Highlights From This Year's ZUG Christmas Party
Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who were too drunk, too stoned, or too stupid to find this year's party, I, Hammerhead, took it upon myself to record incrimin...I mean all the hilarity that happened at this year's ZUG Christmas Party. I had a hidden camera in my lapel with a microphone in the lovely tissue paper rose that was duct taped to my faux suede lapel on the oversized satin tux jacket with tails.
After reviewing the tape for the "best" stuff, I have compiled a great review of the highlights of the evening. Those of you who missed out, and you know who you are, this review should give you plenty of material to laugh with your fellow GABbers and not at them. Oh, who am I kidding? Laugh at them. I will be selling copies of the blackmail parts (not included in this review) in the lobby after the show to the highest bidders. Except for the juiciest tidbits, those are in my private stash, along with the GPS coordinates of Jimmy Hoffa's burial plot, and the Secret Government's tape of the Lincoln Assassination. Enjoy!
We start off at the beginning, as every one is arriving. Ringworm is already drunk (who would've guessed?) and has a Camelback full of vodka Kool-Aid. In comes everybody's favorite stalker, Mookie. Watch out folks, he already has that "come here, I want to defile your remains" look in his eyes. This should make for an interesting evening.
Next it's QTA, pilling out of, whoa, wait, how'd they rent the Weinermobile? I'm seeing Declan, Mavis, the ever lovely Miss Trixxie, and wait, who's that coming out at the back of the group? Yes, it's Puggy, pulling up the rear. Sorry, my attention has been drawn to the left of the group, as Chickens, Noki, and Eric N. arrive on their motorcycles. And here comes Bob Johnson in his, what seems to be a poorly constructed UFO body on a golf cart chassis. Foolish Earthlings!
I see a rather large Excursion limo has pulled up, and a large group of females are getting out, lead by Trae, who is, oh, yeah, those are real. Chance, Aimless, Daggy, Punkin', Bunny, Lila, all follow out of the limo, looking like a bachelorette party in Vegas. I'll let the others file in on their own. It's time to head inside, and see how this is going to start. Let's go!
Oh, we're having a banquet. The buffet has some lovely items for us. Some twat-waffles, with maple syrup, a pan of stir fried asshat, some flambe noob, some chilled monkey testicles, grilled ox intestine, sauteed whale blubber, some Wow! Potato Chips in various flavors, some pee soup, some window-licking lamb's tongue, and down there you can get a nice warm cup of STFU. I know how this seems, ladies and gentlemen, these items are not as they are labeled, except for the Olestra-tastic chips. Thanks, John!
It seems as though every one is done, and John makes his way to the podium at the front of the room. I guess they're going to start the serious portion of tonight's festivities, before everyone gets plastered. John is making a speech about how ZUG has made the switch to the new server, and how everything in his plot to take over South Boston has started to come into focus. He is giving an award to someone who has made a difference for ZUG, and, oh my, it's Jay! He hands Jay a wiener on a fork award, and a ZUG t-shirt. Now, he's sitting down. Jay is giving his speech, and he too is giving an award. It's to John, for making ZUG such a great place. It's a roll of toll booth tokens, and a wiener on a stick award, and a ZUG t-shirt. John accepts his award, makes his speech about how he wants to thank each and every one of us, however he forgot all our names, but we're real special. There's one more award to give out, it's a three way tie for the Clovis award, and this years recipients are Studio, Ass-Whisperer, and Juggernautbaby! Although none of them are here, since we told them that the party this year was being held at the Blue Oyster Bar. He he! That ends the award portion of our evening ladies and gentlemen. John and Jay go off hand in hand to congratulate each other.
Ok, moving on. Now we see that the bar is open, and the music starts. Oh, look, there's Spicey, playing DJ tonight. He never gets to enjoy these things. And as he's spinning right round, baby, right round, the disco ball begins to spin, and he puts on Disco Fever. Wait, what's that dark figure in the middle of the dance floor? Oh! It's Chi-Chi, the disco ninja! Wow, I didn't even see him sneak in. That crafty ninja. As I wander around a bit, I see that someone has joined us late. Here comes Virn. Thanks for being here buddy.
I begin to scan the rest of the crowd, and I see that after I came inside, Livewire, Pubah, in his best homeless attire, Kittuns, Frogpop, Lunchbox, Butternuts, Beeblebrox, Whistler, and Mr. Glass sulking in the corner, all joined us. There are quite a few faces, that I'm not sure who they are. Maybe next year we should give out name tags. Although some idiot would more than likely put on theirs, "Hi, My Name Is: Penis" or, "Hi, My Name Is: Can I Frost Trae?" or some stupid Shakespeare. That would more than likely be a noob. We will then have them escorted off the premises.
OK, I've cut out some boring stuff here, just some usual drinking games, and the like. The alcohol hasn't started to kick in yet. Ok, now it has. The dance floor is jumping, the party is in full swing. I need to drain the lizard, so I head to the bathroom, and low and behold, QTA is in there, "initiating" Puggy. It's about time, he needed it. Don't get excited, I've edited out the good stuff, but just to let you know, I hurried up and shook off, I didn't want to disturb them.
Now I'm back out in the party, Kittuns is now dancing on a table, with her top off. She was dancing alone way to early in the party. This is about an hour after the booze started flowing. Ringworm is leaning against a wall again. He's about eight sheets to the wind here. What's that racket? The podium is shaking and bouncing around. I don't even want to know what's going on under there. There's a strip poker game going on in that corner. Trae is winning. That's turning into a sausage fest. Just to the left of the dance floor, there's a game of "Pin the Dick on the Goatse." I'm not even going to ask who brought that. Wow, there goes Mookie, and some noob girl. Wait! Don't go with him! Aww, Frost it. I'll see her face in the paper in a couple days.
Ok, we'll skip ahead, as most of the tape from here on out is in the ZUG Gone Wild blackmail tape. Buy your copy today! As we finish this review, we see that most of the GABbers are passed out drunk around the place. Lloyd showed up with his Nigerian scam partner. He seems to have started a beautiful relationship with him. Ringworm is still holding that wall up. Trae has a new pile of men's clothing to give to Goodwill. Lila's sitting in a dark closet all by herself. And Puggy won't be able to sit for a week. Lunchbox won a Tubgirl tape for pinning the dick on the goatse. Some idiot threw a ham at Virn, and he left early. All in all, we had a great time. For those of you who missed it, be sure to make it next year. And get your copy of ZUG: Uncut and Raw, Too Hot for T.V. today.
|
|
Store
59,399 
14 
48,304 
12
