The GigaCleanse™ Diet: Day 1

The core of the GigaCleanse™ is the Master Cleanse, also known as the "Lemonade Diet," a radical fasting program where you drink only salt water and a homemade "lemonade" beverage consisting of fresh lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. It was created by alternative health nut Stanley Burroughs in the 1940's, and has been wildly popular ever since. Celebrities love it, because it allows you to lose weight quickly: Beyonce used the diet to lose 22 pounds for her role in Dreamgirls, and Howard Stern's co-host Robin Quivers lost 73 pounds on the Master Cleanse.

The Master Cleanse is the foundation for The GigaCleanse™, which will be featured on The View any day now. After your day of mental prep, here's how you start the lemonade portion of the diet.

DAY 1. Starting weight: 159 pounds.

I went to my local Whole Foods and stocked up on all the supplies I would need for my cleanse: maple syrup, cayenne pepper, sea salt, and spring water, and an assload of lemons.

"When life gives you an assload of lemons, make an assload of lemonade."

I brought home the supplies and stacked them on the counter, my meal plan for the foreseeable future.

"The four food groups: salt, pepper, lemons, and syrup"

I then prepared the first of the "internal salt water baths," as Burroughs called them. Basically this is two teaspoons of salt dissolved in one quart of lukewarm water, which is just as tasty as it sounds. The saline acts as a "cleansing agent," scrubbing out your insides like an all-natural pressure sprayer. Imagine sipping a quart of nice, warm seawater, with a lemonade chaser.

"Mmm ... saline"

After an hour, they say, you will feel the urge to "eliminate." Let me be more specific. You remember that tsunami that struck Thailand a few years ago? That's what you'll be producing.

"POO-NAMI!"

Then I prepared the first of many, many lemonade drinks. The recipe for the day is:

8 oz fresh-squeezed lemon juice (about 3-4 lemons)
8 oz Grade B organic maple syrup
1 tsp caynenne pepper
11 cups water

"BEHOLD! THE CLEANSING POWER OF LEMONS!"

As diet drinks go, the lemonade isn't too bad. It's no Country Time, mind you -- it would need a quart of corn syrup and artificial coloring for that -- but it's got a nice sweet/tart balance, with a little kick from the cayenne pepper. On the scale of diet drinks, it's better than TAB, but worse than water.

As I sipped my first glass, I felt the remaining drops of my "saline bath" squirt out into my underwear. So I quickly adjusted my affirmation statements:

The GigaCleanse™ was working, all right -- a little too well. Where would the diet take me from here? Stay tuned for Part 3.