The Squirrel
A comedy article
by Sleestack  30,342  13
10/18/2002 01:34 PM 252 views
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I walk through a park each morning on my way to the train station. At this time of year, the park is full of squirrels frantically rounding up stores for the winter. Usually they are mindful of humans and scamper away when we walk by on our little pedestrian path.
This morning, a squirrel ran out into the path, and just... froze. I expected him to run away as I approached, but to my surprise he was motionless. I walked right up to him, and stopped. We were about 3 feet apart, just staring at each other.
What the heck? Why is this squirrel blocking my path? Is it hungry? Is this just a lunatic squirrel, or is this significant? Is it trying to comunicate with me? Is it trying to impart some vital bit of information, breaking the squirrel Code of Silence to inform me of matters of great ecological impact? Do I, just perhaps, have Dr. Doolittle-like powers of communication with animals?
"Neep." I said. Seemed right.
The squirrel stared at me, motionless.
"Um... something I can do for ya?"
Stare.
"Huh. See, I'm kinda running late for work, so..."
Stare.
Maybe I wasn't making myself clear. I should establish a common ground. "Work. Me. Kinda like, I gotta go gather the nuts, see? Gotta forage and find nuts and stuff them in my cheeks." At this point I was doing an elaborate pantomime of scrounging the ground and shoving invisible nuts in my mouth and puffing out my cheeks. "Gotta put them in my tree and store them up for the winter, so if there's something you need to say, now's the time, okay?"
Stare.
"What? You want a peanut? The End is Nigh? Timmy fell down the well? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT??"
Stare.
"Screw you, squirrel."
Stare.
"Funny, your mamma wasn't so quiet last night."
Stare.
"Get the hell out of my way, you stupid furry rat-like roadkill-in-training."
Amazingly, the squirrel moved. It turned, and slowly hopped away, off the walk and into the grass. And so ended my one-side dialogue with the squirrel. No vital information was passed, the Human-Squirrel Barrier remained intact. In the end, I insulted fauna.
But as I walked away, I caught the squirrel again out of the corner of my eye, and for the briefest moment, I thought I saw a single tear glistening on it's fuzzy cheek.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
74 votes
5.0
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29 Comments on "The Squirrel"
(Funniest: Sleestack) |
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John Hargrave 128,742  73
10/24/2002 11:43 AM
"Timmy fell down the well?"
Heh.
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Chackens 286,208 61
10/24/2002 11:51 AM
You just don't know when to punt, do you?
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Chackens 286,208 61
10/24/2002 11:52 AM
You could have drop kicked Rocky through the goalposts of life.
He would have thanked you for it.
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Dirk Lately 14,001 13
10/24/2002 12:15 PM
That was beautiful, man, or maybe it's the six bottles of Robitussin talking. Not sure, but I LOVE YOU
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Professor Nutbutter 181,255 35
10/24/2002 12:16 PM
If we don't punt the squirrels then the terrorists have already won.
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Sleestack 30,342 13
10/24/2002 12:26 PM
Now each day, a bunch of squirrels line up along each side of the path and intently watch me pass.
I swear this means something.
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Dead Robot 67,630 16
10/24/2002 12:50 PM
I was attacked by a squirrel once. I pretened to have food and it went mental on me when it found out there was no nut.
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Disabuser 3,439 11
10/24/2002 01:16 PM
It sounds like you may some bizarre controlling influence over squirrels. So you obviously should gather a mighty legion of squirrels and send them forth to terrorize your community.
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Sleestack 30,342 13
10/24/2002 01:34 PM
(lightning crashes)
(Neep!)
Now go forth, my (Neep!) legion, my army, my (Neep!) plague of nut-gathering slaves! GO FORTH AND (Neep!) FETCH SOMETHIN' GOOD FOR DADDY!!
BWAAAHAHAHA(Neep!)HAHAHAHHAH!!
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Callie Mollari. Destroyer of GAB 14,455 13
10/24/2002 01:43 PM
Slee, those additional squirrels probably also share the same mamma. You know, the one you made insinuations about...
I'd watch my back if I were you! Especially if they're black squirrels.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
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Sleestack 30,342 13
10/24/2002 01:52 PM
The Man is always keeping the black squirrel down.
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Today I am a whole Lemming.... 5,357 10
10/24/2002 02:13 PM
I feed our little furry friends & this summer I set my son up with a picnic on our patio & they try to steal his food, so I brought the picnic inside & then the vermin try to break in through our screen door. EVIL is with them !
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Admiral Feeble 32,400 15
10/24/2002 06:01 PM
Sleestack doesn't remember. Never surrender to the squirrels. They will harvest and bury your nuts.
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I'm Leppy, and I'm a GABaholic. 12,056 12
10/24/2002 06:34 PM
Beautiful. Don't punt the squirrels, they're cool. Fish for them.
Punt the pidgeons.
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Declan McManus 131,867 36
10/25/2002 01:06 AM
You, Slee, are one funny MOFO.
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Bonky 75,728 15
10/25/2002 08:54 AM
I, too, expected the squirrel to be flipping him off.
Check your back pocket as you pass. Those little scalliwags could be playing their little Oliver Twist game again!
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There once was a GABber named Gonzo 20,522 17
10/29/2002 02:58 PM
The significance: The little guy kept you occupied just long enough to keep you from getting hit by a bus.
Reason for the tear: He didn't men to. He hates humans.
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Lindsey 988 13
12/16/2002 07:51 AM
*shrug*
This is the way it always is 'round where I live. They stand in the middle of the sidewalk and stare you down. Someone made a comedy short film about it once, I think.
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Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
07/01/2003 09:39 PM
I miss Sleestack...
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Oedipa Schmedipa 650 11
07/01/2003 09:42 PM
The other day, I was singing, "You are my Sleestack, my only Sleestack..."
I agree.
*sigh*
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PuggyD 48,304 12
07/02/2003 09:09 AM
Yeah, um, my mom collects squirrel stuff. Our house if full of little ceramic squirrels, squirrel salt and pepper shakers, etc. She even has a "squirrel room".
The other day she was looking out the window and called for my dad, saying "There's Spot!" I thought it might be a dog that always get loose around our house, but no...they're naming squirrels now.
But in their defense, I saw it yesterday, and it does have a spot.
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John Freaking Smith 0 9
07/02/2003 11:36 AM
I remember as a child, my grandfather had captured a squirrel. I don't remember what they named it but it was something really stupid.
anyway.... when me and my 2 sisters would come to visit my grandpa would let the little beast out of its cage. Then he'd watch and laugh as it scampered over everything, including us which left really bad scratches. My grandfather laughed. Everyone else ran in terror. (getting bit by a squirrel REALLY hurts!).
Eventually before he could be arrested for either cruelty to animals or child abuse they let it go, but for some strange reason they dyed its tail bright red...
Damn that thing to hell.
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Trae: This Side Up. 156,785 17
08/27/2006 09:42 AM
I had to revive this.
I miss Slee....
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Professor Nutbutter 181,255 35
08/27/2006 12:32 PM
If Slee would come back to Gab I'd give him a dollar.
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Bonky 75,728 15
08/27/2006 12:44 PM
Waaaay back, before I knew any better, I had a bit of a crush on Slee.
Hey, I remember Gonzo!
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