Best Comeback You've Ever Said Or Heard? A comedy conversation
by HoOHaA 246 10 06/24/2003 04:15 PM 27461 views
Um.. I think when one of my friends was a bit down because she had just broken up with her boyfriend, and this insensitive jerk off guy couldn't get it through his thivk skull why she was depressed.
It went like this:
Shakespeare head-Why are you so sad, it was only what? Five months? How can you be upset?
Me- Well you'll never get to find out since you've never had a girlfriend.
I mean i SNAPPED that guy! Like Two seconds went by and i ripped off his head and shoved it where it needed to be! And it is true, he has never had a girlfriend.
That was a great day, and the girl eventually got back together with her ex.
I've told this before but here's one more time for the newcomers:
I was in this bar with a girlfriend and we looked to the front of it and noticed that the entire crowd was male. We walk in further and see that there are a bunch of girls dancing up on the bars. Not just dancing mind you, but licking whip cream off eachother, getting naked etc etc.
A guy comes up to me and it goes a little something like this:
Guy: You should get up there and do that.
Me: I'll do it if you do it.
Guy: I'm not wearing underwear.
Me: Good, less to take off.
Guy: Well, I have a really small penis.
Me: Then why the hell are you talking to me then????
Wouldn't you know the teeny weeny boy followed me around all night?
A little bit of a verbal exchange had ensued between myself and my little fat Frost of a boss at Radio Shack. Most of the staff called him Little Hitler behind his back. Seriously, he's like 5'2", if that. I had landed another job but hadn't gotten around to telling him... yet...
Boss: "I don't like your attitude! Do you want to be transferred to another store?!"
Me: "You'd never do that. That would mean doing actual work and you're way too lazy for that."
Boss: "WHAT?!"
Me: "You. Are. Too. Lazy."
Boss: "GET THE Frost OUT!"
Me: "I'll be more than happy to leave. I can't stand being around you another second."
Boss: "I want your keys, your name tag, your employee card..."
Me: "Oh yeah, lemme put these down here where you can reach them, Mini-Me." (dropping items on floor)
Boss: "GET THE Frost OUT!"
Me: "I'm going, I'm going. By the way, I know you're really happy to get rid of me, but I'm starting a new job on Monday that pays almost twice as much, and you're still a fat little Frost working for Radio Shack. Who got the better end of this deal?"
That may very well have been the best day of my life.
When I was in the military, and we had night training, one of my fellow members had the tent light on after 10:00, this is a big no-no. Well, Master Sgt, stormed in and roared: "Who is responsible for this light?!!!" and without thinking I responded "Thomas Edison, sir !"
Oh, Best comebacks, sorry. I had some serious pushups and laps for that one.
While away for the weekend my college dorm room got searched and they found our bong. Monday we had to face the dean of dicipline it was decided I would go first, in retrospect this was a bad idea. Dean Wormer (not his real name) asked who was resposible for the bong. I said we all were, we were promptly fined $50 a piece. The dean then asked if we had any pot in our room. I said yep we got a 1/4 pound what say you come up and try out ya new bong.
A buddy of mine had a good comeback for the standard "I Frosted your mama" jabs:
Frosttard: I Frosted your mama!
Buddy: Oh yeah, she mentioned you! You must be short-dicked Larry! Please to meet you, Larry! By the way, I hope you double-bagged it. Otherwise you might want to get checked out at the clinic, know what I mean?
Yes, he rehearsed it ahead of time, but it was bloody funny.
n00b: There was this jock in my maths class at school and everyone was paying him out for being fat one day and then my teacher speaks up and says "Hey guys, leave him alone, once he's had the baby he'll be just fine." v. funny
Me: I'm doing a stand-up comedy gig at the royal theater.
Taxi Driver: Woah, that's a big theater. You good enough to fill it?
Me: Mate, you've got five seats in this car and you've only filled two of them.
Well that's what I would have said if I'd thought of it half an hour earlier. I'll remember it for next time. Next time a taxi driver says that to me, I'm gonna nail him. Cos I'm quick.
2 days ago in the lunch room, I was heating up some Kubie Dogs in the microwave. James, our 22 y/o warehouse Hobbit, was commenting about how they smelled delicious.
This, of course, let to him talking about his Wife, who is 5 months pregnant with what I can only refer to as "Proof-that-James-has-had-sex".
James: "My wife is really craving some weird things lately."
Me: [unenthused] Oh yeah..
J: "Yeah, She's had me running around for sausages for the past couple days. Not like Safeway brand smokies, But real authentic ones y'know?"
Me: Right.
J: "Another thing she's been craving is Nerds. Sausage and Nerds."
Me: Of course she craves nerds, She's your wife.
J: "..."
Me: ...
Me: That would've been better had there been someone else that hates you within earshot.
There was this guy in Graduate School at LSU I didn't like and he was in the Grad Student Office we shared with about 7 other students bitching about his Major Prof, and he goes "Professor Vandeverr can suck my Coleridge". and I goes. " I think he already flossed this morning."
At work me and my cousin were taking turns bringing boxes into the garage. I stopped to talk to my friend. My cousin comes with a stack that should have been mine. He then says "Don't worry, i took your load" I then told him that his mom did the same thing for me last night
I worked for campus security in college. They called us 'Perquisite Agents' because we worked 20-30 hours a week for room and board. ANYWAY...we had these staff meetings and one of the two, full time 'Security Officers' was a drunk, lazy knuckle draggin' fart smeller. We all spoke badly about him behind his back. However, due to being poor college students and wanting to continue our employment which provided us housing and food, we usually didn't say anything blatant about him being a sloth. I'll refer to lazy sloth man as 'Dave'.
The event:
Just before the meeting starts...
Dave: [To the half dozen Perqs and one other full timer] "These meetings are SO worthless."
Me: [Without thinking about what I was letting out of my small mind in to the form of sound...] "Let's not talk about worthless, Dave."
There was a moment of silence. I think everyone expected me to get fired on the spot. Then, everyone busted up laughing...except for ol' Dave. :) I even got to keep my job.
I was listening to a black man in High school, bitch about being oppressed, and how they are kept from succeeding in society because of the white man. I decided to shut him up.
Me: So the white man is keeping you down?
Black man: Yeah, and white people can get away with things that a black man would be arrested for.
Me: Like what?
Black man: Doing drugs, stealing a car, hanging out in gangs, murder?
Me: And white people don't get arrested for doing any of these things?
Black man: Not as often.
Me: So there are more blacks committing these acts?
Black man: No! Just those whites can get away with it.
Me: You know the ratio of whites to blacks in this city?
Black man: No.
Me: 1 to 4, that means for every white there are 4 blacks. Now tell me this. When was the last time you met 4 Native Americans?
Black man: Never, why?
Me: What about 3?
Black man: No, what's the point of this?
Me: 2?
Black man: Na, dude what are you talking about?
Me: 1?
Black man: No, man why are you talking about Indians?
Me: How old are you?
Black man: 17 why?
Me: So in 17 years of your life you never met any Native Americans?
Black man: No
Me: How many blacks have you met?
Black man: I don't know a lot.
Me: Well I hate to tell you this but you've just met one "Indian." Given the fact that blacks are hardly the minority here anymore, and you were not wiped out, I think you have no room to bitch about anything. Slavery isn't Shakespeare compared to genocide.
Lol this may be out of context because the comeback was sort of an accident...
Anyway we were in Maths class, and we all had to do these stupid problem solving questions. so after class was let go, the teacher calls up this one kid and says, "You need to be more optimistic" and he just replies "Your mum's optimistic". The teacher then yelled "What!?" And the kid just says "bye" and ran out the door. He was on holidays the whole next week though so by the time he got back the teacher had forgotten all about it. LOL it was still pretty funny though.
You had to be there (true story that I know I've told here before).
I was at the Coney Island Aquarium, about 20 years ago. They kept the walrus and a seal in the same outdoor tank.
The walrus was swimming around, just hoping for some peace and quiet, but the seal just sat on this concrete island, barking away at the walrus like Peg and Al.
Every minute or so, the walrus would dive deep, surface, then spit a good ten gallons of foetid aquarium water at the seal, which would only shut up the walrus' tormenter for 30 seconds or so before it resumed with the braying.
This water show caught the eye of a cugine with was there with his family. He had a very nice, tricked out Nikon SLR around his neck with which he incessantly snapped pictures of his obnoxious brood.
As we watched, the walrus seemed to get shy; he just bobbed on the surface of the water for a while, ignoring the seal, who showed no signed of modesty whatsoever.
The cugine, however, wanted a shot of what was obvious to him was the funniest thing he had ever seen in his life so he started yelling, "Yo, c'mon walrus! Spit! Spit, already, walrus!!!"
This went on for a few minutes. The walrus stared at the cugine, then he dove underwater. I could see his streamlined form moving at an alarmingly fast rate toward our side of the pool. I moved away from where I projected he would surface...
...which happened to be right in front of the cugine! Without warning, the walrus jumped out of the water and on to the lip of the pool. His head was above the edge of the protective glass wall and he unloaded a good dozen gallons of walrus-and-seal-pee laden fluid directly at the cugine's chest with the force of a fire hose.
When I was in junior high, my brother and I discovered that the Yellow Pages had advertisements for escorts. We knew that "escort" means "prostitute," and that "prostitute" means "awesome."
So we dialed one of the numbers.
BobJohnson: How much does it cost for, um, an evening of fun?
It was at Dark World, 12 years ago. Greg had said or done something to offend Johnny Bananas, which was pretty Frost-ing hard since Johnny--a Scot--was perpetually hammered and wouldn't noticed it if you melvined him before Frost-ing his mom right in front of him.
So the next day, I show up for rehearsal, and there's a sign taped on Greg's door. It has a crude picture of a girl with pigtails (Greg has always been a girlie man--ask me about Pink Floyd some day) and it says, "Go eat a bowl of Frost."
I once heard a comedian field a comment from a heckler, that was something like, "Oh...is that why you're so fat?"
The comedian responded with, "No...You know why I'm so fat? Cause every time that I Frost your mother in the ass, she pays me with a tiny little finger sandwich!"
I met a guy who seemed like a really good catch at first, but after the first couple of dates he began to act very controlling. I came home one day to find him cleaning my house. He had apparently made himself a key when he so generously offered to get the oil changed in my car a few days prior. Stupid me never even suspected that he might do such a thing!!! Anyway, he had evidently located some paraphernalia I had inherited from my hippie aunt. The exchange went something like this:
Me: What are you doing here?
Him: I decided to clean your house for you.
Me: How did you get in?
Him: I decided I needed my own key, so I had one made."
Me: Oookaay!....Why is my jewelry box on the table?
Him: That's going with me. There are marijuana supplies in it and I forbid you to have those.
Me: Kiss my what? At exactly what moment in history did you have sex with my mother?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, you're acting like you're my father or something!! I'm not into incest, so give me the f***ing key and get out!!
A friend of mine, Chris, and I went to a bar to watch a Pay Perview Mixed Martial Arts match when my other friend, Bob, called.
I told Bob what we were doing and he said "Great! I'll see you guys in about 15min."
Which translates to "Help me get away from the my crazy bitch girlfriend."
So he arrives with crazy bitch on his arm, orders a couple of drinks and sits at our table.
The C.B. is never happy and has to constantly complain.
C.B.: "Gawwwd, why are you watching this Shakespeare."
Me: "Pay attention to it and you might learn something."
C.B.: "Gawwwd, this is so gay. You two are a bunch of faggots for watching this Shakespeare."
Me: " I don't recall anyone inviting you. Could you please stop talking? I'm trying to pay attention to the fight."
C.B.: "Frost YOU FAGGOT!"
C.B.: "You stupid Frost-ing dick sucker!"
Me: "Oh yeah? Well you're fat."
Chris and I got to watch the rest of the matches in completed silence.
I highly recommend keeping that come back in your back pocket at all times.
Ok, so my friend is in class today and she notices one of the guys (he is kind of a dumb-ass) sharpening his pencil for ages! she yells across the room to him "Hey, what are you sharpening over there, Office Works?"
The other day my brother was eating a really yummy-looking piece of cake. As he was eating it a really big bit fell onto his plate, so I reached over and grabbed it. He was so mad at me, he is only nine you see. Anyway he turns to me and shouts in my face "I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU STEP IN LEGO!" Well he was even angrier at me when I burst out laughing even more at that!
So OK like I was totally in class the other day and like this boy who was like totally stupid said he had like totally more money than me. So I like totally turned round and like said "Your mom works at MacDonalds". He was like "No way!" but I was like "totally!"
My son came home from a week-long camp today. He shared with me that he and some other guys spent 20 minutes one day, telling "Yo Mama" jokes. I told him that was stupid.
Son: Yo Mama so stupid, when someone tells her to do the robot, she humps the dryer.
Me: You know, when you tell ME this kind of joke, you're talking about your grandmother.
My daughter, shouting from a different room: Well, grandma DOES spend a lot of time in the basement doing laundry.
C.B.: "Gawwwd, why are you watching this Shakespeare."
Me: "Pay attention to it and you might learn something."
C.B.: "Gawwwd, this is so gay. You two are a bunch of faggots for watching this Shakespeare."
Me: " I don't recall anyone inviting you. Could you please stop talking? I'm trying to pay attention to the fight."
C.B.: "Frost YOU FAGGOT!" C.B.: "You stupid Frost-ing dick sucker!"
Me: "Oh yeah? Well you're fat."
Pants, a friend of mine told me years ago, "A woman can't be a bitch if her mouth is full." In that situation, I'd give her a bucket of chicken to keep her quiet.
More retort than a comeback, but I recall one night my freshman year in college. I was pretty wasted at the time, which may make it a slightly more impressive feet of rapid thinking. I'd had kind of zoned out of the conversation, focusing on the rum and rum cocktail I was drinking, but a small group, mostly female, were discussing dick size and flexibility. One of them asked me a question I didn't catch exactly, so I kind of just slured, "huh?"
She clarified with, "Look, basically can you reach your our Emerson with your own dick?"
It may have been I was just drunk enough, but with less than half a second pause to consider I looked her right in the eye and said with an expresion of perfect seriousness, "Well sure I suppose, if I throw it back over my shoulder."
OK so i was at a party freshman year of high school, this senior was talking to a bunch of girls claiming he had a huge penis, so i proceded to say to him, "that nice, but unfortunatly i have a 3 incher" everyone laghs and was like "really?" me shutting him down i said, "yea, but some girls like it that thick" i was then set for the rest of the night =p
True story... back in the days before political correctness and right after the invention of the wheel.
I was talking in person with a female customer care rep at the office I worked at, and one of my co-workers stopped by to chat also. When he stopped by here, is what went down.
Her - "What do you have on, that smells so good?"
Him - "A hard on. But I didn't know you could smell it."
And he walks away. Funniest thing I have ever heard.
TRUE STORY
My Ex Girlfriend was such a snobby bitch.
I Went To the beach with my family and called her from the beach..
she broke up with me because she wanted alone time.
Well. I Was supposed to take her virginity but she broke up with me,
when i got back home we were still friends, got drunk. And I found out
she lost her virginity.
She grabbed me put me on the bed said Frost me Frost me...
I Said I Dont Frost Hoes. And I Told Her I Had To Piss, And I Walked Home...
LOL> (16 yrs old when this happend)
I'm not sure if this quite counts as a comeback, but I chuckled mildly:
Like everyone with a smartphone, I play Scrabble online with strangers. I played "orgasm" on a double-word, they immediately played "tact" on a triple-word.
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