MonkeyFun 616 7
06/24/2003 02:36 AM

So the midget says to the woman "Gee your hair smells nice"

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/24/2003 02:37 AM

Do they have to be clean?



At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.



Q - They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

A- Don't Look Down!



Q- What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

A- One less drunk.



Q- What is 8 inches long and white?

A- Nothing.



On the first day of football practice, the coached noticed that little Billy had a little bit of talent. So he calls to Chick and tells him to come over here."Yea coach, what is it?",The coach looks down at the young and short Billy and asks "Hey kid, do ya think you could pass a football?" Little Billy ponders for a moment and looks up at the coach and replies "Christ coach, I don't think I could even swallow one."

Lloyd's Of London 48,160 9
06/24/2003 02:38 AM

Did you ever hear the one about the gynecologist who looked up an old girlfriend?

Trae, Mistress of the Webinet 156,239 10
06/24/2003 02:40 AM

Bahahah!



I like the skycraper one! Keep them coming and no they don't have to be clean.

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/24/2003 02:54 AM

I think some people are just like slinkys. They aren't good for much, but you can't help buy smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.



A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, "How much?"

He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again?"

She giggles and says "No...it's just mustard this time."



I had a horrilble childhood. You know my father was a black jack dealer in Vegas, that's why he used to hit me till I was 17.

Spicey McHaggis 102,793 13
06/24/2003 03:24 AM

I've already posted the only funny joke I know, so I won't bother posting it again.

Araknyd 173 8
06/24/2003 03:26 AM

Whats the similarity between a gynaecologist and a pizza-delivery boy?



They can both smell it, but they can't eat it...

HoOHaA 242 8
06/24/2003 03:34 AM

so this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. the bartender asks "what's that?", the pirate says "arrgh, i dont know, but it's drivin' me nuts

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 03:37 AM

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?



They Take The Psycho Path.





How Do You Get Holy Water?



You Boil The Hell Out Of It.





What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?



A Stick.





What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?



Anyone Can Roast Beef.





Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?



Because It Scares The Dog.





What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?



A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 03:38 AM

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs trying to ski?



A: Skip

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 03:38 AM

A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex".



When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone

just so. He said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ."



And he sat back down.

MonkeyFun 616 7
06/24/2003 03:39 AM

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs thrown overboard?



Chum.

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 03:40 AM

Is that enough or do u need more.

O Livewire, my Livewire! 77,906 8
06/24/2003 03:40 AM

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are standing on a streetcorner. A little boy walks by. The priest nudges the Rabbi and whispers, "Hey! Let's screw him!" The Rabbi looks confused and asks, "Outta what?"

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 03:44 AM

Q. What does D.A.M. stand for?



A. Mothers Against Dyslexics

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 03:49 AM

It is the first day of school for the kindergarten class,

as the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was

written on the board.



The chalkboard read "T T T 1A". She looked at the children

and said, " who wrote this?"



Little Johnny raises his hand and says, " I did, teacher".



The teacher says,"Well,what does that mean, Johnny?"



Johnny answers, "It means, To The Teacher 1 Apple", and

gives the teacher an apple. "Very good", says the teacher, "Thank You".



The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and

notices something written on the board. The chalkboard read "T T T 1O".

She asked the children, "Who wrote this?"



Then little Bobby answers, "I did,teacher". The teacher

says, "well Bobby, what does that mean?"



Bobby says, "It means, To The Teacher 1 Orange", and gives

the teacher an orange.



"Very good, Bobby, thank you."



The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she

noticed the board read, " Frost I T".



The teacher, disappointed, said, "WHO WROTE THIS!!"



Then little Juanito, raises his hand and says, " I did,

teacher".



The teacher says, " Well, what does this mean, Juanito?"



Juanito answers, "It means, From Us Chicano Kids 1 Tamale".

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 03:51 AM

It supposed to say F o U o C o K-1-T

Araknyd 173 8
06/24/2003 03:53 AM

I preferred the first version, personally...

Trae, Mistress of the Webinet 156,239 10
06/24/2003 03:56 AM

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?



Because It Scares The Dog.







Bahahahahaha!

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 04:00 AM

Q: What happens when you double park your frog?







A: It gets toad.

MonkeyFun 616 7
06/24/2003 04:01 AM

hey now! joke thief!

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/24/2003 04:01 AM

no, the BEST joke, asshat. That's over in the worst one, can't have it both places.

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 04:02 AM

What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?

Depends...

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 04:02 AM

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?

Popeye almost killed him!

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/24/2003 04:12 AM

Q: What's pink and red and can't turn round in a corridor?



A: A baby with a javellin through its head.



Q: What do you call the skin around the vagina?



A: A woman.



Q: Did you hear they're taking seatbelts out of Cadillacs?



A: They decided velcro on the headrests is much more efficient.



Q: What do you throw a drowning Indian?



A: His wife and kids!

PuggyD 48,172 10
06/24/2003 04:18 AM

I think I may have heard this one on GAB, but here goes anyways:



What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for X-Mas?



Cancer.

Daggy 85,897 10
06/24/2003 04:41 AM

knock knock

who's there?

The interrupting sheep.

The interrupting sheep who?



























































































oh Frost off! IT'S FUNNY!

Daggy 85,897 10
06/24/2003 04:44 AM

A blonde is driving along the highway when Officer JohnnyBloobittyblat sees that as she's driving the car, she's also knitting!

He sounds his siren and flashes his lights but she just carries on driving, so he speeds up and drives up alongside her.

She rolls down the window and he yells 'pull over'



'No, it's a scarf' she yells back.

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 04:55 AM

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 04:56 AM

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?

"How come?"

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 04:56 AM

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?

Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 04:59 AM

What's the definition of a teenager?

God's punishment for enjoying sex.



What do you call a truckload of vibrators?

Toys for Twats.



What's the definition of indefinitely?

When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're

in...definitely!



Define Transvestite:

A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!





How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught fire.



What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.



When does a cub become a boy scout?

When he eats his first Brownie

Grand Pubah 47,449 11
06/24/2003 05:03 AM

Virgin:



An ugly Third Grader

Holiday Hogan 720 9
06/24/2003 08:55 AM

A woman is in line at the grocery store putting her groceries on the conveyor belt. The rough looking man behind her is watching her do this.



She puts some bacon, some eggs and some milk down on the belt.



The man behind her says, "You must be single."



Confused, the woman looks at the man, then at her groceries, then back to the man and says , "Well yes I am, but how did you know?"



The man replies, "Cause your uglier n' sh1t."





or



3 rabbi's are having dinner together, one rabbi looks troubled. He then stops eating and says, "Something has been bothering me deeply. I sent my son away to learn, and he came back a christian."



The second rabbi looks suprised, and after a moments pause, says, "You know that funny because MY son also went away and came back a christian!"



The 3rd Rabbi looks really dumbfounded and stammers out "Thats funny! Because I I sent MY son away too, and he came back a christian!"



So they all decide they must pray for answers.



And God answers back,



"You know thats funny because MY son......"

Lloyd's Of London 48,160 9
06/24/2003 09:00 AM

The hillbilly kid said to his father, "Pa, i done founded mahself a new gurl! I'm a gonna marry her."

The father says "Good fer you son. What's she like?"

"Well, she's real purty, with most of her teeth, blonde hairded, and best of all, she's a virgin!"

His father gets cross and says "You can't marry her, boy! If she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for our'n!"

Grand Pubah 47,449 11
06/24/2003 09:00 AM

...cause you're uglier than Shakespeare...



I had to fake a coughing attack so I could laugh at that.

Holiday Hogan 720 9
06/24/2003 09:10 AM

My grandpa told me this one.





Its good, but really good when told in person with the right sound effects.



These two co workers, frank and bob, went on a company paid hunting trip to africa. One went north, and the other went south. Both agreed to meet in a certain bar at 12 pm in two weeks time.



Two weeks later bob walks into the bar and sees frank sitting at a table. He looks very pale and his hair has white in it that wasnt there before.



So bob walks over and says "Jesus frank! what the hell happened?"



Frank looks up at him slowly and says in a most serious voice, "I was way out there man. Way out. I was tracking a family of lions. For a week I chased their trail, but they seemed to know I was coming and stayed ahead of me. Finally, just when i was about to give up, I came over a ridge and there they were. 4 of them. 3 females and a male. Biggest goddamn mane youve ever seen. I saw him, and he saw me. Neither of us wasted any time, i brought my rifle up just as he started to charge me. I slapped back the bolt, put it down, and ....CLICK.... a misfire. He was right there on top of me. RRRRRAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!!!! I Shakespeare my pants!"



Bob replies in shock, "Hell I would too if a lion got that close to me!"



Frank says, "NO! I mean just now when I went RRRRAAAWWWWRRRRRR!"

Mr. Gardenback 8,638 9
06/24/2003 09:14 AM

This is my favorite joke, originally told to me by my grandpa:



A young boy wakes up early one morning because he hears something strange outside. He opens his window to see a man running down the street, screaming, "PURPLE PASSION, PURPLE PASSION!" He ponders this for a few hours, and then at breakfast, he asks his mom, "Say mom, what's purple passion?" She drops the plate she's holding and stares at him. "Get out," she says in a shocked monotone. "Go to school. Your father is going to hear about this." So the kid walks off to school. When he sits down in class, he immediately starts thinking about purple passion again. As soon as the teacher asks if the class has any questions, he shoots his hand up and asks, "Yes, what's purple passion?" The teacher drops her chalk to the floor and begins weeping. "You're expelled!" she shrieks, and points toward the door. So the kid walks home, and now he's wondering more than ever what purple passion is. He knows he's in trouble, but he just can't get it out of his head. When he gets home, his dad is raking the yard. Before he can stop himself, he blurts out, "Hey dad, what's purple passion?" His father drops his rake, as people are wont to do when hearing of purple passion, and tells him, "Son, you can never, EVER return to this house again. Now leave." And with that, the father walks back inside the house and locks the door.

Mr. Gardenback 8,638 9
06/24/2003 09:14 AM

Well, harsh reality sets in, and the poor kid sits down on the curb and justs starts bawling. Suddenly the little girl from next door walks up and sits down next to him. "What's the matter?" she asks. "Oh, it's terrible," the kid responds. "I've lost my house and I can't go to school anymore, all because I asked what purple passion is!" The little girl wraps an arm around him and says, "Hey, cheer up. Things aren't so bad. I don't know what purple passion is either, but if you want, we can go out into the world together and find out." The kid is overjoyed. "Really?" he asks. "Of course," replies the little girl. So they both stand up and cross the street, at which point they are hit by a Buick and killed instantly.



The end.

HoOHaA 242 8
06/24/2003 09:15 AM

An elderly couple lay in their bed when suddenly the man rips a stinky.



"What was that for?" The old woman cried



"Touchdown 7-0" The man replied.



Suddennnly a loud fart erupted from the woman "Touchdown 7-7"



The man so overcome by the feeling that he had to win pushed and pushed, but nothing escaped, sudeenly he poo-pooed on the bed



"Halftime, switch sides.."

Grand Pubah 47,449 11
06/24/2003 09:17 AM

You're a bad man, Mr. Gardenback.

Mr. Gardenback 8,638 9
06/24/2003 09:21 AM

I don't tell that joke in public, because it tends to lead to violence.

By the way, my personal favorite is Hogan's lion joke. I can't wait to use that one.

HoOHaA 242 8
06/24/2003 09:22 AM

What do u get when you cross a wang with a potato?















































A dictater

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/24/2003 09:26 AM

heh, you said wang, trae is going to disembowel you...

Holiday Hogan 720 9
06/24/2003 09:32 AM

This one is best told while drunk.



Two canadians are sitting at a bar, bored out of their minds. The first canadian says, "hey, want to play a game of 20 questions?"



The second canadian shrugs his agreement.



The first canadian sits there a bit and thinks to himself, "Ive got to come up with a word hell NEVER guess. A real hard one... Ive got it! MooseColeridge! Hell never get that one!"



So the first canadian looks at the second canadian and says with a smug grin on his face, "Ok gimmie your questions."



The second canadian asks "Can you eat it?"



The first canadian chuckles to himself, "well, yeah, I guess you COULD technically eat it...."



The second canadian blurts out,



"Is it MooseColeridge?!"

Holiday Hogan 720 9
06/24/2003 09:33 AM

goddamnit, that was supposed to say moose Coleridge.

Holiday Hogan 720 9
06/24/2003 09:33 AM

arrgh! snubbed again! everyone turn your swearbots OFF!

Grand Pubah 47,449 11
06/24/2003 09:33 AM

There's a young man growing up in the hills of Missouri. His papa decides, he's come of age, gives him a sawbuck and sends him out to get his first piece.

After walking a couple of miles down the road looking for his first piece, the boy walks past his Grandma's house.

Grandma calls out from the bedroom window, "Boy, wacher lurkin fer"? The boy replies, "Paw dun sent me inta tawn tah git ma firss an acome a main".

"Why tote dat sawbuck inta tawn, when I cin teech ya awl they is ta no bout acomin' main", says Grandma.

So the boy goes to his grandmother and as fate would have it, his papa comes by. When he see's his son and mother in, let's say a compromising position, he has a fit.

"Boy, why you Frostin' ma mummma?" The boy replies, "why naught, you Frosted mine?"

Lloyd's Of London 48,160 9
06/24/2003 09:40 AM

Two guys were camping for a week, way out in the wilderness. They got tired of each other's company after a few days, so decided to split up for a day. At the end of the day, guy 1 gets back to the campsite early. When guy 2 returns, his friend tells him of his great, relaxing day, dipping his feet in bubbling brooks, napping in lovely meadows with butterflies and chirping birds. "I'm feeling so refreshed" he says.

"Wait 'til you hear about MY day", says guy 2.

"I was walking along and found a railroad. I followed it for a while, and then, off in the distance, I saw something on the track. As I got closer, I realised that it was a person, tied to the tracks! I ran up, and saw that it was a woman, with the most amazing body you've ever seen. She was totally naked too! I untied her, and guess what we spent the rest of the day doing?"

"You didn't!"

"Yep! We Frosted in every position you can imagine. She was amazing."

Guy 1 says "I've gotta ask...how was the oral?"

To which guy 2 replies, "I dunno, I never did find her head!"

Grand Pubah 47,449 11
06/24/2003 10:15 AM

A woman that loves fart jokes! Rippin' one under the covers is always satisfying.

Rick_Dammit 1,178 8
06/24/2003 12:33 PM

How do you catch a polar bear?

step one go to where polar bears live

step two buy a bag of frozen peas

step three cut a hole in the ice

step four sprinkle frozen peas around hole

step five hide











when the polar bear comes to take a pea kick him in the icehole









A young boy returned home late for dinner one night and his father was very upset with him

"son where have you been we've been worried sick"

"well dad I was over watchin a bunch of guys build a house and I helped them sweep up an stuff and they taught me about building a house" well the father was impressed and said "son what did you learn?"

the boy hands a piece of wood to his dad and says "hold this up against the wall" the father complies

"now move it a Carroll hair to the left"

"WHAT" the father screams

"oh Frostit just nail it" says the boy

Rick_Dammit 1,178 8
06/24/2003 12:48 PM

2 computer geeks were playin golf when one of them shanks it way into the woods as he's lookin for his ball he comes a cross a magical toad that tells him she is really princess and if he kisses her the spell will be broken and she'll make him oh so happy. He places the toad in his pocket and continues to look for his ball the toad keeps pleading for him to kiss her when finally he pulls the toad out of his pocket and says "I'm a computer geek I dont need some lame ass girlfriend but now a talking toad thats Frostin cool"

Rick_Dammit 1,178 8
06/24/2003 12:50 PM

did you hear about mattels' new Divorced Barbie?







she comes with all of Kens' stuff

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/24/2003 06:22 PM

no, actually she comes with GI Joe, that's why she divorced Ken.

Ms. Trixxie Moon LeMay-Del la Fluentes Esq. 64,479 13
06/24/2003 06:29 PM

Little Johnie is the only black 4th grader at an all white school. Little Johnie comes home and asks his dad. "Dad we had gym class for the first time, and after gym we all had to shower. Dad is the reason all the white boy's penises are so much smaller than mine because I am black." To which his dad replied. "Well partially little Johnie but mostely it is because you is 16."

Lloyd's Of London 48,160 9
06/24/2003 08:08 PM

On average, how long does it take to bring the average woman to orgasm?





































Who Frostin' cares?

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 09:32 PM

Three guys were standing around talking about dying when one asked, "What would you like people to say about you as they come to pay their last respects?"



The second man said, "I hope they say I was a respected doctor in my field, a good family man, and had lots of friends."



The third man said, "I hope they say I was a well spoken attorney, helped my fellow man, good citizen, and played a mean round of golf." The first man said,



"That's probably what will be said of the two of you." My hope is that when they look down in my coffin they say, "Look...he's moving"!

Bagpuss 1,781 9
06/24/2003 09:36 PM

Little Johnny goes into the bathroom and sees his mummy in the bath.



'What's that mummy?' says Little Johnny, pointing between her legs.



'That's where daddy hit me with an axe.'



'Bloody hell,' says Little Johnny. 'He must have got you right in the Carroll.'

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 09:40 PM

One day this Preacher and his wife were chillen when they got a phone call from their son in college saying that he would be home for dinner. The Preacher had a sermon to attend so he told his wife to go to the Butchers Markette to get something special. She went to the Markette and asked the Butcher what was good on the markette he told her



"Nothing but some damn hamn"



She said " Damn ham you know I am the preacher's wife you should not talk to me that way.

He said no like a beavers damn damn hamn...

So she went home and started cooking when her husband got home he said honey whats dat smell so good that you are cooking.

She said" Nothing but that damn ham"

"Damn ham you know I am a Preacher and you are my wife what has gotten into you.

She said no you know like a beavers damn damn ham.

So when the son got home and they were all at the table eating he asked his father what is that over there on that bowl by you smelling so good... His father said:



"Nothing but some damn hamn." His son said: "Damn daddy I did not know you was down wit dat sh1t pass me the mutha-fuking mash potatoes.

ringworm 67,989 9
06/24/2003 09:43 PM

as told by wesley willis

binnis 1,397 8
06/24/2003 11:48 PM

funny

danny_boy 2,210 8
06/25/2003 07:06 AM

Q: Why don't you ever see 'pregnant barbie'?







A: Because Ken comes in a different box.

Rick_Dammit 1,178 8
06/25/2003 12:47 PM

a blonde walks into the dry cleaners and plops her laundry on the counter she asks "how much?"

the clerk a little hard of hearing looks up and says "come again" the blonde giggles and says "no it's just mustard"

AmyPoo tips a 40 for her homie 2,710 10
06/25/2003 01:10 PM

actually, there is a pregnant barbie. sick, i tell ya.

AmyPoo tips a 40 for her homie 2,710 10
06/25/2003 01:11 PM

what do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and see your TV floating throught the air?







"drop it, Ogden Nash"

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/25/2003 07:03 PM

rick...didn't read this thread did you? Check the 6th post down, I already posted that joke.

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/25/2003 07:13 PM

A Chinese man walks into a bar and on seeing the bar man is black shouts"Gimme a jigger Niger". The black man tells him how that wasn`t a nice thing to say, and how would he like the same treatment. The Chinese man explains he wouldn`t give a Shakespeare, so the black man says okay, you get behind the bar, and we`ll try it again.



So the Chinese man gets behind the bar and the black guy goes outside.



After a few seconds the black man comes in and says, "Gimme a drink Chink". The Chinese man stares at him and says "Frost off, we don`t serve Nigers".

1,397 8
06/25/2003 11:02 PM

Have you heard about the white man who came upon a black man skinnydipping

with a number of girls, and pleasuring the lot of them? Yes, the white man

was so amazed at the black man's Coleridge.....it was SO big...the biggest he'd

ever seen.....and the strongest....finally, he just had to ask. He walked

over to the black guy and says, man, I gotta ask you....how did your dick come

to be a size like that? The black man looked a bit embarrassed to be asked

this in front of his lovers but replied just the same....'look man, yours

shrinks in cold water too.'

psychaholic, a bear of very little peen 4,855 10
06/25/2003 11:45 PM

A nerd enteres an empty elevator. Then a hot woman enteres and presses the 20th floor button. They are on the 1st.





She says "You have 20 floors to make me feel like a woman."



The nerd start ripping off clothes, and tosses them in the corner.



The nerd bellows, "Wash my clothes, Woman."

Dagwolf the Prophet of God 1,011 8
06/26/2003 12:31 AM

And then there was the optometrist who fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

Dagwolf the Prophet of God 1,011 8
06/26/2003 01:06 AM

Sorry about that.



What do you call a cow with no legs?-------Ground beef!

Guy w/no arms or legs in the mailbox?

Bill!

On the wall?

Art

In the ocean?

Bob!

On the porch?

Matt!

What do you call a dog with no legs?























Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway!



Ok they're old but SOMEBODY might have missed one of them...

psychaholic, a bear of very little peen 4,855 10
06/26/2003 01:09 AM

Yup, ground beef is new to me.

binnis 1,397 8
06/26/2003 01:41 AM

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack

or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came to work late.



The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager

thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately,

neither employee took a coffee break.



Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely,

neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both ate at their

desk.



Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work earliest, but

both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and

the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't

know whether to lay you or Jack off."



Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

I am Captain-Obvious 1,397 8
06/26/2003 03:54 AM

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible

language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was

going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over

the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100

yards."



"Is that when you swore?"



"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes

and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."



"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.



"Well, no." says the nun.



"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky,

grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"



"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew

near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."



"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.



"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled

onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."



The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and

asked, "You missed the phucking putt, didn't you?"

punkin 3,573 7
06/26/2003 06:02 AM

little johnny walks into his father's room just in time to see his father finish jacking off. johnny points to the ejaculate and asks what it is. his dad says, "son, that's what makes babies." little johnny thinks about that for a good long time, and decides to go outside to see if he can do the same thing... he takes matters into his own hands, and before long, he comes on a stump. the next day little johnny goes outside and sees some roly polys on the same stump, and says, "well, you're some ugly sons of bitches, but daddy loves you."

punkin 3,573 7
06/26/2003 06:17 AM

oh yeah, and...





this old woman goes to the doctor with an crotch itch. the doctor tells her she has crabs, but she tells him there's no way she has crabs because she's a virgin. she storms out and goes to another doc for a second opinion. the second doctor also tells her she has crabs. the old lady starts screaming and bitching, telling him how she's an 80 year old virgin, std is not an option, and the doctor agrees to check the test results again. finally, the doctor tells the lady "i've got good news and bad news. the good news is, it's not crabs. the bad news is, your cherry's rotten and you have fruit flies."

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/26/2003 06:41 AM

wait, that's not a joke...that's a story from your future isn't it?

Haggis 702 9
06/26/2003 06:51 AM

A guy took a girl out on the river in a boat. They were out there for a little bit when the guy asked the girl something. She then took off all of her clothes and layed down on the bottom of the boat, presenting herself. The guy sees this and gives her a few jabs. When he finishes up he says it again: "Up stream or down." "OH!," she replied, I thought you said: "Frost scream or drown."

Holiday Hogan 720 9
06/26/2003 06:53 AM

One day at work, Bob hears a voice in his head.



its says "Quit your job sell your house, cash in all your assets, go to vegas."



Bob is shocked. Nothing strange ever happens to bob, and this is strange.



An hour later the same voice in his head repeats itself.



"Quit your job sell your house, cash in all your assets, go to vegas."



Bob decides what the hell! Ill do it!



So he runs up to his boss with a big smile on his face and quits.

He then immediately contacts his neighbor whos always wanted his property, and sell his house for 100 grand.

He then hops on a plane to vegas.



Hes standing in the Las vegas airport thinking "Now what?"



No sooner than he had thought it, the voice answers back, "Go to ceasars palace."



Upon arriving at the casino, Bob gets a thrilling feeling that something bigs about to happen.



The voice says, "Go to the roullette table."



Bob finds the big no limit roullette table and begins to sweat excitedly.





The voice says, "Put all your money on black."



Bob complies, the pit boss nods, and the wheel goes round and round. Bob is finally going places.



The ball lands on red and the voice says,

"Phuck."

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/26/2003 06:54 AM

Ok, either that one or the lion one has my vote for best.

Grand Pubah 47,449 11
06/26/2003 07:10 AM

Does that mean we're done?



Gomer Pyle and his girlfriend, Lewanne Pubie are sittin in the back seat of his cousin Goobers car watching the North Carolina sun go down.

Gomer says to his first love, "Being as how you're my girl and all, can I put may finger in your navel?"

Lewanne, wanting to please her man, says yes. The car rocks a bit and Lewanne let's out a shriek, "Gomer, that's not your finger, and that's not my navel".

Gomer exitedly responds, "Suprise, suprise, Suprise"!

Holiday Hogan 720 9
06/26/2003 09:54 AM

heck, one more for the road.



So bob has a bad day at work, and he needs a drink so he decides to go out for a drink.



He is tired of the same ol spots, so he decides to try this bar he's heard about that sits on the top floor of a skyscraper.



So there he is, sitting at the barm admiring the view of the city below, when DING! the elevator doors open up and this big handsome man walks in.



The handsome man walks up to the bar and orders a warm beer. The bartender brings him one, he chugs it, walk over to the balcony, and jumps over the edge.



Shocked, bob rushes over to the balcony in time to see the handsome man fall 10 stories. at about the 4th story from the ground, the man suddenly slightly lifts up, swoops around the building and lands on the pavement in an easy roll.



A few minutes later DING! the elevator doors open up and here comes the big handsome man. Bob runs over to him and says, "That was Frost-ing amazing! how the hell did you do that?"



The big handsome man replies, "Its simple really, the carbonation from the warm beer gives you the extra lightness you need for the 4th story updraft to roll you around the building. happens every evening about this time. Winds just strong enough to give you the ride of your life."



Bob says with extreme excitement, "Man! thats exactly what I need! You think I can do it?"



The big handsome man replies, "Sure, just chug a warm beer and dont hesitate, the carbonation doesnt last too long."



So Bob goes up to the bar and orders a warm beer. The bartender look at the big handsome man, the big handsome man nods, and the bartender gives Bob a warm beer.

Holiday Hogan 720 9
06/26/2003 09:55 AM

Bob chugs it, smiles, runs over to ledge and dives headfirst overboard.



SPLAT! Bob hits the pavement like a hefty sack full of tomato

soup.



The bartender looks at the big handsome man and says,

"Superman, you can be a real Emerson when your drunk."

Lloyd's Of London 48,160 9
06/26/2003 07:29 PM

An old lady goes into the bank and informs the teller that she wants to make a deposit, but because it is very large, she needs to speak to the manager.

The manager invites her into his office, where she pulls out $100,000 in cash.

He tries to contain his excitement at seeing all of this cash, but can't help but ask "what is it that you do to earn all of this money?"

The old lady replies "I win bets."

"What kind of bets?" asks the manager.

"Well" she says, "for example, I'll bet you $20,000 that tomorrow at this exact time, you will have square testicles."

Knowing this to be impossible, the manager agrees. Her only conditions are that she must check the testicles herself, tomorrow at this same time, and she must have her lawyer present, because she doesn't want to get ripped off.

Nobody wants an old lady fondling their nads, but for $20k, he agrees.

The next day, the old lady arrives, with her lawyer and instructs the manager to drop 'em. He does, and she grabs his nuts and feels that they are still a regular nut shape. She smiles and says "excellent."

"What do you mean 'excellent'?" He asks. "You lost the bet!"

"Yeah" she says, "but I bet him (motioning to the lawyer) $50,000 that today at noon I could have the bank manager's nutsack in my hand just by asking!"

I am Captain-Obvious 1,397 8
06/26/2003 08:53 PM

One day, Mickey Mouse decided that he wanted a divorce from his wife Minnie. He went to his lawyer to explain the reasons for this.



"You can't divorce your wife just because you say she's

crazy!", explained the lawyer.



Mickey Mouse explained,"I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was phucking Goofy!"

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/26/2003 10:27 PM

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he

decided to go to the doctor.



He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In

response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting

ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."



That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a

starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home

to his wife.



At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the

two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.



The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and

fired the starter pistol.



The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,

"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well ... when I

fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my

penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in

the air!"

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,045 8
06/26/2003 10:30 PM

a blonde walks into the dry cleaners and plops her laundry on the counter she asks "how much?"

the clerk a little hard of hearing looks up and says "come again" the blonde giggles and says "no it's just mayonnaise

ringworm 67,989 9
06/26/2003 10:42 PM

it was funnier the second time.

Swizzle 3,934 8
06/27/2003 09:54 AM

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods, squatting next to each other taking a Shakespeare. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks,"Do you ever have a problem with Shakespeare sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit replies, "Why no, I never have that problem"

Bear says, "Good", picks up the rabbit, wipes his ass with him, and walks away.

Dagwolf the Prophet of God 1,011 8
06/27/2003 10:14 AM

How to catch a polar bear



Cut a hole in the ice. Open a can of peas and set it next to the hole. When the bear comes

















To take a pea

























Run up and kick him in the icehole...

Holiday Hogan 720 9
06/27/2003 10:28 AM

A black, a Mexican, a jew and a bigot are all sitting on a bus stop bench.



The black picks up an old dusty bottle from under the bench, when he rubs the dust away a genie pops out.



The genie tells them they may each have 1 wish.



The black says, "I wish to be returned to africa, along with all of my ancestors, brothers and sisters, and let it be like slavery never happened."



POOF. He and all other blacks in sight are gone.



The mexican says, "I wish for my country to be as rich and good as america, so all mexicans can live in our own country and be proud of our heritage."



POOF. he and all other mexicans in sight are gone.



The Jew says, "I wish for all the jews to return to the promiseland, and have our laws and the laws of god followed, so that all may prosper together in perfect harmony, without outside influence."



POOF, he and all other jews in sight are gone.



The bigot looks around him at the suddenly very empty street. He then turn to the genie and says,

"Let me get this straight. All the blacks are in africa, all the mexicans are in mexico, and all the jews are in Israel?"



The genie nods.



"Well in that case I'll have a diet coke."

Holiday Hogan 720 9
06/27/2003 10:37 AM

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. He's looking around when he spots a guy at the other end of the bar in a golden suit, a beautiful blonde with big tits on by his side, and half a peach for a head.

The guy thinks to himself, "HOLY Shakespeare! Ive got to hear this guys story."



So he walks over to the guy with half a peach for a head, and without hesitating, asks him, "Hey buddy, whats up with your freakin head!?"



The man replies, "Well, I was metal detecting on the beach one day when I came across this old bottle buried in the sand. Well god darnit if it wasnt a genie bottle. He told me I could have three wishes."



"My first wish was for all the money I could ever spend. This symbolic golden suit appeared on me with no limit credit cards spilling out of the pockets."



"My second wish was for a beautiful blonde with big tits who would fullfill any sexual desire I could imagine. Bamn. There she was. And she doesnt disappoint."



The guy, knowing the answer to his question is about to be revealed, asks in a serious voice, "Man, then what happened?"



Peach head replies, "Well, ive always wanted half a peach for a head."

Pubah the Free Pisser 47,449 11
06/27/2003 10:40 AM

An (Fill in ethnic Noun) and a bigot find an ancient lamp. While fighting over it, they inadvertantly rub it and a Genie comes out to grant them each two wishes.

The bigot butts in, "I'm superior to you Ogden Nashes, so I'll go first. I want a huge wall built around a tropical island. A hundred foot wall so that no one can get in or get out. Secondly, I'd like all the people that think we're superior to be transported to this island."

"As you wish", nods the Genie, and the Bigot disappears.

The "fill in ethinc noun" turns to the Genie and says, "They're all on an island with a one hundred foot wall aroudn em, right?" The Genie nods, "Yes, what would you like?" The "ethnic" replies, two things, fill the wall with gasoline and drop a lit match on it."

General Dan- Yes, I like Pina Colada 502 8
06/27/2003 11:57 AM

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit are walking through the woods one day, when they come across an old oil lamp. They picked it up and dusted it off, and, to their surprise, a genie came out of it.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp," he said. "Since both of you rubbed the lamp, I will give you each 3 wishes."

Mr. Bear thinks for a little while and says "Ok, Genie. I'm ready for my first wish. I wish that all of the bears in my forest were females."

The genie grants his wish and goes onto Mr. Rabbit.

Mr. Rabbit quickly says, " I wish that I had a motorcycle helmet"

The genie grants Mr. Rabbit's wish and goes back to Mr. Bear.

"For my second wish," he said with a devious little smile "I wish that all of the bears in this country were females."

The genie grants Mr. Bears wish, and goes back to Mr. Rabbit.

"My second wish," he says with an equally devious smile " Is to have a motorcycle."

The genie grants his wish.

Mr. Bear looks at Mr. Rabbit, dumfounded. "Mr. Rabbit, why, may I ask, are you wishing for such preposterous gifts. You could wish for a billion dollars and buy the best motorcycle on the market. My advice to you is to stop being so stupid and to wish for something like your aren't a furry rat with a bushy tale. Watch this. Genie, for my third and final wish, I wish that all of the bears in the world were female."

The Genie grants his wish.

"Now," says Mr. Bear. "That's how you wish for something you numskull."

Mr. Rabbit puts on his helmet and yells out." I wish Mr. Bear was gay!" and drives off.

Johnny Inkspot 59 7
06/27/2003 12:00 PM

Q. What's got 6 balls and screws white trash?



A. The lottery

Fluro 14,073 9
06/27/2003 12:04 PM

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled road. One says "Ive never come this way before"

The other says "Yeah, it must be the cobbles."





Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go Frost the cat."

Jacobpants 13,434 9
06/27/2003 12:10 PM

The Little Pianist

So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully.

The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says" That's amazing. Where did you get him?"

Bill says" well I got this magic lamp with a genie" So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?"

Bill says "sure " and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie.

He says" I want a million bucks". Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims"Hey! I asked for I million BUCKS! Not DUCKS!" Bill explained "Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?

Fluro 14,073 9
06/27/2003 12:22 PM

Teh Funnie as seen here

Fluro 14,073 9
06/27/2003 01:06 PM

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.



So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.



Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "



Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."



Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

Pubah the Free Pisser 47,449 11
06/27/2003 01:39 PM

A woman comes home after a Saturday morining of Yard Sale shopping with an antique mirror.

The husband, pissed that she's once again spent too much money asks, "What do we need another mirror in this house for?" As the wife hangs the mirror on the closet door, she answers, "But Honey, this is a special mirror."

She turns to the mirror and says, "Mirror mirror, on the door, make my tits a fourty-four."

*Poof*

She gets MAJOR jubblies (Even Trae Would Be Awed).

As she walks out of the room admiring her new mammaries, her husband sheepishly approaches the mirror. "Ahem...Mirror mirror, on the door, make my dick hang to the floor."

*Poof*

His legs fell off.

Dagwolf the Prophet of God 1,011 8
06/27/2003 04:41 PM

According to the BBC, after a year of research and polls, scientists discovered that the following is the world's funniest joke:



Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.



The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"



The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."



There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"



Obviously, something as important as humour should NOT be left in the hands of scientists and the general public.

sothys 33 7
06/27/2003 04:57 PM

another "my grandfather told me this joke" joke.



Once upon a time, there was a farm, and the farm was known amongst all in the near-by village, for its big apple-tree. The tree was standing just on the other side of a small lake. So small that you could jump over it easily.

Now on the particulair summer we are talking about there was a litle worm, wroming around in its hole. And it glanced up at the apples, and it thought to itself.

"Hrmm.. soon the apples will mature, and fall from the tree, and i will worm my way out of my whole, and squitteti-squoppeti all the way over to them, and munch my way into one.

But, on one of the branches there sat a bird, and the bird had seen the worm, and it thought to itself. "soon the appels will mature, and then the worm will worm its way out of the hole, and squiddeti-squappeti, over to the apples that fall down. then i will fly down, and snatch the worm off the ground. Mmmmmm"

As any farm wih respect for itself, it had a cat living in the barn.

So the cat, lazy as it was, lay by the lake, watching the bird, and it thought to itself. "hrmm, soon the apples will mature, and then the bird will want to eat the worm, when it jumps out of the hole, and squiddity squadity over to the apples... Then i can jump over the lake and catch the bird ! Mmmmm"

sothys 33 7
06/27/2003 04:57 PM

The time came the next day, where the apple fell from the tree, and the worm thought to itself "Wohooo ! and it squidity squatidy'd all the way to the apple, it was really putting in an effort But the bird flew from the tree straight towards the worm. Just then the cat moved a few paces back and startet running for the bird. But it slipped in the jump and landed head first in the lake.

Now tell me, what can be gained/learned from this story ?

































"To much foreplay will make the Poe wet."

sothys 33 7
06/27/2003 04:58 PM

obviously that is alot more fun without the spam filter so it doesnt translate Poe

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,045 8
06/27/2003 05:06 PM

Did you translate that joke from swahili using Babelfish?



Cos it stinks like last week's mackerel.

Sensuela LaFoofy 194 7
06/27/2003 07:09 PM

So, a termite walks into a bar and says, "Where's the bartender?"











No, really,

This guy walks ino a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender asks " Where'd you get THAT thing?" The frog says "I don't know, it started as just a wart on my ass."

Sensuela LaFoofy 194 7
06/27/2003 07:25 PM

An electrician, a plumber and a civil engineer are sitting around discussing theology. The electrician says "God must be an electrician, look at the circuitry of the brain and the nervous system!" The plumber disagrees, "No,no,no, God was certainly a plumber, just look at the circulatory system, it is a marvel of pipes and valves with the best of pumps driving it" The civil engineerr pipes in, saying, "you guys are both wrong, God is clearly a civil engineer, who else would put a waste disposal system right in the middle of a major recreation area?"

I am Captain-Obvious 1,397 8
06/27/2003 08:42 PM

A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream. He asked his wife if she wants some.



"How hard is it?" she asked.



"About as hard as my d1ck," he replies.



The woman replied, "OK, then pour me some!"

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,045 8
06/27/2003 09:05 PM

a blonde walks into the dry cleaners and plops her laundry on the counter she asks "how much?"

the clerk a little hard of hearing looks up and says "come again" the blonde giggles and says "no it's just milk

JayDogg in the hizzouse 23,685 9
06/27/2003 09:08 PM

OK dude, do you have torret?



A little reminder if you only got one clickie the first time what makes you think you'll get more you would have a better chance at getting a clickie for that if you posted it NLI.

General Dan- Yes, I like Pina Colada 502 8
06/27/2003 09:49 PM

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. After the man sits down and orders a drink, the monkey jumps off and starts to do his own thing. First he goes to the bar, grabbed the eight ball off of the pool table, shoved it in his mouth and swallowed it whole.

"Did you just see what your monkey did?" the bartender asked the man. "He just stuck that eight ball in his mouth a swallowed it."

"Yeah, the little bastard eats everything." And he threw down a few bucks. "This is for the drink and the eight ball."

A few days later, the same guy comes in with the same monkey. After the guy sits down, the monkey, again, gets off of the guys shoulder and does his own thing. He runs to the other side of the bar, and grabs an orange, shoved it in his ass, pulled it out, and ate it whole.

"Did you just see what your monkey did?" the bartender asked again. "He stuck an orange in his ass, pulled it out, and ate it whole."

"Yeah," says the guy. "He still eats everything, but ever since he ate that eight ball, he measures it first."

General Dan- Yes, I like Pina Colada 502 8
06/27/2003 09:58 PM

Little bobby was doing badly in math. So bad, that he was almost failing. One day, his dad calls him in the room and says. "Son, we know that you have the potential to be good at math. It's quite easy, and you are very intelligent. So your mother and I have decided to send you to a catholic school."

So little Bobby goes to the catholic school, and sure enough, he did nothing but study and do his homework and at the end of the school year, he had an A in math.

"Son," his dad said. "We knew that you had the potential, and we knew that you were smart enough, but what we don't know is why this sudden change in enthusiasm in school."

"Well Dad" little Bobby said. "When I went into that school, and I saw that man nailed to that plus sign, I knew they meant business."

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,045 8
06/27/2003 11:42 PM

a blonde walks into the dry cleaners and plops her laundry on the counter she asks "how much?"

the clerk a little hard of hearing looks up and says "come again" the blonde giggles and says "no it's just cream

JayDogg in the hizzouse 23,685 9
06/28/2003 12:25 AM

OK dude, do you have torret?



A little reminder if you only got one clickie the first time what makes you think you'll get more you would have a better chance at getting a clickie for that if you posted it ten thousand times

Holiday Hogan 720 9
06/28/2003 04:31 AM

Back to retard jokes.



what do you call an epeleptic in a pile of leaves?



Rustle.





Whats better than winning the gold metal at the special olympics?



Not being retarded.

Froodle 226 7
06/28/2003 04:35 AM

Oh jeez!! I'm hating myself because I couldn't help but laugh! They're almost as bad as the dead baby jokes.

Pubah the Free Pisser 47,449 11
06/28/2003 06:09 AM

Someone ought to print this and make it into a book.





"I'd buy that for a dollar"

Spicey McHaggis 102,793 13
06/28/2003 06:53 AM

I accept cash only.

Spicey McHaggis 102,793 13
06/28/2003 07:21 AM

Act now and get the utlra-hot uncensored version absolutely free!

Pubah the Free Pisser 47,449 11
06/28/2003 08:14 AM

But wait, there's More!





Beats the hell out of Hillary Rodhams excuse for a book.

Pubah the Free Pisser 47,449 11
06/28/2003 08:15 AM

You are The Shakespeare, Spicey.

Jack Horner 12 7
06/28/2003 03:30 PM

Q: What to clouds and men have in common?



A: Eventuallly they piss off and it's a nice day!

Action Lovestick 56 7
06/28/2003 03:41 PM

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,

"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"



The doctor replied,

"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off"



-----------------------------------



My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.



-----------------------------------



Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,

"I think I've lost an electron."



The other says,

"Are you sure?"



The first replies,

"Yes, I'm positive..."



----------------------------------



A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and asks

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"



"Well, let's have a look at him" says the vet.



So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says

"I'm going to have to put him down."



"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" exclaims the man.



"No, because he's really heavy."

Sensuela LaFoofy 194 7
06/28/2003 08:31 PM

Hey Stoat, do you have oldtimer's or does that blonde go to the dry cleaner's a lot?

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,045 8
06/28/2003 08:39 PM

Different blonde, different stain...



It just happens a lot to them, bless their hearts.

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,045 8
06/28/2003 08:40 PM

a blonde walks into the dry cleaners and plops her laundry on the counter she asks "how much?"

the clerk a little hard of hearing looks up and says "come again" the blonde giggles and says "no it's just greek yoghurt with a hint of garlic and a dash of thyme

Rick_Dammit 1,178 8
06/28/2003 10:00 PM

This guy is watching TV one day when he hears a racket coming from the roof of his house, he steps outside to discover a gorilla is tearing the roof off his house.

He dashes inside and calls the police "help help there is a gorilla tearing the roof off my house" "I'm sorry" replies the dispatcher "thats not something the police handle. I suggest you call A gorilla removal service" and hangs up.

Frantically the man flips through the yellow pages and there it is Gorilla Removal. Natuarally he calls and repeats his plea. The secretary assures him that someone will be there shortly.

5 minutes later a station wagon with a ladder tied to it's roof pulls up. The homeowner rushes out to greet him, as he does, the driver of the station wagon starts leaning the ladder up against the house he then gets a german shepard out of his car and ties him to a nearby tree he then produces a shot gun and asks the home owner for some assistance.

He tells the home owner to hold the shot gun as he is about to climb the ladder and wrestle the gorilla off the roof and toss him to the ground at this point the german shepard will bite his balls off and make the gorilla passive. he then says if the gorilla is too strong and he should get tossed off the roof the home owner was instructed to shoot the dog

Rick_Dammit 1,178 8
06/28/2003 10:05 PM

Admittedly new here and thoroughly impressed with this thread.

I am Captain-Obvious 1,397 8
06/28/2003 11:17 PM

A little white boy was watching his mother in the kitchen making a chocolate cake from scratch. While the mother had her head turned, the little white boy went to the table dipped both hands in the chocolate frosting and covered his face with it.



The mother turned around to see what the boy was doing and said "Boy, what the hell are you doing? The son gleefully replied "Look

Mama! I'm black!!!" The mother became enraged and slapped the crap out of her son. She then said "Boy, go show your father what you've done!



The boy then walked into the den where his father was reading and said "Look Daddy! I'm black!!" The father put his magazine down with a very puzzled look on his face (seeing the chocolate on the boy's face). The father said "Come here, boy!" The boy came to him and the father smacked his son across his head.



The father angrily said "Now go show your grandpa what you've done!!!"

The boy then slowly walked to his grandpa who was on the porch and aid,"Um... Grandpa. Look what I did. I'm black now"



The grandfather said gruffly, "COME HERE BOY!" The grandfather took the boy over his knee and proceeded to spank him. "That'll teach you! Now go back in the kitchen with your mama!!! The boy walks back in the kitchen and the mother said "I hope you've learned your lesson, young man!"



The boy says with a scowl on his face "Hell yeah! I've been black for 5

minutes and I already hate you white mothaphucka's...........

Lloyd's Of London 48,160 9
06/29/2003 09:05 AM

Two firsts in this thread!

1. First full pee tube. I think I'll put it on my mantle, next to my Oscar and my Sussex, New Brunswick McDonald's employee of the month award for July 1989.

2. Also, my first negaclick (two now, same post?) It was on my female orgasm joke, which I quite like, but oh well.

I think I'll put it UP SOMEONE'S ASS WHEN I FIND OUT WHICH ONE OF YOU mother-FrostERS DID IT!!!

O Livewire, my Livewire! 77,906 8
06/29/2003 11:07 AM

Sometimes I click on the names of people who are logged in if I see new people. Some of them have zero posts, zero happy clicks, and quite a handful of negaclicks.



If you can't find something to laugh at on Gab, especially in this thread, just what the holy hell does it take to entertain you?

Columbocube 13,423 10
06/29/2003 12:21 PM

this thread might be funny if it hadn't been done 500 times.

Columbocube 13,423 10
06/29/2003 12:24 PM

So, a termite walks into a bar and says, "Where's the bartender?"



YOU FrostED UP THE EASIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD

Mr. Goo 707 7
06/29/2003 10:38 PM

I'm new here, but I have a few good ones:



Two cannibals are sitting in the jungle eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and says, "Hey. Does this taste funny to you?"

------

Q) Whats the difference between Jesus and a PICTURE of Jesus?





A) It only takes ONE nail to hang up the picture.

------

Q) What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?





A) You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork...

------

Q) What do fat people do in the summer?





A) Stink

------

Q) Why do Italians wear gold necklaces?





A) So they know where to quit shaving.

------

Q) How are a Mexican and a cue ball alike?





A) The harder you hit them, the more english they pick up.

------

Q) How do you eat out a fat woman?





A) Flip through the folds and when you smell Shakespeare, go back one.

------

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/29/2003 10:43 PM

Damn, I hate to admit it, but I like a couple of those. Especially the Jesus and mexican ones.

Kaj 70 7
06/30/2003 12:49 AM

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off, otherwise they'd all fall to their doom.



After much intense debate, the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.



As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/30/2003 01:48 AM

That's very touching...hey! Wait a minute!

A Blackhole Of Sorts 1,470 7
06/30/2003 06:32 AM

Five surgeons were debating which patients are the easiest to operate on. The first surgeon liked to operate on accountants because all the internal organs are numbered. But the second surgeon claimed electricians made the best patients because all their organs are color-coded. The third surgeon liked librarians because their internal organs are arranged in alphabetical order. The fourth doctor said auto mechanics or construction workers were the best because "those guys understand when you have parts left over and the operation takes longer than you'd thought it would." But the fifth surgeon insisted, "You're all wrong--politicians are the best patients for operating. They have no guts, no spine, no heart and the head and butt are interchangeable."

0 7
06/30/2003 08:05 AM

a guy walks into a bar and says "ouch"

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/30/2003 08:06 AM

a baby seal walks into a club.









That is my absolute favorite 'bar' joke.

Lion 4 7
06/30/2003 10:55 AM

How do you keep a Zugling in suspense?

Dagwolf the Prophet of God 1,011 8
06/30/2003 03:40 PM

Wait until he comes to take a pea, then run up and kick him in the icehole?

Lloyd's Of London 48,160 9
06/30/2003 05:59 PM

Two guys walk into a bar.



Well, that's not totally true. The first guy walked right into it, so the second guy saw that it was there and walked around it.

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/30/2003 06:17 PM

An Irishman walks past a bar.







Sorry, that's just too unrealistic.

I am Captain-Obvious 1,397 8
06/30/2003 08:08 PM

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.



The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"



The second kid then asks, "What are you in for? " The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

JayDogg in the hizzouse 23,685 9
06/30/2003 08:14 PM

What do you call a fat Chink?



Chunk





WHat is a Mexicans idea of window shopping?



Clear Trash Bags



What do you call three black guys and one white woman?





Rape







What do you call two black guys in a sleeping bag?







Twix

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/30/2003 08:18 PM

Oh come on, someone sipped my pee from the baby seal one.



grow a sense of humor Emersons....

I am Captain-Obvious 1,397 8
06/30/2003 08:24 PM

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a

Southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."

A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this Shakespeare."

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
06/30/2003 08:39 PM

Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive?



A: Because she's a woman.





Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE..... UHH!" all night long.



In the morning the second dwarf asks the first "How did it go?"



The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection"



The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

Sensuela LaFoofy 194 7
07/01/2003 02:33 AM

Don't worry, Virn, the baby seal pees all over that other version...

Lloyd's Of London 48,160 9
07/01/2003 03:05 AM

Q. What's the most common thing said in the last few seconds of a southerner's life?



A. Y'all hold my drink and watch this! YEEE-HAWWW!

I am Captain-Obvious 1,397 8
07/01/2003 03:26 AM

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"



She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
07/01/2003 03:45 AM

I told this in another thread, but I think it can be here too...



What's the insensitive part at the base of a penis?







A man.

General Dan- Yes, I like Pina Colada 502 8
07/01/2003 06:20 AM

An elderly man comes home from work one day and as he walks in the house, he sees his wife, naked on the couch. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked. "I put on my birthday suit for you. I was thinking we could have some fun." She responds. "Ok, I'll go get ready and you go iron that damn thing."

Pubah the Free Pisser 47,449 11
07/01/2003 06:50 AM

Doctor has argument with his wife. In the heat of the moment, he screams,"...And you're a lousy lay..."

He slams the door and goes to work. After a couple of hours, the doctcor feels bad and comes home to apologize.

He bursts into the bedroom to find his wife being frosted by a medical coleague.

The suprised husband yells, "Honey, what are you doing?" She replies, "Getting a second opinion."

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
07/01/2003 07:08 AM

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?



A dead poodle with an 18 inch Emerson.



A bear walks into a bar and places his order. "I'll take a gin and.... tonic"

So the bartender says, "What's with the pause?"

And the bear says, "I was born with them."



Q: How do you blind a Chinese person?



A: Put a windshield in front of him.

O Livewire, my Livewire! 77,906 8
07/01/2003 09:36 AM

Hear the one about the... Paralegal, Programmer, ...and the empty office?



They kept kids in their community on line -- not on drugs.







Hmmm... I don't get it either.

Pubah the Free Pisser 47,449 11
07/01/2003 09:41 AM

I think you've killed the thread Livewire.

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
07/01/2003 09:42 AM

you know, there's a worst joke thread too, maybe you should take that over there.

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
07/01/2003 09:56 PM

Ok, I got this one from the tardblog, I could barely stop laughing when I read it. I need to get away from this place...it's corrupting me.



What is black and yellow and makes you laugh?



A bus full of black people rolling over a cliff.



Here's the entry with that in it.

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,045 8
07/01/2003 10:37 PM

I just read 20 mins of that tardblog site - it's Shakespearee. It's not even funny, regardless of the fact that it makes fun of disabled people...

Virnomine the Effluent 79,284 9
07/01/2003 10:40 PM

It's hilarious, how can you be posting to gab and not like the misfortunes of others?



I've read almost all of them now, and some of it is just brilliant.

Trae, Mistress of the Webinet 156,239 10
07/01/2003 10:42 PM

<action> winks



Hi my furry bundle of buttered goodness!

I am Captain-Obvious 1,397 8
07/01/2003 10:51 PM

What is the speed of sex?



68 mph...when you reach 69, you have to turn around.





Define Transvestite:



A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

JayDogg in the hizzouse 23,685 9
07/01/2003 10:53 PM

Whats another name for a lesbian?





Vagitarian

I am Captain-Obvious 1,397 8
07/01/2003 10:54 PM

sorry i already posted the last joke.

Columbocube 13,423 10
07/01/2003 11:12 PM

but it still isn't funny. hmm, I wonder why.

Eekstein 289 7
07/02/2003 12:25 AM

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

















Doughnuts.

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,045 8
07/03/2003 07:59 PM

Oh, I like making fun of other's pitiful circumstances as much as the next wanker, but only if it's funny

escape from the flying nun 1,409 7
07/15/2003 07:53 PM

there are three men standing on a building: an american, a canadian, and an irishman. the american says to the irishman:"you know, i bet the up-draft up here is so stong i could jump off and get blown right back up." the irishman doesn't beleive him, and bets him $50 he couldn't. the american says " you're on" and jumps off to be immediately blown right back up. the irishman pays him the $50 and says " that's amazing! i think i'll try it myself!" he then jumps off and falls to his death. and the canadian says to the american: "superman, you have a sick sense of humor".

ringworm 67,989 9
07/15/2003 08:12 PM

ahem

MongoLloyd 48,160 9
07/17/2003 08:17 PM

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found that they were unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?



For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "Reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two- hundred and fifty times."

Whistler 141,536 23
07/17/2003 09:00 PM

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

RabidChickens 238,110 14
07/17/2003 11:17 PM

Your dad's a sodomite.

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,045 8
07/18/2003 12:58 AM

a blonde walks into the dry cleaners and plops her laundry on the counter she asks "how much?"

the clerk a little hard of hearing looks up and says "come again" the blonde giggles and says "no it's just vanilla milkshake with a sprig of mint"

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,045 8
07/18/2003 12:59 AM

Come on.... it's been a while.

MongoLloyd 48,160 9
07/18/2003 01:00 AM

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my front door step, drinking a beer and watching my girlfriend mow the lawn. The lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I smiled and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass".

Geekzilla 954 9
07/18/2003 01:34 AM

How do you save a Pirate's life?





















Use CP-ARRRRRRRRRRR!

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 77,906 8
07/18/2003 02:07 AM

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners, plops her laundry on the counter, and asks, "How much?"



The dry cleaner, a little hard of hearing, says, "Come again?"



The blonde collapses on the floor in a sobbing fit and through a stream of tears shouts, "It's all true! I'm a filthy, filthy whore!"

Microcube - Hero of Love 13,423 10
07/18/2003 02:53 AM

wow, first john steals maddox's material, then a retarded zug poster steals his jokes.

MongoLloyd 48,160 9
07/18/2003 02:58 AM

Yeah, because all the other jokes in this thread were made up on the spot.



Which one is from Maddox?

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,045 8
07/18/2003 05:14 AM

Irony seems to be lost on you Cube - perhaps I can pound it into your face with a shovel?

Rick_Dammit 1,178 8
07/18/2003 11:39 AM

I hope this one isn't already posted



A blonde walks into a dry cleaners with a load of dirty laundry she asks "how much" the dry cleaner who is a little hard of hearing says "come again?"


Shakespeare I forgot the punchline