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This is something I did years ago, so I feel a little dodgy about writing about it now, but it still illustrates a good point: you can get away with damn near anything, as long as people believe you're in charge.
It was the fall of 1999. Eaton's, one of Canada's venerable old department stores, was closing down for good. Everything was being cleared out. And I, being the consumer whore I am, wanted deals. So I braved the crowds at Burnaby's Eaton Centre Mall.
I needed some new aftershave. It's one of the few things I splurge on: I buy the good stuff. I went to the fragrance counter only to be snubbed by the soon-to-be-jobless clerk. She just kind of wandered off to another part of the store. Not a single staffer was within view. A crowd was building around the fragrance counter. I knew that even if someone did show up, I'd likely be the last one helped because I'm not pushy enough. I decided to take action.
I looked around to make sure no one was coming, and walked behind the counter. I opened the display case containing the items I was interested in, and checked out the prices. Unacceptably high. Before I could leave, one of the other impatient customers asked me to check out a price for him too. So I did. This even triggered a chain reaction. Other people who saw me helping this guy out started asking me for help as though I worked there. I had become staff. My recessive mischief gene kicked in. I located a name tag in a jar full of pens sitting on the counter. It read Pauline. I was now Pauline, the fragrance counter clerk. My buddy who had tagged along insisted I was going to jail, and left the area.
I started out helping people with their questions. I offered advice like, "Don't buy Polo. It smells like ass." Still no one questioned my authority, or the fact that I was named Pauline (although I was prepared to explain my name by telling them I'm French). I was rapidly becoming bored of my new job, so I started to get a little outrageous. I sprayed vast amounts of god-awful colognes on people looking for samples and didn't stop spraying until they ran away. I was finally able to prod one customer into getting angry with me. Angry enough to threaten to talk to the manager. I had been waiting for this.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir. The giving-a-rat's-ass department is located on the lower level near housewares. (Pause for dramatic effect) This is a closing out sale, remember? I'm out of a job in two weeks. How motivated do you think I am to ensure your complete satisfaction?"
I had more rant prepared, but by this point he just shook his head and walked away. It wasn't long after that, that I noticed a nearby cluster of store employees, with a tall official-looking guy in the middle. The staff were all talking and some were pointing at me. I had clearly overstayed my welcome, so I retired Pauline and calmly made for the exit.
That was the silliest thing I had ever done in my life, but it taught me an important lesson. If you pretend you're in charge, people will believe it. Worked for George W. Bush.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
122 votes
5.0
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13 Comments on "Feign Authority"
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MongoLloyd 48,662  14
08/06/2003 09:05 AM
Livewire, I will giggle all day, thinking about this, wishing I had done it.
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Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
08/06/2003 09:36 AM
So if you were behind the counter and no one was looking why didn't you get several bottles of the aftershave, leave a $5 on the counter and walk away? Now that would've been one hell of a deal on department store aftershave!
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Virnomine 79,386 11
08/06/2003 09:39 AM
yeah, you had the authority, slash prices!
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RabidChickens 286,326 61
08/06/2003 12:11 PM
I did the same exact thing last time I was in the gynocologist's office until Roseanne Barr walked in.
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Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
08/06/2003 12:12 PM
Chickens, are you trying to tell us something?
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Mookie on Wheels 17,582 13
08/06/2003 12:16 PM
I once stole a soda machine with six other guys dressed in coveralls as a high school prank.
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Anatole Livewiresky 78,229 13
08/06/2003 01:18 PM
I was wondering when this would get posted. With John's Journal in reruns, I thought maybe he would save up user articles, and then slowly release them over his vacation period.
I'm assuming he's on vacation somewhere. I don't remember if he said so.
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Xxara 1,114 9
08/06/2003 08:17 PM
Livewire...you will have to give me more details next time we are at Wazzubees....or at my brother's party.
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people say i am crazy 105 9
08/07/2003 05:10 PM
i love eskimos
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
08/07/2003 08:40 PM
I can understand paying $35 for a bottle of cologne that doesn't smell like muskrat ass extract, but aftershave? Why not just mix a capful of your fave skunk juice into a bottle of Neutrogena facial moisturizer? Does the designer stuff relieve the burn better than Stetson or Brut?
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Anatole Livewiresky 78,229 13
08/07/2003 10:21 PM
I need aftershave balm. The kind that has aloe and other soothing fluids mixed in. I have hyper-sensitive girly skin.
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Whistler P. McManus 185,889 44
11/25/2005 09:43 PM
This is my favorite Livewire article.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir. The giving-a-rat's-ass department is located on the lower level near housewares."
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Store
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