Part 3: The Exciting Climax

In my quest to set the world record for ejaculation distance, my assistant and I worked long and hard to develop a sophisticated and scientific way of measuring the results. What follows is a condensed version of my Nobel Prize acceptance speech.

The most important thing to do initially was to develop a scale of pleasure. Since pleasure is very subjective, research was necessary to find a way of ranking it that would make sense to everyone, whether they be male or female, asexual or Wilt Chamberlain. After months of research and clinical trials, we developed such a scale, which ranges from Rosie O'Donnell to Jessica Alba.

Using this scale, it's easy to see that my pleasure during sex before taking Ropex was equivalent to Estella Warren's lips, but my pleasure afterwards was closer to Halle Berry's navel.

This increase in pleasure was partly due to noticeably longer orgasms and partly due to the fact that I was able to wear a science-y lab coat in the bedroom while conducting research.

Since it's possible that some of you will doubt this increase, I asked my girlfriend to rate the results as well. As you can see, she noted a similar increase in sexual pleasure during intercourse with me.

Increased sexual pleasure during ejaculation is all fine and dandy, but the ultimate goal was to blast semen farther than 18 feet 9 inches, thereby ensuring my rightful place as one of the greatest athletes of all time. Alas, this was a complete failure. There was no noticeable difference in distance before and after. I'm not going to post the actual measurements, however, since the distance of my ejaculations is a private matter between me, my girlfriend, and the staff at the local Denny's (it's a long story).

On the other hand, the increase in volume was so significant that I must demonstrate visually. Don't worry, there's no semen in the following pictures. My assistant and I recreated this using Jergens hand cream, so feel free to show your young children.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

That might not be the literal volume of my load, but the proportion of increase is fairly accurate. Think about this the next time you're using hand cream. Or shaking my hand, for that matter.

Overall I was happy with the Ropex. The increase in volume nearly made up for the lack of increase in distance. I am still puzzled about what the "ropes" effect is exactly, though. Even after 15 days of taking Ropex there was very little twine in my man juice.

I still want to set the world record for male ejaculatory distance in the future, but for now I have more important things to do.