Never Buy A Men's Magazine Again
A comedy article
by The Chi-Chi Fellipe  161,353  14
09/05/2003 03:20 PM 12349 views
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 As of this writing, there are three major contenders in the men's magazine industry: Maxim, Stuff, and to a lesser extent, FHM. The three magazines are nearly indistinguishable in content. They feature pictures of popular examples of the ideal female figure. Then they mash together a hodgepodge of male advice and male-themed articles to fill the pages between the pictures of semi-nude celebrities. (In journalism, this is called "padding.") The purpose of these articles is to help you, the man, become better at being a man.
It was the summer of 1997 when Maxim magazine first hit shelves and started the entire man-magazine explosion. It used to be that when I was too embarrassed to buy a copy of Playboy to satiate my carnal desires, I would buy a Maxim. It then became a habit. Maxim and Stuff make excellent bathroom reading. After a while, though, I began to notice a pattern develop. Every few months, the articles would simply repeat themselves. Not repeated verbatim, but cleverly rearranged to present the same idea in a different way. So I stopped buying men's magazines for a while. After a few months, I picked one up, and wouldn't you know it? Other than the fashion section advising me to purchase a mesh trucker's cap, it was the same damn magazine. So, to save money and time, I have collected in a nutshell all the important man advice for which you would normally pay $3.95 per month.
WOMEN
Women like it on top. Women like receiving oral sex. Women like when you bring them flowers. Women like presents. Women like to be told they are pretty. Women don't like pick up lines. Women can be picked up more easily when they are drunk. Two words that should stick with you for the rest of your life: clitoral stimulation.
CAREER
Be nice to your boss. Don't be too nice. Be nice to your co-workers, even the guy whom you are trying to screw out of a job. Shop around for other jobs, even if you are comfortable with the job you have. It's a nice way to tell your boss "Pay me more money."
CARS
Fast cars are better than slow cars. Nice cars get you women. Cars that are too nice may turn women off. Changing your own oil is nice, but the Wal-Mart is actually cheaper, plus you don't get oil on yourself. Check for proper inflation of tires to save gas.
COMPUTERS
Fast computers are better than slow computers. Nice computers don't get you women. Computers that are too nice will certainly turn women off. You don't necessarily need the nicest computer to download porn.
BEER
Expensive beers are better beers, no question. Drinking beer should be about your status, not about getting drunk. The browner the beer, the more impressed your Harvard alum buddies will be. Buy even more expensive beer over the Internet to impress everyone. Most important of all: don't let anyone know that the twelve-dollar six pack of beer you bought imported from a tiny medieval brewery in the depths of Germany's Black Forest tastes like carbonated roadway tar. Instead, brag about its "headiness."
VIDEO GAMES
If it has guns, explosions, monsters, or the words "Theft" and "Auto" in the title, buy the game IMMEDIATELY. This means every game reviewed by a men's magazine, whether they have played it or not, is considered a "must-have." (My personal advice is never listen to a men's magazine review. You may end up with Playboy's Game of the Month, Superman for N64.)
WORKING OUT
Lifting weights makes you bigger. Varying the way you lift the weights will help you get bigger, faster. Don't lift too much weight or you'll get hurt. Women love washboard abs, you pasty Shakespearebag. Crunches are not better than sit-ups, they're just easier. Don't be such a Poe.
So there you have it. According to the industry that produces these magazines, this is everything a man needs to know. I have just boiled it down into a convenient list. Print this list out and staple it to the meaty part of your hand where your thumb meets your wrist. When you see someone wasting four bucks to buy a men's magazine, laugh at them and hold up the blood-soaked piece of paper. Exclaim, "It's all right here, you pathetic corporate sheep!" as you laugh. They will look puzzled, but you'll understand completely.
You are most welcome.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
105 votes
5.0
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14 Comments on "Never Buy A Men's Magazine Again"
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0 votes
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psychaholic, a bear of very little peen 4,888  13
09/08/2003 03:26 PM
Are you now able to get any woman you want, maker her orgasm twice in 10 mins, fix a car with a butterknife, and crush a fosters can on your forhead all at once?
You the man!
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Trae: DDR virgin 156,785 17
09/08/2003 03:27 PM
check tire pressure to save gas
Holy crap! If I never learn anything else at all today....
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AmyPoo has a tan! 2,710 12
09/08/2003 07:32 PM
yeah, but what about the half nude women?
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
09/09/2003 11:45 AM
Sadly, I've spent more on my computers than on my car. No wonder I'm not getting laid 2.4 times a week. Thanks for the advice, Johnny.
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
09/09/2003 11:47 AM
clitoral stimulation
You forgot to mention that every man should develop a taste for canned tuna soaked in a little vineger.
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
09/09/2003 11:53 AM
And two other all important pieces of advice were left out:
Wear suits and coordinated separates by Armani or Ralph Lauren; anything else is just too gouche for words.
Keep a $45 bottle of Chardonnay
chilled in the refrigerator.
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The Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
09/09/2003 01:35 PM
Who needs Google when you can visit The Hun? (NWS)
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Chit4Brainz 178,742 15
09/23/2003 10:14 AM
Yea , where are we susposed to see Tony's daughter, from "The Sopranos" in a gold lamay Bikini at if we dont buy the magazine ??
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MissBehave 3,853 11
01/15/2004 07:30 PM
You forgot to mention that every man should develop a taste for canned tuna soaked in a little vineger.
Yuk! Who have you been eating? Mine smells like pie and tastes like sugar, which explains all the red ants.
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Dwardicus the great ruler of all 220 9
01/17/2004 10:17 AM
True bout the half nude women, But Come on.........How bout finding an Actual woman......
Maxim is such a waste of time
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