The GigaCleanse™ Diet: Day 9

DAY 9. Starting weight: 150 pounds. I'm now officially the lightest I've been since I was a teenager. And also the horniest. Unfortunately, since I now smell like a bottle of Lemon Palmolive, my wife won't come anywhere near me. "No thanks, Mr. Clean."

I'm here to report the claims are true: I have lost weight, I have more energy, and I feel happier -- though I may just be feeling happier because I'm going to eat again in two days.

Not pictured: mind-numbing hunger

For other people who will try the GigaCleanse™, here are some helpful tips for making it through:

- Take it in stages. When you feel the urge to eat something, vow to make it until noon. Then vow to make it until evening. You will look forward to going to sleep, because it is another day accomplished, and because you won't have to drink maply lemonade for 8 hours.

- Mix it all in the morning. It's really the simplest, most convenient diet you can imagine: just mix up three quarts of lemonade in a jug in the morning, and sip throughout the day. (Use a moonshine jug if you live in Kentucky.)

- It all starts in the mind. I really can't emphasize enough how important the constant affirmations are. Use them as your weapon against thoughts of eating, replacing your cravings with endless repetition of your positive statements. I know this sounds cheesy, but it works. Your brain is surprisingly dumb.

- Vow to make it the full ten days. Tell everyone you're going to do it, which will make it embarrassing for you to quit. Keep a blog about your experience. Be sure to link back to this feature, crediting me as your health guru.

- Do not think about time remaining. When I trained for a marathon, I found the critical mental trick was to think about how far I had come, not how far I had to go. Congratulate yourself on your achievement, take it in stages, and don't think about Day 10 ... until Day 10. Then think about Day 11.

- Stay near the toilet. After your morning salt water chug, plan on being near a toilet for one to two hours. Don't drink it in a car, on a plane, during a business meeting, just before school, in a church service, at a loved one's funeral, just before your wedding, during a tennis match, while hosting the ambassador of China, or just before a mission to space -- unless you want to serve everyone around you a delightful plum pudding.

Sorry that all my jokes are food jokes. I haven't eaten in nine days.