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Lum Hi, I'm Lum Harper ...
Clem and I'm Clem Atlee.
Lum We're here today at the Dale Earnhardt Memorial Coliseum in Atlanta, Georgia for the Gab Deathmatch between Bonky and Chickens!
Clem It seems that Chickens insulted the singing of Ed during the Gablanta festivities, Bonky slapped Chickens, and Chickens challenged Bonky to a duel!
Lum In Chickens' corner we have Trixxie - fetchingly attired in a fawn dress, scarlet robe, and silver belt with matching tiara - and Squeamish, wearing bib overalls.
Clem I think it's more appropriate to say that Squeamish is AROUND Chickens' corner, not in it.
Clem & Lum, together Har de har de har!
Lum In Bonky's corner, we have Trae, wearing Daisy Dukes and a "Will Suck Dicks for Food" t-shirt, and Vertical Bob, who frankly looks as much out of place as Barbara Bush at the famed Black Eagle Tavern in Toronto. Not that I've ever been there ...
Clem Not that there'd be anything wrong if you had, Lum!
Lum Clem, why are no other Gabbers here?
Clem Lum, the Dale Earnhardt Memorial Coliseum normally hosts tractor pulls and 2nd tier professional wrestling matches.
Lum So, they have a reputation to uphold?
Clem That's correct.
Lum Bonky and Chickens are taking their places in the ring.
Clem Chickens is wearing a kilt and a dress shirt, and carrying a two handed Claymore!
Lum While Bonky is wearing blue jeans, an "I'm with Yoda" t-shirt, and carrying what looks to be a paddle from a canoe!
Clem In Chickens corner, Squeamish has hailed the nearest food vendor. He's talking to him ... and now the vendor is on his cell phone ... and now, every vendor in the building is heading down onto the Coliseum floor!
Lum Bonky has taken advantage of the momentary distraction to take a mighty swing at Chickens!
Clem Too bad for her - she missed! Now, Chickens is advancing confidently, waving his claymore.
Lum Bonky is talking to him ...
Clem Chickens is slowing ...
Lum Bonky is still talking ...
Clem Chickens stops with a puzzled look on his face ...
Lum Chickens is scratching his forehead ...
Clem and he forgot he was holding the claymore! He's cut his own ear off!
Clem & Lum, together THAT'S GOTTA HURT!
Lum Now Chickens is down on the floor, searching for his ear ...
Clem Bonky is not taking advantage of the opportunity! She's returned to her corner - Vertical Bob is handing her something
Lum It looks like she's dancing! What could she be doing?
Clem Chickens has put his ear back on, but it's upside down - he'll need to fix that later ...
Lum Bonky is still dancing ...
Clem Chickens is obviously angry, and he's charging straight at Bonky ...
Lum who seems not to care! What could she be thinking!
Clem Chickens raises the claymore ...
Lum and he slips! He slipped on something on the floor!
Clem Our spotter tells me it appears that Bonky has sprinkled the ring with orange tic-tacs!
Lum Chickens' claymore is impaled right through the floor of the ring! He's trying to pull it free ...
Clem While Bonky has circled behind him! She's winding up with the paddle ...
Clem & Lum, together THAT'S GOTTA HURT!
Lum Bonky just spanked Chickens a good one!
Clem Chickens is returning to his own corner, leaving the claymore imbedded in the ring>
Lum Trixxie is pointing at something off in the corner of the Coliseum. What is it?
Clem It's a tractor, Lum, and Chickens has run from the ring to claim it!
Lum He's driving it back through the crowd, up the ramp, and jumping the ropes!
Clem Bonky is obviously taken aback - she's trying to run ...
Lum But Chickens is chasing her with the tractor!
Clem BONKY SLIPS! SHE SLIPPED!
Lum And Chickens has his opportunity! He's trying to drive over the top of her ...
Clem Bonky's trying to roll out of the way!
Lum It appears Chickens missed! He crashed the tractor!
Clem No, wait! Our spotter tells me that he scored a minor hit with the plow onto Bonky's forehead!
Lum This means - her brow is permanently furrowed!
Clem What a harrowing experience!
Lum Chickens has reentered the ring and is trying once again to free his claymore ...
Clem Bonky is advancing with her paddle ...
Lum Chickens has abandoned the claymore and returned to his corner, where Squeamish has a line of 250 vendors feeding him.
Clem Trixxie hands Chickens something ...
Lum He puts it onto his face ...
Clem It's a mask!
Lum A mask of Ed!
Clem Bonky has stopped advancing - she's lowered the paddle ...
Lum Chickens punches her in the nose!
Clem Bonky is making no move to defend herself! She thinks it's Ed!
Lum Chickens is really whaling on Bonky now!
Clem Trae and Vertical Bob are going crazy in Bonky's corner!
Lum Chickens has driven Bonky clear back into her corner! This looks bad for Bonky!
Clem Trae has ripped off her t-shirt! She's showing Chickens her boobies!
Lum Chickens has stopped attacking Bonky ...
Clem He's looking at Trae ...
Lum In the meantime, Trixxie is moving to a neutral corner! What's (s)he doing?
Clem Our spotter says that the corner posts are topped with something that looks like a doorknob ...
Lum Oh, that's sick!
Clem Who was that that just got splattered?
Audience memberThe splugification of my hirsuitanoidization by this homosexualizing persona is unwelcome!
Lum Guess you have to count on Don King showing up in the first row at every big fight.
Clem He's sending a couple of goons...
Lum The politically correct word, Clem, is "members of his entourage".
Clem Pardon me, he's sending two members of his entourage over to pull Trixxie off the corner post.
Lum They aren't having much luck ...
Clem In the meantime, Chickens has removed his Ed mask to get a better look at Trae!
Lum Bonky realizes that he's not Ed!
Clem She's getting ready to attack ...
Lum That's unbelievable!
Clem It looks like a Bruce Lee film on fast forward!
Lum Chickens is really taking all the hits he put on Bonky, and then some!
Clem I guess it's true what they say about Hell having no fury like a woman deceived ...
Lum Let's go to our correspondent in Hell and check that!
Richard SimmonsI'm here in Hell, talking to Satan himself! Satan, is it true that you have no furies down here as bad as what Bonky is doing to Chickens right now?
Satan In tones of deepest boredom Oh, no, of course not. My, you're a tasty looking morsel. Mind if I suck your viscera out through this pipe?
Richard Simmons Of course I mind - put me down, you big - AHHHHHHHHH!
Clem We lose more announcers that way ...
Lum Except for Scooter Brown - he's done it 3 or 4 times, hasn't been killed yet.
Clem That's because Scooter looks like a televangelist, Lum.
Lum And God protects televangelists?
Clem No, Satan just extends them the same courtesies as lawyers and Arthur Anderson accountants.
Lum Don King has 8 goo... er, entourages pulling at Trixxie now.
Clem They aren't having much luck!
Lum It's like trying to remove a 140 pound barnacle from a ship!
Clem Bonky hasn't slowed down on Chickens yet ...
Lum Squeamish just threw a chicken bone at Bonky!
Clem That's quite a sacrifice by the big guy - he's been eating the bones up until now.
Lum With his moment's respite, Chickens has climbed out of the ring ...
Clem What's he getting?
Lum It's a motorcycle! He's trying to ride Bonky down!
Clem She sidesteps ...
Lum Chickens does a nifty sliding stop and accelerates towards Bonky!
Clem Bonky crouches ...
Lum Chickens pops a wheelie ...
Clem And Bonky has judo-flipped Chickens AND his motorcycle! It's unbelievable!
Lum Chickens is buried head first through the floor of the ring ...
Clem and we can see what a Scotsman wears under his skirt!
Lum Say, Clem, isn't that your wife's lipstick?
Clem Huh? Uh ... I ... er ...
Lum Anyway, Bonky has picked up her paddle. She is advancing with a measured pace towards the helpless Chickens. Trixxie is still being pulled on by the entourage, but Squeamish has stopped eating - he has to help Chickens!
Clem Lum, he's pulled out his laptop - I wonder what he's doing?
Lum Some sort of search ...
Clem Oh, Bonky just slammed Chickens right in between the legs with her paddle!
Clem & Lum, together THAT'S GOTTA HURT!
Lum The entourage has pulled Trixxie's corner 40 feet out from where it belongs ...
Clem Bonky is winding up for another shot ...
Lum And Trixxie pulls out some lube! He's squirting it all about ...
Clem He slips free from Don King's entourage!
Lum He's flying into the ring trailing the ropes behind him!
Clem Everyone - Bonky, Chickens, Trae, Vertical Bob, and Squeamish - are all entangled! No one can move!
Lum Wait - Bonky can ...
Clem She's pulled Chickens' claymore loose from the floor ...
Lum She can reach Chickens! He's about to be gutted by his own claymore!
Clem What's that bright light?
Lum An angel! An angel has appeared and seized Bonky's arm!
Clem The heavens are opening - there's a bright figure descending ...
Lum Could it be J. C. himself?
Clem & Lum, together In tones of deepest awe and reverence It IS! It's JACK CHICK himself!
Clem He's got tracts about forgiveness ...
Lum he's passing them out ...
Clem Everyone's praying for God to forgive them in Jesus name ...
Lum The angel is freeing everyone from the ropes ...
Clem Bonky and Chickens are hugging ...
Lum Oh, what a happy ending!
Clem The Gabbers are leaving the coliseum with JC and the angel ...
Lum Trixxie is trying to get the angels phone number ...
Clem So is Trae ...
Lum And the Gabbers have left the building!
Clem I wonder what Squeamish was doing with his laptop?
Lum I don't know, but if he'd been more help, Chickens might have won this outright - he had a lot of weapons!
Clem Speaking of weapons, isn't that a B-52?
ENORMOUS EXPLOSION AND LIGHT
Lum Well, now we know what Squeamish was doing!
Clem He hacked into the Pentagons network and called down a B-52 strike on Dale Earnhardt Memorial!
Lum With a thermobaric bomb, meaning that the temperatures down there reached thousands of degrees!
Clem & Lum, together THAT'S GOTTA HURT!
Clem But not for long!
Clem & Lum, together Har de har de har!
Lum I wonder why the angels didn't save all those people in the audience?
Clem God moves in mysterious ways, Lum.
A man with a burning mullet runs between the camera and the announcers, pursued by an angel with a fire extinguisher. The picture breaks into static, and then fades to black.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
20 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=542522
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0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=542722
ODBPM - Kelly Osbourne's Sex Slave 356  10
08/02/2002 12:56 AM
That was pretty good
It needed a zombie though. That and Jesse Ventura should have been special guest referee
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0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=542729
Declan McManus 131,867 36
08/02/2002 01:05 AM
I snorted pear juice all over my screen!
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0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=542753
Microcube - Hero of Love 13,428 12
08/02/2002 02:41 AM
dear god feeble. that was PURE comedic genius. in its most pure and unadulterated form.
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0 votes
0.0
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and sockk said no 4,060 0
08/02/2002 02:45 AM
it's spelled Ed
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0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=542786
Stormtrooper in Drag 17,582 13
08/02/2002 07:21 AM
Jack Chick! That was good!
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=542790
Feeble, Knight of the Old Code 32,400 15
08/02/2002 08:51 AM
I left out a part - Trae and VBob dancing a tango and the announcers ranting about the laciviousness of it all.
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0 votes
0.0
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FreakOnIce 399 10
08/02/2002 01:36 PM
Bravo!
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=543046
dr froglord 9,243 13
08/02/2002 01:42 PM
*golf clap*
Well done.
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0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=543114
Hi, my name is: Chickens 286,208 61
08/02/2002 02:23 PM
I told them the doorknob shaped ring corner was going to cause my team a distinct disadvantage.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=543550
Feeble, Knight of the Old Code 32,400 15
08/02/2002 06:14 PM
Next time, pick better corner men. Someone with lots of experience in violence, like Wako and Demon Disciple.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=543619
The Lady Trixxie 65,021 15
08/02/2002 08:30 PM
"I did not have sex with that doornob."
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=544037
Feeble, Knight of the Old Code 32,400 15
08/03/2002 02:32 PM
You can only say that because the doorknob didn't come.
You selfish bastiche.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=544172
Bonky 75,728 15
08/03/2002 09:04 PM
That was fun. WAIT! Did you say I weigh 140 pounds?!
Hell hath no fur of a beaver shorned!
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=551495
Doc Freex 2,863 12
08/14/2002 10:48 PM
Feeble, I love your work.
You make me cry with laughter.
DoitagainDoitagain !! !! !!
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=554310
Bonky 75,728 15
08/18/2002 10:15 AM
So, . . . . I won, . . . . right?
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Store
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