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With the possible exception of body hair removal, nothing terrifies me more than forest fires. When I see a blaze on TV destroying thousands of acres of pristine wilderness, I clutch my nipples instinctively. This is because one of the largest remaining areas of unprotected woodland in the world today exists on my chest.
I'm not exaggerating: I often wake up to the unpleasant sensation of large paper mills being constructed next to my navel. I've considered various products that promise hair removal for men, but body hair removal is not an easy task. A razor with a mere four blades is useless on such dense undergrowth. Even if the dream of a 76 blade razor is one day realized, it likely won't have the precision to cut closely around the shape of my rock hard abs.  But one day, after a group of drunk college students failed to return home from a bush party near my left armpit, I decided I had to do something. As luck would have it, this happened around the same time I received an e-mail for Revitol Hair Removal Cream with Aloe Vera, so I ordered a bottle. It was delicious, so I ordered a second bottle to use on my chest. When the bottle arrived, I began to have second thoughts. I'm no sciencetician, but if the cream is capable of destroying hair, what would it do to my delicate, precious skin? So I decided to start small with just a tiny patch. "But what sort of patch?" I wondered. We threw the question to ZUG's message board, who came up with many ideas for patterns to shave into my body hair. I chose to manscape the Superman logo into my chest.
I had never used a hair removal product like Revitol, so I decided to conduct some experiments first. I started with animal experiments...
. . . but there was no effect whatsoever.
On the bright side, I was happy to see that the teddy bear didn't burst into flames. This significantly increased my confidence about putting the Revitol cream on myself, although I still harbored a secret desire to make the bear look like Superman. I tried concentrated toilet cleaner instead of hair removal cream, but there was no effect. I tried shaving the bear, and nearly broke my beard trimmer (look for a "do not use to shave bears" warning in the future after Remington gets my complaint letter). The bear was indestructible. I eventually had to accept that it's not the logo on the bear's chest that matters, it's the washcloth-cape on his back.
The only thing left to do was to put the hair removal cream on myself and hope for superpowers. Read on, or Super Bear will kill you.
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