Ex-Lax Extreme:
The Ultimate Colon Cleanse
|
|
|
Prank Phone Call to Ex-Lax
As kids, everyone jokes about slipping their friends a massive dose of Ex-Lax. The thought of someone spending hours hunched over the commode, all because they ate a piece of tasty chocolate, seems hilarious.
Trust me, there is no hilarity in it.
My friend Jeff took six times the suggested dose of Ex-Lax, and spent a full day in Pooterpalooza. Drained, exhausted, sweat dripping from his body, he then called Novartis Consumer Health, the makers of the famous poo pill, to complain. A lady with a heavy Indian accent picked up.
Customer Support: Thank you for calling Novartis, how can I assist you?
Jeff: Yes, I recently took your product and I am finding myself unable to leave the toilet.
CS: May I first have your name sir?
Jeff: John.
CS: And what product are you calling about, John?
Jeff: Maximum strength Ex-Lax Chocolate.
CS: Okay, what is your problem?
Jeff: Well, I accidently misinterpreted the directions and took six times the suggested dose.
CS: [Alarmed] Now how many pieces did you take??
Jeff: Well ... let's see. How many are in a bar?
CS: There are twelve pieces in a bar.
Jeff: Twelve.
CS: You took twelve pieces!?
Jeff: Yes. I thought it was a Hershey bar.
CS: Can you tell me your symptoms?
Jeff: It feels like a small bomb exploded in my intestines.
CS: So you have pain, yes?
Jeff: Lady, you have no idea! Somebody's playing the 1812 Overture in my colon.
CS: Have you contacted your doctor?
Jeff: Yes, he laughed and told me it would pass. Oh, it's passing alright.
CS: How long ago did you take the product?
Jeff: Oh what, two days now.
CS: Two days!?
Jeff: Yeah, no big deal, I just need to know when it’s going to stop. I can't leave the toilet! My ass is numb.
CS: What did your doctor say?
Jeff: I told you, he laughed. He doesn't know much about ass.
CS: I cannot tell you when it will finish, since you took over the recommended dose.
Jeff: Look, my toilet is stained brown. Can you guys at least reimburse me for some toilet cleaner?
CS: I am sorry, sir... [Suddenly interrupted by a loud, explosive fart]
Jeff: Oh God!
CS: Sir, you need to consult your doctor or pharmacist. We cannot legally tell you what to do.
Jeff: Is it supposed to smell like plastic?
CS: Sir, can I please have your number?
Jeff: Oh God, hold on... [Running water, loud toilet flush, more gas]
CS: Sir, can I please have your number in case we need to contact your doctor?
Jeff: No. This is already embarrassing enough. I just need to know how long I'll have to sit in agony here. The toilet seat is cutting off circulation to my legs.
CS: [Silence]
Jeff: I will tell you one thing, it is sure as hell not "smooth and gentle overnight relief"! I can't sleep for shit, and I use that term loosely. Get it? Loosely?
CS: [Silence]
Jeff: Because my bowels are loose?
CS: Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?
Jeff: Trust me, you and your product have done enough!
CS: [Click]
So there you have it: two days on the crapper, and then they hang up on you. If you ask me, that's pretty shitty customer service.
If you enjoyed Ex-Lax Extreme, you might also enjoy The Colon Cleansing Prank, where our brave reporter investigates whether those colon cleansing products really work.
|
