Confessions of A Newb
A comedy article
by DemoMonkey  166,252  10
11/07/2003 03:06 PM 482 views
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Newb (also noob and n00b). Origin: Internet slang.
1) One who is new; inexperienced; unaware of customs and procedures.
2) Fresh meat for the wolves.
"What's this site do?" I asked myself, after being directed to ZUG by a newspaper article. (Newspapers are text files printed on paper. They're available in your local museums and most Amish villages.) "Comedy articles? Caption contests? A message board? Great! This is way better than working." That's how it began. That's how it always begins.
I had a vague idea that I would just browse the site and maybe become a member some day. I wasn't going to get involved. I certainly wasn't going to be addicted. I could quit anytime I wanted. Right after this hilarious article on "anal fissures" I'd quit and go do some spreadsheet analysis. Oh wait, I can make snide comment about Britney and Madonna kissing ("Hey, I can see my house from here!"). I guess I can sleep on the train to work in the morning. Classic signs of denial, but there was still some small chance of escape.
Then I clicked the link to "GAB on ZUG" and became ... a newb.
Oh, I didn't know that's what I was becoming. Truth be told, I'd never heard of the concept before (I'm from the newspaper era, remember?). People were posting messages about amusing or interesting threads, and other people were commenting on them. Why I'd just leap on in, say something startlingly witty, and be the toast of the town, right?
BZZZZT!!! I'm sorry; the answer we were looking for is "What is unmerciful hazing."
It was bad; 'Nam bad, Showgirls bad, Yanni concert bad. Somehow though, I survived the first few weeks and I'm a stronger person for it; I can now blink and make a fist in response to stimulus again. To prevent others from experiencing the pain, degradation, and mild flaking of those terrible first weeks, let me offer a few words of advice to other newbs in waiting.
1) Do not take "STFU" (Shut The **** Up) personally. It is the internet equivalent of "How now, what news?" Also, it only applies to typing; you may still speak freely to your friends and family should any of them still remain on speaking terms.
2) Do not, under any circumstances, agree to requests to "SUYT" (Show us your ****). If your attributes are attractive, expect the pictures to be reposted extensively. If they are unattractive, expect them to be reposted universally.
3) Do not be offended when the elders of the board ignore your comments and refuse to direct remarks to you; they are old and set in their ways. They need a chance to catch your scent before they can accept you. Try presenting your hindquarters.
4) Occasionally you will have comments directed at you like "j00 sux0r n00b, 1 r00l j00, 1 <3 1337." This is meaningless, but may signify another poster is having some sort of fit and is banging the keyboard uncontrollably with their forehead. Back away slowly; if the problem persists, notify their caregiver.
5) Always check the properties of any website link you are offered. Even if it says "Fluffy bunnies" or "Things that make Jesus smile" or "Chocolaty goodness." Especially "Chocolaty goodness."
6) Never, ever, ever go to a link to "goatse.cx". Trust me on this one.
7) After you do go there, keep repeating to yourself "It's only Photoshop. It's only Photoshop." until you can breathe again. The vomiting subsides after a day or two, though the night terrors may persist somewhat longer.
8) Your teachers were wrong. "The" is apparently spelled "Teh."
9) Much like anywhere else on the Internet, take no one's word on their age, gender, skin tone, religion or sexual orientation. They all lie, and it's heartbreaking to fall in love with a sweet elfin waif only to discover they're a butch biker of a different creed but the same sex. Unless it happens to someone else -- then it's hilarious.
10) People who have been here a long time have developed their own secret language and inside jokes. Laugh at them even when you have no idea what they mean. Current examples are "sassy goat," "what happens at Gablanta stays at Gablanta," "Brad nails," and "I think Mr Rumsfield's plans for the reconstruction are totally feasible."
11) Do not anger she who calls herself Trae. There were three of us who joined the board at the same time; after the "Who does she think she is?" debacle, I'm the only one whose bones do not decorate the mouth of her cave. Good Trae. Pretty Trae.
12) Do not post threads just to parody the title of another thread. Parody threads are basically Internet puns, and they can drive the original thread down from the top of the board before their time. Never pun before the third down.
13) "Fill my pee tube" means "Please mouse click the 'Funny' icon on my post, and extend the yellow bar." It is not, in any way, sexual. Trust me on this one as well.
14) There really is no one person named John Hargrave. It's another trick they pull on the newbs. The board is actually run by a small staff of super-intelligent school children. Come on, read the articles; you don't actually think an ADULT wrote those, do you?
15) Do not EVER complain about being hazed as a newb. This will only extend the hazing period. Gabbers are like any closed group in this regard, be they tree house club, schoolyard clique, sorority, or US Marine Corp. Hide your pain and resentment. Their day will come.
And finally...
16) Be funny. If you can't be funny, be cruel. If you can't be cruel, say "poop."
Follow these lessons well and you too may survive becoming a newb, and join the elders in the loving arms of the GAB community. Forget them and be doomed to eternal torment in the damned circles of "the other site." Choose wisely.
(If you follow these lessons well, turn to page 38. If you have the Amulet of Moribundo from the control room, turn to page 39. If you choose to forget them and be doomed to eternal torment, turn to page 666 and read the inscription.)
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
132 votes
5.0
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0 votes
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Revolutionary Chickens 286,326  61
11/25/2003 05:47 PM
This should be added to the rules page. Top notch.
I bequeath to the demomonkey "Regular" statis. Congrats.
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0 votes
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dinesh 24,862 16
11/25/2003 05:47 PM
2) Do not, under any circumstances, agree to requests to "SUYT" (Show us your ****). If your attributes are attractive, expect the pictures to be reposted extensively. If they are unattractive, expect them to be reposted universally.
You are not one of us.
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Revolutionary Chickens 286,326 61
11/25/2003 05:47 PM
Try presenting your hindquarters.
I remember that from Mutual of Omaha.
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Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
11/25/2003 05:52 PM
Excellent!!
Smart little bugger, aren't you?
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studio 2,001 10
11/25/2003 05:57 PM
poop
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Eric Numeric 23,705 11
11/25/2003 05:59 PM
Choose your own Adventure.....heh pretty funny Demo. Take back the refusal of titties and I will give you the click...
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NoKi_Bandit 76,490 10
11/25/2003 06:00 PM
Very Funny DM!
( I especially liked the Trae rules.)
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Trae LaTrash 156,785 17
11/25/2003 06:02 PM
I especially like #11. You Sir, are genius, comedy genius!
This is the law.
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DemoMonkey 166,252 10
11/25/2003 06:49 PM
Which one?
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juggernautbaby13 400 9
11/25/2003 07:31 PM
I feel a lot better about kittuns wishing me death and pain now.
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Pubah 56,794 18
11/25/2003 07:50 PM
Not bad DemonMonkey,
I take back the horrible things I've thought about you...
well, some of them anyway.
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Frogpop 173,148 25
11/26/2003 01:35 AM
Try presenting your hindquarters.
n3v4r f4i1s!
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Fratberry 282,615 53
11/26/2003 02:02 AM
Incredible stuff. Add a part about how you know when you're no longer a n00b. I still don't know.
Of course, I guess if I have to ask, I'm still one.
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Chit4Brainz 178,742 15
11/26/2003 02:21 AM
I thought maybe your textbook had notes in the margin or something, thanks for sharing.....
very well written as well.
That was some modern day Shakespear !
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Trixxie The Swamp Monkey 65,021 15
11/26/2003 10:28 AM
BWAHAHAHA: Please oh N00b let me be the one to break it to ya: Goatsee is NOT Photo shop he is a very real person and that picture is very old but real and his (who ha) is really in that condition, most likely from a life time of double fisting. Be Afraid, Be Very, Very Afraid.
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Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,327 12
11/26/2003 10:30 AM
Trixxie, I'm going to need therapy now because you've told me that. I was happy in my wonderful thoughts of PhotoShop.
<pops another valium>
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Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,353 14
11/26/2003 10:42 AM
That was awesome. I laughed, oh yes, I laughed. I wrote something similar a while back, but I was too distant from my earlier n00b status for it to be an effective essay.
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Livewire 78,229 13
11/26/2003 01:43 PM
Never pun before the third down.
Rulz. And Canadian too.
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eli gefiltefish 89 9
11/26/2003 03:07 PM
"Confessions of a jEWb"
sorry
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DemoMonkey 166,252 10
11/26/2003 04:12 PM
Livewire
Someone got that. My life is now complete.
(Not intended as an invitation to kill me. Void where prohibited. Some conditions may apply.)
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eli gefiltefish 89 9
11/26/2003 06:34 PM
I got it right,
RIGHT?
ok, so now does EVERYONE think I'm, you know,
funny?
come on.... you know you can tell me the truth.
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Hapag-Lloyd Group 48,662 14
11/26/2003 06:43 PM
Hey, in which newspaper did you read about zug?
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Funny
1 votes
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Aimlessly 54,807 10
11/26/2003 06:44 PM
John is putting ads in hustler now...er, thats what i've heard anyway.
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eli gefiltefish 89 9
11/26/2003 07:25 PM
c'mon L-man, you can do better than that.
been lurking for the better part of a year. or maybe not.
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Hapag-Lloyd Group 48,662 14
11/26/2003 08:51 PM
Does L-man mean me?
I was asking Demo which newspaper he was referring to in his article.
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DemoMonkey 166,252 10
11/26/2003 11:16 PM
It was a Vancouver paper (I was visiting relatives), don't remember which, and it was talking about the The Credit Card Prank.
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Jajoba 1,357 10
11/27/2003 07:47 AM
Where the Frost were you two months ago?
Great article that.
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Revolutionary Chickens 286,326 61
11/27/2003 01:31 PM
What happened? This thread had a full tube, now it's half empty.
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Funny
1 votes
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Hollis 7,284 14
11/27/2003 03:13 PM
No no revolutionary chickens, look at the tube as being half full!
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CheesyCrackers 144 9
11/27/2003 03:35 PM
And when/if you manage to get a clicky, it should be cherished, polished and placed somewhere for all to see.
hurrah!
and poop
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Hilarious
1 votes
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Hammerhead in a jar 59,399 14
12/06/2003 12:54 PM
John, do you see this! I know you had to have at least once. Make this a part of the commandments. All except the part about SUYT. Make the link prominent. Make it part of the sign up pages. Please for the love of god, make the n0obs read this!
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TableTopJane 173,958 15
02/11/2004 01:08 PM
I was just thinking that there are some people who really need to read this.
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Fratberry 282,615 53
02/23/2004 02:00 PM
What I can't get is why this didn't rate a full tube.
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Godot 15,434 11
02/23/2004 02:01 PM
duh! cause he was a noob when he wrote it...
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The Puggy of the D: Assholier than thou 48,304 12
02/23/2004 02:03 PM
On a tangentally related note, Lindsay Lohan's "Confessions of a teenage drama queen" is currently the number 2 movie in America.
I'm feeling patriotic all of a sudden.
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Stewie is my God 58,741 29
02/23/2004 02:04 PM
So... If I show ya'll my boobs, you will like me?
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Chance 171,270 14
02/23/2004 02:44 PM
Not if they are hairy.
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Stewie is my God 58,741 29
02/23/2004 02:48 PM
Nah...I pluck.
Just kidding.
Or am I?
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Chance 171,270 14
02/23/2004 02:57 PM
I don't know, are you kidding? Do you have big hairy nipples? Harry and the Hendersons was on t.v. last night. I cried and cried when they released him back in the wild. Why can't you keep a hairy beast in your house? I say we stop shaving all together! You start first. Tell me how it goes.
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Stewie is my God 58,741 29
02/23/2004 04:37 PM
I'm kidding, Chance. I love Harry too. Those Henderson bastards, letting him go just so he can be shot, stuffed and put in the 'real, live action pose!' in some deliverance type hovel somewhere in Tennesse.
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llama pyjamas 7,194 10
02/24/2004 12:33 AM
This needs to go somewhere for all the nOObs to behold. Then again, why ease their plight?
Man I wish I saw this sooner.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
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llama pyjamas 7,194 10
02/24/2004 12:44 AM
Wouldn't have taken show me your tits so seriously.
Sob. My reputation! It's like highschool all over again.
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Major General Flying Nun 1,412 10
06/20/2004 06:40 PM
H4X, shutup. You're talking to Demo, here. Any disrespect is suicide.
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The High Priestess 58,741 29
06/20/2004 08:31 PM
As it should.
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Chuckleworthy
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Chickens aint in Kansas anymore 286,326 61
07/06/2004 02:25 PM
Try presenting your hindquarters.
Where's that bumper sticker thread?
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