Stands with a Fish 86,684 14
07/17/2003 06:36 AM

What time would that be in Australian money?

Jaggylioness 11,895 13
07/17/2003 06:41 AM

4 degrees celsius.

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 78,229 13
07/17/2003 02:07 PM

Fine, you assmasters don't want my advice? See if I care!

RabidChickens 286,326 61
07/17/2003 02:14 PM

I've been thinking of confronting my mother about my feelings of inadequacy. What should I do?

Aimless 54,807 10
07/17/2003 02:16 PM

Dear AP,



I was recentley invited to a wedding of two "friends". I slept with the groom a few months ago and was wondering what the approperate outfit to wear to the weding would be? I was thinking something loose fitting. Also when should I tell him I'm pregnant? Before or after the first dance?

Eric Nguyen 23,705 11
07/17/2003 02:20 PM

People are waiting Livewire! please answer them before we take your crayon away.

ringworm 68,315 13
07/17/2003 02:23 PM

obviously, the best time to tell him is when the officiator calls for anyone w/ a problem to speak now or forever hold his / her piece. that, or put the abortion / obstetrician receipts in an envelope and leave it on the gift table at the reception.



as for what to wear, i don't know, seeing how it's too late for a damned diaphragm.

Aimless 54,807 10
07/17/2003 02:25 PM

How about I just leave the featus at the gift table?



Too tacky?

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 78,229 13
07/17/2003 02:28 PM

I've been thinking of confronting my mother about my feelings of inadequacy. What should I do?



Dear Chickens,



She'll probably murder you with a bread knife. So I say go for it. Tool.

Xxara 1,114 9
07/17/2003 02:28 PM

not if you let it dry off

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 78,229 13
07/17/2003 02:35 PM

Dear AP,



I was recentley invited to a wedding of two "friends". I slept with the groom a few months ago and was wondering what the approperate outfit to wear to the weding would be? I was thinking something loose fitting. Also when should I tell him I'm pregnant? Before or after the first dance?



Dear Aimless,



You think you should wear something loose fitting eh? Why not. Wear your own vagina.



About the zygote: best not to bring up the subject until someone asks. Like when the priest says, "...if anyone knows any reason why these two should not be joined in..." yadda yadda. But don't be nasty about it. Suggest that they adopt the child as their own. Call his wife a heartless Carroll if she refuses.



Also, since you're a whore, give the priest a blowjob so he'll keep his hands off the little boys.

Aimless 54,807 10
07/17/2003 02:38 PM

Maybe I should wrap it? I might ruin the "suprise" if I just plop it on the table. I was thinking white glade trash bag with a rubberband. Simple, yet elagant. Maybe I will hand print the note Martha Stewart style using some of the blood?

Aimless 54,807 10
07/17/2003 02:39 PM

I"M NOT A WHORE!!











I prefer "Vagionally Gifted."

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 78,229 13
07/17/2003 02:42 PM

Dear Aimless,



Depending on the size of the fetus, it might look really cute on the top of the wedding cake next to the plastic model of the happy couple.

Trixxie 65,021 15
07/17/2003 03:27 PM

Dear Livewire: I am reading this thread that sucks so bad I want to claw my own eyes out. What's worse is it a pale, pale imatation of some of the greatest threads GAB has ever know. Ask Auntie Trixxie. Therefore I am confiscating this thread. No one is to ask the unfunny assyholey any more guestions instead direct them to Auntie Trixxie and get certified, accredititied, actually funny and sometimes usefull advice. Love and Bless your Sweet Heart, your dear Aunt Trixxie.

ringworm 68,315 13
07/17/2003 03:29 PM

dear auntie trixxie,



will you be my mommy?

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
07/17/2003 03:32 PM

Dear Aunt Trixxie,



How can you say that this:



You think you should wear something loose fitting eh? Why not. Wear your own vagina.



is not one of the funniest things ever posted? Did you hit your head this morning?



Friends for ever,

MongoLloyd

Trixxie 65,021 15
07/17/2003 03:37 PM

My Precious Ringworm, I will be your Special Auntie and love you in that special mommy capacity and remember it is our little secret when I touch you in your happy place, you must never tell anyone. hugs and kisses, Auntie Trixxie.



My Marvalous MongoLyoyd:

Auntie knows that we have a lot new blood here on GAB now, and she is encouraged by their efforts to make with the funny, But, there are ground rules. Stretch out vagina jokes went out of style in 88 when Nancy Regaen left office. Stay Sweet and Retarded. Auntie Trix.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
07/17/2003 03:40 PM

Yeah, well, Livewire and me, we're retro.

Eric Nguyen 23,705 11
07/17/2003 03:43 PM

Aunt Trixxie,



I suffer from Youryou're misinterpretation disease. Can you help me tackle this horrifying disease?

Trixxie 65,021 15
07/17/2003 03:57 PM

Dear Twin: Auntie is a firm belivere that grammer and spelling rules are flexable and should be made up as one goes along to fit the situation to avoid the whole your, you're, yore sillyness. Allways you the transcendetal, subjunctive presbaterian form - your'

Trae 156,785 17
07/17/2003 04:02 PM

Dear Auntie Trixxie,



I seem to have developed a nonsensical crush on a fellow Gabber. I try to keep my mind off of his luscious goodness but I find my mind wandering a lot more then usual. Any ideas on how to keep my mind on the task at hand??



Toodles,

Trae

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 78,229 13
07/17/2003 04:05 PM

Dear Trixxie,



I am having trouble putting my thoughts into words. Phrases like "Go smoke a dick, you ass-ramming flamer" just don't seem appropriate to the situation.



My advice to you would be: Check out Aimless (noob) making with the funny, while Trixxie (geriatric) is salting the earth of this thread so that nothing may grow. Come back when you've passed the andropause stage.



Hope this helps, dear!

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
07/17/2003 04:05 PM

Isn't the at hand thing part of the problem?

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
07/17/2003 04:06 PM

Dear Absolute Prick

Is there a God?

Signed,

Questioning

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,077 10
07/17/2003 04:06 PM

Dear AP, I have a hairy back problem. And a hairy front. And sides. Frost it, i'm a stoat.



What should I do?

Eric Nguyen 23,705 11
07/17/2003 04:14 PM

Dear Auntie Trixxie,



Seeing your' the only living relative that will aknowledge me, I have a personal question for you:



Do you (meaning all Homo's in general) use Coleridgerings?

If so have you ever had an incident where teh c0ck ring never returned from the Toothless wonder?

Trixxie 65,021 15
07/17/2003 04:19 PM

Trae, My most beloved - I am sure Mr. Gardenback would be delighted to play hide the salimi with you. Auntie will even lend you the air-fare. Have fun and try not to scream so loud you wake up the niegbors this time. Your sweet sis, Trix.

Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
07/17/2003 04:22 PM

Dear Auntie Trixx,



I'm starting to get prick arms. No, my arms are not penis shaped. They are starting to get noticably bigger from my working out as of late. I wanted to get all cut up like Brad Pitt in Fight Club, but instead my arms are getting big like a preppy boys, i.e. Prick Arms. In a month or so, I'm gonna have to buy a white hat, turn it backwards and get a band tatooed on my bicep! What to do?

Trae 156,785 17
07/17/2003 04:23 PM

Dear Auntie,



While Gardenback is deelish, he is not the object of this particular obesession. It is another GABBER who is the reciever of my affections. As far as the screaming goes, I don't think that was the problem, damn squeaky beds.



How do I keep that from happening in the future?



Kisses,

Trae

Trixxie 65,021 15
07/17/2003 04:24 PM

Livewire: Bless your Sweetheart:



Auntie thinks the trouble may not be so much putting thoughts into words as it is Having thoughts. Here is my recommend tutorial.

http://www.philosophyandevolutionofmodernthought.htm

Kisses Trixx

Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
07/17/2003 04:24 PM

Dear Trae,



WD-40

Trixxie 65,021 15
07/17/2003 04:27 PM

Sweetest Slanteyed ting Peenier: Yes all homos use Coleridgerings it's in the regulations at 89:214,(R)(U)(1)(2) If your' having trouble losing the Coleridge ring it is time to switch from Frost-ing to fisting.

Stay Tight, Aunt Trixxie.

Trixxie 65,021 15
07/17/2003 04:32 PM

Dear Sweet, Sweet, Scumptious, Young Stud Muffen: The subject of the beautification of such a perfec bod, deserves serious reply. I take it you are trying to bulk using weights. NO, NO, NO, wireyness would be better optained from exercise that increases instead of decreases flexability. Lots of Stretching and some pilates or martial arts be the ticket: Stay fine, and Remember. The enemy is gravety and it can only be contained and then only for a time, never defeated. Love and a ColeridgesMoke, Trixxie.

Trixxie 65,021 15
07/17/2003 04:36 PM

Trae, next time yor in bed wit some fine, cut, hung mother fuka, who got you juices flowing like niagra falls in flood season, spread som dat pusay juice on the spring. Peace Out. T. Ricksey

Trae 156,785 17
07/17/2003 04:40 PM

Good God I love you!

Eric Nguyen 23,705 11
07/17/2003 04:41 PM

Yes! You are my favorite ButtFroster of all time!





Long Live Trixxie!!



Hooray!

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 78,229 13
07/17/2003 05:00 PM

Dear Trixxie,



You stated earlier that this thread was so unfunny you were close to clawing your own eyes out. Considering that you've felched most of the humour out of my "Emerson" thread with your last few pointless posts, would you mind following through with the clawing? On webcam, s'il vous plait. I think I speak for everyone when I say that that would be funny as Frost.

Eric Nguyen 23,705 11
07/17/2003 05:03 PM

Is that funny like "Ha ha"? Or funny like Trixxie funny?

Trixxie 65,021 15
07/17/2003 05:11 PM

Well it sure ain't funny like Livewire the Candian Copper Yeti funny, cause that would be Funny NOT

RabidChickens 286,326 61
07/17/2003 05:15 PM

The wearing something loose like your vagina comment was sheer genius.



Much as my love goes out to the Trix, she's stealing your thread, Livewire.



She had performed many the advice from the beloved Trix thread in the past, and this is a completely diffent bent advice column. Advice from an Emerson. I love the concept. Keep up the good work.





Trix, you bitch, start your own thread, blessyourheartandkissyouonthemouth.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
07/17/2003 05:16 PM

Now, now, Auntie Trixxx, Livewire, you're BOTH funny.

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 78,229 13
07/17/2003 06:29 PM

It's no use. I've gona flaccid.

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 78,229 13
07/17/2003 06:30 PM

"gona"? I think my Italian accent is showing. Make that "gone".



They should have some kind of preview function on Gab.

Doc 7,105 13
07/17/2003 06:32 PM

My absolute prick advice would probably be to tell the ladies to pay more attention to the head. Past the circumcision line there is not much feeling and you are wasting your time.

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,077 10
07/17/2003 08:17 PM

Chickens, that Trixx you lovingly refer to as 'she' and kiss on the mouth happens to be a guy.

Fluro 14,139 11
07/17/2003 08:20 PM

Chickens has met him. (i think)



you= need to read more historic threads.

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 78,229 13
07/17/2003 08:23 PM

When I read old threads, I have the urge to sob uncontrollably.



Are you sure Gab was funnier back then?

Fluro 14,139 11
07/17/2003 08:27 PM

Ill be buggerd. The more things change the more they stay the same.....





There are some great ones out there, though.

Hot Buttered Stoat 9,077 10
07/17/2003 08:31 PM

<action>sobs quietly in the corner</action>



Apologies for my ignorance - I should have known to search through 3 years worth of threads to find out if he knew him

Holiday Hogan 720 12
07/17/2003 09:15 PM

Dear Aunt Trixxie,



Its been awhile since I last wrote in. Since then, I have met a girl and we have started making whoopie. Unfortunately, she refuses to let me butt snorkel. She also will not let me pound her in the "backdoor" with my rod, which you well know, is sort of intimidating. I have tried to ease her fears of tears and excruciating pain by putting my trixxie stick in a baby sock, simulating rear entry. No go.

How do I convince her???



Coleridgeblocked,

Holiday Hogan

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 78,229 13
07/18/2003 12:08 AM

<action>re-threadjacks the thread.</action>Dear Holiday Hogan,



My suggestion to you would be to purchase a dildo approximately the size of your Coleridge, then lube it up and repeatedly ram it hard into your own cornhole. As soon as your woman sees the looks of orgasmic pleasure on your face, she's bound to bend for you.



Also, you're gay. ShakespeareColeridge.

Tallsup 202 9
07/18/2003 12:39 AM

Dear Aunt Trixxie I have been going with this girl with a glass eye and a wooden foot. The other night I got drunk and carved her foot in to a duck, Do you think I should tell her, or should I just say nothing?

Peacekeeping Missile 79 10
07/18/2003 12:50 AM

How exactly do I hint to the lil' missus that the 10 pounds or so she's decided annex mostly to her ass is completely unappreciated?









And oh..my recently acquired 25lb. residing overwhelmingly midfrontal but also noticeable, a moderate amount of oppertune backfat..Completely not relevant.

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 78,229 13
07/18/2003 01:19 AM

Dear Tallsup,

She'll notice the carving for sure. Get her obscenely drunk until she passes out. Steal the duck and burn it. When she comes to, tell her that while she was drunk, a stranger bet $1,000 against her wooden foot that she could eat 6 saltines in 60 seconds.



Plus, while she's unconscious you can pop out her glass eye and skull Frost her.

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 78,229 13
07/18/2003 01:37 AM

Dear Peacekeeping Missile,

That is a touchy subject isn't it. I recommend getting a screen capture of the naked Kathy Bates in the movie At Play in the Fields of the Lord and printing some copies poster size, cutting them to fit and taping them over all the mirrors in the house. When she sees how fat she has become, she'll stop eating sticks of butter for a snack. Here is a small sample taken from About Schmidt, which you're probably going to masturbate to now, you sick fat Frost.

Frogpimp 173,148 25
07/18/2003 01:53 AM

you could also use About Schmidt, NIGGA!

ringworm 68,315 13
07/18/2003 02:14 AM

that is one big bitch.

Triptych 4 10
07/18/2003 03:27 AM

Dear Prickhead,

I recently met a lovely young woman,she is sweet,funny,and very talented,She can put her feet behind her neck and spin like a top while making her vulva pulsate to the rhythmic tune"Kitty Control".

I guess my question is do you think we could have any sort of lasting relationship?or should I just keep her locked up in the tool shed and use her as a weedeater?

Triptych 4 10
07/18/2003 03:28 AM

Dear Prickhead,

I recently met a lovely young woman,she is sweet,funny,and very talented,She can put her feet behind her neck and spin like a top while making her vulva pulsate to the rhythmic tune"Kitty Control".

I guess my question is do you think we could have any sort of lasting relationship?or should I just keep her locked up in the tool shed and use her as a weedeater

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 78,229 13
07/18/2003 03:33 AM

Dear Triptych,

If your skills with a clitoris are anything like your skills with the internet, the tool shed option is definitely for you.



Mind you, you're so dense you probably couldn't tell the difference between a woman and a weed whacker anyway. The world would be a better place if you chopped your dick off.

Trixxie 65,021 15
07/18/2003 11:17 AM

Holiday, God of the Huge Penis: Livewire wasn't too far off. Get a smallish dildo, and when anally stimulating a man or women. remember, you are not in a hurry or under stress. Relax, Relax, Relax, Plenty of genital stimulation, and only insert, start with you finger, when you feel the spincter muscle go from rigid to relaxed. Oh and turn about is fair play, A hand job and a finger up the bum at the same time is the katt's ass.

Hot Basted Stoat 9,077 10
07/18/2003 11:22 AM

You're possibly the most disturbing person i've met

Trixxie 65,021 15
07/18/2003 12:59 PM

weave never met

Eric Nguyen 23,705 11
07/18/2003 01:02 PM

*doh*

Eric Nguyen 23,705 11
07/18/2003 01:25 PM

Hi I am______________Fill in the blank

Xxara 1,114 9
07/18/2003 01:28 PM

Dear Prick Head & Aunty Trixxie I think instead of fighting for the thread you guys should do a "He said" "She said" type thing...so we can have advice from two different points of view..that way double the funny.

Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
07/18/2003 01:42 PM

Kind of like that old ZUG feature with the young guy and the geezer. What was that called again?

Livewire, Iron Chef Canadian 78,229 13
07/18/2003 01:58 PM

That's actually not a bad idea. Mind you I'd be tempted to steal Dan Aykroyd's schtick: "Trixxie, you ignorant slut!"