The GigaCleanse™ Diet: Day 2

For ten days, I'm on the GigaCleanse™, which is three cleanses in one: the famous Master Cleanse diet, a colon cleanse program, and a mind cleanse where you trick yourself into thinking that you should be doing this.

Helpful tip: use one of these old-skool juicers for your lemons -- they trap seeds and pulp.

This kind of juicer should only be used if you're in prison, and need to kill someone in a pinch.

DAY 2. Starting weight: 157 pounds.

I'm an idiot, because I'm only now realizing what I've gotten myself into. See, this is my problem. I get so excited about an idea for ZUG that I lose all sense of reason. "I'll drink nothing but lemonade and salt water for ten days! It will be hilarious!" Then around the second day, I understand: I'm drinking nothing but lemonade and salt water for ten days. I am a moron.

This is not a cleanse, it's a FAST!

He tricked me! Stanley Burroughs, the wacky health nut from the 1940's, is a deceitful viper! He called his program the "Master Cleanse" because he knew if he called it the "Juice Fast" no one would possibly want to do it. But that's what it is: you're going without solid food, only his nutty lemonade drink, for ten days. Anyone who's tried going without food for even one day knows that this is craziness. But now my reputation is at stake.

Takeaway: If you want to successfully complete the GigaCleanse™, it helps to blog about it in real time, because then you'll be too embarrassed to quit.

Today was difficult, first because of my realization that I'm an idiot, and second because I am addicted to caffeine. I drink 4-6 cups of coffee a day, and starting yesterday I went cold turkey (mmm ... cold turkey). Lack of energy, lack of focus, and general irritability. But anytime I felt the urge to complain, or (more frequently) to eat, I would go back to my positive affirmations:

Then I'd have a sip of spicy lemonade, put on some fresh underwear, and everything would be all right. Mind over matter. Or more accurately, mind over Master Cleanse.