The Tilt-a-Whirl
A comedy article
by BobJohnson  178,045  22
08/31/2003 07:56 PM 557 views
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I'm not homophobic (and I'm also not gay), but the other day I was thinking about what the most awkward, homosexual-like experiences of my life have been. I guess I don't mean my most homosexual experiences (like, in the privacy of my own home, pausing the James Bond movie to look at a close-up of Sean Connery). I mean, incidents where other people probably thought I was gay.
For example, a couple months ago there was a fair in town. I went with one of my friends, his fiance, and his fiance's sister. It started out OK. We watched a lame freak show, in which the host made what he probably thought were clever references to quantum physics, like "We live in the third dimension, but quantum physics predicts many dimensions." Now I understand what he meant, but come on! "We live in the third dimension"?! I expect better science from the host of a traveling freak show!
But back to my awkward gay experience: The four of us decided that before we left, we should go on at least one ride. My friend's fiance immediately decided that any rides that move faster than 10 mph are scary. So we wasted half an hour waiting in line for the Tilt-a-Whirl (half an hour being exactly enough time for my buddy and his fiance to get into an argument, and the Tilt-a-Whirl being the single gayest ride of all time). My friend's fiance (let's call her Susan) was very upset with my friend (let's call him John). So Susan refused to sit with John, and instead sat with her sister. This left me in the awkward position of either just getting off the ride, for which I had already paid good money, or sitting with my male friend on the single gayest ride of all time.
As John and I sat down together in the Tilt-a-Whirl cup, we cracked some jokes nervously. (By "cracked some jokes," I mean we said, "This sure looks gay, doesn't it?" and "I hope no one I know is watching"). I was already embarrassed even before the ride started. I could practically read the minds of the dozens of people waiting in line who were watching us. They were thinking, "Are they a couple?" It probably didn't even cross their minds that two perfectly heterosexual, 22-year-old males would sit together for a casual ride in the Tilt-a-Whirl.
Once the ride got going, we decided to make the most of it. We started adjusting our weight to make the ride spin, and I called out, "Wheeeee!" Seriously, I said, "Wheeeee!" Just to demonstrate to onlookers that I was comfortable being in such a gay situation, I yelled out the single gayest thing ever. "Wheeeee"? (I mean, if I were gay, I would definitely be Rock-Hudson-gay, not Liberachi-gay. But I think "Wheeeee" is much more a Liberachi thing).
Afterwards, as the four of us were walking away from the third-most-gay-experience-of-my-life (seriously, only third), I walked past someone from work. It was terrible. I have no idea if this guy even saw me on the Tilt-a-Whirl, but for the last two months, I haven't been able to look him in the eye. Now everytime I see this co-worker, I know he's thinking one of two things. If he saw me on the Tilt-a-Whirl, he's thinking "I can't believe he's gay." But if he didn't see me on the Tilt-a-Whirl, he's thinking, "I wonder why he acts so nervous around me and can't look me in the eyes. Maybe he's gay."
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
87 votes
5.0
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32 Comments on "The Tilt-a-Whirl"
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John Hargrave 128,746  73
09/10/2003 04:36 PM
Not to be critical or anything, but that article made you sound totally gay.
Seriously, I enjoyed it. Thanks for submitting.
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Whistler 185,889 44
09/10/2003 04:39 PM
Dude, your name is "Bob Johnson." It's not like we didn't already know.
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sockk action 702 10
09/10/2003 05:04 PM
this is the most neurotic thing i have ever read.
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BobJohnson 178,045 22
09/10/2003 05:08 PM
Well, at least I got my first negative clicky. Now I don't have to worry about when that will happen. . .
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Kentucky Fried Chickens 286,326 61
09/10/2003 05:10 PM
YOU LOST YOUR CHERRY!
That's worth a make up click.
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psychaholic, a bear of very little peen 4,888 13
09/10/2003 05:25 PM
The funny thing about people thinking you are gay, is that they would have to visualize some kind of gay sex. It's how the mind works.
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
09/10/2003 09:06 PM
Dude, you are either gay or a homophobe. Take your pick. If you like anal sex, giving or receiving, with a woman or not, you're gay. If you worry that people think you're gay, you're a homophobe. But before you make up your mind, suck a couple of dicks just to be sure.
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BobJohnson 178,045 22
09/10/2003 10:11 PM
Yeah. It does sound pretty homophobic. Oh well. . . too late to retract my submission. I thought it was funny when I wrote it.
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BobJohnson 178,045 22
09/10/2003 10:12 PM
But before you make up your mind, suck a couple of dicks just to be sure.
I may have to steal this line sometime.
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
09/11/2003 12:10 AM
That line is my personal favorite especially at design meetings.
"So, Boots, what do you think of integrating the GUI parse with the init code segs?"
"Great, but I think we should suck a couple of dicks just be sure."
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Frogpop in a box 173,148 25
09/11/2003 01:07 AM
so you work at Trae's office too?
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jpbrnidgrl 0 9
09/11/2003 11:57 AM
Hey, I read your site regularly and usually laugh out loud (my favorite is the credit card signatures story). However, as a lesbian, I'm a little uncomfortable with this one. If you're worried someone thinks you're gay, that likely means you think being gay is a bad thing somehow. And I believe that thinking is homophobic. There's nothing wrong with being different from one another. I hope you can find a way to worry less about what people think of you, and more about what you think of yourself and others.
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PuggyD 48,304 12
09/11/2003 11:59 AM
She's a witch! Burn her!
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Virnomine 79,386 11
09/11/2003 12:11 PM
a lesbian huh? so are you a hot lesbian or one of those wildebeast lesbians that no guy would have sex with so you played for the other team ones?
If it's #1, lets see some pictures. If it's #2, please don't tell me, it'll ruin my fantasies.
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The Foot 14,139 11
06/04/2004 02:52 AM
Wow! Look at that! the opinon of a real gay person! We've never seen that before now on Gab have we?
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Dead Robot 67,630 16
06/04/2004 08:06 AM
Weak. Good premise. Went nowhere.
I bet your thighs touched.
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Therlin 12,200 13
06/04/2004 09:15 AM
Virn, there is no such thing as a hot lesbian. My bf and I took my boss out to some gay bars one night and a lifetime of fantasy went down the drain.
On the positive side, he now knows how to correctly rewire the house.
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
06/04/2004 10:46 AM
Did you start a nuclear war?
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StormKat 2,051 9
06/04/2004 02:22 PM
Isn't homophobia the fear of houses?
And why are you so worried about being happy?
How could this story have offended an actress?
I'm so confused...
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CSI: Dead Robot 67,630 16
06/20/2004 09:54 PM
We dont take "gay" as an insult. We take insult to boring, stupid things being called "gay"
Like your post.
Besides. We call you heteros "breeders". The other day I refered to human sexual response as a viral attack upon nature.
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BobJohnson, Tiger Trainer Extraordinaire 178,045 22
06/20/2004 09:58 PM
I'd like to point out that this article was one of my first posts on GAB.
. . . And, geez, I was a whinny pansy when you guys maha'd it.
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Peach Pie 0 4
06/05/2008 09:56 PM
To the OTHER Lesbian:
Stop being so god damned offended by everything. I possibly don't mean you but maybe the other 536,754,356 Gay/Lesbian/Transexual,Black, Hispanic, White, Stupid, Moronic.... people out there. I used to be a lesbian in high school...ha a novel concept. I don't understand why people are so touchy. If you are truly open minded you can sit back and laugh and appreciate how uncomfortable he is with his sexuality.
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syncope 49,019 14
06/05/2008 10:06 PM
A triumphant rebuttal five years in the making. Bravo.
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Aphrodite 2,261 13
06/05/2008 10:52 PM
Look Bob, you're already pretty popular arround here. You really don't need to pay your un-funny, severely retarded great niece in law go digging up your oldest Shakespeare to remind us that you've always been great. Now, maybe you should whipe the drool off her chin and drive her back to the hospital before they call the cops.
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Mung Champ 35,886 35
06/05/2008 10:56 PM
Now, maybe you should whipe the drool off her chin and drive her back to the hospital before they call the cops.
He should have sex with her first.
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Aphrodite 2,261 13
06/05/2008 11:08 PM
If he wasn't already, I'd be severely disappointed.
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Midgets 96,054 48
06/06/2008 12:40 AM
I possibly don't mean you but maybe the other 536,754,356 Gay/Lesbian/Transexual,Black, Hispanic, White, Stupid, Moronic....
There's more "hispanics" than that in the house down the block.
And I'm pretty sure they prefer to be called "tortilla chuckers".
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Peach Pie 0 4
06/08/2008 12:52 AM
I apologize, when I came across this article in the ZUG Today 'Fresh batch o' funny', I assumed it was somewhat recent. Blame mis-categorization or me, none of which will make you feel better. I've lurked on Zug for years now, but not until recently have I felt the burning need to 'delightfully' string crude obscenities together and call them witty. You guys are very influential in that department.
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csme 15,189 12
06/09/2008 02:38 PM
You're 22?
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Funkmaster BobJohnson 178,045 22
06/09/2008 03:09 PM
To an observer traveling at the correct relative velocity, I suppose.
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JazzyApples 0 4
06/09/2008 09:49 PM
Well, despite the fact that this topic was kind of dead... It's now been revived, so...
I'd just like to say that my gayest moment, through a sick twist of events, was when I found myself on the ground, with the lips of another man on my own. That happened about a year ago.
...
Beat that!
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