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The hunt, that is, for a new job. My current (temporary) employment ends soon, and now I have to get motivated, take the bull by the proverbial horns, and Super Size my Value Mealticket. These days, job seekers in any market might do better consulting goat's entrails than the Help Wanted section, but those of us in Metro Boston face our own Herculean tasks. In this town, finding work often takes more work than working does.
All successful job searches begin with the hunt for new leads. The Boston Globe has all but cornered the local print market with their weekly Help Wanted section and their semi-annual "Big Help" pullout. The hallmark of the Globe's Help Wanted section is the miniscule typeface. The Globe crams more jobs into an area the size of my thumbnail than I could apply for in a decade. Unfortunately, ninety percent of those listings seek a "seasoned Heating, Ventilation and Air Conditioning Mechanic." "Big Help," indeed.
The more technically-savvy among us venture onto the fabled Interweb in search of job listings, and eventually stumble onto the optimistically titled BostonWorks.com. I dare say that if 'Boston' were really 'Working,' that particular web site would be superfluous, wouldn't it? But I digress. As the online arm of the enthusiastically named "Big Help," BostonWorks.com presents the same openings as in the dead tree version, only now they're bitterly fought over by a mob of online techno-geeks. Retirees jockeying for early seating at the Old Country Buffet have nothing on the ravenous, job-seeking horde scouring BostonWorks.com for fresh listings.
The also aptly monikered Monster.com, BostonWorks.com's prime competition in this charged market, actually emails you new job listings custom-fitted to specifications that you choose! Terrific! The only drawback I can find in this system is that the matches are made by a gang of over stimulated Rhesus monkeys. Inputting keywords such as "writer," "editor" and "communications" generates matches like "Thai Food Prep Chef Needed Urgently!" and "Experienced HVAC Mechanic -- Wanted Yesterday!!"
Many job hunters, often still shell-shocked from the trench warfare of online searching, turn to their friends and coworkers in the time-honored tradition of "networking." This is when we hand out business cards like Halloween candy and ask our colleagues and neighbors to pimp us out to their own colleagues and neighbors. The idea is that eventually we'll all end up pimping each other out and have a splendid time dressing up like monsters and gorging ourselves on business cards.
The big downside of networking, aside from eating all that paper, is that everyone does it. Consequently, once you hit the streets with resume in hand, it's every applicant for himself in a steel cage job hunt deathmatch. The political backstabbing and infighting among Boston's unemployed would convince hardened U.N. diplomats to give up and call the Marines. I bumped into an old high school friend of mine a few weeks ago, and we got to talking about our respective (and ongoing) job hunts:
Me: I applied for a job at BizCo, it sounds pretty good. I think I have a great shot at it.
Buddy: Yeah, I saw that same listing; I applied too. I think they mentioned you when I called, as a matter of fact.
Me: Wow, great! Did you put in a good word for me?
Buddy: No, but I did tell them that you've got Mad Cow Disease!
So now, instead of pimping me out like he's supposed to, one of my oldest friends from back home has torpedoed me. And I'm still packing on the pounds from eating all those business cards.
After surviving the search for fresh leads and double-crossing your friends, you reach the final challenge: the dreaded interview. Proper interview etiquette punishes applicants for the grueling hours spent trying to obtain an interview in the first place. The Prime Directive of Interviewing states that applicants must remain as uncomfortable as possible throughout the process by wearing only those garments designed for maximum suffering. Rigid, chafing layers of wool and pinching, bunion-raising footwear must effectively banish all traces of relaxation. Furthermore, the ideal interview attire attracts every speck of urban grime within a three-block radius. I once arrived for an appointment trying in vain to wipe a subway rat off my suit coat.
A career counselor once told me that the first exam a corporate interviewer gives all applicants is the "sniff test." The interviewer greets the interviewee warmly and holds the door open as they enter the conference room. As the applicant passes by, the interviewer actually sniffs them; presumably they can determine by scent alone whether a prospect would fit in at a particular company. Now, I don't mind telling you that when I'm even mildly tense, I sweat. I sweat profusely. I have trouble even gripping a pencil for the rivulets of liquid dread seeping from my palms. Now, on top of my already mortifying physical condition, I have to worry about some demented corporate suit taking a big whiff of my fear-stink the instant I meet him? "Oh God," I think, "should I have gone with the Speed Stick this morning? Maybe this is a Right Guard company! Why didn't I wear Old Spice?!"
So there you have it. Finding a job these days is undeniably tough work, but with a little grit, a backpack full of business cards and six different brands of deodorant, I'm confident that I'll find employment soon. And even if I don't, I still have a flyer from that HVAC Mechanic's school.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
9 votes
5.0
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0 votes
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John Hargrave 128,742  73
09/26/2002 05:06 PM
I thought this was very funny, and quite elegantly written.
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0 votes
0.0
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SalsaShark 6,518 11
09/26/2002 05:19 PM
thank you, kind sir.
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0 votes
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SalsaShark 6,518 11
09/26/2002 05:31 PM
soooooo...got a job you need filled? i'll work for food!
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0 votes
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My hubby is gay 1,522 10
09/27/2002 02:25 PM
You could always do some street walking.
And yes, funny, poignant, well written, well researched, a bit mortifying, and just enough angst not to be pathetic.
Wait, I was reading Dr. Seuss.
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0 votes
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Vex Chackles of Luv 5,948 11
09/27/2002 03:21 PM
I liked it to. Definitely one of the best 2 or 3 non-John articles yet.
Bravo, Salsashark.
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0 votes
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Professor Nutbutter 181,255 35
09/27/2002 03:37 PM
heh. fear-stink.
Salsashark funny.
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0 votes
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froglord 9,243 13
09/27/2002 03:39 PM
This article SUCKS!
Oh, sorry, I forgot to override the automatic article response. This was a great article. Do it again!
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Chackens Dantes 286,208 61
10/01/2002 04:05 PM
I don't get the job-searching humor, cause I HAVE A JOB YOU LOSER. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAhahahahahahahah snort, wheeze.
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0 votes
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SalsaShark 6,518 11
10/02/2002 11:38 AM
i hate you like that, chix.
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0 votes
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SalsaShark 6,518 11
10/02/2002 11:40 AM
and thanks for the feedback, guys. well, thanks for the good feedback, anyway. that's the only kind i listen to.
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