Trae (please return me to my upright position) 156,771 17
11/04/2002 01:12 PM

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says.



The bartender promptly serves up a beer.



"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.



"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."



























Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.



One says, "I think I've lost an electron."



The other says, "Are you sure?"



The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Sleestack 30,342 12
11/04/2002 01:12 PM

A rabbi, a cowboy, and George W. Bush all get sucked into a wind turbine. They died.

The Cooter Claw ! 5,357 10
11/04/2002 01:15 PM

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, ''Hey, we have a drink named after you!''

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, ''You have a drink named Steve?''

Merkin 10,008 12
11/04/2002 01:16 PM

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey! We don't serve food here."

Trae (please return me to my upright position) 156,771 17
11/04/2002 01:16 PM

Two goldfish in a tank one says "I can't drive this!"

Vex 5,948 11
11/04/2002 01:16 PM

Sleestack, NO FUNNY IN THIS THREAD.

psychaholic, for a shiny coat! 4,888 12
11/04/2002 01:16 PM

I started typing in the worst joke i know, but it was so bad I couln't post it.

Markmark 847 10
11/04/2002 01:16 PM

If you're American when you go into the bathroom and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?



European!

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
11/04/2002 01:18 PM

Two fags walked into a bar.



Then they got AIDS and died.

The Cooter Claw ! 5,357 10
11/04/2002 01:19 PM

You might be a redneck if you have to take your hat off so your wife can fit into the truck with you.

psychaholic, for a shiny coat! 4,888 12
11/04/2002 01:21 PM

Whew, got through it.









A shampoo salesman speeds along the road and hits a rabbit.



The The shampoo sales man decides to make ammends to the dead rabbit by washing it up with some of his product before speeding away again.



The next day, the shampoo salesman speeds along the same road and sees the rabbit standing by the side of the waving at him.



The same happens for the next week untill the guy stops and examins the rabbit. The rabbit is still waving.



The empty bottle next to the rabbit reads "Permanent wave conditioner for limp hair."

salvage Can't think of a witty name tag 28,986 12
11/04/2002 01:23 PM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dwayne

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the twub I'm dwoning!

psychaholic, for a shiny coat! 4,888 12
11/04/2002 01:25 PM

Your head rooks 'ed zachary' rike your ass.

The Cooter Claw ! 5,357 10
11/04/2002 01:27 PM

When's a joke like a father?



When the punchline's apparent!

Neal Obstat 2,492 11
11/04/2002 01:30 PM

Do you want to hear a dirty joke?



Well, the pig fell into the mud.

Vex 5,948 11
11/04/2002 01:31 PM

Ouch, Mole, stop. It hurts so good.

Chackens 282,028 58
11/04/2002 01:34 PM

Vex, you screwed your joke.





The dog owner asks for another opinion, and the vet sends in a Labrador Retreiver who gives the dead dog a once over and howls like he's lost his best friend.



Lab report- $100.

Vex 5,948 11
11/04/2002 01:36 PM

...



"Mommy, mommy, turn on your headlights, there's a snake in the grass!"

psychaholic, for a shiny coat! 4,888 12
11/04/2002 01:36 PM

This one almost got me beat up in a bar.







A married couple Rich and Buffy, go to Jamaca for vacation. After a couple days, the Rich hears that many guys tatoo things on thier penis in Jamaca. So, Rich tatoos his initials R J S, on his penis.



On his way home to show his wife, he stops on the side of the road to take a piss. Seconds later, a jamacan stands next to him and takes a piss. Rich notices W T J M tatooed on the jamacan's penis.



"Do you have two middle names?", pointing to the tatoo.





The Jamacan responst with a laugh, "No, when it gets hard, it says 'Welcome To Jamaca, Mon.'"

Ms Trixxie (robbed of contest 1st place) LeMay 65,014 14
11/04/2002 02:13 PM

One day Chakens tells his young son that it is time to become a man. Unfortunately, it had been a bad year for crops, and all Chakens had to give him is a duck. "Take this duck to Madam Wong Fu's and get yerself laid." , says Chakens. So the boy takes the duck to Madam Wong and she takes the duck in exchange for the boy's first sexual experience. The boy is so well hung that he actually satisfies the jaded old whore and she offers to give him his duck back for another session of sex. The boy is walking back to the Chaken farm with his duck, when the duck flies out of his arms and into the path of an on-comming auto. The driver feels sorry for the boy and gives the boy a dollar. When Chaken's son gets back, his daddy asks him how things went: "Not bad, dad. I got





a Frost for a duck









a duck for a Frost







and a buck for a Frosted up duck!

I'm Leppy, and I'm a GABaholic. 12,051 12
11/04/2002 02:50 PM

there was an old african king and he decided that he wanted to have the largest throne in africa. So he had his workers come build him a huge wooden 8' throne.



One day he dies, and his son decides that his will be the greatest throne ever. So he has his father's throne moved to the palace attic and has a huge 10' throne built.



One day he too dies and his son again decides to have the greatest throne of all time. So again the current throne is moved to the attic and a new 12' throne is built. but the palace can no longer hold the weight of thrones and the roof caves in, killing the king.



The moral? You shouldn't stow thrones if you live in a grass house.

Doc 7,105 12
11/04/2002 02:53 PM

My father used to love telling really Frost-ing stupid jokes.



He had two long ones, one was stupid, and one was the *worst* joke. I mean, it was like, absolutely horrible.



I won't get into them though, because they're really that bad and pointless.

I'm Leppy, and I'm a GABaholic. 12,051 12
11/04/2002 02:54 PM

So pete has just moved into a new town and his new neighbor comes in to welcome him. While telling pete about the town, he makes sure to inform him of the two most important tenets of the town.



One is that they have a snake named nate as a townmascot, so he should never kill a snake, lest he be jailed for life.



the other is that in town hall there is a large red lever that if pulled will destroy the whole town, so he should never pull it.



Later, pete is driving around town, when a snake suddenly slides into the road. To avoid hitting it, he swerves into the town hall, hits the lever, and kills them all.



The moral? Better nate than lever.

Doc 7,105 12
11/04/2002 02:55 PM

But the second one easily wins the worst joke ever.



See, the problem with people having 'worst joke contests' is that secretly, you're all really thinking 'joke with a really really bad pun, or with a really stupid punchline you didn't see coming' and not actually a joke that's just really really bad.

onion: ignorant slut 12,319 11
11/04/2002 03:07 PM

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?



"where's my tractor?"

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
11/04/2002 03:10 PM

q) What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?



a) Grapes are purple.





q) What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?



a) "Here come the elephants, over the hill!"





q) What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?



a) "Here come the grapes, over the hill!"



Jane was colorblind.

Trae (please return me to my upright position) 156,771 17
11/04/2002 03:10 PM

What did the orange juice say to the milk??































Nothing you idiot! Food doesn't talk!

Markmark 847 10
11/04/2002 03:13 PM

I thought bad pun jokes were called "shaggy dog" stories. I've got a couple of those...one involving American Indians and mathematics, and the other involving dolphins and the law. Like Doc, I'll spare you all, unless a shaggy dog thread emerges...

froglord 9,238 12
11/04/2002 03:27 PM

Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin looks at the other and says, "It sure is hot in here."



The second muffin looks over and says, "HOLY Shakespeare!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

Doc 7,105 12
11/04/2002 03:33 PM

Why is a raven like a writing desk?



Because it's notes are always flat.

Chackens 282,028 58
11/04/2002 03:49 PM

The boy is so well hung



Yep.



*grins*

Trae (please return me to my upright position) 156,771 17
11/04/2002 03:50 PM

<action> snickers...

Ms Trixxie (robbed of contest 1st place) LeMay 65,014 14
11/04/2002 04:04 PM

He's so well hung cause your not the biological father.

Chackens 282,028 58
11/04/2002 04:14 PM

Shaddup...



*pulls back hand to threaten the ole backhand at all of Louisianna*

John Hargrave 128,123 71
11/04/2002 05:15 PM

This is such a brilliant idea that I wish I had thought of it first.



So, Merkin's sandwich joke is currently the LEAST funny joke in the world?

Chackens 282,028 58
11/04/2002 05:22 PM

abbot- I once knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith...

costello- what was the name of his other leg?





Ba-dum-bump

Cookie Puss, DFEA 10,666 12
11/04/2002 05:24 PM

There once was a man named Harry Dick. The people in town didn't like Harry Dick so they hung him by his hairy dick.

Merkin 10,008 12
11/04/2002 05:26 PM

"So, Merkin's sandwich joke is currently the LEAST funny joke in the world?"



*giggles like a Japanese schoolgirl*

Cookie Puss, DFEA 10,666 12
11/04/2002 05:28 PM

*makes a bid on Merkin's used panties*

Spaztastic 3,290 11
11/04/2002 05:28 PM

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmellow?































So he wouldn't fall into the cup of hot chocolate.

Daddy's been a bad girl! 5,357 10
11/04/2002 05:28 PM

That is okay Merkin I was close behind you, just wait, I have got my eye on you !!!

Vex 5,948 11
11/04/2002 07:51 PM

So, Merkin's sandwich joke is currently the LEAST funny joke in the world?



C'mon John, don't be shy. We all know you have some real duds rolling around in the upstairs attic.



Let's hear 'em. Or are you saving them for John's Journal?

Dead Robot 67,626 15
11/04/2002 07:54 PM

A bear, a bunny and a mouse all walk into a doctor's office after being fused in a serious transporter accident and the doctor says: "Did you have an appointment?"

Daggy 86,649 14
11/04/2002 08:00 PM

Why is 10 scared of 7?



Because 7 8 9!

Daggy 86,649 14
11/04/2002 08:00 PM

A guy walked into a bar.



OUCH!

Barking Pumpkin 762 11
11/04/2002 08:01 PM

A rabbi, a cowboy, and George W. Bush all get sucked into a wind turbine. They died.



that isn't funny. It's my life's dream.

Daggy 86,649 14
11/04/2002 08:02 PM

Knock Knock



Who's there?



The interrupting sheep



The interrupting she..



BAA!































I'm not letting this go people!

][\/][ oleculo the ][\/][ olecular ][\/][ an 1,677 10
11/04/2002 08:38 PM

I'm sorry, but it was an interrupting cow here in the U.S.





Anyway, here goes:

A guy comes home from work one day to find his girlfriend packing.

"Honey, what are you doing? Are you leaving me?"

"I can't be with you anymore. You're a pedophile!"

"My...that's a big word for a nine year old."

][\/][ oleculo the ][\/][ olecular ][\/][ an 1,677 10
11/04/2002 08:39 PM

I've managed to offened nearly everyone I know with that one. It's bad in a bad way.

Yip Bonk Toad 3,028 12
11/04/2002 08:42 PM

I think I may have already told this one but here goes:



Notre Dame needed a new bell ringer. They auditioned many candidates until they got to this hunchbacked, deaf, mute man. They were about to dismiss him when he got up, ran full steam, face first into the bell and produced a perfect tone. He proceeded to ram his face into it repeatedly into the bell with near perfection - perfect tone, and perfect rhythm. They were amazed by this deaf mute hunchback and hired him on the spot.



For many years had no problems, he always was on time, never missed a beat. Unfortunately, one day he slipped while ringing the bells and fell to his death. The police showed up to investigate and asked the clergy some questions, including what was the hunchback's name. No one seemed to know, so someone replied "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."

Yip Bonk Toad 3,028 12
11/04/2002 08:43 PM

But wait, it gets worse.. there's more...



The staff was dismayed that they had lost such a good bell ringer, but had to start looking for a new one. Strangely enough, another deaf mute hunchback showed up and looked EXACTLY like the previous hunchback. He turned out to be the other one's brother.



Again, they weren't sure about hiring a deaf mute hunchback to ring the bells, but he got up, ran full blast into the bell and was just as good as his brother. They hired him and the bells rang perfectly for many years. But as fate would have it, one day while ringing the bells, he slipped and fell to his death. Again the police showed up and asked what the man's name was. They had never thought to ask his name, so someone replied "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother".

][\/][ oleculo the ][\/][ olecular ][\/][ an 1,677 10
11/04/2002 08:46 PM

*attempts to zap YipBonkToad with his laser eyes*



bzzttffff......fizzzle....





DAMN MY EYES! Damn my EYES!!!

Capy 157 10
11/04/2002 09:34 PM

A woman named her dog Minton.



It wouldn't come when she called, so she yelled 'Bad Minton!'





For some reason a lot of women find that one hilarious.

Capy 157 10
11/04/2002 09:40 PM

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?



A: One.

Capy 157 10
11/04/2002 09:41 PM

What's the ideal weight for an accordian player?



About two pounds, counting the urn.

G i b l B e o t n N k u y g g e t 12,005 11
11/04/2002 10:12 PM

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was attacked. He is in critical condition.





A duck goes into a pharmacy and orders chapstick. The clerk hands it to the duck. The duck says "I forgot my cash; do you take Discover?" The clerk says "No." Duck: "Visa?"

Clerk: "Yeah." Duck:"Cool, here ya go." So the duck is walking home, and this red truck drives by. Duck goes, like, "Damn that truck is driving fast!" Man, if you knew this duck you'd think that was funny. Just the way he said it.

Doc 7,105 12
11/04/2002 10:16 PM

*powers up*



Gh-I-BULLL...



Bee-OOOTTTT....



nnnnnnnnn ky-OOOOGHET!!! *fireball*







I know no one's going to get that, but I've been having to do that for the longest time.

G i b l B e o t n N k u y g g e t 12,005 11
11/04/2002 10:19 PM

Good...good...



now say it two more times...



COME ON!!



SAY IT!!!!

Sleestack 30,342 12
11/04/2002 10:19 PM

Buddy Hacket, to Johnny Carson: "Ask me what the secret to comedy is."

Johnny Carson: "What's the..."

Buddy Hacket (screams): "TIMING!!"

Doc 7,105 12
11/04/2002 10:21 PM

No no, it goes



"Knock knock"



"Who's there?"



"Interrupting Cow"



"Inter--"



"TIMING!"

Trae (Please return me to my upright position) 156,771 17
11/04/2002 10:29 PM

What do you call a dog with no legs?





Anything you want, he's not coming.

Doc 7,105 12
11/04/2002 10:32 PM

Worst Joke in the World:



I stole this from one of you guys. So don't click.



This pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his fly. The bartender says to the pirate, "Pirate, you've got a sterring wheel hanging from your crotch!" And the pirate says, "I know, it's drivin me nuts."

Trae (Please return me to my upright position) 156,771 17
11/04/2002 10:34 PM

I dunno.. this one is pretty bad:



A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"



The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Feeble, Knight of the Old Code 32,396 14
11/04/2002 10:34 PM

The worst joke ever was the Holocaust. It was a practical joke on a Jewish friend by Hitler and Himmler that just got out of hand.

Haggis 702 10
11/04/2002 10:58 PM

"So long to red dye #2."

Doc 7,105 12
11/04/2002 11:10 PM

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,

when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said

to his wife.



"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it

was just rain, he said".



Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument

about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they

saw a communist party official walking toward them.



"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade

Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official

approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it

officially raining or snowing?"



"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on. But the

woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man

quietly replied:



"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

Brother Detroit 40 10
11/04/2002 11:27 PM

Baby seal walks into a club.

Dirk Lately 14,001 12
11/04/2002 11:32 PM

Black fellow gets shot in the hand, goes to emergency. There the doctors begin to argue about how many strokes it will take to amputate.



"I could cut of that arm with only four slices!" says Doc One.



Doc Two quicky answers, "Three hacks is all I need!"



Doc Three is quiet for a moment, then says, "I can cut of that arm with two whacks."



Docs One and Two look at each other, and say "Go ahead. Maim that coon."

Dirk Lately 14,001 12
11/04/2002 11:35 PM

How do you top a car?









Tep on the brake, tupid.

][\/][ oleculo the ][\/][ olecular ][\/][ an 1,677 10
11/05/2002 03:20 AM

Haggis, you didn't take it far enough. It was The Maharishi's tribute to Red Dye #2 that was the worst joke. But nice try!

I'm Leppy, and I'm a GABaholic. 12,051 12
11/05/2002 03:48 AM

Why did the baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.



Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.



Why did the baby fall out of the tree?

Because it was stapled to the koala.



Why did the tree fall over?

The koala never let go.



Why did the kangaroo die?

Because the koala landed on it.

I'm Leppy, and I'm a GABaholic. 12,051 12
11/05/2002 03:50 AM

what's pink and bubbly and taps on glass?

A baby in a microwave.



What's pink and bubbly and spins as it taps on glass?

A baby in a rotary microwave.



What's black and smoking and spins?

Same baby 10 minutes later.

I'm Leppy, and I'm a GABaholic. 12,051 12
11/05/2002 03:51 AM

I literally have hundreds of these.

][\/][ oleculo the ][\/][ olecular ][\/][ an 1,677 10
11/05/2002 04:40 AM

I think you need a good therapist, Leppy. Wait, I'm sure I have Dr. Kavorkian's number here somewhere.





Here it is! 1-800-YOU-STFU

John Hargrave 128,123 71
11/05/2002 08:48 AM

The problem is, some of these are making me laugh, and I can't click them.



Must ... resist ... conditioning ...



I feel like one of Pavlov's German Shepherds.

John Hargrave 128,123 71
11/05/2002 08:49 AM

I also notice that Psychoholic's rabbit conditioner joke is gaining on Merkin's sandwich joke.

Trae (please return me to my upright position) 156,771 17
11/05/2002 10:17 AM

Pavlov's German Shepherds.





I thought they were Dobermans. Maybe I was conditioned to think that?

amymtn 662 10
11/05/2002 10:26 AM

Two words: Evil Duck.

Cravin Moorhead 3,307 12
11/05/2002 10:27 AM

AN old man goes to the doctor and says he wants to get some birth ontrol for his 9 ar old Granddaughter. The doctor asks "A 9 year old? Is she sexually active?" gramdpa says "no, she lays there like her grandmother."

Markmark 847 10
11/05/2002 10:30 AM

The name "Pavlov" rings a bell...

psychaholic, for a shiny coat! 4,888 12
11/05/2002 12:06 PM

A scientist is conducting an experiment on crickets. He puts a cricket in a jar and says "Cricket, jump!".



The cricket jumps.



The scientist cuts off the cricket's back right leg.



"Cricket, jump!".



The cricket jumps.



The scientist writes in his journal:

"Cut off back right leg, cricket jumps."



The scientist cuts off the back left leg.



"Cricket, Jump!"



The cricket doesn't jump.



"Cricket, Jump!"



The scientist writes in his journal:

"Cut off cricket's back left leg. Cricket becomes def."

Marilyn 12,471 12
11/05/2002 12:30 PM

Did you hear about the movie about pirates.



It was rated "arrrrgh".



Worst joke ever.

Bobette In Disguise 132 10
11/05/2002 12:37 PM

How long did it take a black lady to take a dump?



Nine months!

Bobette In Disguise 132 10
11/05/2002 12:40 PM

How do you keep 5 black guys from raping a white chick?



Throw them a basketball.

Bobette In Disguise 132 10
11/05/2002 12:44 PM

Knock Knock!!

Who's there?

Hooty

Hooty Who?

ablutophobic 313 11
11/05/2002 12:48 PM

why can't ghosts have babies?











they have hallow-weenies!!

Bobette In Disguise 132 10
11/05/2002 12:50 PM

What do you get when you open a can with a can opener?



A can thats now open!





What do you call 2 gay guys on stage?



Ricky Martin and Enique Englasi-ass open

Trae (please return me to my upright position) 156,771 17
11/05/2002 12:50 PM

Stop while your ahead, Bobette. Don't make me hate you.

Marilyn 12,471 12
11/05/2002 12:51 PM

God bless you Trae.

ablutophobic 313 11
11/05/2002 12:51 PM

a man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saranwrap shorts.



the doctor looked at him and said, "clearly i can see your nuts."

Squeamish 38,986 13
11/05/2002 12:52 PM

Here's my entry.



I win.

ablutophobic 313 11
11/05/2002 12:53 PM

have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?









they're making headlines.

psychaholic, for a shiny coat! 4,888 12
11/05/2002 12:55 PM

As sick as I am, I laughed at most of these jokes.

132 10
11/05/2002 12:57 PM

What do you get when you get on ZUG as a n00b?



Bobette...or ZUG hate!

Bobette In Disguise 132 10
11/05/2002 12:59 PM

That's love where I come from!

Markmark 847 10
11/05/2002 01:02 PM

Bobette, your last joke sucked. Should've ended on a high note, like your rape joke.

Bobette In Disguise 132 10
11/05/2002 01:15 PM

ummm...ok



The Seven Dwarfs were sitting in a tub feeling happy.



...So Happy got up and left.



A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.

''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?''



''Lipstick remover.''





AND THE GOODEN IS:



Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail.

So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.



So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.



I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.



Wow, how'd you do that? asks the judge.



I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.



Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. -I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.



Wow. How'd you do that? asked the judge.



Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...

Marilyn 12,471 12
11/05/2002 01:16 PM

For God's sake...Shut up!



Thanks in advance.

Thermopolis 666 12
11/05/2002 02:26 PM

A little boy going to school wanted to play on the football team and asked the coach if he could be on the team. He said well I know that you haven't been getting good grades in math lately, but if you answer this one question right, you can be on the team. What is 2+2? The boy said that's easy, 4. The whole team looked at the little boy and yelled with support, GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE COACH!!!!!

ablutophobic 313 11
11/05/2002 03:19 PM

how does snoop dawg keep his socks white?









bleotch!

psychaholic, for a shiny coat! 4,888 12
11/05/2002 06:34 PM

Bleotch! That's great!. I'm saying it like that from now on.

Ducky 10,666 12
11/08/2002 08:51 PM

I just thought of another oldie..



"A drunk wanders into a podiatrist, mistaking it for a whorehouse. When the doctor enters the exam room, he whips out his schlong. "Hey!" she yelled, "That's not a foot!" "Hey baby," the drunk said, "Let's not quibble over inches."

virnomine 79,379 11
11/08/2002 10:23 PM

So doing a quick run through, it looks like the sandwich joke won?

Dead Robot 67,626 15
11/09/2002 01:45 AM

A string walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Yeah yeah 'fraid not. Get the Frost out of here."

brother bill 1,905 12
11/09/2002 02:07 AM

I don't get it.

Declan McManus 130,657 34
11/09/2002 02:16 AM

The Presidential election of 2000.









</ShelChacks bait>

Agent Spaz: Special Member 3,290 11
11/09/2002 02:20 AM

end threadd now

Werehamster 2,321 12
11/09/2002 12:40 PM

I heard a joke when I was in Boston, but I'm not going to tell it now that I'm here in Albuquerque. That would be carrying a joke too far.

Werehamster 2,321 12
11/09/2002 12:42 PM

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. the bartender says "Is this a joke?"

Eileen 0 0
11/09/2002 07:33 PM

What's the difference between a ferrari and a pile of dead babies?





I don't have a ferrari in my garage.

Spoolie 2,859 12
11/09/2002 08:57 PM

"Did you hear about the movie about pirates.



It was rated 'arrrrgh.'"



Actually, it's "Why couldn't the thirteen year old get into the pirate movie?"



My first thread was something like this. It was based around the fact that the following joke left me in hysterics for TEN STRAIGHT MINUTES:



What do you give a sick canary?



Medicine!



(A friend of mine gave me the real answer-- "Tweetment!", and that made me laugh almost as hard as "Medicine.)



So, sadly enough, this thread is, in my twisted little mind, the funniest thread ever.

Beeblebrox 31,599 13
11/10/2002 07:05 AM

Whats big and green and roams the high seas?



Moby Pickle!

FreakOnIce 399 10
11/10/2002 10:48 AM

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

Large Boat 327 11
11/10/2002 01:53 PM

How do you make a witch itch?





Take away the 'w.'





There's some similar joke about the White House, but I don't remember...

AmyPoo and her black waterbra 2,710 12
11/10/2002 02:04 PM

how do you make a tissue dance?







blow a little boogie in it!

Callie Mollari 14,455 12
11/14/2002 02:17 AM

Just heard this one again today:



A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.



"Oh, my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."



They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.



After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!



"You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"



"No," she replies... you just happened to catch my eye."

Chackens, Morality Inspector 282,028 58
11/14/2002 11:28 AM

monte python's lowest moment:



Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?



A: Dung

Declan McManus, Sweetheart of The Interweb 130,657 34
12/03/2002 08:28 PM

Hear about the blond paint?



not too bright,



but oh does it spread easily!

salvage: Interweb Surfer Extreme 28,986 12
12/04/2002 05:45 PM

What does pimp Santa say?

"Ho Ho Ho"



What does farmer Santa say?

"Hoe Hoe Hoe"



What does Santa say?

Nothing he doesn't exist!

SpecialKake 55,555 14
12/04/2002 06:02 PM

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

General Dan 502 10
12/04/2002 06:48 PM

What do you call a one armed Italian?











An Italian with a speach impediment.

General Dan 502 10
12/04/2002 06:52 PM

What do horses eat? Hay



What do GAY horses eat? Heeeeey.

Lindsey 988 12
12/13/2002 03:20 AM

SpecialKake, my friend Adam had about ten people rolling on the floor with "What's brown and sticky? A stick" one night. It's alll in the delivery.

Phuc 237,453 20
12/14/2002 03:36 PM

A layed-off dot-com cube monkey who's been out of work for, like, 18 months gets his first job offer--as a school bus driver. Not one to put less than 110% into a job, he goes to the bus yard the day before his first day with twenty cans of paint.



He paints Big Bird, Ernie, Bert, Snuffleupagus, The Count, and even Gordon on his bus. He wants those schoolkids to have the funnest ride of their lives.



His first day begins. At the first stop, two enormously fat fourth grade girls get on. Their names, coincidentally, are Patty and Patty. They sit on either side of the bus to keep it from tipping over.



At the next stop, the school retard gets on. His name is Ross. He sits up front and wets himself.



At the next stop, the fifth grade's bad boy gets on: Lester. The first thing Lester does is grab one of the Patty's homework, takes it to the back seat of the bus and copies it. He then removes his shoes and socks and starts flicking scabs off his feet.



The rest of the day is uneventful.



That evening, the man gets together with other laid-off dot.commers at the local PBR dispensing extablishment. They ask him how his first day of work went, to which he replies:



"Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester cheats, picks his bunions on the Sesame Street bus."

The Lady Trixxie 65,014 14
12/14/2002 04:03 PM

Hey Unkie Al, Merry Christmas, can I have a personel Icon ???? I'll suck your Coleridge for one.

virnomine 79,379 11
12/14/2002 09:57 PM

Since we have to quote sources now, I got this from Playboy, just had to share it...



How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?





From a catalog.

Doc 7,105 12
12/14/2002 10:33 PM

I take it no one here read Alice in Wonderland.

Mr.Glass 25,325 11
12/23/2002 04:26 AM

There's a man sitting in a bar. He's obviously very drunk, as he has been drinking there for some time. He's muttering to himself in a corner quietly when a nun walks in. She buys a beer and sits down at the same table as the drunk.



Just then, the drunk gets up and beats the living daylights out of the nun. The bartender runs over screaming at the wino, and helps the nun out of the bar.



The drunkard leans over to a couple sitting next to him and says: "Heh. Batman 'aint so tough."

Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 13
12/12/2003 02:39 PM

How does this thread make the "funniest this month" list?

Livewire 78,229 12
12/12/2003 02:44 PM

December? Bug?

Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 13
12/12/2003 02:46 PM

Ohhh, I found a bug! I'm going to flood Hargarve's inbox! I feel important!

godot 15,434 11
12/12/2003 02:47 PM

Mushroom walks into a bar



Bartender says "We don't server your kind here."



Mushroom says "Why not I'm a fun gi?"

Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,287 14
12/12/2003 02:47 PM

I'm thinking whatever it is that decides funny-of-the-month ignores the year. THIS THREAD IS NOT Y2K COMPLIANT!

godot 15,434 11
12/12/2003 02:47 PM

Black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his head.



Bartender says "Where'd you get it?"



Parrot replies "Africa, there's millions of them."

godot 15,434 11
12/12/2003 02:49 PM

This isn't the worst joke in the world. It's its tribute joke.

TableTopJane 173,911 15
12/12/2003 03:01 PM

What do you call a guy with no legs and no arms trying to ski?















Skip!

uncle monkey 81 9
12/12/2003 06:08 PM

How do you know when your sister is on the rag?











Your dads dick tastes like blood.



Top that! I dare you!

escape from the flying nun 1,412 10
12/13/2003 06:39 PM

In our class there's a new boy named billy. Today, the teacher asked him to draw a picture on the board. So he walked up, grabbed a peice of chalk, and drew a butterfly. The teacher was shocked. "How dare you!", she said. "Go to the office right now!"

So he went to the office, and the principal asked him why he was there. "Well," he said, "the teacher told me to draw a picture on the board and I drew a butterfly."

"How dare you", shouted the principal."Get out of my school!"

So billy walked home. When he got home, his mother asked him why he was there. "Well," he said,"today in class my teacher told me to draw a picture on the blackboard, and i drew a butterfly. So she sent me to the office and the principal sent me here."

"How dare you!", she screamed. "Get out of my house!"

So Billy left and started wandering around town, and a bum asked him why he was here. "Well, I drew a butterfly on the board, so the teacher sent me to the office, and the principal sent me home, and my mom kicked me out of the house."

"How dare you!", said the bum."Get off of my side of the street!"

So billy crossed the road, got hit by a bus and died. Now what's the moral of this story?

















































































Look both ways before you cross the street.

mgross 359 0
12/27/2003 02:35 PM

The narrator is looking for the missing table of contents.

















































The table of contents was it fell and crushed everyone.

HighSoci 28,968 16
12/27/2003 02:41 PM

Top that! I dare you!





How can you tell when unclemonkey's sister is on the rag??





His brother said his dad's dick tastes like blood.







There... consider it topped.

Hollis 7,280 14
12/27/2003 10:24 PM

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?



Because he was dead!





Why did he die?



Because he fell out of the tree!

Gopher 570 10
12/28/2003 07:44 AM

2 turds walk down the street when they run into diarrhea.

Diarrhea asks what they are going to do.

"Well" said the first turd, "we're going to rob a bank."



"Can I join" asks diarrhea.



"No" says the other turd.



"Why not?"



You have to be hard.

Gopher 570 10
12/28/2003 07:51 AM

2 dicks walk into a ciname complex.



One says to the other

"Let's watch an x-rated movie"



The other replies

"They're always sold out, there won't be a seat left"



The first one answers

"That's ok, I don't mind standing up"

"That's ok

Briham 38,843 9
04/19/2004 07:05 PM

I'm driving down the street one day when I see ambulance drive past. It stops at a stopsign and then accelerates so fast, the backdoors fly open and a orange bag falls out. I try honking my horn to get them to turn back but it's too late. So I go over to the orange bag and I open it up. Inside are ten human toes. So I called a tow truck. (toe truck, get it?)

Taken 270 8
04/19/2004 07:08 PM

Why did the robot eat a neon light?













He wanted a light lunch!!!

God, that is so Frost-ing hilarious.

TableTopJane 173,911 15
04/19/2004 07:39 PM

Juan, Manuel, Miguel, and Jose are traveling across Texas. Who's driving?





















Immigration.

Toastfucker 74 8
04/19/2004 08:42 PM

how do you make a kid with downs syndrome commit suicide?







Hand him a steak knive and ask him who's special..

SAVIORA 666 9
04/19/2004 08:43 PM

Nihonjin 1: "Fuji-sama wa totemo takai desu ne!"



(Translation: Mt. Fuji is very high, isn't it?)



Nihonjin 2: "Hai!"



(read: "high")

Flying Hippo of- AGGHHH! 1,246 10
04/19/2004 08:59 PM

How do you know an asians been in your house?







all your computer games are clocked, the cats in the microwave and hes still trying to back out of the driveway!!!

Taken 270 8
04/20/2004 06:56 PM

Why did the skeleton cross the road?







He had a boner.

Taken 270 8
04/20/2004 07:09 PM

Okay here's the deal. I Frosted up the last joke, so you bastards are just going to read the fixed version and forget about the Frosted up one.



Here it is...Why did the skeleton go to the whore house?





He had a boner!!!!

NukulerWeaponJane-I drive a jagwyer 173,911 15
04/20/2004 07:11 PM

Worst joke ever? This guy.

Taken 270 8
04/20/2004 07:14 PM

I got another...



Why is the space between a woman's tits and hips called a waist?







Because another pair of tits could easily fit there.

ringworm 68,315 13
04/20/2004 07:16 PM

This guy.



he's no claude akins, but what a butt.

Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 9
04/20/2004 07:17 PM

<action>feels good knowing he knew about the tron guy a week ago...</action>



Look, Elvis!

NukulerWeaponJane-I drive a jagwyer 173,911 15
04/20/2004 07:19 PM

You may have known about it, but you didn't post it. You lose any cool points you may have had for knowing about it early. If you really knew about it, that is. And maybe I knew about it, too. Maybe I just couldn't find a place to post the link. Maybe I didn't want to start a thread just because I had something pointless to say, like some people. Nyah.

Taken 270 8
04/20/2004 07:20 PM

Last one...



Russel Crowe and the Pope died on the same day. Due to a computer glitch, the Pope went to hell and Russel went to heaven. Within 24 hours an angels noticed the error.



While on the way to the proper places, the Pope and Russel passed eachother. The pope said, "I'm so excited, Russell. I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."

Russell replied, "Sorry pops, you're a day late."

Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 9
04/20/2004 07:21 PM

Actually, it was your advice to stop starting threads that kept me from posting it.



BTW - I still have 'detachable penis' stuck in my head because of you...

NukulerWeaponJane-I drive a jagwyer 173,911 15
04/20/2004 07:27 PM

Boobie, if you're going to play with a detachable penis, I'm thinking your head is not the best place to put it. I'm sure you could find a better hole in your body for it.

Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 9
04/20/2004 07:29 PM

Actually, it looks quite fetching on my forhead...

Taken 270 8
04/20/2004 07:57 PM

What's the difference between a walmart bag and Michael Jackson?











One molests kids.

ringworm 68,315 13
04/20/2004 08:02 PM

what do they have in common?



neither should be used in cribs, beds, carriages or playpens.

Taken 270 8
04/20/2004 08:04 PM

What's the difference between sex when you're single and sex when you're married?









Huh, what? Sex when you're married?

Crayon_Eater 110 8
04/20/2004 09:10 PM

Knock Knock.

Whos there?

Bananna.

Bannana Who?



Knock Knock.

Whos there?

Bananna.

Bannana Who?



Knock Knock.

Whos there?

Bananna.

Bannana Who?



Knock Knock.

Whos there?

Orange.

Orange Who?

Orange you glad I didn't say bannana.

Crayon_Eater 110 8
04/20/2004 09:14 PM

kinda long, but pretty Frost-ing funny

Tom Brokaw and the Cork Soakers 2,131 9
04/20/2004 10:09 PM

Worst Joke Ever Contest Crayon Eater, my advice to you is to read the thread names.

Tom Brokaw and the Cork Soakers 2,131 9
04/20/2004 10:13 PM

Cause that was funny

Lobster 653 8
04/20/2004 10:32 PM

So there are two bagels in the toaster and one says "Is it just me or is it getting hot in here" the other says "Oh my god! A talking muffin!"

Lobster 653 8
04/20/2004 10:32 PM

I am a Frost-ing moron.

Lobster 653 8
04/20/2004 10:38 PM

Ooh! Here's another really bad one: what do you say to a black jew? "Go to the back of the oven"

Taken 270 8
04/20/2004 11:24 PM

Check this Shakespeare out.....



Yo' mamma's soo fat, she look like an umbrella on labor day.

Taken 270 8
04/20/2004 11:26 PM

Here is the worst joke ever!!!!

CLICK

Crayon_Eater 110 8
04/21/2004 12:25 AM

So there is a mexican, black, and white man are walking down the beach and stumble across a magic lamp, and out comes a genie.



The genie tells them they have one wish a piece.



Asking the mexican, what is your wish?



I would like all of us mexicans to go back to Mexico and we all be happy. Very well the genie says, your wish is granted. And all the mexicans vanish and are back in Mexico.



Then he asks the black man, what is your wish?



I would like all of us African Americans to go back to Africa and we all be happy. Very well the genie says, your wish is granted. And all the blacks vanish and are all back in Africa



Then the genie turns to the white man, what is your wish?



He says, you mean to tell me all the blacks and mexicans are out of America.



Yes, the genie replies.



Well, I'll have a coke then.

Crayon_Eater 110 8
04/21/2004 12:26 AM

I just noticed writing that joke, that you can say Cracker and Spik, but not Ogden Nash.



Jeff, you racist bastard.

something clever 386 9
04/21/2004 12:32 AM

whats green and has wheels?





grass (i lied about the wheels)

Crayon_Eater 110 8
04/21/2004 12:37 AM

Whats brown and sticky?





A stick

Drenius 10 8
04/21/2004 10:48 AM

One time, at band camp....

Drenius 10 8
04/21/2004 10:49 AM

"I see!" Said the blind man to his deaf wife.

rickjames 458 8
04/21/2004 10:52 AM

When he picked up the hammer and saw.

Lobster 653 8
04/22/2004 01:11 AM

What's brown and sounds like a bell?



Dung!

Mr_PeaCH 253 8
04/22/2004 01:21 AM

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?







Because they're ugly and they stink.

Taken 270 8
04/22/2004 01:22 AM

Wow! That joke really did suck!

something clever 386 9
04/22/2004 01:23 AM

What's warm yellow and tastes like cheese?



I don't know but I hope its warm cheese.

Sexual Harassment Panda 270 8
04/22/2004 01:50 AM

What's warm, yellow and tastes like cheese?



Something that turns me the hell on.

Mr.Glass: The World's First Smartmonaut 25,325 11
04/22/2004 02:12 AM

That's what she said!

KatsMeow 2,401 9
04/22/2004 10:55 AM

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs standing on your doorstep?



Matt

KatsMeow 2,401 9
04/22/2004 10:56 AM

What do you call a man with no arm and no legs in a pool



Bob

KChiki - The UNIVERSE's sexiest N00b! 124,281 89
04/22/2004 11:01 AM

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?



Art.

DeadMike 3,390 9
04/22/2004 11:06 AM

eye doc tells a chinese woman she has a cataract. she says no doctor, i drive rincorn town car.

ringworm 68,315 13
04/22/2004 11:38 AM

a man with no arms and no legs standing on your doorstep



how does a man w/ no legs stand on anything?

MrPeg 260 9
04/22/2004 11:45 AM

A priest, a midget, a nun and an irish-man all walk into a bar. They go up to the barman who sayas to them...







"Is this a joke?"

Admiral Obvious 1,412 10
04/22/2004 12:25 PM

What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?









They both have boys pants half off.

WillyD 8 8
04/22/2004 01:17 PM

Why do witches wear underwear?















Grip

KChiki - The UNIVERSE's sexiest N00b! 124,281 89
04/22/2004 01:27 PM

Nuh uh! Labia grip much bet...I mean....nevermind.

WillyD 8 8
04/22/2004 01:29 PM

One day a man and his monkey were walking downtown. It was a real warm day so he decided to get a beer.

He walks into the bar and sits down.

The bartender looks over tells the man to get the monkey out of the bar.

The fellow pleaded with him and told him the monkey was well behaved so the bartender gave him a beer.

While the man takes a drink the monkey races down the bar and eats a pickled egg.

The Bartender sees this tells the man he has to pay for the egg and asks him to leave. Since it is such a hotday the man begs to finish his beer and promises to control the monkey.

As soon as he starts drinking his beer the monkey runs down the bar jumps onto the pool table and eats the cue ball.

The bartender freaks, makes the man pay, and promptly kicks him out telling him no to return.

About a month later the man comes back with the monkey looking to get a drink. The bartender tells him to leave but the man explains to him that he is now trained and won't eat anything.

The man gets his beer and just as he starts to drink it the monkey races down the bar grabs an olive shoves it up his ass than eats it.

The bartender sees this and is curious, he asks the man "Whats wrong with your monkey?"

The man looks at him and says "Well ever since he ate that cue ball he makes sure everything will fit!"



HaHa

Sorry about it being so long

DeadMike 3,390 9
04/22/2004 01:45 PM

a bartender buys a trained gorilla that will do anything if you give it a cigar. he gives it a cigar everytime he wants it to throw out a drink. a redneck comes in and gets surly, so the barkeep has the gorilla toss him out on his ass. the redneck picks up his cowboy hat and says, "ya give 'em darkies a fur coat and a cigar, they think they own the world."