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Put Me to Sleep:
Put Me to Sleep: World's Best Insomnia Remedies
World's Best
Insomnia Remedies


by Rentut

Introduction
Week One: Bedtime Rituals
Week Two: Edible Cures
Week Three: Herbal Remedies
Final Rankings






My quest: to find the world's best insomnia remedy.

 

Mom always says it's important you get a good night's sleep.

 

Eric Idle
For years, I have been balancing two lives in one day. Hardworking honor student by day, club-roaming comedian by night. This, inevitably, has led to an insomnia so intense, Al Pacino called me one night asking for advice on intensity. Hoo-waa!

 

As lonely as it is to stare at the clock every night (Look Ma, no sleep!), I'm not alone. Thirty-four million Americans suffer from insomnia and sleep-related disorders, whether from stress, health, or ambitious double-lives forcing you to be awake twice as long. (Am I right, schoolteachers/madames?)

 

I decided to try to cure my own insomnia by putting various insomnia solutions to the test. And, since I have graduated and become very successful and wealthy, I was able to afford the best possible remedies.

 

 

For this experiment, I tried three full weeks of sleep aids. In Week One, I tried various bedtime routines to assure slumber. In Week Two, I tried edible cures believed to put you to sleep. In Week Three, I tried a batch of natural remedies. Some of these seemed like better ideas at the time. But then again, sleeplessness can make you delirious.

 

WEEK ONE: PRE-SLEEP ROUTINES

 

Some experts say to disassociate anything from your room that is not sleep; when you walk in the room, your subconscious should know it's lights out. However, other experts say that small winding-down rituals can be helpful. I wanted to find out who was right. Here's what I tried.

 


1) Counting sheep. Result: Completely ineffective. Frustrating, and you can't really concentrate. I even bought a bedspread with sheep on it; in case my sheep focus slipped, I could refer to a visual aid. No dice.

 

 

If I were an expert, which I am, my official finding would be that counting sheep is dumb. I never even make it to 100, because I just sit there stewing at what a dumb idea it is. By the time I find myself counting in the seventies, I'm just pissed off and haven't even thought about sheep for several minutes.

 


2) Reading. Result: Somewhat effective. I read a huge book, a classic. It was written a long time ago by a smart European guy. My stuffed Big Bird fell right asleep, so I was hoping it was just a matter of time for me.

 

 

I eventually fell asleep. But first I had to put the book down, turn the lights out, and toss and turn as usual. And I was stressing out worrying about my protagonist, little Dartanion. Oh, will he ever be a musketeer?

 


3) Passive entertainment. Result: Completely ineffective. The idea is passive entertainment (listening to music or watching a little TV) rather than active entertainment (videogames or World of Warcraft). The first night I attempted this, I put on the TV and Sleepless In Seattle was on. The second night, I just stayed up watching TV, tuning in with the hopes of seeing anything but Sleepless in Seattle.

 

 

Then I played with my fancy long-range Walkie-talkies, just to see if I could make contact with some truckers on CB Radio. I wanted to tell them that I couldn't sleep, and see if we could keep each other company.

 


4) Non-electronic entertainment. Result: Somewhat effective. Some experts say you should get out of bed, and spend 15 minutes with some relaxing activity. Others say you can do it right there in bed. I played cards; a little low-key mental stimulation. I went back to bed about 20 minutes later, and realized that I had no freaking idea what game I was playing.

 

 

5) Hot bath. Result: Very effective. I also tried a saltbath soak, which I found even more effective, as it seemed to relax my muscles better. Only setback is that a big relaxing bath can be a process, so you'll be getting to bed later. On the other hand, the sleep you get will be more restful. And will smell prettier.

 

 

6) Meditating. Result: Inconclusive. This one is tricky. Meditating is undeniably good for you, and it eases the mind and body. But how many of us really know how to properly meditate, or are successful at it? Despite my best intentions, I've had no formal meditation training, so I nodded off and fell flat on my face. Flat and sleeplessly.


WEEK ONE SUMMARY: My first round of experiments taught me that there are a lot of insomnia experts, most of which probably don't have insomnia. Next, I was moving on to edible sleep aids.


Next: Bedtime Rituals!>>