Drown the Clown
A comedy article
by Mr. Gardenback  8,660  11
01/09/2003 10:39 PM 336 views
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Note: The following is the true story of my horrific experience last summer at the Pittsylvania County Fair in Virginia. All names have been changed.
The six of us saw him almost immediately. He was sitting in a small cage, suspended over a huge barrel of rancid water. DROWN THE CLOWN proclaimed the huge hand-painted sign above his head.
Our group stopped dead in its tracks as the clown began to laugh. It was a dark, sinister, microphone-assisted laugh that boomed through the fairground, and whether or not anyone else noticed, I could tell he was looking at me as he laughed. A clown can smell the fear and hatred of a person such as myself. A psychologist might call me a coulraphobe. I call myself a sensible human being.
"You've got to do that," Milton said excitedly. He looked like a poodle on the verge of pissing itself. "You've got to dunk the clown."
"Not a chance in Hell," I replied. I had seen how these things work. You pay two dollars, throw three balls at the dunk button, and usually miss every time, because the carnies have rigged the whole thing. The guy you're trying to dunk then humiliates you by criticizing your girlish throwing procedure and generally emasculating you in public. I had no time for that sort of mockery, much less from some lice-infested carny clown.
"I'll pay," Milton said, and I pondered the situation further. An idea came to mind.
"All right," I said at last, "I'll consider it. But here's the deal: I'm only going to do it right before we leave, because if I miss the button every time, I'm going to jump the table and hit the button with my own bare hands."
Everyone laughed. Milton told me he'd give me three bucks if I jumped the table. Being a whore, I agreed.
I had ten tickets left at that point that I had to get rid of. I split them up; Barnaby, Admiral, and myself went on the haunted house ride. Milton, MacReady, and Smith, who realized early on that the entire fair was nothing more than a flashing multi-colored screwjob, stayed behind.
After the haunted house, I felt awful. The air was stale and nauseating, and I hadn't had anything to eat in roughly twelve hours. The last bit of glucose in my brain was about to burn up, but I had made a promise to my friends. Much like Jesus, I was willing to sacrifice myself for the better good of the people. Milton pressed two dollars into my hand. He was shaking with hysterical glee. I dipped my head stoically and approached the booth.
I would like to reiterate at this point that I hate clowns. They are not funny, they are extremely irritating, and they terrify children. Contrary to popular belief, I have never, EVER seen a child who did not immediately react to the sight of a clown with shrieking horror. This is because children have what scientists call a Self-Preservation Mechanism. Namely, they can, to some degree, sense how likely it is that a person will drag them into a '77 Ford LTD II and molest them. Clowns set off every warning bell for children. They are the ultimate Mysterious Stranger. I knew this as I approached the booth, unable to look up at the freak suspended over the barrel as he screamed about how dry he was. I was about to Drown the Clown not just for my friends, but also for the precious, trusting souls of children across America.
I paid the carny running the booth two dollars, and he gave me three softballs. I nodded to him, and he returned the gesture, his cigarette bobbing in the wind. He recognized what I was doing. He could sense a hero. I stepped up to the waist-high table and took my stance. I concentrated on the dunk button. I was ready to send the beast back to Hell, when I heard a loud, echoing voice.
"HEY BEN!" the clown bellowed. "WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME? DOVER?!?"
My mouth dropped. The clown knew my name. At first I merely assumed he was using his Satanic powers, and then the truth hit me like a tube-sock full of dimes. I spun around to see my friends laughing hysterically, Milton most of all. The bastard had sold me out, violated me in the worst possible way. He had told the clown my name.
I looked back to the dunk button, fury building like a capped geyser. "I'll get you, you evil Froster," I rasped, and threw the first ball. It missed. The clown was laughing, saying incomprehensible things I was in no state to understand. I threw the second ball. It passed one centimeter from the button. Now everyone was laughing and hooting hysterically at the sight before them. I threw the third ball. I tore something in my right arm on the last one, but still the ball missed.
I was enraged at that point, crazier than a rabid badger and ready to kill. I did precisely what I had said I would do but what nobody actually thought I would have the balls to do: I jumped the table. It was a clumsy, ungraceful jump, and I nearly lost a boot, but I cleared the table and hit the ground running. "Hey, buddy," the head carny yelled softly. He made no effort to stop me. I like to believe he was proud of me.
After what seemed like an eternity, I had reached the button. I punched it with all my strength, my starved body powered by the image of hundreds, nay, millions of smiling children worldwide, all singing and chanting as I, the Beowulf to the clown's Grendel, destroyed the monster that tormented them so.
The plank the clown was sitting on fell into the water. The clown did not. The seat was rigged.
I turned around just as the clown kicked a bucketful of filthy, syphilitic water into my hair. I had drawn a crowd of onlookers, many of whom no doubt thought that this was all part of some strange show. "Look honey!" they no doubt said, "The clown just kicked his pisswater into some dude's hair! Good thing he's a paid actor, 'cause if that happened to me, I'd probably strangle myself with a garden hose!"
As I confusedly stumbled back to the table, clown laughing hysterically at my back, I noticed the laughing police officer who had been watching the entire thing. I don't know if it was his presence or the dead look in my eyes, but Milton and MacReady bolted. I crawled back over the table, and with the last of my waning power, I looked back and bellowed my immortal battle cry.
"I'LL GET YOU, CLOWN!"
And I fully plan to, if time, alcohol, and crank don't do the job for me.
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Side-splitting
47 votes
5.0
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29 Comments on "Drown the Clown"
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Trae (please return me to my upright position) 156,785  17
01/17/2003 03:37 PM
That.... was awesome. As a fellow clown hater I can only imagine your humiliation. This story just reiterates my stance: Clowns.Are.Evil.
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Mr. Gardenback 8,660 11
01/17/2003 04:04 PM
I thought you might appreciate this one, Trae. On the plus side, after that horrific experience, I no longer fear clowns. Now I just hate them with every fiber of my being.
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I'm Leppy, and I'm a GABaholic. 12,056 12
01/20/2003 05:00 AM
Every person ever has gone up and pushed the thing at some point or another when they missed.
He knew you were coming and just slid back so he wouldn't fall.
Dumbass. At least you got paid.
Oh, and great names for your friends.
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Crabs for a Twenty 32 10
02/06/2003 01:39 AM
They are the ultimate Mysterious Stranger.
Precisely why some kids love them. God, Mr. Clown, get me out of here, lead me to your circus, take me away from my crippling poverty and alcholic father/lover, etc.
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Feeble, Knight of the Old Code 32,400 15
02/06/2003 09:10 AM
The Clown Army has you marked. Pennywise is coming for YOU!
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PsychoCowboy 341 11
02/06/2003 10:19 AM
Clown's are the bastard spawn of satan. I hate them nearly as much as I hate mimes.
The United States being the only so called civilized country left in the world that still has capital punishment should stop frying tards and start boiling clowns and mimes in thier own greasepaint.
Sorry if I got rabid foam on anyone.
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salvage McBitch Bitch 28,986 12
03/06/2003 07:51 PM
Sir I laughed until pink dots.
I Shakespeare you not... pink dots.
I would take a bullet for you.
A small rubber one, not pointy, and not fired more throw or tossed well you get the idea.
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Jerry Garcia's Left Testicle 11,939 13
03/06/2003 11:30 PM
adjusts art fag glasses
I must say I throughly enjoyed the Christ symbolism you used in this article. Brilliant! You being the Christ figure and your friend Milton as Judas!
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Trae, Mistress of the Webinet 156,785 17
06/20/2003 05:40 PM
<action> runs around room screaming, hits wall, pees on self, faints.
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Frogpop 173,148 25
06/20/2003 06:08 PM
<action>gropes Trae in any available pee-free zones</action>
still an apprentice Gabber, but I've learned to take the opportunities as they come.
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Araknyd 173 10
06/20/2003 06:25 PM
<action>takes numerous pictures of said event</action>
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Oedipa Schmedipa 650 11
06/20/2003 06:58 PM
I don't think they're funny, either. That's why I warned you. Scary clowns ahead, clown haters beware! This means you, Trae!
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Grand Pubah 56,744 18
06/20/2003 07:48 PM
Masterful, Mr. Gardenback
The standard all of us un-funny n00bs should strive to meet.
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Kaj 70 10
06/20/2003 07:58 PM
I think your first mistake was going to a county fair anywhere near Danville.
I used to live outside of Rocky Mount...I'd be more afraid of the locals than the clowns, I think.
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Lintlizard 4 9
06/20/2003 09:59 PM
One of the things on my "Things to do before the government gets me" list is organize a public lynching and/or burning at the stake of several clowns.
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Virnomine the Effluent 79,386 11
06/20/2003 10:06 PM
no don't do that, it would smell funny...hahaha, get it?
Man I hate myself for posting that, good thing I can't get negaclicks in this thread.
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Mookie Sporklove on Wheels 17,582 13
08/05/2003 01:54 AM
If you are scared, say you are scared.
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ringworm 68,315 13
08/05/2003 02:41 AM
To whom wich are children.
that's not a sentence.
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Tallsup 202 9
08/05/2003 03:01 AM
My favorite clown, the incredible....John Wayne Gayce
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Bunny the Chicken Hawk 5,695 11
08/05/2003 03:02 AM
Awwww... did you two have special times together?
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Frogpop 173,148 25
08/05/2003 03:04 AM
?e?
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Tallsup 202 9
08/05/2003 03:12 AM
Nope just admired his work, like all the great ones...Bundy, Dahmer, Jack the Ripper, Son of Sam, The Night Stalker.....Etc.
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Trixxie 65,021 15
08/05/2003 12:04 PM
bump
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Trae 156,785 17
08/05/2003 12:08 PM
<action> humps a clown, then stabs him dead.
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rudeclown2001 0 9
08/21/2003 07:17 PM
Go to "Drown the Damn Clown.com".
I F'N LOVE IT!!!!!!!
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