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Most people can't stand the telemarketers, especially when they call just as you're sitting down for dinner. I, on the other hand, enjoy when they call, as it is a license to do and say almost anything at their expense. The other night, my bank called and asked if I wanted to take a survey. Here is a partial transcript:
Surveyor: Good evening sir, how are you?
Me: I'm so wonderful I could burst into song at any moment. And how are you this evening?
Surveyor: I'm, uh, I'm good sir, I'm calling on behalf of Global National Bank. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind answering a few questions.
Me: Do I get a free hot dog?
Surveyor: Uh, no, I don't think so.
Me: Could you check please, because when I opened my account they were having this barbecue outside the bank, and I missed my free hot dog opportunity then.
Surveyor: Sir, I'm pretty sure there aren't any free hot dogs.
Me: How about a free pretzel, then? They package well in those little envelopes with the bubble wrap built right in.
Surveyor: Sir, just a few questions please.
Me: Wow, you certainly are forceful! I bet you like to be on top. OK, make with the questions.
Surveyor: Between 1 and 5, 5 being the highest, how would you rate the service at our bank?
Me: How come you have nothing lower than 1? I mean, zero is worse than 1, how come zero isn't an option?
Surveyor: Uh, sir, all I have is 1-5.
Me: I'd have to say 1.5 then. Better than worst, but not quite a 2.
He then asked me various questions about their services, to which I made more silly and useless replies, until the final question in that category.
Surveyor: Overall, how would you rate the service at the bank?
Me: Oh, a definite 5.
Then he started asking personal questions about my account, and some of them sounded a little too specific, so I gave him the runaround.
Surveyor: Thank you for your time, sir. Could I just confirm your name and address?
Me: Do I need my attorney present?
Surveyor: No, I don't think so, I just want to confirm your name...
Me: I'm sorry, that information is classified. Do you have access?
Surveyor: What access?
Me: Well, you obviously don't have access, so I can't give you any information, can I?
Surveyor: Uh, sir, it says here that your name is ****** ********
Me: Well, my caller ID tells me you are calling from ***-***-****, so maybe you can tell me your name, so that I can confirm it with the police.
Surveyor: *click*
Another telephone survey successfully completed!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
105 votes
5.0
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13 Comments on "Telemarketing/Surveys = Fun Fun Fun"
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Virnomine the Effluent 79,386  11
06/19/2003 12:33 PM
He's only doing his job Emerson, he needs to eat too, telemarketers are people too. They have feelings and...oh Frost it, job well done!
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John Hargrave 128,746 73
06/19/2003 12:38 PM
Yes, very funny. I have given your article the coveted ZUG homepage position for the day!
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Aphrodite 2,261 13
06/19/2003 12:40 PM
I am a telemarketer. That was classic. If people would do funny Shakespeare like that to me my day would go a lot faster.
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Mythology: Your trusted No Name Brand 4,891 11
06/19/2003 12:43 PM
WoooHooo, off the back page, to the front page !! I would like to thank John for all his hard word (snicker) I would really like to thank Trae for her "support" and gentle "encouragement", I would like to thank all Gabbers who unlurk themselves (you know who you are), and I would like the thank the Army General, who told me, "You think you are funny, wiseass, I have turds funnier than you" and sent me to Zug to research them.
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Beeblebrox 31,599 13
06/20/2003 04:03 AM
If the whole telemarketer / prank phone call thing hasn't already been done to death by Hargrave, you have now most certainly killed it for sure.
Good going.
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Queen of Pixies 21 9
06/21/2003 02:50 PM
I'm evil to telemarketers.
I constantly get called by Northwest Center for the Retarted (whom the telemarketer is most certainly a member of, by the way he/she speaks), asking for donations. At first I was polite, telling them that I was saving my money for a new car, but they persisted. Eventually I got fed up.
Now I pick up the phone, sounding like my normal mature self.
Me: Hello?
Person: Hello I am calling fwom da Norfwes Senta fo da Reetawted. We wiw be in yo aweea nez week. Do you haf anyfing you wud like ta donate? (No exaggeration here folks.)
Me: (in an extremely childish voice) Well, I have some leaves, and some bark, and some pretty rocks, oh, and there's these capertillers I found last week...
Person: Uh, no fank you, ma'am. We'll call bak lata.
Me: Okay! Bye bye now!
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0 votes
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Rick_Dammit 1,183 10
06/21/2003 05:21 PM
I got laid off from my job a while back and thusly lost my company issued cell phone. Yesterday I spent 2 hours at radioshack trying to get a new phone, it was a real comedy of errors but anywhoo. I get my new phone I step out the door of radioshack, my phone rings for the very first time!!! woohoo. "Hello" I say, "Hi this is tracy from verizon with a very special offer for you."....arrrrrrgggggg!!!! man you can really hurl one of those new compact flip-phones.
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Smigly12321 4 8
11/01/2004 12:28 AM
Wow. I don't think you belong here...
Zug is entirely about comedy at other peoples expense. It's the best kind.
Like you for example. You seem pretty stuck up. I'm going to encourage everyone to make fun of that. Then you to shallst see the humor.
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Dr. Gabenstein 9,232 13
11/01/2004 02:15 AM
I have to be nice to a telemarketer because his job puts food on the table? Are you going to tell me I need to be nice to mimes next?
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GHOSTLY Chickens from BEYOND THE GRAVE 286,321 61
11/01/2004 07:23 AM
I have given your article the coveted ZUG homepage position for the day!
...and so driven a wooden stake through it's heart. Bummer man.
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Smigly12321 4 8
11/01/2004 04:02 PM
The mimes one was very awesome
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