DAY 10 IS HERE! DAY 10 IS HERE! I feel sunny as a lemon today, maybe because my body is now 53% citrus.
Truthfully, I feel fantastic, completely energized. Here's the truth: this diet is difficult, but it's not as difficult as you'd think (especially if you think it's not difficult). And the feeling of supreme accomplishment and self-respect you get from going through it is totally worthwhile.
Of course, that's easy for me to say, I'm on Day 10.
I wanted to see what my doctor thought about all this, so I called her today. "Dr. Klein" has been my primary care physician for the last three years, and she's hip. To psych her out, I pretended like I was just about to begin the GigaCleanse™ program.
JOHN HARGRAVE: I'm thinking of doing this diet, and I wanted to get your opinion on it.
DR. KLEIN: Okay.
JH: So it's basically drinking lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for ten days.
JH: Right. And you also drink a quart of salt water in the morning.
DK: Mmm-hmm.
JH: And a high-fiber colon cleaning supplement at night.
DK: So do you need to lose weight?
JH: Not really.
DK: So why are you doing this?
JH: I'm a comedy writer.
DK: Couldn't you write about people who try these fad diets, instead of doing it yourself?
JH: No.
DK: [Laughing] Why not?
JH: Not funny enough.
DK: Look, the secret of losing weight is very simple: you burn more calories than you consume. So the most sensible plan is to eat less and exercise more.
JH: I'm not looking for sensible. I just want to know if I'm going to die.
DK: How long are you going to do it?
JH: Ten days.
DK: Ten days.
JH: It's called the GigaCleanse™.
DK: Uh-huh.
JH: It's trademarked.
DK: You probably won't die, but I wouldn't recommend it.
JH: Why not?
DK: People who do these crash diets usually don't change their eating behaviors, so they put the weight back on as soon as they start eating again.
JH: So maybe I'll start a diet program to go along with it.
DK: The GigaDiet™?
JH: You're a genius. I will call it the GigaDiet™.
DK: [Laughing]
JH: Can I put you down as my medical endorsement?
DK: No! Absolutely not!
JH: These diets need some kind of doctor behind them. Come on. We can get rich.
DK: Anything else today?
JH: We could be on Oprah, like, next week.
DK: OK, is that it?
JH: All right. So you don't recommend the GigaCleanse™ because it doesn't work, and you won't endorse the GigaDiet™ because you don't want to get rich.
DK: Something like that.
JH: Okay, well, I've been playing with you. I'm actually on the last day of the GigaCleanse™.
DK: [Annoyed pause] You are, huh?
JH: Yep. I lost over ten pounds, and I feel great! What does your medical science think of that?
DK: Pretty much the same thing. Listen, I have patients to see here...
JH: I know. Listen, just think about my offer. A GigaDiet™ book would bring us at least a million clams each. And by "clams" I mean "dollars," not the seafood.
DK: Okay, John.
JH: I'm sorry, all my analogies relate to food. I'm kind of hungry.
DK: I'll bet.
JH: Okay. Thanks for the medical "advice," Dr. Klein.
DK: No problem. Have a good day.
She couldn't see that I was actually making air quotes with my fingers around the word "advice."
Before beginning any fad diet, you should consult with a medical professional, who will try to talk you out of it. The choice is yours: listen to your doctor, or listen to a crazy non-licensed health kook from the 1940's. Me, I'll take the health kook, because I don't trust doctors.
And now, as the first successful GigaCleanse™ program draws to a close, I will retire for bed early, if only so I can eat sooner tomorrow. It's only 2:30 pm, but why let that stop me? I'm 12 pounds lighter, so I don't have much energy to stay awake. Good night, everyone.
