So, this isn't ground-breakingly funny, or pee-in-your-pants-a-little funny. It's not even really "Hahahahahaha!" funny. But it was a prank I pulled, so it fits the freakin criteria for the contest. Feh on you. It will at least win for most-drawn-out prank.
So, the prank I pulled was in fact a retaliatory strike against a prank pulled on me by my roommate my freshman year. The Sesame Street condesnsed version of Jen's prank on me consisted of her (1) nabbing my keys whilst I was unawares down the hall, killing my lungs with nicotene and other bad things; (2) hiding aforementioned keys; (3) locking the door to room; (4) Leaving for Cambridge; (5) Not returning. A cryptic note left on the locked door, covered in her mangled, evil, scrawl read:
Come find us in the pee room!
Signed,
Your Keys.
It was 2 a.m. I was tired. My friend was visiting from D.C., and after partying with her, I just wanted to sleep. After two hours of searching each of the SIX bathrooms in Domitilla Hall, we eventually found them in one "pee room" hidden behind a pipe up near the ceiling. But I was pissed. Seeing red. Really tired = bitchy evil cranky bitch. Yep. Two bitches is me when I'm that tired. As I unlocked the door and fell into bed that night, I knew I had to get her back. As I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, the last thing my eyes saw was the collection of Pez dispensers lined up on a shelf. Jen's collection of Pez dispensers. Jen's beloved collection of Pez dispensers, that she neurotically wouldn't even let me touch most of the time. The seed of an evil scheme was aplant in my brain as I slowly fell to Morpheus...
And by the time I woke, it had grown into fookin Audrey 3. I got out of bed, knowing what I must do. I grabbed all 23 Pez dispensers from the shelf. I found masking tape and painstakingly laid out little outlines of each dispenser, akin to chalk outlines around a dead body. I laid a piece of tape at the bottom of each and wrote little epitaphs, like "R.I.P. Santa Claus Pez" or "Panda Pez used to lie here." Then, a note:
Come find us in the pee room! Signed,
Your Pez
In the pee room, where Jen had hidden my keys, I left another note, cryptic as Frost, which after deciphering, led her to the laundry room. In the laundry room, a similar one to another part of the dorm, and so on. I led her on a wild goose-chase through any and every part of the dorm until I led her to a different bathroom, site of the prank I mentioned here. Just as in that prank, I laid one of the Pez dispensers on top of the showers, with the last note:
Ha! Ha! Ha! Old habits die hard. [a reference to the bed prank] Well, you'll get one of us, for all of your hard work. But You'll have to be on your best behavior in order to get us all back.
Signed,
Your Pez.
The trap was set. I gave the remaining dispensers to a trusted friend for safekeeping. I locked my closet door (which I never did, since we were cool like that as roomies) just to freak her out and get her suspicions up, and basically ensure that she didn't go looking for them with the person who actually did have them.
Then I waited...
When Jen came through the door, it was the first thing she noticed. She flipped. You have to understand, she loved those dispensers. I believe she secretly talked to them when I wasn't in the room. Or maybe each one was an embodiement of a new personality in her head, like a celebratory memento. Whatever. I loved her dearly, but she was way too preoccupied with those damn things. And she flipped. And searched. I thought at times she might cry, but my roommate never did such things. She finally made it to the one in the bathroom. She returned, her triumph bittersweet. She pleaded with me to return the others. I remained solid. She bolted for the closet, found it locked, and begged me to release them from the cold, dark recesses therein. "They're afraid right now. Cold. Alone. They NEED me!!!" she screamed. I budged not. She sulked for the rest of the day, gave me the cold shoulder for another two, then decided she should heed the advice of the last note and started being nice to me. She even apologized for her prank. That night I laid one on her pillow while she brushed her teeth. As the weeks after wore on, I would slip them to her here and there: one in the dressing cubicle between the shower and rest of the bathroom; one on the table in the dining hall when she went to refill her drink; I even got one of her professors to give her one while handing back papers. It wasn't until the last day of school that I finally returned the last one. And she never pranked me again after that. Then again, we don't talk all that much anymore. Maybe she is still bitter. She is a Scorpio, after all...
The End.
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