten days.

On the first day, spend ten minutes in the morning, and ten minutes in the evening, repeating these goals slowly to yourself, with your eyes closed and your breathing deep. It is vitally important that you do this for at least ten minutes in the morning, and ten minutes in the evening. You will be tempted to skip this step, but I am going to repeat it again: ten minutes in the morning, and ten minutes in the evening. "Ten shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be ten."

"I will not eat so many cookies."

Next, fold your piece of paper (we'll call this your "mind-tricking paper") and put it in your pocket. At least ten times throughout the day, pull out the paper and re-read it. Don't be afraid to put some feeling into it. If necessary, perform it in song. Don't just recite it: trick your mind into believing it. If you want this to work, then pretend like it's going to work, until it works. Fake it 'til you make it.

On Day 0, you don't have to do anything else. Keep your regular, crappy, energy-draining diet in place. This really is the crucial first step: write down your mind-tricking statements on a piece of paper, repeat them slowly for ten minutes in the morning and ten minutes in the evening, then repeat them ten times throughout the day.

This is going to work. It's the GigaCleanse™. You can trust it. It's trademarked.