Merkin 10,008 13
09/04/2003 07:11 PM

<action>shoots self in face

HemLloyd 48,662 14
09/04/2003 07:12 PM

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

El Volante 10,315 10
09/04/2003 07:13 PM

For Trae:



I've always been afriad of clowns, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was that time my father took me to the circus and a clown killed him.

ringworm 68,315 13
09/04/2003 07:31 PM

something about not taking a dog up on the space shuttle, because he'll want to stick his head out the window, and his face will burn off upon re-entry.



sorry i can't remember it verbatim.

Heather wearing a mask 520 10
09/04/2003 07:45 PM

Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.

Mythology: Your trusted No Name Brand 4,891 11
09/04/2003 07:47 PM

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them

Statickitten. Look! I'm a spork! 24,428 11
09/04/2003 07:48 PM

When I'm having a bad day I just punch mythology in the ear. I feel a lot better after that.

HemLloyd 48,662 14
09/04/2003 07:49 PM

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

Livewire 78,229 13
09/04/2003 10:13 PM

[CTRL-V]

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

HemLloyd 48,662 14
09/04/2003 10:17 PM

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

HemLloyd 48,662 14
09/04/2003 10:19 PM

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Feeble, Knight of the Old Code 32,400 15
09/04/2003 10:21 PM

If you ever drop your car keys in molten lava, just forget about them, because, baby, they're gone.

HemLloyd 48,662 14
09/04/2003 10:23 PM

My last one, i promise



It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/04/2003 10:57 PM

One that I use often:



I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

Heather wearing a mask 520 10
09/05/2003 12:05 AM

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancerShakespeare each other.

Eric Nguyen 23,705 11
09/05/2003 12:18 AM

Wasn't that Dennis Leary?

Bagpuss 1,889 13
09/05/2003 06:14 AM

In weightlifting, I don't think that sudden uncontrollable urination should automatically disqualify you.



The crows are calling my name, though Caw.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 08:45 AM

No, that wasn't Dennis Leary, it was Jack Handy.

Mythology: Your trusted No Name Brand 4,891 11
09/05/2003 12:30 PM

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.









If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 12:34 PM

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 12:35 PM

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 01:41 PM

<action>breaks his promise</action>

Probably to a shark, the funniest thing ever is a wounded seal trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

dinesh 24,862 16
09/05/2003 02:03 PM

i love jack handy. too much, i think. it's just exactly my style of humor.



carry on.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 02:44 PM

I had to stop reading them - because I can't stop laughing.

PooFooMooShoo 1,445 10
09/05/2003 02:49 PM

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

PooFooMooShoo 1,445 10
09/05/2003 02:49 PM

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 02:58 PM

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.





BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

PooFooMooShoo 1,445 10
09/05/2003 03:03 PM

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"







these are Frost-ing hilarious

PooFooMooShoo 1,445 10
09/05/2003 03:06 PM

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 03:06 PM

<action> wipes tears from eyes, snorts



If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 03:28 PM

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then I could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

dinesh 24,862 16
09/05/2003 03:31 PM

heh, the dummy one is my favorite.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 03:32 PM

My favorite one is something about a flamingo... I can't find it though.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 03:35 PM

Here's how to find it.



While viewing this page, type Ctrl+f, then type "flamingo" in the "Find what" field and hit "enter" and you will be taken to the post where I posted the flamingo one.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 03:39 PM

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 03:40 PM

Holy Crap, this must stop or I'm gonna pee my pants.





As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Kentucky Fried Chickens 286,326 61
09/05/2003 03:40 PM

HOLY Shakespeare, MONGO! THAT'S COOL!!





...umm, I mean, yeah, whatever. I already knew all about that. Pshaw.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 03:43 PM

Chack - stick with me, I'll teach you all the keyboard shortcuts that you already know.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 03:43 PM

It's ok, Chickens.... I didn't know it either.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 03:43 PM

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

The Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
09/05/2003 03:45 PM

Lloyd, do you know how difficult it is for me not to look like a complete twat when I read that? I'm in a library trying desperately to stifle my laughter.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 03:46 PM

Chi - Just consider it repayment for all the times at school when all the kids looked at me like "oh, there goes the old guy again, laughing at that site with the poop and the steaks and stuff on it" after I read one of your posts.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 03:49 PM

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Chance 171,270 14
09/05/2003 03:49 PM

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 03:50 PM

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 03:52 PM

<action> stifles laughter, shoots water out her nose



When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 03:52 PM

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them

own? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 03:53 PM

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Chance 171,270 14
09/05/2003 03:54 PM

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

The Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
09/05/2003 03:55 PM

Lloyd: The circle is now complete. I was once the learner, now I am the master.



Chi: Only the master of evil, Lloyd!



*light saber fight!*

Bunny Wuz Here 5,695 11
09/05/2003 03:57 PM

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 03:58 PM

BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!





I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

PooFooMooShoo 1,445 10
09/05/2003 04:00 PM

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Bunny Wuz Here 5,695 11
09/05/2003 04:00 PM

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait... not me, you.

PooFooMooShoo 1,445 10
09/05/2003 04:01 PM

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

Chance 171,270 14
09/05/2003 04:02 PM

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

PooFooMooShoo 1,445 10
09/05/2003 04:03 PM

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

Kentucky Fried Chickens 286,326 61
09/05/2003 04:06 PM

Who is this guy? I can't seem to find any pics on the net of him. Does he just make records?

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 04:09 PM

He's a Saturday Night Live character. You never see the face, just hear the words.



They don't do the "Deep Thoughts" bit anymore though, now it's something like "The world's biggest novel" or something like that.

Chance 171,270 14
09/05/2003 04:09 PM

We used to laugh at grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

PooFooMooShoo 1,445 10
09/05/2003 04:10 PM

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

El Volante 10,315 10
09/05/2003 04:13 PM

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.

El Volante 10,315 10
09/05/2003 04:14 PM

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 04:14 PM

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not mean to poor people, like I am now.

Chance 171,270 14
09/05/2003 04:15 PM

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy you'd probably have to run up on him real quick to give it to him.

El Volante 10,315 10
09/05/2003 04:15 PM

And my favorite:



If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

The Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
09/05/2003 04:16 PM

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

Bunny Wuz Here 5,695 11
09/05/2003 04:16 PM

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because... come on, life is funny.

Bunny Wuz Here 5,695 11
09/05/2003 04:17 PM

Or if YOUR pants fall down

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 04:17 PM

That was my favorite too - - already posted. You can't just ride in here on your wild and crazy donkey, post, then ride off.

The Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
09/05/2003 04:17 PM

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

El Volante 10,315 10
09/05/2003 04:18 PM

Last two, I must stop this.



I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.



If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 04:18 PM

You try to stop. But you can't.

El Volante 10,315 10
09/05/2003 04:19 PM

Frost-ing Shakespeare, I looked through them all and everything. Sowwy tway.

Bunny Wuz Here 5,695 11
09/05/2003 04:19 PM

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Chance 171,270 14
09/05/2003 04:20 PM

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

The Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
09/05/2003 04:20 PM

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.



Trae's right, you can't stop!!

Chance 171,270 14
09/05/2003 04:24 PM

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
09/05/2003 04:24 PM

I've been a teacher for many years, and some of my

non-teacher friends used to say I see the world through

rose-colored glasses. I correct them and tell them

that I see it through a rose-colored rifle scope.

Now they don't seem to bug me about it anymore.

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
09/05/2003 04:24 PM

w00p! No one has posted my two favorites yet.



Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.



Lori was offended when I used the word "puke," but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 04:25 PM

<action>can't stop either!!!</action>



If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Chance 171,270 14
09/05/2003 04:26 PM

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

MongoLloyd 48,662 14
09/05/2003 04:26 PM

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Chance 171,270 14
09/05/2003 04:27 PM

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 04:31 PM

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.

D-Stock 2,210 10
09/05/2003 04:32 PM

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 04:32 PM

BHAHAHAHAHA "chirp rat"

Chance 171,270 14
09/05/2003 04:33 PM

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

PooFooMooShoo 1,445 10
09/05/2003 04:35 PM

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

D-Stock 2,210 10
09/05/2003 04:36 PM

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

PooFooMooShoo 1,445 10
09/05/2003 04:37 PM

I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.

Chance 171,270 14
09/05/2003 04:38 PM

As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.

D-Stock 2,210 10
09/05/2003 04:39 PM

Wow, this is like the free clickies thread for just copying and pasting!!

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
09/05/2003 04:39 PM

Chance, this thread is not about Fuzzy Memories, thank you very much.

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
09/05/2003 04:39 PM

I did mine from memory, bitch.

PooFooMooShoo 1,445 10
09/05/2003 04:40 PM

Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)

PooFooMooShoo 1,445 10
09/05/2003 04:41 PM

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 04:43 PM

Chance, this thread is not about Fuzzy Memories



What about fuzzy mammories?

Chance 171,270 14
09/05/2003 04:51 PM

Mavis suck my ass!! I'm adding to the thread the ones I like. Sorry my memory is not as well as yours but THEY ARE FUNNY!!!! If I offend you with my copy and paste routine then don't read them!

PooFooMooShoo 1,445 10
09/05/2003 04:51 PM

chance are you on yahoo IM?

Chance 171,270 14
09/05/2003 04:52 PM

Not right now, should I be?

Bunny Wuz Here 5,695 11
09/05/2003 04:52 PM

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

AmyPoo has a tan! 2,710 12
09/05/2003 04:55 PM

if our bodies are temples like they say, i sure hope God likes burritos, cause that's what he's getting.

Livewire 78,229 13
09/05/2003 04:56 PM

This one's long, but it always makes me laugh:



Dear ____________:



I represent Jack Handey, who is the author and copyright owner of a body of written work known collectively as Deep Thoughts. Mr. Handey's work has appeared under that title on network television and in books and other media.



Material that appears on the Internet under the URL http://__________________ has not been authorized or licensed by Mr. Handey and therefore infringes his exclusive rights in his protected work.



I refer specifically to the extensive list of individual Deep Thoughts copied and displayed on that web page.



I am writing to advise you that unless the described material is removed from the Internet page cited above by close of business on September 9, 2003, Mr. Handey will act promptly to pursue every legal remedy available to him.



These remedies include but are not limited to 1) formal notification of the Internet Service Provider through which the cited material is displayed that the infringing pages must be made unavailable to users as provided in the Digital Millenium Copyright Act, and 2) pursuit of a federal court judgment and award of money damages under the federal Copyright Act against all individuals or entities who participated in wrongfully copying and distributing Mr. Handey's work in the manner described above.



The date for compliance with the demands of this letter is intended to provide ample time for consultation with an attorney and removal of the infringing materials.





Sincerely,



David Tomlin



dtomlin76@yahoo.com

dtomlin@yahoo.com

Livewire 78,229 13
09/05/2003 05:15 PM

And here's my bulk-rate bargain post where I just slap all my favourites in one. Might be a good idea to swallow your beverage before starting.



The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.



Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.



I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.



What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.



We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.



Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.



Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.



Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!



I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.



The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 05:15 PM

Livewire is a thread killer!

Livewire is a thread killer!

Livewire is a thread killer!

Livewire is a thread killer!

Livewire is a thread killer!

Livewire is a thread killer!

Livewire is a thread killer!

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
09/05/2003 06:25 PM

These are funny as hell too, but I will save everyone the effort of copying and pasting.

Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/05/2003 06:26 PM

How tidy of you...

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
09/05/2003 06:29 PM

I read them often. They still make me laugh.







resisting... temptation... to... post... favorites...

Hammerhead, Now In Feelaround! 59,399 14
09/29/2003 05:19 PM

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."