Behold My Superpowers

I had shaved the Superman logo into my chest. I could feel the superpowers flowing through my veins, but a leap from my futon had failed to translate into flying. I guess hair removal for men only goes so far when it comes to heavier than air flight.

Although I was tempted to try the Sears Tower next, several sober people encouraged me to start more slowly. They suggested it was possible that it would take some time for my flying powers to develop, and that testing my golfing superpowers would be safer.

On my first attempt golfing as Superman, I shot 40 on 9 holes. That's pretty good for me, but it's not super. And anyone who knows a par-3 course might say it's bad. (Those people are jerks.)

But I knew what was missing: A cape! I set off to find one.

I tried several stores, but everywhere I went, I encountered people who laughed at me. Clearly they could sense my weakness. I needed superpowers fast. In fact, at one point, when I stopped for coffee at a Tim Horton's, I was harassed by the staff until I left. (Something about a "shirt," whatever that is.)

However, as I wondered from store to store, I also had several positive comments. If not for citizens like the lovely young woman who said "Awesome, dude," or the gay firefighters who stopped to chat, I would probably have given up crimefighting then and there. But I carried on, in part due to the motorists who honked when they saw me.

Most storekeepers were reasonable, allowing me to search their inventory for a cape. I took no chances, searching everywhere I could.

Although I don't use illegal drugs (assuming heroin is legal), I left no stone unturned in my search for a cape:

Note to American readers: If you looked at that picture, you're now a wanted felon. I'm sorry.

At one point, I took a break to read a novel at a used book store...

...until I was confronted by the proprietor. He was a million times cooler than the staff at Tim Horton's, though, and didn't ask me any silly questions about what I was doing. Still, there was something odd about him. I can't put my finger on it.

His beard is slightly uneven. That's it.

In the end, I visited many stores, but was unable to find a red cape. I did find a black cape, but it failed to improve my golf scores (I shot 107 on 18 holes on a full-length course). My dreams of becoming a superhero were over. It was with great sadness that I shaved the Superman logo off of my chest. I nearly cried.

But to be honest with you, a part of me is glad to be back to my regular style.