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Jasmine was a short (5'2), well-built knockout. Long dark hair, deep green eyes, curvy hips, heart-shaped ass, and a perfect rack (not so small as to belittle her age at the time, nor large enough to draw excessive attention from other males). Jasmine, with whom I had a brief but passionate fling for roughly three months back in high school before she got locked up, gave me the greatest date ever.
She told me she was partaking in a ceremony at her parents' church one evening, after we'd been seeing each other for not even a week, and if I came to the evening service, and behaved, and kept a straight face, and said nothing derogatory, she'd put out. Of course, like any teenage male, I arrived a good ten minutes before the service began, and couldn't find her anywhere. Went outside, smoked, went back in, grabbed a seat in a pew up front. Having never met her parents, and only having a general idea of what they looked like, and what her father sounded like, I figured I'd sit near some of the miscreants I sold drugs too, and attempt to behave. Not too friendly with them, of course, but casual enough if she asked about my behavior, they'd know I was there, and could tell her I was good.
Well, I sat there for thirty minutes, looking over the program, and never saw her name, and hoped she was intending to sing in the song coming up afterward, as I was beginning to wonder if she hadn't just sent me to some random church to see how whipped I was.
As I watch one little preppie Frosttard after another being dunked because mommy and daddy told them it makes them a better person, and wondering when Jasmine was going to sing (which I'd determined must be the idea, the silly bitch was forever singing Shakespeare), I proceed to lose control over my facial muscles as I saw that Jasmine was being led into the baptismal pool!
"You've got to be kidding me!" I thought to myself. "This sexy beast can't be getting baptized. She could be the one, I tell you, no way I wouldn't have picked up on her being this easily brainwashed [apologies to the religous Frosts], she was too quick, she'd not fall for the invisible man BS!" Then the whole 'sex afterward' thing crossed my mind. "Could she have been toying with me?" I pondered. "Did she perhaps know I couldn't sit idly by, with all the anti-organized-religious sentiment I spout? Was this some Xian noob's idea of a joke? Do cruelty unto others, and I will return it tenfold, wench!" I thought to myself as she was brought back up to breathe.
It was then that I proceeded to giggle like a school girl. See, my lovely Jasmine was wearing only one article of clothing under that lovely white robe. That one item was a humongous strap-on with the head taped maybe 3 inches short of her breasts. It had to be at least a foot or more in length, and at least 3-5 inches wide. She stood up, faced the pews of wide-eyed old people and proceeded to jump up and down in the pool and yell. "Hell yeah, go god! Cross-Siiiyyyyde!!!!!!"
I believe that was the first time I've ever pissed myself in public. Seems she'd planned the whole thing since before I'd started talking to her. My sneaky-ass brother had set the idea up, knowing it'd kill me. She put out anyway, and my brother, well, he was hiding in the balcony with a camera set up on a tripod. I think I'll go watch it again now.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
17 votes
4.3
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9 Comments on "Religious Misgivings"
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John Hargrave 128,742  73
02/19/2003 01:47 PM
Funny. Not convinced it's true, but it's funny.
Strangely, I had a similar experience when I was travelling as a missionary in Denmark (not making this up): this church had an enormous baptismal pool at the front, more like a swimming pool, where they brought teenagers and young adults for the full immersion treatment. I was a music missionary, so I was playing in the band, to the side of the pool. As they brought the teenage girls to the pool and dunked them in, one by one, I realized from my unique vantage point that not only were the girls wearing long white robes, but they were not wearing anything underneath.
I will always think of that event as God's Wet T-Shirt Contest.
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Marilyn 12,471 13
02/19/2003 01:52 PM
Gotta love Europe.
I mean the metric system.
Actually, I don't know what I mean.
I gave your story a nega-click because it's pointlessly sacreligeous, and like John, I don't believe a word of it.
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Dr. Virnomine 79,386 11
02/19/2003 02:21 PM
Well I had to click it to right the universe since Trixx and Marilyn were agreeing.
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Chickens McCluck Cluck 286,208 61
02/19/2003 02:25 PM
You must prove by posting a pic from the vid to get clickies.
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Trae - Pixel Perfect! 156,785 17
02/19/2003 02:35 PM
I clickity clicked you not only because I want that strap on, but because of the "Cross-syyyyyde" comment.
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Sleestack 30,342 13
02/19/2003 05:48 PM
So... she's burning in hell now, right?
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Alpha Maelstrom (click name for disclaimer) 5,097 15
02/19/2003 09:18 PM
My brother sells the tapes for ten bucks a piece, submit addresses via email.
And for the love of god, I wish I was making up the "cross-side" Shakespeare.
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Chickens McCluck Cluck 286,208 61
02/20/2003 04:47 AM
We don't want tapes, just a pic or two from the vid to lower the bullShakespeare level in here.
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