Stinky 7,952 12
02/22/2002 12:08 PM

"If you just read what I wrote, you wasted your time."

The Dirty Vicar 17,441 12
02/22/2002 12:09 PM

"If a neighbor woman throws a candle party, you can be fairly certain that she doesn't give blow jobs any more."

Reek Stankleberry 3,653 12
02/22/2002 12:10 PM

If you see a car driving at you, ask it to stop because it will make you die.

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
02/22/2002 12:10 PM

"If the band is named after a city, only guys with Peeing Calvin stickers on their trucks will like the music."

piglet 104 10
02/22/2002 12:11 PM

rule of thumb: one inch.

....entonces...Jinx! 5,835 12
02/22/2002 12:11 PM

"People who say, "Whoa, I'm not even going to touch that one!!" can't think of anything clever to say."

Heheheh! I'm not even going to touch THAT one!









If a video has a holographic/lenticular cover, it is going to be a very, very bad movie (and not in a good way.)

Ford Prefect 5,475 12
02/22/2002 12:11 PM

If you have a vagina, you are bad at math.

The Prime Minister of Spain, Motherfuckers 12,005 11
02/22/2002 12:12 PM

"If no one's ever heard of a band and the band plays dumb music and the band sucks then the that band is automatically good."

Stinky 7,952 12
02/22/2002 12:14 PM

"If you compete in the Special Olympics, you are probably handicapped."

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
02/22/2002 12:15 PM

"If you drink beer from a can, you probably drive a large American car."

Dangeo 2,691 12
02/22/2002 12:15 PM

Heh... my wife does them word search puzzles. I should buy more for her!

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
02/22/2002 12:17 PM

"If you are picky about the brand of bottled water you drink, you probably listen to Enya"

Ford Prefect 5,475 12
02/22/2002 12:17 PM

If anything you have to say can be summed up on a bumper sticker, chances are, you're a Frost-ing retard.

The Prime Minister of Spain, Motherfuckers 12,005 11
02/22/2002 12:17 PM

Dude, just use roofies; it's quicker.

The Dirty Vicar 17,441 12
02/22/2002 12:18 PM

A married couple that wears watching sweatsuits and rides matching bikes are Russian spies.

The Prime Minister of Spain, Motherfuckers 12,005 11
02/22/2002 12:18 PM

If you order a chicken baja chalupa then that will be $1.59, please pull up to the window."

Stinky 7,952 12
02/22/2002 12:18 PM

"If you drink TAB, then you also watch Fame."



"If you drink Moxie, you have no taste buds."



"If you drink semen, you are either a gay man or my best friend."

The Prime Minister of Spain, Motherfuckers 12,005 11
02/22/2002 12:19 PM

Oh yeah, from Never Say Never Again on TV last night:



If you want to kill someone, don't actually kill them. Wait until they're driving somewhere and then THROW A SNAKE INTO THEIR CAR.

Squeamish 38,986 13
02/22/2002 12:20 PM

If you're reading this, you're not black.

The Dirty Vicar 17,441 12
02/22/2002 12:22 PM

If you masturbate to porn, you are a sinner.

Squeamish 38,986 13
02/22/2002 12:23 PM

If your sister can run faster than you, you're probably a virgin.



Maybe that only applies in Louisiana.

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
02/22/2002 12:24 PM

If your kid's names sounds like characters on WB sitcoms, they have different fathers.

....entonces...Jinx! 5,835 12
02/22/2002 12:24 PM

Vicar, you seem to be in a UA mood today...perhaps you should log in to that account.

Squeamish 38,986 13
02/22/2002 12:24 PM

If you have to have an airplane and a Corvette to get chicks to sleep with you, God's trying to tell you something.

Ford Prefect 5,475 12
02/22/2002 12:24 PM

If you have anything to say that would fit on a bumper sticker, chances are you're not Ford Prefect.

Squeamish 38,986 13
02/22/2002 12:25 PM

If you've played Pictionary in the last 10 years, you've probably never had anal sex.

Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
02/22/2002 12:25 PM

If you wear overalls and have body odor, you watch your dog lick himself and think, "Man I wish I could do that!!"

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
02/22/2002 12:26 PM

That's pretty good, Squeamish.



*hides Pictionary box*

Squeamish 38,986 13
02/22/2002 12:28 PM

If you think Christian rock bands are "as good as other bands" then you're probably going to marry someone who makes their own clothes.

Scooter Brown 19,936 12
02/22/2002 12:28 PM

"If you are picky about the brand of bottled water you drink, you probably listen to Enya"



Evian. It's magic water, I swear.

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
02/22/2002 12:29 PM

"If you've ever bookmarked a scat porn site, you probably know a lot about shotguns"

Ford Prefect 5,475 12
02/22/2002 12:31 PM

If you believe in the "power of love," some day you will make or receive child support payments.

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
02/22/2002 12:31 PM

"If you've been married longer than one year, you probably cry yourself to sleep at night"

dr froglord 9,238 12
02/22/2002 12:31 PM

"If you drink beer from a can, you probably drive a large American car"



Bull. I drive an American pickup. Get it right Nutbutter.

dr froglord 9,238 12
02/22/2002 12:32 PM

If you've been married longer than 2 years, the only oral sex comes from the babysitter when you're taking her home.

Scooter Brown 19,936 12
02/22/2002 12:35 PM

All members of FTA have sweet asses.

Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
02/22/2002 12:36 PM

If you drink beer from the trash bin behind the bar, you need AA.

Ford Prefect 5,475 12
02/22/2002 12:38 PM

If you're gay, you're going to Hell.

Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
02/22/2002 12:39 PM

If you make it your life's mission to fart in confined spaces such as air planes and elevators, you are EVIL.

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
02/22/2002 12:42 PM

"If you ride your bike to work, you probably belive in gun control"

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
02/22/2002 12:43 PM

"If you are a chick and you listen to Bjork, you've probably named your car"

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
02/22/2002 12:47 PM

"If you drive a Ford LTD, you are either a cop or a child molestor"

Some Guy 19,242 12
02/22/2002 12:47 PM

If your girlfriend/wife has a winter coat identical to yours, you're a dumbass.

Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
02/22/2002 12:49 PM

If you drive any car with a hatchback, you are a college student or are still paying the student loans 10 years after graduation.

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
02/22/2002 12:49 PM

If you are a reporter for the Wall Street Journal and you get kidnapped in Pakistan, you're Frosted"

The Dirty Vicar 17,441 12
02/22/2002 12:52 PM

If your girlfriend stops shaving her legs, she is no longer your girlfriend.

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
02/22/2002 12:54 PM

The second you find yourself at a coffeehouse watching a guy play the dulcimer, you are offically old.

Some Guy 19,242 12
02/22/2002 12:54 PM

If your girlfriend buys lingerie she's Frost-ing someone else.

The Dirty Vicar 17,441 12
02/22/2002 12:54 PM

If you own your own bowling ball, your wife is fat and ugly.

Stinky 7,952 12
02/22/2002 12:57 PM

"If you wear a t-shirt w/ Che Guevera on it, you have no clue who he is."

Some Guy 19,242 12
02/22/2002 12:57 PM

If your coat is identical to your boyfriend's, you're a moron also.

The Dirty Vicar 17,441 12
02/22/2002 12:58 PM

On a date, if you see one of her breasts there's a very good chance you will see the other.

Some Guy 19,242 12
02/22/2002 12:59 PM

If your one night stand has a dildo with a pull-start, you're int for a long night.

Squeamish 38,986 13
02/22/2002 01:00 PM

If a girl has a tongue ring, she'll probably suck your dick.



If a guy has a tongue ring, he'll probably suck your dick.







If you're not funny, you'll probably steal material from Chris Rock.

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
02/22/2002 01:03 PM

If you routinely pay over $3.00 for non-alcoholc beverages you own The English Patient on DVD.

Squeamish 38,986 13
02/22/2002 01:25 PM

If your wife didn't change her last name when you got married, she's probably never had your penis in her mouth.

postbear 10,153 12
02/22/2002 01:36 PM

if you post on gab, you'll be unemployed within minutes.

The Lady (Voodo Mama) Trixxie 65,014 14
02/22/2002 01:49 PM

If you are a heterosexul male and your female blind date shows up as a) a white woman with black eyeshadow or b) a black women with white eyeshadow, say you just got a migraine and run like hell.

Gonzo. Loco hombre! 20,504 16
02/22/2002 01:51 PM

If it's the first time you're buying "Milwaukee's Best" or "Genesee" or "Pabst", you're probably 16 and sweating from nervousness.



If it's the second first time you're buying "Milwaukee's Best" or "Genesee" or "Pabst", you're probably 61 and sweating from the exertion of walking into the store.

The Lady (Voodo Mama) Trixxie 65,014 14
02/22/2002 01:52 PM

Hey, I drive a hatchback and I've never had a student loan.

Ford Prefect 5,475 12
02/22/2002 02:33 PM

If you've been dating a guy for three months and you haven't met his friends, you're probably not his girlfriend.

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
02/22/2002 02:36 PM

If you've been good friends with a chick for ten years or more and suddenly she wants to Frost, wear a condom.

Crickette 2,472 11
02/22/2002 02:38 PM

If you agree with the statistics, they must be 100% true.

Squeamish 38,986 13
02/22/2002 03:02 PM

Where's that from, Ford?

Ford Prefect 5,475 12
02/22/2002 03:03 PM

I would have credited it if I could remember.

Dirk Lately 14,001 12
02/22/2002 03:04 PM

If a woman smiles at you, it's okay to rape her.

Squeamish 38,986 13
06/14/2002 02:49 PM

If the defendant is named "Davarius" or "D'Swawn" he's guilty.

Declan McManus-(not gay, but his manfriend is) 130,657 34
06/14/2002 02:55 PM

Rule of thumb?



hire a professional to drive any nails.

Disabuser 3,439 11
06/14/2002 03:40 PM

If you've worked at a dot-com, you're probably unemployed... or will be soon.



*sigh*

Squeamish 38,986 13
09/16/2002 01:31 PM

Speaking of rules of thumb...

Trae - Vapor Lock Ass Kisser 156,771 17
09/16/2002 01:33 PM

Chinese Buffet + Squeamish = get there early.

Declan McManus 130,657 34
09/16/2002 01:36 PM

Big thumbs





equal









big hands!

Superbowl Shuffle 19,936 12
09/16/2002 01:38 PM

If she's fat, she has a bad personality.

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,396 14
09/16/2002 03:14 PM

If she's fat, and has a bad personality, you can blame Scooter, and we all know why.

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,396 14
09/16/2002 03:14 PM

People who want you to share your wealth with them, are very unlikely to share their abundant free time with you.

Chackens, Original Recipe 282,020 58
09/16/2002 03:20 PM

Always, no wait, never....

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,396 14
09/16/2002 04:38 PM

What, never?



Well, hardly ever!

Declan McManus 130,657 34
09/16/2002 04:39 PM

Feeble- that ain't necessarily so!

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,396 14
09/16/2002 04:42 PM

Gilbert, Sullivan, and Gershwin - sounds like a New York law firm.

Dead Robot 67,626 15
09/16/2002 04:42 PM

-If the video box shows a beautiful woman pointing a gun, the movie is Shakespeare.



Ahem. Aliens?



I stopped reading after that.

Declan McManus 130,657 34
09/16/2002 04:43 PM

Feeble- yeah, and they practise in the Brill Building!

Bonky 75,728 14
09/16/2002 04:47 PM

If you check out your friends shoes when they're not looking, they're not really your friends and they talk about you and you drinking problem behind your back.

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,396 14
09/16/2002 08:10 PM

Your friends keep their shoes in the library?

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,396 14
09/16/2002 08:19 PM

DR, I meant the obligatory sketch of a bikini-clab bimbo, not a woman in combat gear. Sorry about the misunderstanding.



Oh, and BTW, Sigorney says "Hi".

Manhattan Fever, Child Genius 11,939 12
09/16/2002 08:21 PM

If you're an Emerson you can nab any woman in bed.

Manhattan Fever, Child Genius 11,939 12
09/16/2002 08:25 PM

If you're a female under the age of 30 your thought process is similar to that of a hummingbird's.

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,396 14
09/16/2002 08:25 PM

But some of them scream when they wake up.

Manhattan Fever, Child Genius 11,939 12
09/16/2002 08:34 PM

Every album done by The Stones after 'Exxile on Main Street' sucks

SalsaShark, Grandmaster Flashbulb 6,518 11
09/20/2002 12:28 PM

If they come into my store asking for textbooks without once ever conjugating the verb "to be," they're not even going to know what books they need to get.



Furthermore, they're going to get mad at me for being unable to tell them what books they need to get.

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,396 14
09/20/2002 01:32 PM

I be in math. What book mine? Where da math book?

SalsaShark, Grandmaster Flashbulb 6,518 11
09/20/2002 02:19 PM

"Where my book at?"

"I don't know, what class are you in?"

"Sheeeeeeeee-it, I'unno. Math."

"Okay, there are about half a dozen math classes this semester. What's the course number?"

"It got a bridge on it!"

"Ummmm...huh?"

"The book, it got a bridge on it."

"Ah. 'Beginning Algebra.' That'll be 86 dollars. Enjoy."

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
09/20/2002 02:24 PM

You work at the MBCC bookstore, Salsa?

SalsaShark, Grandmaster Flashbulb 6,518 11
09/20/2002 02:26 PM

i might as well, most days. my employers are not what you would call "selective" in their admissions policies.

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,396 14
09/20/2002 02:51 PM

MBCC = Monkey Basics Community College?

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
09/20/2002 02:59 PM

Mass Bay



same difference

Suicide Ranger? Yes please 27,849 12
09/15/2005 06:40 PM

If you read or stare at the yellow background text box long enough, when you read this thread it will be slightly purple.