I've Got Zits In Weird Places
A comedy article
by Fratberry  282,615  53
12/12/2003 11:37 AM 1777 views
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I'm just getting to sleep last night when I feel something painful on my leg. I reach down toward the inside/back part of my right thigh and there's this HUGE bump on it.
Where the Frost did that come from?
Thinking that it must either be a tumor or a third, wandering testicle, I decided to go to the bathroom to investigate further. I shut the bathroom door and turned on the light. I didn't want to wake up my wife to the sight of my pale, out-of-shape ass searching for this newfound leg carbunkle.
Turns out it was a zit. I big ol' ripe one. Now, consider the fact that I had removed my boxer briefs but, in my sleepy state, had decided it was a good thing to do to leave one ankle in while I propped my right foot up on the counter to get at this peach of an intruder.
I popped it. It made a sound. So did I.
It was one of those that you not only hear outside, but inside your head as well. I let out a yelp that would have made any self respecting dog nod in appreciation of such a well crafted non-human noise.
I proceeded to jump around on one leg around the bathroom thinking for all the world that THIS action would surely make the pain stop. All the while my underwear is twirling around my left ankle.
It was at this point that my wife, wondering why there was a dog in her bathroom, swung the door open and saw the sight I was trying to save her from. Even in her sleepy and somewhat shocked state she was still able to shoot off, "I think maybe you've forgotten how to masturbate."
And with that she closed the door and went back to bed. She also happened to let in one of our foster kittens who proceeded to attach itself to my underwear and try valiantly to make off with its precious.
Finally, as the pain subsided, the kitten ended up on the other side of the room and I was finally able to see just what had popped out of my body. Lets just say it was gross. And it had a pointy little hair in it.
Which required some minor surgery with a pair of tweezers. And a bandaid. Some sort of ointment and even a painkiller wouldn't have been a bad idea either.
This morning my wife nearly fell in the shower laughing as I was explaining to her just exactly what had happened.
I think now I'm going to have to get her to catch me masturbating just so she'll know I'm telling the truth. And that I'm not crazy. Just a pitiful guy.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
118 votes
5.0
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0 votes
0.0
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Livewire 78,229  13
01/05/2004 12:03 PM
...where the Oxy drowns, and the Stridex chases my zits away...
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0 votes
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
01/05/2004 12:18 PM
Very funny Frat! Good article.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Gonzo 20,522 17
01/05/2004 12:18 PM
Um....
I once noticed I had a zit while at a fish hatchery. That's a pretty wierd place.
Again.
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0 votes
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Chili 8,880 12
01/05/2004 12:20 PM
Sounds like an ingrown hair to me. Your wife is teh funny.
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0 votes
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Tastes like Chickens 286,326 61
01/05/2004 12:21 PM
Inside. the. ear.
Ouchy McOuch Ouch
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0 votes
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Virnomine 79,386 11
01/05/2004 12:34 PM
anyone else ever had one on their penis? no? must have been herpes.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Tastes like Chickens 286,326 61
01/05/2004 12:35 PM
Yes, for a while back in Jr. High till I figured out it was caused by blocked pores from the baby oil.
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0 votes
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Livewire 78,229 13
01/05/2004 01:02 PM
This article needs one of Hargrave's patented "Even though this article is a rerun, please rate it as though it were new" disclaimers.
It was well worth clicking again.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Fratberry 282,615 53
01/05/2004 03:16 PM
Thanks everybody. I had initially posted this as a regular thread. When it got a decent response, I asked John if I could submit it as an article. He was kind enough to accept it, even though its not normally done.
Thanks John. I'll go ahead and update my resume to include "published author" now.
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0 votes
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Trae (Please return me to my upright position) 156,785 17
01/05/2004 03:17 PM
Go ahead and add "zip popper" too, you disgusting pig. Take a bath once in a while and things like that don't happen.
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0 votes
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Fratberry 282,615 53
01/05/2004 03:27 PM
Trae,
I do take a bath "once in a while".
Hmmm, maybe I ought to switch to "every day".
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0 votes
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Virnomine 79,386 11
01/05/2004 03:43 PM
Nevermind her, she lives in the south. They have to pass laws to make people bathe down there.
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0 votes
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Virnomine 79,386 11
01/05/2004 03:50 PM
I'm not talking about how you have sex with farm implements...
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0 votes
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boogaloo 0 9
01/05/2004 09:00 PM
pitiful=hysterical. keep it coming, fart.
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0 votes
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Shayrose 195 10
01/06/2004 01:14 AM
I can just picture the scene with your wife.
One of my friends got caught masurbating by his brother. Friend was in bathroom, one leg up on counter, hairbruss handle in ass, jacking away on penis, when Brother opens door and they make eye contact in mirror. Horrified, he slams door and things are a little weird in the apartment for a while. At the time both guys were in their mid to late 20's.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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happydude 60 9
01/06/2004 11:32 AM
Nice comment, Shay. That wasn't disgusting at all. Good visual. Needed that. Blech.
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0 votes
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meancoffeebean 348 8
07/28/2004 07:17 PM
<action>scrambles to regain balance in chair, and composure on face</action>
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0 votes
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Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,744 10
07/28/2004 07:28 PM
hairbruss handle in ass
I hope it was the other brothers brush...
Nice article, I liked the part about the kitty...
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0 votes
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The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
07/28/2004 07:40 PM
I've got zits in weird places
Where the boils ooze and the blackheads chafe
My balls all day.
But I'll be ok.
While I don't have an acne face
Think I need to make some Oxy space
Cuz I've got zits in weird places.
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0 votes
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AussieSarah 8,390 9
07/28/2004 08:02 PM
That wasn't a pimple it was your d!ck - you've just castrated yourself
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Fratberry 282,615 53
09/21/2006 03:45 PM
she was still able to shoot off
I can't believe I missed that before.
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0 votes
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Brewmaster 596 7
09/21/2006 04:25 PM
Good article. Congratulations on author-status.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Fratberry 282,615 53
09/21/2006 05:08 PM
Thanks man. Its taken forever.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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No Spring Chickens 286,326 61
04/08/2008 04:18 PM
Bursting zit and flying kitten cudos.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.5
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Fratberry 282,615 53
01/28/2009 03:27 PM
I am bumping this because I just found it again and I thought some of the newbies might enjoy reading it. Also, I am narsiccisticfrrlbrmthic.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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werty0987 47 10
01/28/2009 06:59 PM
pix plz k thz bye
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Test Tube Baby Now In High Def 828 5
01/28/2009 08:54 PM
Just one question:
Did you paint the ceiling when you busted it ?
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Devil Man 32 5
01/28/2009 09:18 PM
Hey, good stuff Frat.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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dammitthedog 127 5
01/28/2009 09:30 PM
Haha I hate when this happens to me.
I once had a pimple on my kneecap that was hurting all day.
That was the day I found out that people don't want to hear about that anywhere but some place like zug......
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Thud 68,437 19
01/28/2009 09:34 PM
Tell us more. Slowly.
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0 votes
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Juan Campos 1,173 5
02/27/2009 11:51 PM
I have a similar problem. Except instead of zits, I seem to have a horrible recurring case of MRSA.
So, not that similar.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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UnderMcHaggis 101,368 77
05/13/2009 11:52 AM
Not about warts, but still Frost-ing disgusting and fits the contest theme. Warts up dude?
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0 votes
0.0
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xentar 473 7
05/13/2009 01:02 PM
"wandering third testicle"
Well, judging by the rest of the article, it fits the description.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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KChiki - Flu Free! (knock on wood) 127,991 98 sings.
05/13/2009 01:19 PM
I've got zits in weird places
Where my finger digs and starts scrapin'
the pus awaaaaaaaaaaay
Will I be okaaaaaaaaaaay?
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Fratberry 282,615 53 vomits
05/13/2009 04:32 PM
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