"The Cows... They Talk!" - the PeTA Cows
A comedy article
by Joe The Peacock  2,857  10
11/07/2003 02:01 PM 419 views
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 I went to Outback Steak House this week with my wife and friends. Outback is my favorite chain restaurant, bar none, and when my turn came to order, I asked for my favorite dish: the rack of lamb, cooked medium, with extra cabernet sauce and mint jelly. Drool was oozing from my lips as I ordered it, imagining the savory aroma and tender juiciness.
Fifteen agonizing minutes went by, and then finally, our food came out. The lamb was cooked to perfection. My stomach growled as I took a moment to savor the aroma wafting from this gorgeous slab of meat. I drizzled cabernet sauce over the top of the rack, deliberately and evenly, then placed a carefully measured dollop of mint jelly on top of each shank. I sank my knife slowly into the meat, separating a tender morsel from the bone. I placed the bite into my mouth and savored the flavor: oh-so delicious. It was truly a party in my mouth.
It was also the last bite I would take that evening.
Suddenly the front door of the restaurant flew open, and in trotted four cows, walking on their hind legs, covered in blood.
I can't tell you if it was the cheap felt adorning the cows, or the plastic covering their hooves, but I could immediately tell these weren't real cows. They were people dressed as cows, each one splattered with crimson paint. They all carried signs reading "Meat is Murder," and were chanting that very phrase as they marched into the restaurant.
We were shocked, as it is not every day that one is party to a group of chanting cows picketing the Outback. The entire restaurant, completely silenced, focused in on these four sad individuals. They all ceased their chanting and looked around a bit, their gigantic cow-heads turning until they were confident they had the full attention of the crowd. The leader of the cows spoke:
"Greetings, carnivores! You people should be ashamed of yourselves! Your dinner was once a living, breathing organism! How can you dine on the flesh of your fellow mammal this way?!?"
I'm not quite sure what she expected to come from that question, but no one answered. This angered the cow further.
"Utterly despicable! It is gross that you would eat animals this way! We should live in harmony with the other life forms on this planet! Meat is Murder!"
Again the cows began chanting this phrase, their shouts muffled by the necks of the cow costumes. The entire restaurant, having overcome the initial shock of the talking cows, began to murmur about the statements that this girl had just made. (Well, it sounded like a girl. It had an udder, at any rate.)
All of my friends were looking at me, expecting me to make something happen. "WHAT!?" I screamed, then asked more softly, "Why are you all looking at me? What do you want me to do?"
Mike answered, "I don't know ... it's talking cows! I just expected you to do something."
"Well, what do you say to talking cows?" I took a sip of water, then continued, "Clearly, this situation is unstable enough without me injecting myself into it."
Apparently, fate disagreed. My loud exclamation was sufficient to draw the attention of the bovine conspirators. I looked over my shoulder to find a felt-covered teat resting on my collarbone.
The lead cow spoke: "Sir! Surely you must have something to say! How do you defend your actions?"
How does one answer this question?
"I don't really know that I can defend my actions, cow. I wasn't aware that I was going to be called upon to do so. Perhaps next time, you can let me know in advance that you and your friends plan to dress as cows and invade my restaurant, so I can be better prepared."
She looked up and back at her cow friends, swinging the gigantic foam cow-head back and forth.
"Ahh, a smart-aleck! Guys, we have a comedian here! Well, mister funny animal murderer, we have no need for your sarcasm!"
"Well, maybe not, but you do have a need for psychiatric evaluation."
Perhaps this was the wrong answer.
She launched into a tirade: "NO! It is YOU who needs your head examined! Did you know that the steak you are eating is actually poisonous to your system? Hmm?"
"It's, um ... it's lamb."
She reached her hoof out and seized the rack of lamb from my plate.
"IT DOESN'T MATTER! Beef, lamb, whatever! Red meat does not get digested by the body the way vegetable matter does! It sits in your stomach for days, spoiling from the heat of your body before it is broken down!"
Before me stood a volatile cow with a hunk of lamb in its vinyl-gloved hoof, cabernet sauce and mint jelly dribbling down its arm (er, leg), holding my dinner up as an example. Addressing the rest of the room she shouted, "Do you see this?? This is POISON to your system! It is not good for you! So why eat it?! Why slaughter this poor animal so that you can be poisoned by its flesh?"
Mike spoke up: "Well... Because it's DAMN tasty."
The cow-woman whipped her head round, spinning the foam cow-head just a little too far to the left. She bungled around a bit as she adjusted her head back to forward, smearing lamb and sauce all over it in the process.
"Tasty?!? It tastes good, that's why you eat it? What if I told you that urine tastes good? Would you drink that?"
"Wow, you know how urine tastes?" Mike asked.
A bit taken, the cow responed, "No! God, of course not! I was just saying--"
"Then why would you say urine tastes good?" Mike continued. "Are you some kind of a freaky girl? Do you drink pee-pee??"
"No, you jerk!" She lashed out. "I was just proving a point--"
"AAAAH, whatever," Mike interjected. "Just shut up! No one's going to listen to you! You drink pee, you dumb cow!"
Mike has such a way with words. The cow became frustrated. "No, YOU shut up, you infantile--"
I had to break in. "Infantile? You are calling HIM infantile? You are dressed as a cow, running around a steakhouse carrying a hunk of lamb in your hoof, woman! I don't really think that you have a right to accuse him of acting like a child." I leaned in conspiratorially. "Listen, I know a GREAT therapist, he's worked wonders for me..."
"Shut up!"
I decided not to take this advice. "Seriously, you are crazy. You need help."
"You have no right to speak to me that way, you bastard! You don't even KNOW me!"
Mike took the hand-off. "You are holding his dinner up in the air. I think he has a right to talk to you just about any way he wants, you Frost-ing cow."
The cow swung her head back toward Mike, causing it to spin too far once again. As she corrected its position, she commanded, "Don't call me a cow, you JERK!"
"You have spots and an udder. What else would he call you??" I asked.
The cow began jumping up and down madly, flopping her oversized cow-head to and fro as she screamed at the top of her lungs. The juices from the lamb meat in her right hoof were flying all over the place, splattering on the table and our clothing. She was yelling the most insane cadence of anti-meat statements, each in time with her jumping. Before I could stop her, the manager finally made his way over to the table to help defuse the situation.
"LOOK HERE!" he said sternly to the irate cow. "I have called the police, and they should be here any minute. I must demand that you leave this restaurant IMMEDIATELY!"
"We are exercising our right to peaceful protest!" the cow responded. "We don't have to leave! It's our First Amendment right to--"
"Yes, you DO have to leave! RIGHT NOW! Get OUT of here!"
"We AREN'T leaving. Right, guys?" She looked around, but there were no other bovines in sight. (Yeah, I thought it was clever too.)
Alone and without recourse, the irate cow slumped a little and slowly made her way out of the restaurant, defeated. The restaurant erupted into raucous applause.
Everyone except me, as I was occupied with mourning the loss of my precious lamb, which lay in a heap on the table beside my plate. It wasn't that it was mangled beyond belief ... it was the thought of where that cow's hooves had been. I was nearly to the point of breaking down when the manager returned to wax apologetic about his late response.
"I am SO sorry this happened to you folks!" he gushed.
I tried to reassure him. "Oh, it's not your fault."
"No, really ... I had no idea this was going on. I was in my office on a phone call when one of my employees rushed in and told me what was happening."
I felt bad for the poor guy. He offered to comp all our meals, but we immediately dismissed that idea.
"Well, you shouldn't have to pay for that lamb," he said, pointing to the wreckage that was once my dinner. "I will definitely take that off."
"No, sir," I responded, "It really is okay. Seriously, this was totally not your fault. Just make me a promise."
"Anything, sir. What can I do for you?"
"If they ever come back, throw them on the grill and serve them to the customers."
(From an original article at Mentally Incontinent.)
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
162 votes
5.0
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51 Comments on ""The Cows... They Talk!" - the PeTA Cows"
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butternuts 14,362  10
11/12/2003 06:02 PM
I would give ANYTHING to have that happen to me. I would stuff my lamb dinner down their throat and order another one.
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Trae is a sassy goat 156,785 17
11/12/2003 06:04 PM
That was awesome. I can so totally picture Chi Chi doing that.
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Pr0n 1,722 11
11/12/2003 06:05 PM
thing is, they have a right to voice their opinions... but no right to hinder you.
very funny, i clicked it.
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Pr0n 1,722 11
11/12/2003 06:07 PM
only clovis knows how pee tastes.
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Charlton 250 10
11/12/2003 06:08 PM
No one has a right to voice their opinions on someone else's property.
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Peccavi 2,263 10
11/12/2003 06:10 PM
Hey, take it easy! I love animals!
.... with some A-1 sauce.
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Livewire 78,229 13
11/12/2003 06:55 PM
"All creatures have a purpose on this Earth. And it's clear to me that the only purpose of a cow is to be delicious." - comic Darryl Lennox
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Mythology: Your trusted No Name Brand 4,891 11
11/12/2003 07:27 PM
funniest article I've read in a long time. at least since I read the one where Dubah wins the presidency. Good job !
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LlongPants 48,662 14
11/12/2003 07:59 PM
I clicked and I'm a vegetarian!
Often, activists tend to do their cause more harm than good.
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Gai-Jin BobJohnson 178,045 22
11/12/2003 08:03 PM
You should have chased them around the restaurant with a fork, nibbling on them and such.
Also: I have a lot of respect for vegetarians (and I was one for a year in Junior High). But I also agree with Lloyd. I think Apu from the Simpsons said it best.
"I learned long ago, Lisa, to tolerate others, rather than forcing my beliefs on them. You know, you can influence people without badgering them always."
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LlongPants 48,662 14
11/12/2003 08:08 PM
I joined in with a local animal rights group for a while. I tried to argue that they shouldn't be angry all the time. I tried to promote such concepts as "if you eat meat, try to eat organicaly grown meat" but they got mad at me and told me that I was missing the point. I told them that by yelling at people they were ensuring the the people missed the point too, and they got even more mad, so I took my toys and went home.
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NoVaGirl 0 9
11/12/2003 08:17 PM
Animal rights activists are just full of lies, making it all up as they go and taking advantage of the average stupid american.
Meat rots in your stomach? Right, take a physiology and/or nutrition class and see what the truth is.
They make me laugh
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
11/12/2003 08:42 PM
Okay, was everyone speaking with Received Pronunciation (an Oxford (as in England) accent). The statements made seem all to contrived to have happened as described extemporaneously; unless your friends are good deal more intelligent than the average Joe (State University Educated) Blow.
I'm just saying.
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Pubah Gouchos 56,794 18
11/12/2003 10:28 PM
At fifty bucks a sitting, Outback would have had a lot more meat to cook...badly bruised human meat stained with paint and table leg varnish.
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Joe The peacock 2,857 10
11/12/2003 10:42 PM
Before anyone asks - yeah, this did happen :)
I don't mind animal rights groups. They can scream and yell and bark all they want, so long as they don't steal my lamb.
When they steal my lamb, I get angry. And when I get angry, I WRITE STORIES ON THE INTERNET!
So let this be a lesson to you all!
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ShortBus 58 9
11/12/2003 11:27 PM
So that was YOU huh? Just wait until I tell the other three. You wouldn't believe how much it costs to get mint jelly out of a rented cow costume! We'll get you yet!
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GonzoKnickers 20,522 17
11/13/2003 01:43 AM
How come insane activists never show up to befoul MY dinner?
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Beeblebr0x, New & Improved 31,599 13
11/13/2003 02:42 AM
The fact that this "article", if you must call it that, did not originate here, but is a REPRINT means I can not offer any props. You are either with us, or against us.
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Hammerhead 59,399 14
11/13/2003 03:13 AM
The easiest response to them, before I ripped out her still beating heart for ruining my delicious dinner, would have been to ask if she was a Christian. She wanted you to defend your carnivorous ways, say that you were complying with God's will. He told Noah after the flood to eat the animals (look it up in Genesis). Then I would have stabbed her with the steak knife, and told the cops you felt threatend when she was waving your rack of lamb like a weapon.
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Joe The peacock 2,857 10
11/13/2003 05:06 AM
Oh, Beebebr0x, I'm with ya 100%. Just because it's been somewhere else doesn't sully its good name! I mean, you've dated a girl who's 'been around the block' before, yah? Did that make her any less of a companion?
Same with my story. It's been loved on before, but that doesn't mean you can't love on it, too.
In other words, my story is a whore.
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LlongPants 48,662 14
11/13/2003 06:09 AM
Hammerhead, I didn't know that you were Noah! Wow, a real ecelebrity on Gab!
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Pr0n 1,722 11
11/13/2003 06:31 AM
He earned his wings!
(parted the red sea, idiot)
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DemoMonkey 166,252 10
11/13/2003 09:59 AM
Opposable thumbs. Gotta love 'em. Look at me Ma! Top of the food chain!
That article was very, very funny.
The stupidity of the cow-people was hilarious.
But the fact that the swearbot re-translated the authors name - THAT'S golden.
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Chickens 2.0, Beta version 286,326 61
11/13/2003 10:08 AM
Who else wants to elect this guy god of the carnivoires?
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Chickens 2.0, Beta version 286,326 61
11/13/2003 10:09 AM
The only thing that would have made that funnier would have been if were legal to punch a protester in her snout.
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
11/13/2003 11:39 AM
Fantastic story Joe! Very well written. This sort of stuff never happens to me.
Although I think I may dress-up as a carrot and protest the local "Healthy Harvey's" today.
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Whistler 185,889 44
11/13/2003 01:04 PM
Great story. I'll never figure out why people think anyone will respond to lunatic ranting and raving. Unless it's Mookie doing the ranting.
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Joe The peacock 2,857 10
11/14/2003 03:06 AM
thanks for the compliments, everyone. You guys rock. I love zug :)
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Hammerhead 59,399 14
11/14/2003 03:14 AM
Stop with the Frost-ing emoticons, and you may be liked more.
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Joe The peacock 2,857 10
11/15/2003 01:48 AM
Hammerhead :)
I'm sorry you don't like emoticons O_O! I only do them out of habit ;) My family doesn't understand the lack of inflection in voice when chatting on IM 8-) so they accuse me of being rude when, in fact, i merely made an emotionally devoid statement :-/
It's just reflex :-) I won't do it again :-X
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
11/15/2003 12:05 PM
That's where alot of that gas comes from.
Dude, what the f-? Who gets gas from meat? Biology 101: Gas is produced by bacteria chomping on excess carbs in your intestines; mainly starches that weren't broken down into their constituent glucose molecules. It's starchy veggies like cauliflower and beans that give most people gas. It's true that meat will slow digestion, but that is usually a good thing. The longer the food stays in the stomach, the more complete its breakdown. Humans are omnivores because of evolutionary necessity. Just accept that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some ham and eggs that need to be dispatched.
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That username is already in use 19,242 12
11/15/2003 12:05 PM
You're all right in my book, Joe. That was some funny Shakespeare.
Personally, I'm glad you reposted that here, because I probably wouldn't make my way over to Mentally Incontinen to keep up with the stuff. Keep 'em comin.
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That username is already in use 19,242 12
11/15/2003 12:07 PM
I've heard that, generally, vegetarians are gassier than most people.
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Swizzle is nifty!!! 3,957 10
11/15/2003 01:05 PM
Vegetarians don't fart? HAHAHAHA! I (briefly) worked for a large animal vet, and we did NUMEROUS farm calls, horses, cows, goats, and all those lovely (vegetarian) creatures. Every single one of those animals fart, they fart ALOT, and every single one of those farts STINK.
Vegetarians don't fart my ass. The nastiest thing to come from a living being that I have ever smelled came from a more than 1 ton organically-raised black angus bull we were doing pre-sale testing on. I thought my hair was going to melt.
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That username is already in use 19,242 12
11/15/2003 01:07 PM
If Uncle Al were here the veggies would just keep their mouths shut.
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Peccavi 2,263 10
11/15/2003 03:45 PM
To quote Maddox....
For every burger you don't eat, I'm going to eat three
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Nayvera: Queen of the Psychopathic Toilet Monkeys 120 9
11/17/2003 11:18 AM
I was once driving with a few of my friends past a chic-fil-a that had just opened when we saw some cows holding up signs and waving. We waved back, thinking that they were people dressed up to promote the opening....but when we got close enough we saw they were animal rights protestors! Now tell me, does it make sense to protest in a cow suit in front of chic-fil-a - whose mascot is a COW?! People kept waving back only because they thought they were hired by the place.
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
11/17/2003 12:06 PM
"...To quote Maddox....
For every burger you don't eat, I'm going to eat three"
"For every ANIMAL you don't eat I'm going to eat three." -Maddox
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Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
11/18/2003 04:35 PM
Joe PeaColeridge, eh? Think you have what it takes to dance with the comedy ninja squad? Well, bring it BOY-EE! By the way, are the animal rights people issued a stack of 3x5 indexes with a Frost-ing arguement for everything? They always say the same things, "The human body isn't designed to digest meat," etc. You know what? Last time I ate steak, I didn't see steak bits in my Shakespeare. But the last time I ate corn I saw the undigestable husks of the corn kernels in my crapola. Your arguement against meat holds no weight, foolish hippies!
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NutCracker 0 10
11/20/2003 03:52 AM
These PETA dog-doos are hypocrites. They promote animal rights, yet they drive cars which will kill us all eventually. I LOVE MEAT, I THINK BEEF/DEER/PIG JERY ARE THE GREATEST. I'D KILL MYSELF IF MY FAMILY WAS ALL VEGETARIANS. (FORTUNATELY NOT, MY DAD OWNS A CHAIN OF SLAUGHTER HOUSES IN NV.)
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Chit4Brainz 178,742 15
11/28/2003 08:23 AM
(FORTUNATELY NOT, MY DAD OWNS A CHAIN OF SLAUGHTER HOUSES IN NV.)
That is good fortune there Nutcracker....
Maybe you should change your name to "AnimalCracker" instead ?
Agreed though, I feel shortchanged
if even a single meal, is devoid of any,
"meat" representation what so ever.
If god had not intended for us to kill animals for food,
He would have never made them out of meat!
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Chit4Brainz 178,742 15
11/28/2003 08:35 AM
How the Frost did I land here, like 3 weeks back in time anyway ?
Frost-ing triptaphan O.D. I suspose,
or I drove through a black hole on my way home ??
sorry for digging this one up again
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Phuc 237,915 21
12/06/2003 10:01 AM
My whole life has led up to reading that article.
As a former vegetarian, I can say with authority that those cows got off easy. They are the Rush Limbaughs of the barnyard set--full of lies, drugs, hatred, and misplaced idealism.
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Duff The Tragic Wagon 24 9
12/12/2003 06:32 AM
Sorry for Double posting, but i remembered my password. I'm just wondering, how long did this Hillarious ordeal last? and why didn't someone in the restraunt call the cops way before the manager came out? they could at least snuck up behind the leader and slit her throat. gotta get meat somehow!
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claysae 0 0
03/15/2004 08:05 PM
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
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Snipe*Star 244 8
06/29/2004 03:50 AM
sounds fake i think he made it up
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The Menace from... uh... Limburg 895 9
06/29/2004 03:51 AM
Too bad no-one gives a flying Frost what you think, huh?
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