Trust not the filthy sea...
A comedy article
by Lunchbox  14,650  10
10/31/2003 05:52 AM 440 views
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The translucent shimmer of my skin says I don't go to the beach very often. When I do go to a beach here in the great state of Texas (yeehaw), it's usually Galveston or Corpus Christi; South Padre, where the girls go wild, is just too far.
So this summer I made it out to Corpus Christi. A lot has changed since the last time I saw Corpus. It's smellier, that's for sure. But it's not the salty, crisp, semi-fishy scent of a beach town. It's got this smell of poverty, of rot, of muddy gravel.
On this day, it's sunny and breezy, and there are gulls being tossed about by the ocean wind; they lurk just high enough to be considered "flying" birds, but just low enough to make you uncomfortable. There is no 10-second rule. In Corpus, you drop it, they eat it.
I get piss drunk with my friends. I swim out past where I can feel the earth under my feet. I panic. I swallow some water. I vomit. My friend casually swims out to drag me in. You know, the usual.
The best part, however, the part I will always cherish, is when we were riding the ferry back to the mainland. I had had a 750 of Seagram's gin mixed with pineapple soda. (You're thinking, "Pineapple soda?!", and I'm saying, "Yeah, I'm that gross."). We had assorted snacks strewn about the floorboard of my friend's cramped Neon, Chex Mix all ground into the carpet.
So we're riding on this ferry. It's a short ride, and it's a kind of ferry where you drive your car on and you stay in your car. I'm in the backseat blabbing, probably spewing comedy gold that no one can remember. The gulls are hovering...
I roll down the window. Mmmm--rot smell. The chatter of gulls, as if they were Sirens, hypnotizes me in my intoxicated state. The gulls are speaking to me. "Feed us," they chatter. So that's what I do.
I reach into the Chex Mix and grip a sweaty handful of Chex Mix. I throw it in the air, triumphant, independent, like a working girl (Mary Tyler Moore reference). The ocean wind, combined with the breeze from the moving ferry, rains the Chex down on the car behind us. The gulls, before the last Melba Toast circle (who eats those anyway?) hits the windshield, pounce on the Cadillac.
The old people in the car are panicked. It's like straight out of Hitchcock. The gulls thrash around on the Cadillac, squawking, devouring, pooping. I'm almost certain, in a frenzy, a gull made off with the Caddy hood ornament.
My friends chastised me. I did not stop laughing until we got to shore; my friend driving sunk low into his seat for the duration of the ride.
So the moral of the story is this: drink gin and pineapple soda, and some seagull may be blinging a Caddy symbol on his chest back at the nest.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
61 votes
5.0
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22 Comments on "Trust not the filthy sea..."
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Trixxie The Swamp Monkey 65,021  15
11/19/2003 05:22 PM
That is some funny Shakespeare, one of the best article evah.
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The Ass-Whisperer 15,434 11
11/19/2003 05:23 PM
this brought tears to my eyes
bravo!!
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Livewire 78,229 13
11/19/2003 09:55 PM
Heh. That was really well-written. Are you actually learning things at that big ol' daycare?
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Emenius the Angry Fat Man 1,433 10
11/19/2003 10:11 PM
Doesn't beat the old alka-seltzer feedings, but as far as seagull stories go, that's a goodun. Clickies
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ringworm 68,315 13
11/19/2003 10:17 PM
actually, this one could be true, and the alka seltzer ones aren't.
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Lunchbukkake 14,650 10
11/19/2003 11:07 PM
its all true, Carrolls.
finally john finds it in his heart to publish one of my articles.
yall really missed out on the spandex unitard track incident...petition john to post it.
thanks for the clickies, people.
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ringworm 68,315 13
11/19/2003 11:43 PM
i want to have your baby, lunchy.
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Lunchbukkake 14,650 10
11/19/2003 11:44 PM
does this mean im almost 1 step out of n00bdom?
probably not, huh?
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Ginny 2,238 9
11/20/2003 04:19 AM
Seagulls are like ravenous cockroaches with wings. My son, 14, hates them.
His very first outing to the beach that he recalls is the day he was on the beach, having a picnic lunch with the family. He was about 3.
I gave him a ham and cheese sandwich.
He held his sandwich, regarding for a moment; then opened his mouth, drawing that hammy goodness toward his gaping maw...
...when a seagull swooped in and snatched the sandwich right out of his hands--very nearly, out of his very MOUTH.
Ever since, The Boy has harbored a deep and spiteful hatred for the winged beasts. He formulates ways in which he can eradicate the species when he is grown; he chuckles at tales of people tossing Alka-Seltzer at the birds in the hopes of causing them to fall out of the sky, dead, after the medicine bubbles to the point that the bird explodes.
My son is becoming a driven man.
God have mercy on the Seagull, because my son sure won't.
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Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
11/20/2003 03:02 PM
Excellent story, Lunchbox. But you failed to mention if your friend got any of the seawater vomit on him as he was pulling you in. Details man, details!
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Fratberry 282,615 53
11/20/2003 03:22 PM
Lord that was funny. Even more so that it was purely unintentional.
We used to take road trips in college with a couple of cars. We'd always take some toilet paper and water. What you do is you take some toilet paper and make a baseball sized wad out of it and soak it in the water. When you get a nice pliable mass, you fling it out the window at the car behind you. Splat. Stuff goes everywhere. It was even better if the toilet paper contraption (which somebody called a bootie-wipe) had a nice banana filling.
It was juvenile and dangerous. And piss in your pants funny.
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John Chickens Bigbootay 286,326 61
11/20/2003 03:28 PM
Oh, you so had me convinced that you were going to puke. The seagull and chex mix combo is comedy gold.
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Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
11/20/2003 03:47 PM
Are Dodge Neons standard issue with the Frat boy sect?
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Lunch...is on me today, fellas. 14,650 10
11/20/2003 07:09 PM
i forgot to mention that i got so wastededed that i forgot to re-tie my swim trunks after i took a piss at one point, and i went in teh water, and when i came slogging up the beach toward shore, my trunks, heavy with water and seaweed, dropped down to my ankles.
my friends were mortified. i fell in a drunken stupor on the sand and rolled around with my trunks around my knees for like 10 minutes before anyone would approach me to pull my trunks up.
and there were families with toddlers very nearby who saw it.
go me.
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Lunch...is on me today, fellas. 14,650 10
11/20/2003 07:13 PM
i was rinsing sand out of my ass crack like up to three days later.
w00t
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Kareno_The_Awesome 1,253 9
11/25/2003 11:01 AM
Wheeeeeeeee! Drunk people are fun!
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Lunchbox 14,650 10
12/01/2003 08:09 PM
wow. this is my first (and probably only) full pee tube evar!
w00t.
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Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
01/05/2005 05:19 PM
i was rinsing sand out of my ass crack like up to three days later.
On a related note, have you ever used Wet Platinum? They make it so that you don't need to re-apply as often, but they overachieve and make sure you don't need fresh lube again for like a month. I swear I had to take a pressure-washer to my butt to get rid of it. Also, you're funny.
And Seth Macy, I may or may not drive a Dodge Neon and I am not in a fraternity.
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Robin 14,626 9
01/05/2005 05:33 PM
Lunchbox, try Rockport/Fulton, the beach is better, just a little north of Corpus.
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