Fly the Friendly Skies
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  128,123  71
12/01/2003 11:32 AM 542 views
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 Over Thanksgiving, we flew. "Prepare yourself," I said to my wife as we entered the security screening line at Boston's Logan Airport, "for multiple violations of your civil liberties."
As I was siphoned into the alternate line for a "random" pat-down and hand-wanding, I watched a young man frisking a young woman. I thought that only women were supposed to feel up other women at airport security, but here was a male TSA official, a surly 20-something sporting a mustache and feathered hair, slowly moving his wand up and down the body of a college-aged woman. "Please raise your arms outwards, palms up," he said, standing in front of her and doing another complete body-scan.
When he got to her breasts, the wand beeped. "Are you wearing an underwire bra, ma'am?" he asked her. She shook her head.
"I'm going to gently press on your brassiere," he said, and proceeded to trace the contours of her breasts with the sides of his hands.
I couldn't believe that this woman had to endure a government clerk feeling her boobs while everyone watched. (A small sign indicated that passengers had the right to request screening in a private room, but even I wasn't about to go into a private room with Starsky.) I mean, doctors are allowed to grope, but they have to go through a decade of med school for the privilege. In contrast, I don't think most of those TSA employees have graduated high school.
Next, it was my turn. I started thinking about what smart-ass things I could do without being detained for further questioning. "Please sit down, with your legs outstretched," Baretta said. I obeyed, and he wanded my shoes and pants. They don't bother removing the shoes anymore; these wands pick up everything.
"Now, please stand up with your arms stretched outwards, palms up." This I did, and he ran the wand over my back. Even though I wasn't carrying anything illegal, I was inexplicably nervous, like I might have accidentally stuffed a handgun into my pants.
The wand beeped when it hit my watch. "Please remove the watch," Shaft commanded me, and I did so. He stepped around to my front and wanded me from head to toe again. This time, the wand beeped when it hit a penny in my pocket. No kidding: a single penny.
"Please remove the penny, sir," ordered Sonny Crockett.
"I'm not Magneto," I said. "Not much I can do with a penny." This comment drew no response, so I took out the penny.
Next, the wand beeped on my belt buckle. "I'm going to ask you to open your belt buckle, sir," he said.
It suddenly occurred to me that it would be funny to voluntarily give up my rights -- to give them more than they asked for. So I opened my belt buckle, then quickly unbuttoned my jeans, unzipped my zipper, and started to pull down my pants.
"Ah ... just your belt buckle, sir," said Detective Andy Sipowicz, suddenly flustered.
"Oh, I'm sorry," I said, feigning innocence. I was wearing blue bikini briefs, which undoubtedly was more than he wanted to see ... at least, from a guy. On the other side of the Plexiglass, an elderly couple was walking through the fast-track security line, and they looked over, shocked to see me with my pants unbuttoned. I gave them a "Can you believe this?" look, as I slowly fastened my pants again.
"Please hold your belt buckle facing outwards," said Capt Frank Furillo, but this time when he ran his wand over my belt, his hands were shaking. He avoided looking me in the eyes, as he released me so that he could attend to his next female victim.
So it's nice to know that we still have some privacy. Apparently they don't want you to strip down nude. Yet.
John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is an author and performer whose dentist regularly performs cavity searches. Past articles >>
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
115 votes
5.0
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Also Recommended on ZUG:
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0 votes
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NoKi_Bandit 76,490  10
12/01/2003 11:44 AM
Clickie for using the words "violate" and "Sonny Crockett" in the same post.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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DemoMonkey 166,232 10
12/01/2003 11:49 AM
Magneto couldn't do anything with a penny. Copper is non-ferrous.
I've never known a woman.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Chi-Chi Fellipe 161,287 14
12/01/2003 11:58 AM
Magneto. That's so sweet. I remember pre-9/11, when I flew through Laguardia, security was too busy gossiping in Spanglish or cornrowing each others hair to give two Frosts. They just waved me through, and I was wearing my Osama bin Laden costume! Ok, I made that last part up. Just the last part, though.
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0 votes
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Trae LaTrash 156,771 17
12/01/2003 12:00 PM
You are correct in that female attendants are supposed to "pat down" female passengers. If I was that girl and he attempted to touch my boobs, I'd give him a swift kick to the crotch, Dukes of Hazard style.
Look but don't touch!
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0 votes
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
12/01/2003 12:08 PM
I was wearing blue bikini briefs
You mean you posted the nasty yellow stained Jockey tighty-whities when you had some starlight blue bikini briefs? Uh, I'm soooo disappointed now.
And don't you worry about falling and breaking a leg? The EMTs will cut your pants off. And getting to your wife's car in only your underwear is a little embarrassing, but even more so when you're wearing bikini undies. Or, do you only wear them when there's a chance you will be stripped searched?
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0 votes
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Teddy Bear 13,437 10
12/01/2003 12:09 PM
I had a medium sized lock in my pocket and the thing didn't pick it up. The lady only discovered it when she told me to empty my pockets. Then she gave me a dirty look like it was my fault her wand wasn't working.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Charlton 250 10
12/01/2003 12:25 PM
How did Magneto stop all those copper/lead bullets?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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DemoMonkey 166,232 10
12/01/2003 01:02 PM
Full metal jacket rounds. They clearly state in X-Men issue...
I'll just stop now.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Charlton 250 10
12/01/2003 01:02 PM
Bullet jackets are copper.
Copper is non-ferrous.
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0 votes
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studio 2,001 10
12/01/2003 01:39 PM
I just went through the security thing in Salt Lake, Chicago and Brussels. My daughter (9 years old) went into the "special" line to get frisked. Me, with my two laptops and a small bomb (lighter) didn't even get a nod. I feel secure.
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0 votes
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Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
12/01/2003 01:45 PM
I was asked by the airport man if I had an artificial knee.
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0 votes
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DemoMonkey 166,232 10
12/01/2003 04:00 PM
Charlton
Though uncommon, steel jacketed rounds are made as well.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Nub 1,064 12
12/01/2003 04:20 PM
You shoulda mentioned that you were wearing an underwire bra as well.
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0 votes
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supertoad 0 9
12/01/2003 05:33 PM
i managed to get through three canadian airports last year with a 9 inch metal spike
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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DemoMonkey 166,232 10
12/01/2003 05:37 PM
Amazing what they're doing in the field of eunuch prosthetics these days.
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0 votes
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Lunchbox 14,644 10
12/01/2003 05:54 PM
airports are the children of satan.
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0 votes
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Charlton 250 10
12/01/2003 06:38 PM
None of the bullets he stopped had steel jackets.
Nobody uses steel jacketed bullets, anyway. There's really no point.
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0 votes
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
12/01/2003 07:46 PM
studio, don't feel bad. Any Arab, native mexican, or African National hasn't a chance of not getting frisked. God bless America! Lord knows we don't have crazy John Does running around on the streets who didn't do sh!t with their lives and would want to take out their hostilities by bring 200-some people to a fiery death.
Those nine-year-old girls can be pretty wily at times. I'm glad the government is finally steppin' in and crackin' down on their shenanigans.
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0 votes
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ringworm, a plate full of maggots 68,315 13
12/01/2003 07:49 PM
i got strip searched three times in austin. they should install an indoor smoking area.
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0 votes
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DemoMonkey 166,232 10
12/01/2003 09:40 PM
"i got strip searched three times in austin. they should install an indoor smoking area."
What, in your ass?
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0 votes
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Alpha Maelstrom (click name for disclaimer) 5,097 14
12/02/2003 05:24 AM
Impurities in the lead, or perhaps he just created a strong enough magnetic field around the bullets and then shrank it, compressing the air around the bullet, until it lost forward momentum, and was held aloft purely by the nearly solid air? Or perhaps a magnetic field around the bullet, rotating fast enough to create it's own gravity, thus an anti-gravity effect? Or perhaps, it the x-men universe, lead is magnetic? Perhaps the bullets aren't lead in their world? nothing is created except through change, perhaps he creates magnetic fields by adapting the surrounding energy, such as shown in this case, kinetic? Or maybe, just maybe, it's not real, and you Frosters need to get some hobbies instead of wondering about what goes on in a cartoon, eh?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Frogpop 173,113 25
12/02/2003 06:13 AM
That last one sounds like a bit of a stretch.
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0 votes
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Charlton 250 10
12/02/2003 05:42 PM
"a strong enough magnetic field around the bullets and then shrank it, compressing the air around the bullet, until it lost forward momentum, and was held aloft purely by the nearly solid air"
That's probably it, since what you described is actual science, and not just something you made up using words you thought sounded good together.
Maybe they just Frosted up and forgot that bullets aren't made of anything magnetic.
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0 votes
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mgross 359 0
12/02/2003 05:43 PM
Don't they have those big metal detectors you walk through after taking everything metal off of you?
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0 votes
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DemoMonkey 166,232 10
12/02/2003 05:47 PM
"I'm going to gently press on your brassiere,"
How much better the world would be if we could use that phrase more often.
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0 votes
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shoelace414 10,080 12
12/02/2003 06:05 PM
First to post!
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0 votes
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NavyBoy 19,912 12
10/04/2004 11:20 AM
Actually, Mr. College Graduate, that would be Bachelor's...
That is all.
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0 votes
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AmyPoo: back in the saddle 2,710 12
10/05/2004 02:26 AM
When I flew out of Providence, they had me go in this booth that has these little jets that puff air at you, and then it analyzes the air for chemical traces and stuff. weird.
also, you are not allowed to get out of your seat for any reason while flying within 30 minutes of DC either way.
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0 votes
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iconfig 0 3
03/12/2010 12:07 AM
pssssh we all know magneto simply shifted the poles of his magnetic shield at 60hz and thats why he could stop bullets.
if your interested in the science check out AC electromagnets they can attract any metal thats a good electrical conductor of electricity
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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dasypygal-unwaxed 12,075 15
03/12/2010 03:57 AM
I prefer to travel on one-way tickets with no checked luggage.
I always get searched.
It's nice to get felt up by a random stranger from time to time.
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0 votes
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Madness 4,360 10
03/13/2010 04:24 AM
You could just get that at my house.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
03/13/2010 07:11 AM
I don't think you're random enough.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Madness 4,360 10
03/16/2010 09:01 AM
Come on, she barely knows me.
I've been registered on Live for 7 months and have not formed any meaningful connections with anybody, short of pissing Whisler off for a little while by changing my name to Whistler P. McMadness.
Which I guess is not only meaningful, but also worthwhile.
I think I'm more than qualified to feel her up.
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