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Put Me to Sleep:
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Mom always says it's important you get a good night's sleep.
As lonely as it is to stare at the clock every night (Look Ma, no sleep!), I'm not alone. Thirty-four million Americans suffer from insomnia and sleep-related disorders, whether from stress, health, or ambitious double-lives forcing you to be awake twice as long. (Am I right, schoolteachers/madames?)
I decided to try to cure my own insomnia by putting various insomnia solutions to the test. And, since I have graduated and become very successful and wealthy, I was able to afford the best possible remedies.
For this experiment, I tried three full weeks of sleep aids. In Week One, I tried various bedtime routines to assure slumber. In Week Two, I tried edible cures believed to put you to sleep. In Week Three, I tried a batch of natural remedies. Some of these seemed like better ideas at the time. But then again, sleeplessness can make you delirious.
WEEK ONE: PRE-SLEEP ROUTINES
Some experts say to disassociate anything from your room that is not sleep; when you walk in the room, your subconscious should know it's lights out. However, other experts say that small winding-down rituals can be helpful. I wanted to find out who was right. Here's what I tried.
If I were an expert, which I am, my official finding would be that counting sheep is dumb. I never even make it to 100, because I just sit there stewing at what a dumb idea it is. By the time I find myself counting in the seventies, I'm just pissed off and haven't even thought about sheep for several minutes.
I eventually fell asleep. But first I had to put the book down, turn the lights out, and toss and turn as usual. And I was stressing out worrying about my protagonist, little Dartanion. Oh, will he ever be a musketeer?
Then I played with my fancy long-range Walkie-talkies, just to see if I could make contact with some truckers on CB Radio. I wanted to tell them that I couldn't sleep, and see if we could keep each other company.
5) Hot bath. Result: Very effective. I also tried a saltbath soak, which I found even more effective, as it seemed to relax my muscles better. Only setback is that a big relaxing bath can be a process, so you'll be getting to bed later. On the other hand, the sleep you get will be more restful. And will smell prettier.
6) Meditating. Result: Inconclusive. This one is tricky. Meditating is undeniably good for you, and it eases the mind and body. But how many of us really know how to properly meditate, or are successful at it? Despite my best intentions, I've had no formal meditation training, so I nodded off and fell flat on my face. Flat and sleeplessly.
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