ZUG: Real-Life Comedy From Funny People Like You

What It Feels Like

Now for the first-person perspective from Jeff.

9:30 p.m.: An atomic bomb was going off in my lower intestine, with gunfire in my gut. The pain was stabbing harder and harder, definitely not fun.

Jeff: "Please don't jerk the car."

Skeeter: "What?"

Jeff: "Don't jerk the car, it hurts me."

Skeeter: "What, like this?" (Swerving madly)

Jeff: "Oh God it hurts, don't!"

Skeeter: (Laughing uncontrollably)

Jeff: "Avoid the potholes!"

9:45 p.m.: Arrival and unloading the groceries, the stairs were horrible on the stabbing pain in my stomach.

10:25 p.m.: Big signs of gurgling, a volcano of molten dookie.

Jeff: "It's like a string of black cats going off in my intestine."

10:30 p.m.: False alarm! Extreme amount of gas: sounds like a broken tuba.



10:47 p.m.: First signs of evacuation, solid but soft. Just the perfect one, only a handful of poop. Then, of course, I ran out of toilet paper.

11:00 p.m.: Sat down to watch a movie. Got through the entire thing without a single gurgle ... until 2:24 a.m.

2:24 a.m.: This is where it starts to get shitty (no pun intended). The pain is unbearable!



Jeff: "Why is it doing this to me? Why do my farts smell like plastic? It's not working like it's supposed to! Who invented Ex-Lax and why? It burns so bad! Mommy!"

2:27 a.m.: First signs of The Reah, very wet with lots of chunks. The pain is still there and has not died out. Totally caught off guard by this one. This was the SWAT team of shit.

2:29 a.m.: Still flowing out like Niagara Falls. Looks like Mexican jumping beans and smells highly of plastic. Everything burns.

Jeff: "It looks like my ass was home to a Mexican carnival and squirrels ... some pieces look like acorns. It still hurts immensely. I can't even feel it even more."



2:33 a.m.: Still on toilet, painfully dumping out cheese nickels.

2:37 a.m.: Projectile pooping. I could probably hit a target from a few feet away. The phrase "Oh God" is repeated quite a lot and very loosely, much like my bowels.

Jeff: "I think my ass is talking to me ... it's saying how much it hates me. It's like my ass is drunk but I’m not."

Skeeter: "Any regret in taking the Ex-Lax?"

The only answer was a lot of heaving, breathing and grunting. It was like birthing a baby, but much worse.



2:42 a.m.: Still pooping in pain.

Skeeter: "Is it gentle, like it says on the box?"

Jeff: "Fuck that! They should be sued for false advertising."

2:48 a.m.: More than five hours after I took the Ex-Lax, I am still on the toilet, but the pain is slowly dissipating. Finally.

2:53 a.m.: A massive wiping effort ensues, which is like cleaning up an oil spill over protected wetlands. My ass burns like crazy, and my legs are numb from my prolonged seating. I'm never touching the 'Lax again.