Tim Horton saved my life
A comedy article
by Livewire  78,229  13
09/14/2003 04:26 PM 443 views
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I've been at my new job for about 2 months now. I like it here. In the founder's own words, "we have a dot-comish feel." So as a reward for hitting recent goals, the CEO decided to have us over to his house for a party. Because everyone there was in their early 30s or younger, it was a good old-fashioned drink-fest, during which we watched Old School in his back yard using the boss' laptop and overhead projector from work.
The evening got very crazy -- it was the stuff that good parties are made of. Several bottles of hard liquor were emptied, and we all danced on the patio in the warm summer rain. We moved into the kitchen, where all good parties go, and as we continued to drink, the vice president held an impromptu rave by flicking the stove lights on and off.
The party came to an abrupt and merciful end before anyone could do anything really embarrassing, and we all crashed on the various items of furniture in the CEO's ample home.
I woke up the next morning with the predictable splitting headache. The only medicine in the house was low-dose Aspirin, but I had Advil in the car. I felt kind of queasy, so I was really hoping the Advils would stay down long enough to have an effect. After watching some uninteresting football pre-game nonsense, I politely excused myself and went to the car. Even walking was upsetting my stomach. "I'll be fine as soon as I can sit down," I thought.
"Are you sure?"
"What?" I looked around, but clearly this was a figment of my imagination. I stopped to consider whether I was still drunk, but deciding I wasn't I hopped into my car. More Advils and a few sips of water, and I was on my way. I had a two hour drive ahead of me. The freeway is only 45 minutes, but I needed roads where I could pull over if I needed to chaff. I'd prefer not to throw up in the car, even though I did have my Red Wings cap handy.
"You won't get far like this."
Wherever it was coming from, the voice was right. About five minutes into my drive, the bumpiness of the road had me parked and ready to pop the door open. I couldn't even take a sip of water. I put the window down, took a few breaths of cool morning air, and fet good enough to continue. Five minutes later, it happened again. This time when I pulled over, I had a vision.
Through a gray haze, I could see nothing but a sheet of ice. Then I heard a noise. A rhythmic, swishing sound. From out of the fog, the image of legendary Toronto Maple Leafs defenceman Tim Horton skated up to me and stopped, spraying some snow onto my feet.
"You don't look well," he said.
"Well, to be perfectly honest, I had a lot to drink last night."
"I see. Well, let me tell you--"
I interrupted him there and said, "Look Tim, I just really need to get home. I'm okay to drive, really."
Before the vision could continue, I started my car up and got back on the road. Five minutes later, the voice returned.
"Please listen to me."
"No. I'm fine."
I was not fine. I had to pull over again because of the nausea the bumpy road was inducing.
"You are not okay. Listen to me."
"Look," I said, "I know you died while drinking and taking painkillers and then driving. But you have to understand, these were just Advil. Plus I'm totally over the booze, I'm just a little hung over."
He paused, and a warm fatherly smile came over his face. "That's what I'm talking about. I was a drinker. I know. But you can't keep driving in your hung over state. It is for you, and people like you, that I created my own chain of donut and coffee restaurants, and located them all across Canada, and a few midwestern US states. In fact, you'll find one five minutes down the road from here. I'll bet they have a small coffee waiting just for you." And with that, he skated away.
I started up the car again, and there was the Tim Hortons. I couldn't even drive as far as the restaurant because the nausea was so bad. Half a block isn't too far to walk, and the fresh air really did feel good. In side the restaurant were the usual combination of truck drivers and church goers, the only people with any reason to be up this early. I stepped up to the till and asked for the coffee Tim promised me. "A dollar ten," said the clerk. I looked to the sky questioningly.
"Pay for it, you cheap bastard."
I quickly pulled exact change out of my pocket and paid the clerk. I walked back to my car, using the standard Tim Horton's coffee grip, which every Canadian knows is performed by resting the cut in the palm of your hand an gently gripping it with your fingertips. It's way too hot to drink right away.
As I sat down in the car, I took my first sip of the coffee. It was as though beams of light shone out of the sky to illuminate my troubles and wash them away. The nausea vanished without a trace. I confidently started up my car and continued driving home, this time without stopping. As I approached my house, I looked skyward and said to the spirit, "Thank you, Tim Horton. You really helped me. I don't know how to thank you. Is there any message you'd like me to pass on to the people of the world?"
Tim skated back out of the haze, slowly glided up to me and said, "Yeah." He paused for a moment as though collecting his thoughts and said, "Krispy Kreme is for fags."
Horrified, I replied, "I can't say that! This isn't the same era you grew up in. Could you phrase it a little more PC?"
Tim didn't say anything, he just turned away and skated back into the ethereal mist.
As I pulled into the driveway, a tear rolled down my cheek. I said out loud to no one in particular, "Krispy Kreme is for fags."
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
107 votes
5.0
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19 Comments on "Tim Horton saved my life"
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John Hargrave 128,746  73
10/08/2003 03:48 PM
"Krispy Kreme is for fags."
Heh.
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Danny_Boy 2,210 10
10/08/2003 03:57 PM
That was awesome.
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Frogpop in a box 173,148 25
10/08/2003 05:17 PM
Take that space coyote!
Wicked good Livewire, wicked good.
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DemoMonkey 166,252 10
10/08/2003 06:15 PM
...and Starbucks is for wankers."
That was truly a thing of beauty. Timmies uber alles!
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Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
10/08/2003 06:40 PM
...and we all danced on the patio in the warm summer rain.
Computer people dancing? I thought you said nothing embarassing happened.
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Livewire 78,229 13
10/08/2003 10:43 PM
Nothing short of nudity constitutes true party embarrassment.
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HRH BobJohnson 178,045 22
10/08/2003 11:37 PM
Odd. I would have thought that Tim Horton would have appeared to me. . . considering I buy about four Tim Horton's coffees each and every day.
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Livewire 78,229 13
10/08/2003 11:47 PM
Are you a fellow Canuck? Or one of the blessed few Americans with access to Timmy's?
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HRH BobJohnson 178,045 22
10/08/2003 11:48 PM
A proud Edmontonian. (Although I admit I did once live in the states).
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AmyPoo has a tan! 2,710 12
10/09/2003 12:41 AM
the vice president held an impromptu rave by flicking the stove lights on and off.
that earned my click.
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Biker 0 9
10/09/2003 07:54 PM
Haha.. good old tim hortons.. we got em everywhere up here
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MIPO 363 9
10/10/2003 12:22 AM
Bless you Canadians for your beverages. I live in Buffalo, so I would be lost w/o your beer or your Tim Hortons.
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Chilli Chilli Cheese Fries 8,880 12
10/10/2003 09:13 AM
This was a classic Canadian story. Too bad the yanks don't know who Tim Horton was.
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ringwerm 68,315 13
10/10/2003 09:17 AM
oh, is that why i don't know what the hell that was all about?
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newwave 45,912 10
07/27/2004 07:30 PM
Um, go you.
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Scorpion 4,080 9
07/27/2004 10:57 PM
Damn Brits and their curses that they think are curses, but then they come to the real world and realize that they're really just funny sounding words. Now bugger off.
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Sy the photo guy 6,547 10
08/03/2004 05:25 PM
Muck, about 15 yrs ago I was in St Sauveur, Quebec, and they had a Dunkin Donuts that made a KILLER almond croissant! Never did see a Tim Horton's though...
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Fratberry 282,615 53
11/23/2005 01:44 AM
Bumping a good article. Livewire, write more articles. You're on the board and Canadian so I'm pretty sure its a requirement.
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