Virnomine the Effluent 79,386 11
06/19/2003 09:22 AM

I got that same form reply from the sex toy company...

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,077 10
06/19/2003 09:28 AM

1000 squeezes? Is that all?



Personally, I'd expect at least 5 - 10 thousand squeezes from a toy of such calibre.



You should also ask exactly what constitutes as a 'squeeze'. Are we talking the gentle crush in a young child's hands, or some sick bastard trying to insert a barnyard babbler into his ass?

Ms. Trixxie Moon LeMay-Del la Fluentes Esq. 65,021 15
06/19/2003 10:04 AM

Hey: It was either that, or your curling iron.

Trae, Mistress of the Webinet 156,785 17
06/19/2003 11:12 AM

Dear Leeann Jeffries,



Thank you for your sincere reply concerning my Barnyard Babbler's lack of Bahs. While I understand your company policy on squeezes, I don't believe that I have reached that amount - and quite frankly - the inconvenience of taking "Marty" (I named him Marty, because I really didn't like the name he came with) to the store is really an inconvenience. Is there any way you can override this policy and send me a replacement sheep? Also, do they come with adjustable wool length? "Marty" is a bit hairier then I prefer.



Thanks ever so much for your help.



Regards,

MonkeyfunSheepFroster

MonkeyFun 620 10
06/19/2003 11:59 AM

that was perfect trae, thanks!

MonkeyFun 620 10
06/19/2003 12:47 PM

These people are pretty Frost-ing speedy in their replies!



We are only licensed to sell to retailers and do not send out replacements

to consumers. Here is a store in your area that has purchased the barnyard

animals, please feel free to call them to see if they have one that you can

purchase. Also, the hair on the items are the same length and there is no

option to have it shorter.





Sincerely,

Leeann Jeffries

Customer service e-mail representative

Ganz

Aphrodite 2,261 13
06/19/2003 12:50 PM

Tell them the hair length really bothers you and you want a gift certificate to the nearest wool farm to have him "shorn"

Mythology: Your trusted No Name Brand 4,891 11
06/19/2003 12:51 PM

You may be the only person emailing them, or this Leeaan person is a Gabber...

Virnomine the Effluent 79,386 11
06/19/2003 12:51 PM

Guess you just have to shave it, that might get rid of some of those unsightly semen and poo stains on it too.

Mythology: Your trusted No Name Brand 4,891 11
06/19/2003 12:52 PM

Tell them you gave the animal a haircut, and it was too short, so you added some water (ala Chia Pet <sp>, and now the sheep is a micropet.

Trae, Mistress of the Webinet 156,785 17
06/19/2003 12:53 PM

Dear Leeann Jeffries,



I appreciate your prompt reply to my request for a replacement sheep due to defective Bah. I thought you said I could get a replacement for my defective barnyard buddy? Let me make sure I understand you correctly, because Marty has ceased to sound like a healthy sheep I have to actually purchase one?



I'm seriously thinking of pimping Marty out since he's so popular with the women in my office. If I do this, can I therefore be considered a retailer, and get a few more your Barnyard Buddies?



Also, sometimes Marty and I like to do role playing. Do you have any cute little outfits he can wear?



Thanks in advance,

MonkeyFunSheepLicker

Virnomine the Effluent 79,386 11
06/19/2003 01:04 PM

see if they have one that vibrates as well as bahs...maybe one with a huge Coleridge too.

MonkeyFun 620 10
06/19/2003 01:09 PM

trae I altered your note a bit...before I send it though I just want to make sure it is good enough to have some of your phrasing mixed in with a n00bs.....



Dear Leeann Jeffries,



I appreciate your prompt reply to my request for a replacement sheep due to defective Bah. Let me make sure I understand you correctly, because Marty has ceased to sound like a healthy sheep I have to actually return to the mall? The store you listed is indeed the store where I bought Marty and they were not very nice people there. The cashier tried to talk me into purchasing a cow instead of Marty. Now what would I do with a mooing cow? Is it possible Marty is sufferring from a post-traumatic stress disorder having had to be in that type of atmosphere where cows are regarded more highly than him?



I'm seriously thinking of selling time with Marty to my co-workers since he's so popular with the people in my office. If I do this, can I therefore be considered a retailer, and get a few more your Barnyard Buddies? (Preferably all sheep)



Also, sometimes Marty and I like to do role playing. Do you have any cute little outfits he can wear? Possibly a cow outfit?



Thanks in advance,

MonkeyFun 620 10
06/20/2003 08:38 AM

Leeanne is a trooper I tell you. I don't think she even got an eye-twitch from that last email. Here is her reply:



I'm sorry but yes, that is true. You will need to take it back to the store.



Also, they do not come with outfits.



We only sell to retailers. We are not licensed to sell to the general

public.



Sincerely,

Leeann Jeffries

Customer service e-mail representative

Ganz

MonkeyFun 620 10
06/20/2003 10:22 AM

And the reply note sent just now...



(it amazes me that I get any work done)



Leeanne



I thought that by selling time with Marty I would qualify as a retailer. I assume from your reply that that is not the case, is there a form I must fill out to be considered a retailer instead of a consumer? What is with all the labeling anyhow? Retailer, consumer...My mom always told me to 'Dare to be different' How can I listen to my mom yet at the same time fill out this form to belabeled as a retailer?



All that really matters is that Marty is ill and needs attention, we currently have him on a liquid diet and resting comfortably. My co-workers and I have discussed taking the matter into our own hands and coming to Marty's rescue. Do you carry a Barnyards Babblers Anatomy book that we could use to perform surgery? I would hate to be in there and cut the wrong thing. We are aware of the sound devicethat is in him as that is the part that is most often squeezed to achieve the desired 'Bah' (which is in case you don't remember-is failing) Now the question is will this device come out easily? And once we have it what do we need to fix it, would we use a heart shocker to recharge it or just hook it up to some jumper cables out in the parking lot?

Now once we have opened him up and fixed him (we are remaining optimistic that we will succeed) would you suggest a zipper, buttons or just sew him up?



I await your speedy reply for as even as I wrote this letter Marty has slipped into a coma. One more thing, there are definately no outfits?

Trae, Mistress of the Webinet 156,785 17
06/20/2003 10:41 AM

I love you Monkeyfun. Boobs or not.

Chili 8,880 12
06/20/2003 10:45 AM

Yeah, me too. This is better than most of Hargraves.

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,077 10
06/20/2003 11:38 AM

MonkeyFun, please inform the stupidly names Leeanne that if there isn't the shiniest, newest loudest bah'ing barnyard babbler on your doorstep by monday morning, there's going to have one hell of an angry, dairy product coated stoat causing all kinds of disgusting mess in their shiny new office.



Yours,

Stoat Meister General

MonkeyFun 620 10
06/20/2003 03:05 PM

I strongly believe that Leeanne will not be replying to me this time....which is a pity.



Although Marty (we have decided that Trae picked an excellent name)is actually sounded pretty damn bad at this point. His 'bah' now sounds more like a long, low drawn out death rattle from a prepubescent goose.

Why the Frost don't they make things to last anymore?

MonkeyFun 620 10
06/23/2003 03:50 PM

Leeanne has decided to not reply...I am kinda sad about that. She seemed like she would be a good sport. I think I may send her a sincere apology note...and of course sign off asking about the outfits again..maybe I'll ask if she has a sheep outfit she could wear and just let all my coworkers make her 'bah' instead of Marty? Oh the possibilities...

Virnomine the Effluent 79,386 11
06/23/2003 04:02 PM

I'll squeeze you until you bah. Of course you'll probably quit bahing before 1000 squeezes too...

MonkeyFun 620 10
06/23/2003 04:03 PM

You'd be pleasantly surprised with my stamina...

Virnomine the Effluent 79,386 11
06/23/2003 04:04 PM

don't have much stamina when it comes to having your boobies posted...

MonkeyFun 620 10
06/23/2003 04:04 PM

I have a surprise for you, it will be sent to Ducky soon.

Virnomine the Effluent 79,386 11
06/23/2003 04:08 PM

hooray! edited though I'm sure...





Oh yeah, and way to put pressure back on jacobpants.

Mr. Gardenback 8,660 11
06/23/2003 04:11 PM

To hell with editing, I save every picture that crosses GAB. MonkeyFun's fiance will have to pry that image out of my cold dead hands.

Virnomine the Effluent 79,386 11
06/23/2003 04:14 PM

email it to me please vir_nomine@hotmail.com I'll put it up in my webspace too...

Mr. Gardenback 8,660 11
06/23/2003 04:16 PM

I am shocked and appalled that you would consider me willing to perform such a base and shameful act.



Give me ten minutes.

MonkeyFun 620 10
06/23/2003 04:26 PM

hmmm should I be afraid or honored?

Mr. Gardenback 8,660 11
06/23/2003 04:37 PM

Both. It's a little sensation I like to call afronored.

MonkeyFun 620 10
06/23/2003 04:39 PM

Well then color me afronored.

Virnomine the Effluent 79,386 11
06/23/2003 04:42 PM

no, only lila is colored that...

MonkeyFun 620 10
06/23/2003 04:47 PM

sigh.