Japan
A comedy article
by Cap'n Stuby  17,826  13
07/31/2002 10:56 AM 247 views
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Japan...ah, where do I begin? Let me begin at the beginning, since beginning at the end would make this a science fiction novel with dragons and psychic aliens.
I am living alone in Yashiro, an insignificant town in the middle of Hyogo Prefecture. For thos of you who have yet to take MultiEthnic FlimFlammery 401 for your graduate credit, this is like living in East Bumblefvck, ND. In fact, it's SO close to living in the middle of nowhere, the closest REAL city here (Nishiwaki)has the nickname "Nippon no heso," which translates into "The bellybutton of Japan." This means that my town is either lint or the smegma stain below the bellybutton. The smell is the same with either choice. There are lots of rice fields, lots of filthy old houses and LOTS of garbage strewn about. There are lots of high school kids, lots of young, married couples and lots of screaming Frost-ing kids. THERE ARE NO shopping centers, decent video stores, good restaurants, stores, malls or any other mark of a town dusted with civilization.
I am the OTHER white guy in this town. This means that I have the unique opportunity to receive an endless amount of stares and drooling from wide-eyed adults and kids who are wondering if my American penis is REALLY made of solid steel with chrome trim on the exhaust like they hear about in school...I leave them wondering, of course. I pretend NOT to speak any Japanese so when they start talking, I can listen in.
Jap1: "His penis not big, it like small pickle"
Jap2: "That a pickle..not a penis. White man is trying to kill himself by drowning in pickle barrel. He hate this town."
Me (thinking): Haha hah hah, I UNDERSTAND THEM! NOTHING THEY SAY GETS PAS*gurgle gurk glub*
Sometimes, I take the bus into the BIG city (Kobe or Osaka) and dream of life there...my, how I enjoy things like restaurants and efficient public transportation!
How is the weather, you ask? Well, as much as I'd like to send you a jar of it to put on your mantelpiece, it's MUCH easier to simulate Japanese weather in your home. First, sit under a 500W Halogen lamp for 10 hours. Then, run your shower on hot for 3 hours with the door closed. After the room steams up, sit in the room with the lights off. This simulates night and day. If you add banana trees and some goddamned VC's, then you're in Vietnam and that's not part of this simulation. In any case, the resulting humidity is enough to make even MY chrome-plated manhood spot rust...
Japanese people like two things: Tentacle rape and the sound of their own voices. When young girls aren't being tentacle raped, they're squeaking ceaselessly about their fave boy band, hairstyle or tentacle. THe boys, when not giving cheap liquor and bad encouragement to wayward tentacles are babbling about hair and athletic shoes. The TV is filled with nothing but people who talk too much and repeat themselves over and over. On the radio, the songs are played back to back and halfway through the first song, the DJ begins talking ("WELCOME TO KISS FM 89.9 KOBE, THIS IS DJ AIKO AND I ONLY PLAY THE BEST HITS AND I AM SO DEVOTED TO MUSIC BLAH BLAH BLAH") and when she's finished, she begins to read advertisements. After she is finished, the songs have been over for 2 minutes. I don't listen to the radio anymore. I WOULD like it if a chimpanzee cracked the DJ's skull open with a tackhammer, though. ("WELCOME TO *eeeee eeeee eeeeeee* AAAAAAAHHH!! NO! DJ AIKO LOVES MUSIC, NOT TACKHAMMERS! OH FIUSDIHNGudsiuduhnduhg....")
I teach about 70-75 people a week, ranging from 3-year-old kids to company employees. The job isn't hard, but it IS a bit tedious. I don't get paid very much, considering the cost of living...maybe I DO need to get that job as a porn actor. I could wear a monkey mask and get paid $900 a day to make movies for the lonely housewives who have so much disposable income and so little to vent it on. I'd do things like clean the house, lift the toilet seat, cook dinner and not visit whorehouses all night. I'd basically do all the things that Japanese men don't do;it'll drive them wild with desire.
What are the things I miss most about America? Here they are:
1. Eating until I'm satisfied, instead of eating 8 servings and still hungering for more.
2. CENTRAL AIR CONDITIONING
3. Porn with no damned blurry Shakespeare in it. I can barely see the hooker's pus-encrusted genital region with that blurry Shakespeare on there.
4. My sanity.
Good day and I'll try to write more about Japan when I can take a break from running around naked with a hard-on screaming "I AM THE SALAMI SHOGUN!"
--Stoob
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
34 votes
5.0
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0 votes
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Dead Robot 67,630  16
08/02/2002 04:58 AM
You need to read this book, Stub.
And I am jealous of you.
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0 votes
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CaesarJewels 53 11
08/02/2002 09:37 AM
Funny, I just got back from Japan. I was wondering why the have such elaborate toilets, or even toilets at all, what with all the rice they eat.
I miss Japan's time zogdfshjhDHJnjs
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0 votes
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General Leppy the Leprechaun 12,056 12
08/02/2002 11:32 AM
That was the hardest I've ever laughed at anything on Gab. Period.
Frost John's journal, you need one, Stub.
I miss you in a hetero way.
I am the Salami Shogun!
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0 votes
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Dirk Lately 14,001 13
08/02/2002 02:17 PM
*wipes tear
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0 votes
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Scooter '?' Brown 19,936 13
08/02/2002 02:18 PM
I'm so jealous of you I'm posting in an article to tell you so.
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Scooter '?' Brown 19,936 13
08/02/2002 02:19 PM
How did you get there anyway? Did you already have a job there before going or did you just take off?
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0 votes
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Fearsome Orange 262 13
08/06/2002 06:37 AM
Man, and I thought it was just me. I'm over here in Taiwan but experiencing much the same as you, Cap'n. 'Cept I don't speak half as much Chinese as you seem to speak Japanese.
I keep thinking of that scene in 'Good Morning Vietnam' where Robin Williams is riffing on how hot it is: "it's DAMN' hot! It's so hot I saw a little guy in an orange robe BURST INTO FLAMES!"
It has been raining here for the past four days though. Raining so hard that I cannot see the other side of the street. Think I'm exaggerating? I'll send you a pic if you want. It is insane.
You should consider Taiwan, though, Cap'n. It's cheaper, waaaay cheaper to live and the pay is very good.
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0 votes
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Reek Stankleberry 3,653 12
08/06/2002 08:59 AM
Taiwan will also be nice when Chinese missiles rain down upon it.
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Cap'n Stuby 17,826 13
08/06/2002 11:33 AM
THe Daiei is going under and Nishiwaki smells like burning plastic.
Scooter, send some of your negative karma over here so this place can shake to the ground...
(Cyberwave, I live in Yashiro...about 10 min away on Route 175)
I'll try to visit taiwan to get a few cheap 18 year old hookers and some opium. Plus shopping.
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goatwarrior 56 11
08/09/2002 08:01 PM
Good story, but I liked the Tom Green special better.
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0 votes
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John Hargrave 128,742 73
08/11/2002 02:28 PM
That was very amusing. I hope you continue to post updates, Cap'n Stubing.
I am also jealous of you.
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0 votes
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Feeble and his Conqueror Worm 32,400 15
08/31/2002 12:14 PM
Chinese missile will not rain down up Taiwan for at least 3-5 years. By then, we will hopefully have installed some anti-missile stuff and we'll just MOCK them by shooting their missiles down.
Then, we'll point and laugh. The Chinese will realize how silly they look, we'll all share a good guffaw, and peace will come to the far east.
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