The GigaCleanse™ Diet: Day 7

DAY 7. Starting weight: 150.5 pounds. Today I wanted to prove how well the GigaCleanse™ works, so I joined some friends at the Cheesecake Factory, to show that I could be surrounded by temptation and not be swayed.

The Cheesecake Factory is notorious for the world's largest menu of mediocre food. There are literally hundreds of bland items in every conceivable category. Instead of a menu, they should provide a sortable database. Here are just two pages of the 40-page menuzine:

They actually sell tacky ad space in their menu. 40 pages of food, and no taste.

The portions at Cheesecake Factory would make Paul Bunyan take home a doggy bag. Appetizers have to be wheeled in on a hospital gurney. Main courses arrive dripping in a full bottle of olive oil. Workers in the kitchen have huge hoses labeled BROWN SAUCE, SALAD DRESSING, CATSUP, which they spray full-force onto buckets of food, then glop onto enormous platters and garnish with sprigs of parsley.

This might sound disgusting, but what did you expect? They told you it was a factory!

When our waitress asked for my order, I just pointed to my jug of lemonade and said, "I brought my lunch, thanks."

I can't say this was an easy moment, though.

As my friends dug into quivering heaps of overcooked faux-Asian pasta, and lifeless lumps of doughy meat, I asked if anyone wanted a shot of my Power Juice. I couldn't get anybody to drink the lemonade. I would make a terrible cult leader.

Livin' La Vida Lemon.

For an hour and a half, I demonstrated the power of mind over meals. The Cheesecake Factory is the epitome of American consumption, and I sat in the middle of one and refused to consume. I felt like a modern-day Gandhi.