Battlefield Earth an enema of rusty nails
A comedy article
by salvage of the Elite  28,986  12
03/15/2003 01:02 PM 217 views
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I got the pass at my local comic book shop. It's funny, I spend maybe 50 dollars a year at this shop, but for some reason the manager treats me like I'm his number one customer, always giving me free passes and such. I think it's because he recognizes the latent signs of fanboy geekdom, and is trying to draw me fully over to the Dork Side of The Force.
The passes were to see the movie "Battlefield Earth." I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go: it was free, we were broke, so what the hell? Worst-case, we figured we could MST3K it until they threw us out. We knew it was going to be a bad movie, but how bad? We were innocent of the badness that awaited us. We were lambs to a slaughter and indeed we went silently.
It turned out that this was the opening night, and the showing had local radio sponsorship and a few of the cast members on hand. This was sort of its Hollywood North premiere; the movie itself would not be out for another two weeks. The cast members stood up and introduced themselves. We turned and listened. See, we were sitting right in front of them. You should learn this important lesson: always have an escape route. Life is always fight or flight, and I'm a flighter. When there's a confrontation, where am I? Flighting the Frost out of there. I'm a flighter and a flover. But I digress. The point is, always have an escape route, whether it be a Great White show, or a movie premiere, or Thanksgiving Dinner after your younger brother comes back from Sweden after his ... excuse me, her operation.
So the movie started, and it was bad. Oh so very, very, very, very ... okay, stars in the universe? That's how many times you must say very to understand the badness of this film. You know the liquid you find in forgotten Tupperware from that very, very awkward and painful Thanksgiving? How it smells and looks? A piece of fresh cheesecake compared to what Battlefield Earth is cinematically.
Oh, and the special effects. The aliens were wearing gloves, and there were scenes where aliens handed things to each other, I remember these rather pedestrian scenes because they looked as awkward as walking in on your fiance and your former little brother at the next Thanksgiving. Ever try to pick up a quarter while wearing ski gloves? Then you have an idea of what these scenes were like.
So this movie was bad, and the people who worked on it were right behind us. We looked at each other; we were trapped. We could MST3K it, but what if they heard? Then halfway through, our prayer was answered. God looked upon our plight, then reached down and pulled the fire alarm at the mall. Of course in this case God took the form of a skinny hiphop-type punk whose plan had been to pull the alarm and loot during the evacuation, not realizing that modern malls have cameras all over the place. Later, they grabbed him and asked him why he pulled it. He told them he had seen a fire. They asked "Where?" and he said he couldn't remember. That's the level of criminal we get 'round these parts.
So we got to the top of the aisle and they sounded the all-clear. It was like being strapped to the electric chair, the phone ringing, the warden smiling and saying "Right away Governor! Yes sir, of course we'll tell him! Just in time indeed!" and then hanging up and saying "Governor Bush says y'all gonna fry and he's real happy about that. Gahahahaha! Garhahhahah!"
We all marched back, as if someone had left Schindler's List in the rain and the names had run off. That's when I noticed. Son of a bitch! There were fewer people than when it started! In fact, the place had formerly been packed, and now I estimated about 37% of the audience had bolted like Jesse Owens at a Klan rally.
So we sat and watched the rest of this truly wretched film. And we would hear, every seven or eight minutes, a shush-shush sound as people got up, whispering "'scuse me ... 'scuse me..." Then there'd be a flash of light from the lobby, that Valhalla, that Mecca of escape, signaling that another person was breathing the sweet air of freedom.
By the end of the film, everyone behind the actors were gone except for a bizarre-looking fat man wearing a hat that looked suspiciously like an old metal bucket cut into a hockey helmet. He gave an aura of medicated imbalance, and he stayed well into the credits, eventually seeking autographs.
We slunk out, not wanting to make eye contact. I did not know the actors, but you could feel the dirty secret between us -- as if we all knew not only where the body of the hooker was buried, but how many pieces it was in.
So much pain and suffering for so little.
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Side-splitting
21 votes
5.0
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25 Comments on "Battlefield Earth an enema of rusty nails"
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John Hargrave 128,742  73
04/03/2003 01:41 PM
Wasn't Battlefield Earth ranked "Worst Movie of the Year" by the Razzie Awards?
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salvage of the Elite 28,986 12
04/03/2003 01:49 PM
Praise from Caeser...
Maybe I'll get on some Interweb radio show.
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SheCabbage 5,200 13
04/03/2003 01:56 PM
Why didn't you just sit behind them when you came back?
Or, better, why didn't you just leave when the fire alarm was pulled?
That was an awful, awful movie. Worse than Pitch Black and Red Planet combined, and I didn't think that was possible.
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salvage of the Elite 28,986 12
04/03/2003 02:01 PM
SheCab you have to be Canadian to get the whys, politeness is not just a stereotype, it's ingrained, we went back cuz everyone else did and we sat in the same seat cuz it's rude not to sit in the seat you started in. We're sort of Borg like when it comes to social niceties.
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Therlin 12,200 13
04/03/2003 02:02 PM
I feel sorry for the "stars" of this film. I wonder how many times they had to sit through it.
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SheCabbage 5,200 13
04/03/2003 02:05 PM
I come from a pretty polite place, but I would in no way feel obligated to return to the exact same seats I had just vacated were a fire alarm pulled.
Usually it takes at least ten minutes to reorganize after a fire alarm, that's plenty of time to say, "Oh, gee, looks like the movie's over. We'll go home now."
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Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
04/03/2003 02:06 PM
Battlefield Earth... why? Why didn't Travolta just stop after Pulp Fiction, when people liked him again?
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salvage of the Elite 28,986 12
04/03/2003 02:08 PM
SheCab you don't know polite, a Canadian gets shot we return the bullet with a note saying "Sorry it's still a bit bloody."
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Therlin 12,200 13
04/03/2003 02:08 PM
It sounds like She is one of those who ruins the sitting set up for everyone when she doesn't return to her previous seat.
I'm with salvage here.
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Maynard NLI 3,203 10
04/03/2003 02:10 PM
One time in Calgary I got yelled at for jaywalking.
I looked both ways down the street, saw nothign but the foothills of the rockies and a few cows for miles around, and crossed.
Some woman, a local, screamed "Can't you people wait for the light? That's illegal, you know!!!"
I'm not sure if that was very polite.
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SheCabbage 5,200 13
04/03/2003 02:12 PM
Can screw up a seating arrangement when there are less than half of the original people there.
I just wouldn't have gone back at all. Not impolite, better then pretending and getting the actors' hopes up that someone, SOMEONE out there actually liked their film, giving them a warm and fuzzy feeling of self-worth and accomplishment, then months later come across a nasty message on a random message board and realize they were lying! They didn't like the movie at all! Then jumping off a bridge, in tears.
What a heartless bastard.
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Therlin 12,200 13
04/03/2003 02:14 PM
What if you were seating on my seat? The one I wanted to return to?
People suck!
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SheCabbage 5,200 13
04/03/2003 02:20 PM
I would wait until everyone else was seated, or else I wouldn't be there at all!
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El Volante 10,315 10
04/03/2003 03:31 PM
Salvage, that was awesome. You can claim my kick azz photoshops if I can steal that Schindler's list line as my own.
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salvage of the Elite 28,986 12
04/03/2003 03:33 PM
All yours baby!
I've tried holocaust stuff live and it's fallen flatter than Squeamish's back pocket.
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El Volante 10,315 10
04/03/2003 03:38 PM
That's okay, cause i'll let you in on a little secret. (my photoshop skills suck... don't tell anyone. shhhhhhhhhhhh)
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salvage of the Elite 28,986 12
04/03/2003 03:44 PM
Vol, I teach Photoshop I work with Photoshop I breath Photoshop and while some may say you lack technical and theoretical skills you have a heart of Adobe. Come to Ottawa and I will teach you to fulfill your potential.
No, not really, I'd steal your credit cards and bury your carcass under the floor.
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dinesh 24,862 16
04/03/2003 03:48 PM
but politely.
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Trumpet the Insult Badger 1,677 10
04/03/2003 04:20 PM
Hey Shecabbage, I understand that Pitch Black isn't everyone's cup of tea, but for being a low budget movie filled with no name actors, they executed it very well. I'd have to say you disliked the movie because you are ugly.
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dinesh 24,862 16
04/03/2003 04:22 PM
for the record, i was quite fond of pitch black, weird alien ending notwithstanding. i likely the blue-shifted lighting i guess.
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salvage of the Elite 28,986 12
04/03/2003 04:25 PM
I liked pitch black too, it had that no name Van Disel guy in it... wonder what he's doing now?
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Trumpet the Insult Badger 1,677 10
04/03/2003 06:35 PM
He was a no-name at the time. The only previous movie roles he had were in a few unknown movies, a cameo in Saving Private Ryan, and the voice of the Iron Giant. Not exactly a big named actor. Pitch Black basically made Vin Diesel. BTW, it turns out they're making a sequal called 'Riddick'.
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El Volante 10,315 10
04/03/2003 06:38 PM
<action>gets his nerd on.</action>
Cronicles of Riddick, and it will kick ASS. It's actually a prequel and will surely involve lots of ass kicking in the dark back in the slam before he got out and was on the planet where the little Islamic kids were dropping like flies.
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Marty McFly 19,242 12
04/03/2003 06:45 PM
Vin Diesel did the voice of the Iron Giant?
Damn, news to me.
Good flick, by the way.
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salvage of the Elite 28,986 12
04/03/2003 07:42 PM
Iron Giant blew me away, shame they Frosted up the marketing and no one ever saw it.
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