Captain Biffington 19,936 13
09/12/2002 11:52 AM

lots of things are bad for business.

Squeamish 38,986 14
09/12/2002 11:53 AM

Sorry to tell you, John, but 98% of the addresses on the list are mine.

shoelace414 10,080 13
09/12/2002 11:53 AM

Mr. newbie John Hargrave...



..show us your tits.

Ayahuasca 0 0
09/12/2002 11:55 AM

So, in other words, you want us to sink down to your level and resort to humor that doesn't involve words like "Frost", "Shakespeare", or "bundt cake" just so we can get more people like ElDiablo showing up.

Chackenbutter 181,255 35
09/12/2002 11:56 AM

I signed up about twelve years ago. I wonder if I'm still on the list?

Bonky 75,728 15
09/12/2002 12:01 PM

Will there be an All Nude Cat Review in this one?

Reek Stankleberry 3,653 12
09/12/2002 12:01 PM

If a new guy tries to talk to me I'm gonna crack him in the face with my goddamn fist.

Chackens, Original Recipe 286,208 61
09/12/2002 12:02 PM

If were signed on with a valid email address, are we on the list?

Bonky 75,728 15
09/12/2002 12:03 PM

One thing that may not appeal to the onslaught of new sign ups, I'm sure, is the GIGANTIC POPUP AD FOR SOME JACKASS CASINO TELLING ME I'VE ALREADY WON!!!!!

Chackenbutter 181,255 35
09/12/2002 12:03 PM

You too?

Merkin 10,008 13
09/12/2002 12:04 PM

Moon's gonna have a full inbox tonight.

Bonky 75,728 15
09/12/2002 12:05 PM

I'm making Chocolate Malt O Meal for breakfast!

Trae (El Pollo Frito es en mi pantelones) 156,785 17
09/12/2002 12:13 PM

Oh C'mon, I think n00bs can be fun! Think of them as new playmates on the playground of comedy!





We can play tetherball!!

3,653 12
09/12/2002 12:30 PM

Hi dicks. I am new here and I think you all suk on buts! Be nice to me or u will be in truble!!!

moles that are naked 5,357 10
09/12/2002 12:31 PM

Shut Up Moon !

Chouggy, Thumb Boy 5,183 13
09/12/2002 01:25 PM

John, telling GAB to be good is like telling my 5 yr old son not to eat the cake on the counter ....











He tells me to fvck off.

Chackens, Original Recipe 286,208 61
09/12/2002 01:39 PM

Or telling your dog to watch your fried chicken to make sure no one eats it while you walk around the block.



Good luck.

SalsaShark, Chacken Nugget 6,518 11
09/12/2002 01:40 PM

every time he updates the site or adds a new feature, john sounds like that kid from the old commercials who can't play basketball because of his asthma. "C'mon guys! C'mon guys!"



...only there's no Superman to help john out.

Disabuser 3,439 11
09/12/2002 01:41 PM

<action>killed a n00b in Reno just to watch it die.</action>

simon karabin 56 10
09/12/2002 01:42 PM

This is all just a crass ploy to get addresses for a "Doctor-Approved Pills Guaranteed to Enlarge Your Penis 3-4 Inches Overnight" mailing list.

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,400 15
09/12/2002 01:46 PM

I believe in kindness to n00bs, just like children and dumb animals. All of us were n00bs someplace, sometime. Why, I still remember the first time I started a thread, and someone ripped me a new Emerson for "not understanding what zug is about". Brings tears to my eyes.



Anyway, there may be a flood of a few dozen newbies, and perhaps 5 of them will be keepers, in the sense that they'll be at least as funny as, say, me. Let's not scare them off!

SalsaShark, Chacken Nugget 6,518 11
09/12/2002 01:49 PM

i'm perfectly willing to be nice to a n00b, but they've got to be willing to learn. an obstinate n00b is asking for an anal reaming, if you ask me.



where's doc wibble at?

Mole Dance 5,357 10
09/12/2002 01:50 PM

THe only reason I stay around is I like it rough, so perhaps John may want to start recruiting on S & M sites.

Trae (El Pollo Frito es en mi pantelones) 156,785 17
09/12/2002 02:01 PM

<action> pulls Moles hair, bites her neck.

Mole Dance 5,357 10
09/12/2002 02:03 PM

I said rough, not Vampire, Trae now I am going to have to put you in the gimp mask !!!

Chackens, Original Recipe 286,208 61
09/12/2002 02:16 PM

<action> pops a stiffy, pulls out the popcorn and has a seat

Cap'n Stuby 17,826 13
09/12/2002 02:21 PM

ZUG is a business, and it is bad for business when existing users are not welcoming to new users





As you have already learned, comedy is bad for business. If you'd have converted ZUG into an online casino or became an Internet domain name reseller, you'd be rolling in money and live handgrenades.



You want to live the life of a comedy site webbastard, you take the risks and suffer through the bad times.

Declan McManus 131,867 36
09/12/2002 07:28 PM

I'll be nice, if they'll be smart.

FreakOnIce 399 10
09/12/2002 07:45 PM

i got something that says:

'error decoding body'



hep meeeeeeee

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,400 15
09/12/2002 07:51 PM

I will agree that some n00bs are so haughty that they ASK to be castrated with pliers.



This is more difficult with the female n00b, but I perservere.

naggylass 86,684 14
09/12/2002 08:01 PM

yer.... n00bs....

what's their problem?

tchh!



















*sits very still avoiding eye contact*

Miss Trixxie LeMay Chakens 65,021 15
09/13/2002 09:12 AM

Remaining True to the Spirt of New ZUG Features:





John my Precious:





Newsletter No Workie !!!

Professor Nutbutter 181,255 35
09/13/2002 09:45 AM

I got three of them, probably because I subscribed three times over the years.



I unsubscribed to two of them.



Works fine. I have no idea where these jokes came from though.

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,400 15
09/13/2002 09:46 AM

I have received the newsletter. It says Sleestack's articles are funnier than mine.

Chackens, Original Recipe 286,208 61
09/13/2002 10:03 AM

SHOW US YOUR NOOBS!

SalsaShark, Chacken Nugget 6,518 11
09/13/2002 10:07 AM

i received no newsletter.



after YEARS of hard work, i'm snubbed like this!?



that's it. from now on, it's nothing but sophomoric, low-brow fart jokes and sexual innuendo from me. i'm going to bring this place to it's knees.



right after i have my juice.

Rich (The Compass) 641 12
09/13/2002 10:59 AM

Is this the wrong time to say "I hate HTML email"?



Cuz I do.

Miss Trixxie LeMay Chakens 65,021 15
09/13/2002 11:01 AM

Okay, I figured out I had to open the "partially hidden" attachment with IE, but all I got was a rehash of articles I had allready read, did I miss something ?

Professor Nutbutter 181,255 35
09/13/2002 11:02 AM

Also, the joke of the month was posted two months ago.



I want my money back!

Chackens, Original Recipe 286,208 61
09/13/2002 11:18 AM

What's Gab without we bitch about everything John does, huh?

Cap'n Stuby 17,826 13
09/13/2002 11:19 AM

I'd rather shove a glass bottle into an AIDS patient and Frost her until it breaks than subscribe to your newsletter.



<Scooter Brown>

Pants 14,252 17
09/13/2002 11:29 AM

Asking the Gab community to be nice to newbs is just ask effective as a new inmate asking others to leave him alone because his hemoriods are inflared.

Chouggy, Thumb Boy 5,183 13
09/13/2002 03:20 PM

I got the newsletter too, guys.











Uumm, I think its the newsletter. You guys got the picture of John naked holdin' his penis, right?

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,400 15
09/13/2002 04:46 PM

That's too short to be a letter, it's more of a memo.

Superbowl Shuffle 19,936 13
09/13/2002 05:14 PM

I'd rather shove a glass bottle into an AIDS patient and breed her until it breaks than subscribe to your newsletter.

Professor Nutbutter 181,255 35
09/13/2002 05:33 PM

Does anyone have Scooter's email address so we can all forward the Zugmail to him?

My hubby is gay 1,522 10
09/13/2002 05:47 PM

It should be on one of the old threads.



Callie? Search Goddess? Do your thing.

Callie Mollari 14,455 13
09/13/2002 06:14 PM

I live to serve

Squeamish 38,986 14
09/13/2002 06:18 PM

It's "annoyjim@squeamishossifrage.com"

Doc 7,105 13
09/13/2002 06:24 PM

Thank you for that Callie. Without that link, I wouldn't have found this gem.



"You know, you'd think having an old computer dork who hangs out on a message board all day because no one will listen to him in real life pick on you wouldn't sting this badly, but it does."

My hubby is gay 1,522 10
09/13/2002 06:29 PM

Callie, I bow before you and pledge you my undying love.



Do you have an application for the Harem job?

Doc 7,105 13
09/13/2002 06:34 PM

*psssst*



Yo, dude, is Callie hot?

My hubby is gay 1,522 10
09/13/2002 07:12 PM

Who cares if she's hot?



She is a Search Goddess and that's all I need to know.



Smart is sexy, you know?

Callie Mollari 14,455 13
09/13/2002 09:03 PM

Psst...Doc, you met me in February.



I'm not hot, but in a couple of years I'll probably have hot flashes, does that count?

Doc 7,105 13
09/13/2002 09:16 PM

Uh... I did? Did uh.. you know.... like, we do it?

Callie Mollari 14,455 13
09/13/2002 09:19 PM

Alas, Gabfest Boston was not an orgy. We bowled together though.



The closest you were to my hotel room was when you went to Meg's room to change or whatever.

Doc 7,105 13
09/13/2002 09:25 PM

Oh ... uh.. yeah!!



The Gab fest was NOT an orgy. We all BOWLED. You and I BOWLED together. We all had lots of fun BOWLING.





Yes, I remember.

Callie Mollari 14,455 13
09/13/2002 09:28 PM

Those were some really nice firm balls...I'll always remember them.

Doc 7,105 13
09/13/2002 09:31 PM

Jesus Christ!!



Didn't we go through this YESTERDAY? Didn't CANDIE make some similar comment?! Didn't I vibrate into another plane of EXISTANCE?? Don't you realize that HURTS?!

Professor Nutbutter 181,255 35
09/13/2002 09:32 PM

<action>wanders into thread

Callie Mollari 14,455 13
09/13/2002 09:32 PM

I can kiss it and make it all better though...

Callie Mollari 14,455 13
09/13/2002 09:33 PM

<action> waits for Doc to spontaneously combust.

Callie Mollari 14,455 13
09/13/2002 09:36 PM

<action> wonders what Doc and Nutty are doing that's keeping them so quiet.

Doc 7,105 13
09/13/2002 09:46 PM

GODDA

Superbowl Shuffle 19,936 13
09/14/2002 05:49 AM

*get's a new hotmail address*

Superbowl Shuffle 19,936 13
09/14/2002 05:57 AM

Who the Frost is bree lowery? You're gonna die you son of a bitch.



God damn that was some lame-ass Shakespeare. Hargrave, you Frost-ing suck comedy from the universe into the abyss like a goddamn black whole. It's not every day I read Shakespeare that's just so unfunny that it pisses me off but holy Shakespeare looking that god-awful newsletter makes me hate you.

Professor Nutbutter 181,255 35
09/14/2002 10:38 AM

heh.



Scooter reminds me of the kid in elementary school who used to pull the girl's hair, claiming he hated them all.



Of course, we all knew he was secretly in love with them all.



These days, he wears panties under his WalMart uniform.

Feeble, Knight of the Old Code 32,400 15
09/14/2002 11:03 AM

In Scooter's case, the panties are wadded up to give him falsie biceps.

John Hargrave 128,742 73
09/14/2002 11:33 AM

Thanks for the constructive criticism!

32,400 15
09/14/2002 11:37 AM

<action>Ding! Ding! Ding!

8,640 15
09/16/2002 04:43 PM

bump

Superbowl Shuffle 19,936 13
09/16/2002 04:52 PM

You're welcome, sh|tface!

Dead Robot 67,630 16
09/16/2002 04:58 PM

Harsh, Scootcrates.



I think the bullet is somewhere over there.

Mole Mittens !! 5,357 10
09/16/2002 05:00 PM

Hmmm Bree Lowery seems to be someone I know let me think.....

Feeble, possessed by the demon Chackens 32,400 15
09/16/2002 08:13 PM

Scooter is full of the milk of human kindness.



That's because he beat Declan up and stole it from him.