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Week Three: Herbal Remedies
 I
went on a comprehensive three-week quest to treat my insomnia, testing
various expert "solutions." First, I tried changing my bedtime
behaviors, and then I tried edible remedies. So far, not much was working.
Late one night, frustrated and wide awake, I began sorting through some
of my favorite movies, trying to decide which one to watch in the wee
hours. While doing so, it dawned on me: I hadn't tried herbal
remedies, as endorsed by my favorite actor STEVEN SEAGAL!
Fact: I have a mild obsession with Steven Seagal.
Fact: Steven Seagal, in every movie, cures whatever
wound the bad guys lay on him with mysterious bowls of fancy Asian herbs.
Fact: Steven Seagal is the creator of Steven
Seagal's Lightning Bolt, an energy drink he himself concocted blending
"the finest all natural herbal ingredients from around the world."
Well, if he knows how to boost your energy with herbs, what about Steven
Seagal's ability to calm? I figured, if anyone can break insomnia's
neck, it's Steven Seagal. So, in my constant mindset of "WWSSD?",
I asked myself if I could find a way to fall asleep using Steven Seagal's
herbal remedies.
WEEK THREE: ANCIENT HERBS OF STEVEN SEAGAL
1) Valerian root. Result: Effective.
Valerian Root is a natural sedative, often sold in drops, easily found
in hippy stores. It is widely known for its soothing properties, and is
the age-old go-to for folks from The Old Country. Which country, you ask?
Well, several, to be exact; everyone from Eastern Europe to the Mediterranean
swears by its soothing powers. Taking Valerian Root isn't new-age; it's
old-school.
I took my Valerian root three ways:
- With sugar. Several drops of the concentrated solution, onto
a big spoon of sugar just for flavor.
Result: Definitely soothed me, but didn't alter my usual night's
sleep. But maybe you just have to take it so consistently that your
apartment smells like patchouli and your hair grows out.
- In tea. A large dose of several drops into regular Chamomile
tea (not Sleepytime, which is a blend). This is a perfect one-two punch
of herbal relaxation.
Result: Definitely definitely unleashed the nap-dragon.
But, I didn't stay asleep all night; had sudden urge at four AM to go
to New York and beat up some Italian badguys. Either way, Steven Seagal
would be proud.
- Straight up. Several drops, right on the tongue.
Result: Not as effective, but maybe because I didn't
take enough. The concentrated solution tastes pretty gross. Strong alcohol
content, too, which stings like a bee. Admittedly though, Seagal's energy
drinks taste WAY worse, and come in the flavors "Cherry Charge"
and "Asian Experience," which I'm gonna go ahead and say sounds
a little creepy.
2) Herbal-scented pillow-bag. Result: Effective.
This is the only other herbal remedy that's easy to find and easy to
do: making a little scented pouch to put under your pillow. The aroma
of certain herbs is said to have sedative-like effects, and commonly
believed to help you fall asleep if your bed and pillow reek of it.
A common sleepytime herbal concoction is lavender, mugwort,
and hops. I didn't have a chance to get the latter two; I wasn't
able to get to Salem to buy them, because my broom was in the shop.
That left us with lavender, which is often used by
itself for this very purpose.
I was surprised to find that it actually worked pretty well! From my
past experience, a lavender-scented candle didn't do a thing. But when
you put the actual herb to the test, it's different. The real
thing worked. I tell you, I just felt more rested.
It still took a while to fall asleep, and I didn't sleep significantly
longer, but drowsily lying there was just more pleasant and relaxing
with the scent of lavender. (Note: Under-the-pillow was not very useful;
the smell was no more penetrating than a punch from older, heavier Steven
Seagal. Keep your herbs above the pillow; and the fresher the
buds and stronger the scent, the better.)
WEEK THREE SUMMARY: Valerian root, the most common
herbal remedy for helping you fall asleep, is easy to find, easy to
use, and works pretty well. The most common side effect, unfortunately,
is becoming a hippy.
Next: Final
Rankings! >>
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