Stinky 7,952 10
02/22/2002 10:08 PM

"If you just read what I wrote, you wasted your time."

The Dirty Vicar 17,410 11
02/22/2002 10:09 PM

"If a neighbor woman throws a candle party, you can be fairly certain that she doesn't give blow jobs any more."

Reek Stankleberry 3,642 9
02/22/2002 10:10 PM

If you see a car driving at you, ask it to stop because it will make you die.

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
02/22/2002 10:10 PM

"If the band is named after a city, only guys with Peeing Calvin stickers on their trucks will like the music."

piglet 104 9
02/22/2002 10:11 PM

rule of thumb: one inch.

....entonces...Jinx! 5,825 11
02/22/2002 10:11 PM

"People who say, "Whoa, I'm not even going to touch that one!!" can't think of anything clever to say."

Heheheh! I'm not even going to touch THAT one!









If a video has a holographic/lenticular cover, it is going to be a very, very bad movie (and not in a good way.)

Ford Prefect 5,461 11
02/22/2002 10:11 PM

If you have a vagina, you are bad at math.

The Prime Minister of Spain, Motherfuckers 12,005 9
02/22/2002 10:12 PM

"If no one's ever heard of a band and the band plays dumb music and the band sucks then the that band is automatically good."

Stinky 7,952 10
02/22/2002 10:14 PM

"If you compete in the Special Olympics, you are probably handicapped."

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
02/22/2002 10:15 PM

"If you drink beer from a can, you probably drive a large American car."

Dangeo 2,691 11
02/22/2002 10:15 PM

Heh... my wife does them word search puzzles. I should buy more for her!

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
02/22/2002 10:17 PM

"If you are picky about the brand of bottled water you drink, you probably listen to Enya"

Ford Prefect 5,461 11
02/22/2002 10:17 PM

If anything you have to say can be summed up on a bumper sticker, chances are, you're a Frost-ing retard.

The Prime Minister of Spain, Motherfuckers 12,005 9
02/22/2002 10:17 PM

Dude, just use roofies; it's quicker.

The Dirty Vicar 17,410 11
02/22/2002 10:18 PM

A married couple that wears watching sweatsuits and rides matching bikes are Russian spies.

The Prime Minister of Spain, Motherfuckers 12,005 9
02/22/2002 10:18 PM

If you order a chicken baja chalupa then that will be $1.59, please pull up to the window."

Stinky 7,952 10
02/22/2002 10:18 PM

"If you drink TAB, then you also watch Fame."



"If you drink Moxie, you have no taste buds."



"If you drink semen, you are either a gay man or my best friend."

The Prime Minister of Spain, Motherfuckers 12,005 9
02/22/2002 10:19 PM

Oh yeah, from Never Say Never Again on TV last night:



If you want to kill someone, don't actually kill them. Wait until they're driving somewhere and then THROW A SNAKE INTO THEIR CAR.

Squeamish 38,184 11
02/22/2002 10:20 PM

If you're reading this, you're not black.

The Dirty Vicar 17,410 11
02/22/2002 10:22 PM

If you masturbate to porn, you are a sinner.

Squeamish 38,184 11
02/22/2002 10:23 PM

If your sister can run faster than you, you're probably a virgin.



Maybe that only applies in Louisiana.

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
02/22/2002 10:24 PM

If your kid's names sounds like characters on WB sitcoms, they have different fathers.

....entonces...Jinx! 5,825 11
02/22/2002 10:24 PM

Vicar, you seem to be in a UA mood today...perhaps you should log in to that account.

Squeamish 38,184 11
02/22/2002 10:24 PM

If you have to have an airplane and a Corvette to get chicks to sleep with you, God's trying to tell you something.

Ford Prefect 5,461 11
02/22/2002 10:24 PM

If you have anything to say that would fit on a bumper sticker, chances are you're not Ford Prefect.

Squeamish 38,184 11
02/22/2002 10:25 PM

If you've played Pictionary in the last 10 years, you've probably never had anal sex.

Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,287 10
02/22/2002 10:25 PM

If you wear overalls and have body odor, you watch your dog lick himself and think, "Man I wish I could do that!!"

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
02/22/2002 10:26 PM

That's pretty good, Squeamish.



*hides Pictionary box*

Squeamish 38,184 11
02/22/2002 10:28 PM

If you think Christian rock bands are "as good as other bands" then you're probably going to marry someone who makes their own clothes.

Scooter Brown 19,921 10
02/22/2002 10:28 PM

"If you are picky about the brand of bottled water you drink, you probably listen to Enya"



Evian. It's magic water, I swear.

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
02/22/2002 10:29 PM

"If you've ever bookmarked a scat porn site, you probably know a lot about shotguns"

Ford Prefect 5,461 11
02/22/2002 10:31 PM

If you believe in the "power of love," some day you will make or receive child support payments.

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
02/22/2002 10:31 PM

"If you've been married longer than one year, you probably cry yourself to sleep at night"

dr froglord 9,183 10
02/22/2002 10:31 PM

"If you drink beer from a can, you probably drive a large American car"



Bull. I drive an American pickup. Get it right Nutbutter.

dr froglord 9,183 10
02/22/2002 10:32 PM

If you've been married longer than 2 years, the only oral sex comes from the babysitter when you're taking her home.

Scooter Brown 19,921 10
02/22/2002 10:35 PM

All members of FTA have sweet asses.

Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,287 10
02/22/2002 10:36 PM

If you drink beer from the trash bin behind the bar, you need AA.

Ford Prefect 5,461 11
02/22/2002 10:38 PM

If you're gay, you're going to Hell.

Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,287 10
02/22/2002 10:39 PM

If you make it your life's mission to fart in confined spaces such as air planes and elevators, you are EVIL.

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
02/22/2002 10:42 PM

"If you ride your bike to work, you probably belive in gun control"

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
02/22/2002 10:43 PM

"If you are a chick and you listen to Bjork, you've probably named your car"

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
02/22/2002 10:47 PM

"If you drive a Ford LTD, you are either a cop or a child molestor"

Some Guy 19,207 10
02/22/2002 10:47 PM

If your girlfriend/wife has a winter coat identical to yours, you're a dumbass.

Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,287 10
02/22/2002 10:49 PM

If you drive any car with a hatchback, you are a college student or are still paying the student loans 10 years after graduation.

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
02/22/2002 10:49 PM

If you are a reporter for the Wall Street Journal and you get kidnapped in Pakistan, you're Frosted"

The Dirty Vicar 17,410 11
02/22/2002 10:52 PM

If your girlfriend stops shaving her legs, she is no longer your girlfriend.

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
02/22/2002 10:54 PM

The second you find yourself at a coffeehouse watching a guy play the dulcimer, you are offically old.

Some Guy 19,207 10
02/22/2002 10:54 PM

If your girlfriend buys lingerie she's Frost-ing someone else.

The Dirty Vicar 17,410 11
02/22/2002 10:54 PM

If you own your own bowling ball, your wife is fat and ugly.

Stinky 7,952 10
02/22/2002 10:57 PM

"If you wear a t-shirt w/ Che Guevera on it, you have no clue who he is."

Some Guy 19,207 10
02/22/2002 10:57 PM

If your coat is identical to your boyfriend's, you're a moron also.

The Dirty Vicar 17,410 11
02/22/2002 10:58 PM

On a date, if you see one of her breasts there's a very good chance you will see the other.

Some Guy 19,207 10
02/22/2002 10:59 PM

If your one night stand has a dildo with a pull-start, you're int for a long night.

Squeamish 38,184 11
02/22/2002 11:00 PM

If a girl has a tongue ring, she'll probably suck your dick.



If a guy has a tongue ring, he'll probably suck your dick.







If you're not funny, you'll probably steal material from Chris Rock.

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
02/22/2002 11:03 PM

If you routinely pay over $3.00 for non-alcoholc beverages you own The English Patient on DVD.

Squeamish 38,184 11
02/22/2002 11:25 PM

If your wife didn't change her last name when you got married, she's probably never had your penis in her mouth.

postbear 10,117 11
02/22/2002 11:36 PM

if you post on gab, you'll be unemployed within minutes.

The Lady (Voodo Mama) Trixxie 64,479 13
02/22/2002 11:49 PM

If you are a heterosexul male and your female blind date shows up as a) a white woman with black eyeshadow or b) a black women with white eyeshadow, say you just got a migraine and run like hell.

Gonzo. Loco hombre! 17,604 12
02/22/2002 11:51 PM

If it's the first time you're buying "Milwaukee's Best" or "Genesee" or "Pabst", you're probably 16 and sweating from nervousness.



If it's the second first time you're buying "Milwaukee's Best" or "Genesee" or "Pabst", you're probably 61 and sweating from the exertion of walking into the store.

The Lady (Voodo Mama) Trixxie 64,479 13
02/22/2002 11:52 PM

Hey, I drive a hatchback and I've never had a student loan.

Ford Prefect 5,461 11
02/23/2002 12:33 AM

If you've been dating a guy for three months and you haven't met his friends, you're probably not his girlfriend.

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
02/23/2002 12:36 AM

If you've been good friends with a chick for ten years or more and suddenly she wants to Frost, wear a condom.

Crickette 2,472 10
02/23/2002 12:38 AM

If you agree with the statistics, they must be 100% true.

Squeamish 38,184 11
02/23/2002 01:02 AM

Where's that from, Ford?

Ford Prefect 5,461 11
02/23/2002 01:03 AM

I would have credited it if I could remember.

Dirk Lately 13,998 11
02/23/2002 01:04 AM

If a woman smiles at you, it's okay to rape her.

Squeamish 38,184 11
06/14/2002 11:49 PM

If the defendant is named "Davarius" or "D'Swawn" he's guilty.

Declan McManus-(not gay, but his manfriend is) 115,733 11
06/14/2002 11:55 PM

Rule of thumb?



hire a professional to drive any nails.

Disabuser 3,436 9
06/15/2002 12:40 AM

If you've worked at a dot-com, you're probably unemployed... or will be soon.



*sigh*

Squeamish 38,184 11
09/16/2002 10:31 PM

Speaking of rules of thumb...

Trae - Vapor Lock Ass Kisser 156,239 10
09/16/2002 10:33 PM

Chinese Buffet + Squeamish = get there early.

Declan McManus 115,733 11
09/16/2002 10:36 PM

Big thumbs





equal









big hands!

Superbowl Shuffle 19,921 10
09/16/2002 10:38 PM

If she's fat, she has a bad personality.

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,188 10
09/17/2002 12:14 AM

If she's fat, and has a bad personality, you can blame Scooter, and we all know why.

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,188 10
09/17/2002 12:14 AM

People who want you to share your wealth with them, are very unlikely to share their abundant free time with you.

Chackens, Original Recipe 238,139 14
09/17/2002 12:20 AM

Always, no wait, never....

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,188 10
09/17/2002 01:38 AM

What, never?



Well, hardly ever!

Declan McManus 115,733 11
09/17/2002 01:39 AM

Feeble- that ain't necessarily so!

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,188 10
09/17/2002 01:42 AM

Gilbert, Sullivan, and Gershwin - sounds like a New York law firm.

Dead Robot 67,245 11
09/17/2002 01:42 AM

-If the video box shows a beautiful woman pointing a gun, the movie is Shakespeare.



Ahem. Aliens?



I stopped reading after that.

Declan McManus 115,733 11
09/17/2002 01:43 AM

Feeble- yeah, and they practise in the Brill Building!

Bonky 75,356 13
09/17/2002 01:47 AM

If you check out your friends shoes when they're not looking, they're not really your friends and they talk about you and you drinking problem behind your back.

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,188 10
09/17/2002 05:10 AM

Your friends keep their shoes in the library?

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,188 10
09/17/2002 05:19 AM

DR, I meant the obligatory sketch of a bikini-clab bimbo, not a woman in combat gear. Sorry about the misunderstanding.



Oh, and BTW, Sigorney says "Hi".

Manhattan Fever, Child Genius 11,934 11
09/17/2002 05:21 AM

If you're an Emerson you can nab any woman in bed.

Manhattan Fever, Child Genius 11,934 11
09/17/2002 05:25 AM

If you're a female under the age of 30 your thought process is similar to that of a hummingbird's.

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,188 10
09/17/2002 05:25 AM

But some of them scream when they wake up.

Manhattan Fever, Child Genius 11,934 11
09/17/2002 05:34 AM

Every album done by The Stones after 'Exxile on Main Street' sucks

SalsaShark, Grandmaster Flashbulb 6,518 9
09/20/2002 09:28 PM

If they come into my store asking for textbooks without once ever conjugating the verb "to be," they're not even going to know what books they need to get.



Furthermore, they're going to get mad at me for being unable to tell them what books they need to get.

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,188 10
09/20/2002 10:32 PM

I be in math. What book mine? Where da math book?

SalsaShark, Grandmaster Flashbulb 6,518 9
09/20/2002 11:19 PM

"Where my book at?"

"I don't know, what class are you in?"

"Sheeeeeeeee-it, I'unno. Math."

"Okay, there are about half a dozen math classes this semester. What's the course number?"

"It got a bridge on it!"

"Ummmm...huh?"

"The book, it got a bridge on it."

"Ah. 'Beginning Algebra.' That'll be 86 dollars. Enjoy."

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
09/20/2002 11:24 PM

You work at the MBCC bookstore, Salsa?

SalsaShark, Grandmaster Flashbulb 6,518 9
09/20/2002 11:26 PM

i might as well, most days. my employers are not what you would call "selective" in their admissions policies.

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,188 10
09/20/2002 11:51 PM

MBCC = Monkey Basics Community College?

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
09/20/2002 11:59 PM

Mass Bay



same difference

Suicide Ranger? Yes please 27,449 10
09/16/2005 03:40 AM

If you read or stare at the yellow background text box long enough, when you read this thread it will be slightly purple.