Japan, Part Two
A comedy article
by Cap'n Stuby  17,826  13
08/11/2002 10:56 AM 272 views
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This is part two in an ongoing series of the differences between civilized culture and the Pokemon-smoking tragedy that Japan has become. Please note that not all of these are funny, but they ARE written from the perpective of a man who was once 15 blocks away from Joe Piscopo when Joe had a career and is therefore about 70000 times more qualified than you to determine what is funny and what is funny enough to take a razor blade and tattoo yourself over.
Point 1: WE DID NOT DISPENSE NEARLY ENOUGH ATOMIC ENERGY IN JAPAN 58 YEARS AGO.
Proof: Japanese people are children. They're kept that way by a government who is deathly afraid that some people will mature into adults and stop the rolling of the good times. This would negate the song made famous in the 80's, thereby destroying ANY link Japan has with ANYTHING that makes sense at all. There are warning signs on toilet seats, train tickets and CONSTANT broadcasts in shopping malls and bus stations that politely inform you using a dimunitively respectful form of Japanese that you should remember not to lose your purse or wallet and not to fall on the tracks. I saw a sign that told me not to fall into the Japanese-style toilet. I wanted to change it so it said TO fall in and then wait and see how many Japanese would drown (every last one of the drones would).If you changed the announcement to an Ozzy song played backwards, you'd soon have them all killing each other, in the name of heavy metal. THAT, MY WHITE FRIENDS, IS AN HONORABLE WARRIOR'S DEATH.
The politicians and figures of authority use a condescending tone to make the dependent Japanese children (read: the whole country) think that everything is OK. Drums of poisonous waste leak under a neon pink sign with a cute bee or kitten. IT'S A KITTEN OF DEATH, YAMADA-SAN, DON'T DIE IN VAIN! In reality, though, the people in charge don't know what's going on and they don't care as long as things don't change too much. There isn't much change that goes on here; things keep going until they peter out. As long as porn, beer and other diversions keep the "kids" happy, Japan will continue to go downhill.
Point 2: WE WOULD DO WELL IF WE WERE TO RELEASE A LOT OF NUCLEAR ENERGY OVER JAPAN RIGHT NOW.
Proof: Japan's BIGGEST epxorts are puerile forms of entertainment. The release of thousands of milliliters of semen over a drug-addled girl's face is NOT something a country should be proud of (the all-anal sphincter-splitting jizz fest films of California are a notable exception, as they showcase the superiority of American plastic surgery). Pokemon and the tedious, derivative stories common to anime and manga are the most popular form of entertainment here...they're FOR kids. Japan has no serious cultural export that enriches the world. ANYthing they had is slowly disappearing as the old masters die off and modern "cute" culture takes over the traditions and turns them pink, with cute rabbit ears. Japan's only saving grace is the ability of its workers to maintain a high industrial output, regardless of the psychological or environmental cost of doing so. The official poilitical speeches and the poorly-written taglines on cars indicated the "servant of Earth and indication of spirit fighting for environment power good friendly clean" but the reality is burning plastic and grass everyday while oil and chemical runoff sits in the rice fields. In Japan, they say "Frost MOTHER EARTH."
Point 3: I need REAL beer. PLEASE.
Proof: The beer here all tastes the same and has an unnaturally high amount of foam. This means that the beer is probably hyper-carbonated and filled with chemicals that make the foam too thick to drink the beer through. Even Pabst is better than this stuff. One beer, called "Ichiban" (Number 1), actually tastes like it has citric acid added to it. Mexican brews taste good with lime (Modelo Especial and Tecate come to mind), but these beers all taste like they were made with ingredients that aren't usually used for beer-making. The few good brews are really expensive. My favorite brand is 16 dollars for a six-pack. GOD HELP ME OR I WILL MAKE BEER FROM THE FIRST PLANT I SEE.
More to come as I learn more and more Japanese and learn enough to figure out just HOW bad this place is Frosted up.
Don't ever come here, don't ever date a Jap bitch (you WILL pay for it..they're misery in the bodies of 12-year old boys), don't ever drink the beer. Just beat off over their porn, go get yourself a nice girl from Thailand and kick back with a bottle of Anchor Steam beer and a good video from our porny pals in Southern Cal.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
11 votes
5.0
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10 Comments on "Japan, Part Two"
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0 votes
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Chouggy, Thumb Boy 5,183  13
08/13/2002 03:10 PM
Why don't you tell us how you really feel?
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0 votes
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Haggis 702 11
08/14/2002 12:53 AM
You found out the shower peeker was a man, didn't you.
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0 votes
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John Hargrave 128,742 73
08/14/2002 02:17 PM
Your first update from Japan was a masterpiece of wit and humor. This update was just a random splattering of vulgarity and shock humor, as indicated by the lack of a response.
I hope you will go back to your previous style with your next update.
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Reek Stankleberry 3,653 12
08/14/2002 02:25 PM
I work in the same building as Joe Piscopo.
I have a friend that is a nip. You should see his eyes. They are so weird.
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Declan McManus 131,867 36
08/14/2002 03:14 PM
sounds like the good Cap'n is a tad disillusioned.
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cyberwave 0 11
08/15/2002 02:33 AM
As a half-Jap, I would like to say that he is correct on some points. However, 99 percent of teenagers are garbage wherever you go. Anyway, that's because he lives in a terrible, terrible town. There are plenty of smart successful people that come out of Japan too. I know this woman who is 23ish or whatever, top of her 300 person class, going to be a doctor soon. Really hot too. You won't find that in Nishiwaki. Man you probably will never get a cable modem, it's available in Kobe though, for about 5,000 yen a month. Also, about the nuclear comments, though you might also hear me say that we should drop a 1,000 megaton hydrogen bomb over isreal so we can get some peace and quiet, those weapons are really really bad, and comments like that will usually offend people, and they're stupid anyway. Not that I'm offended. Yes, stereotypes are there for a reason, because they're true a lot of the time, and in your case it's understandable. You are around Shakespeareheads. Don't you have any friends in Japan who aren't Shakespeareheads? Seriously move back to the states and apply for a cushy government job or something. Sounds like your life is sucking over there. Also, I recommend super-Chu, it's a gay fruity drink, but it's better than the beer, in my oppinion. Actually why does anybody drink beer that stuff is pretty nasty. Okay I'm going now.
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vertical bob 26,707 13
08/15/2002 02:38 AM
That would have been much better if you had prefaced your comments with "Jane, you ignorant slut."
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Cap'n Stuby 17,826 13
08/15/2002 12:32 PM
Chu Hi is beer for men who are tired of being male and wish to be relieved of their testicles.
I'm telling EVERYTHING about Japan, funny or not. There are good and bad points to this place and I'll cover those next week.
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Dirk Lately 14,001 13
08/15/2002 08:41 PM
The idea of John giving Stuby humor pointers is absolutely hilarious. Which is in itself confusing.
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