How the unitard stole my children
A comedy article
by Lunchbox  14,650  10
11/26/2003 06:01 AM 531 views
|
|
I'm a 6'3", 265 lb. lump of love. By nature, I'm not the type that needs to be wearing spandex. If this were the 80s, and I was the bassist for a big-hair heavy metal band, I still wouldn't wear spandex, because that's just not nice.
So I kind of walked on to our Division III track team as a javelin thrower. The off-season was fun as I learned to turn my old baseball arm into a javelin fist of fury. But then the spring came, and the season was about to start for real. I was unfamiliar with track when I joined the team, so it didn't dawn on me what my uniform would be until a day before our first meet.
We roll out of our team meeting and go to the equipment room and wait in a line. I was the very last in line. All the other throwers got their uniforms and left the athletic center. I walked up and the exchange with the weary, pissy equipment manager went something like this:
Equipment Manager: "What size?"
Me: "Uh. I dunno...big?"
EM: <evil laugh> "like an XL?"
Me: "You have a 2X?"
EM: <rummages through his uniforms> "Actually large is the biggest I got left in the two-piece."
Me: "MmmK. Well, considering my pole vaulter roommate who is half my size went with the large, I'm gonna have to ask what my other options are."
EM: "Well, we have the unitards that the sprinters and some of the distance runners wear. It's legal for competition for the throwers."
Me: "Unitard? Is that...is that...spandex?!"
EM: <evil laugh>
Me: "Well I don't have much choice."
I get back to my dorm and hold it up to me in the mirror. Sure enough, it was going to fit, if by fit you mean I was in danger of ripping the space-age indestructable material that is spandex.
I changed into a jock strap. This was going to take all the clearance I could give it. No bulky undergarments. Just me, the unitard, my jockstrap, and God.
I step into the leg holes. Wow. It got stuck around my calves. This was going to take a while, and maybe some baby oil.
I get the lower part of the unitard on and pulled up to where it should be. My testicles scream the horror of a thousand angels of death. My children-to-be ceased to be. I looked at my package in the mirror and I behold a scrawny mutant mini-bulge, shimmering behind the tight veil of maroon spandex. A mist of sweat begins to form on my forehead.
I pulled the top strappy parts over my arms and pulled it up. I hear a few threads creak and pop. My school's logo, once a beautiful screenprinting in white, has cracked and warped into a vintage-knockoff Abercrombie typeface.
I looked like Anthony, one of the sprinters on our team, if only Anthony were to drink a keg a day for three years and then become pregnant and hairier. I was no model of Olympian athleticism. I did not look much like an athlete in my unitard. The only part of my outfit that fit was the tard part.
I got back out of the uniform, and it looked a little stretched and pissed-off when I tossed it on the floor. I had deep red lines on my body where the seams of the uniform had tried to battle my fleShakespeare would take a full hour for my testicles to re-descend.
So the meet went OK the next day. I was quite the sight in my kickin' new uniform. There was this one hot high jumper chick who I could tell was dying to know where she could get a spraypainted-on uniform also.
I guess my only beef with the uniform, besides the fact that it has hindered my ability to reproduce, is that it leaves little to the imagination. And if you're a white guy, struggling with the issue of package size to begin with, the unitard is not the best way to win over the ladies.
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Side-splitting
72 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=812987
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
19 Comments on "How the unitard stole my children"
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=817756
Llordie, Llordie. 48,662  14
12/03/2003 04:41 PM
if only Anthony were to drink a keg a day for three years and then become pregnant and hairier.
Yes, if only.
Very funny stuff Box.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=817764
Trae LaTrash 156,785 17
12/03/2003 04:47 PM
Nicely done, fag hag.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=817825
Kareno_The_Awesome 1,253 9
12/03/2003 05:24 PM
I've never wanted you more
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=817827
dinesh 24,862 16
12/03/2003 05:26 PM
this situation calls for photographic evidence.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=817843
One-Click Chickens 286,326 61
12/03/2003 05:31 PM
Hah! Lunchbox has a small peener.
(making fun of others dissuades ones own feelings of inadequacy)
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=818051
Frogpop 173,148 25
12/03/2003 10:42 PM
I feel your pain LB. Or rather I feel my own pain, but I think it's likely to be similar to your pain. The 'breeches' we're required to wear for my horseback riding classes are tight tight tight, and it's more than a little bit difficult finding room in there for all of my equipment. The best part is that I have a large lecture class right before riding, so I have to go on to campus all geared (read "dolled") up. Lucky for me I happen to have a crop handy to beat off the ravenous hordes of female admirers.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=820307
Hammerhead in a jar 59,399 14
12/06/2003 12:30 PM
Put a cup in your jock if you're painfully inadequate, which from your complaining seems to be the case. Maybe you should spray paint the uniform on next time.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=820667
Lunchbox 14,650 10
12/07/2003 07:04 PM
i think rocking a big cup under my unitard would be a little odd. javelin is not a contact event.
tard.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=838647
Lunchboxxx/The Love Below 14,650 10
01/01/2004 09:34 PM
update: got an email from my track coach today. in a few weeks we have a meeting, where we are apparently going to try on new uniforms that we got. we submitted our size requests to her in December, and I asked for a 12XL, if possible. that way it should fit like an XL.
when i get to take my new 'tard home, im going to do a how-to article with step by step photos. moisten your lips.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=838649
Livewire 78,229 13
01/01/2004 09:52 PM
I hope it looks like this.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=838653
Ducky 10,666 13
01/01/2004 10:12 PM
Brett Hart used to make my loins quiver..
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=840880
Shayrose 195 10
01/06/2004 01:20 AM
I wait with quivering anticipation to see the photo.
Baby powder may be more useful than baby oil for getting into the outfit. But if you sweat, the perspiration will mix with the sweat to make vile talcum dumplings of smegma.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1570806
Tweak 18,876 12
12/04/2006 06:54 AM
Ah, the first non-prank article I ever read.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1570809
Satan's Little Helper 19,912 12
12/04/2006 06:57 AM
Reading and bumping don't necessarily have to go together, especially if it's 2 years old.
Just sayin'...
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1570811
Tweak 18,876 12
12/04/2006 07:04 AM
Yeah, well do you know what I'm just sayin'?
Do ya?
No one seems to.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1572264
Lunchbox 14,650 10
12/06/2006 02:09 AM
I'm glad this article got bumped, bitches. It's not even one of my best, I don't think.
So...anything new since I fell into my semi-annual blackhole that is Ph.D. school? Is Leppy dead or something? If so, I'm glad to have one less person jocking the tooth icon.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1572340
Tweak 18,876 12
12/06/2006 06:46 AM
Yeah, me too.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1572375
Fratberry 282,615 53
12/06/2006 08:22 AM
This is still my favorite Lunchboxx article.
|
|
|
|
Store