Insensitivity and the Human Digestive System
A comedy article
by Livewire  78,229  13
12/31/2003 01:16 AM 360 views
|
|
Dateline: Today. I was heading back to the office after lunch. The front of our building is used as a smoke pit. That's fine with me--I can hold my breath from the sidewalk to the front door.
So I stepped into the elevator, right behind a woman who had been outside smoking. I knew she had been outside smoking, because she smelled like burnt ass.
Into the terribly slow elevator we went. I pushed the button marked "2"; she pushed "3". No sooner had the doors closed, than she opened her wrinkly maw and exhaled two crusty, shriveled lungs' worth of toxic cigarette smoke.
In mere moments, the once-clear elevator had taken on the atmosphere of a dirty sports bar. What really angered me was the smirk she wore on her face. There was nothing I could do, except turn away and hold my breath.
Nothing, that is, until my brain received a message from below. The message was: pressure reaching critical -- engage valve release!
I clenched my stomach muscles, and like a cannon I released a loud, long, fart the likes of which legends are made of. The type of fart that leaves children in stunned awe of their dad. The type of fart that gets a husband kicked out of the bed--for the week!
I didn't even turn back to get a look at her face. It would have cheapened the moment. I simply exited at the second floor, and left her in the grim, gloomy cloud of cigarette smoke and butt stench, proud that I had bested this urban bully.
My farts were exceptionally stinky today too.
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Side-splitting
103 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=837677
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
19 Comments on "Insensitivity and the Human Digestive System"
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=859110
nubbie 397  9
01/30/2004 05:22 PM
you rock!!!
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=859114
DemoMonkey, the Simian Who Would Be King. 166,252 10
01/30/2004 05:24 PM
Posts like this transcend truth. If they aren't true, they should be.
Bravo, valiant flatu-naught. Bravo.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=859125
no_key_bandit 76,490 10
01/30/2004 05:50 PM
You are my new hero!
Tip: Before forcing gas, recollect the contents of all meals up to twenty-four hours ago. Failure to adhere to this may cause a steaming load of trouser-chili.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=859133
Virnomine 79,386 11
01/30/2004 06:00 PM
If you've had plenty of cheese though, you may unleash a chili brick.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=859179
Kellogg's Porn Flakes 3,943 11
01/30/2004 07:00 PM
Any mention of the word fart always warrants an otto. Plus, I used to be a stinky smoker.
Now I'm just stinky. Yay me!
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=859209
Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
01/30/2004 07:47 PM
When you smoke, you have no idea how stinky smokers are until you quit. But no one quits farting. Livewire is the sixth Kid in the Hall.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=859463
Livewire 78,229 13
01/31/2004 02:11 AM
On paper, I thought my ice cube thingy was funnier. But in retrospect, I think I like this one better too. I'd like to note here (mainly so I'll remember later) that this is the first (and probably last) article posted by myself from my desk at work. People playing video games at their desks caused a crackdown and ruined my Gabbing at work. Assclowns.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=859467
Bad Donkey 19,242 12
01/31/2004 02:14 AM
Livewire, I officially take back any bad things I may have ever said about you, or may say about you in the future.
You, sir, rock.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=859470
Bad Donkey 19,242 12
01/31/2004 02:16 AM
I also predict that this thread will be a classic thread, the likes of which haven't been seen since "Idiotic Ramblings", "Meat Is Good" and "The Lawsuit Against GAB".
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=930631
Fratberry 282,615 53
05/04/2004 10:22 AM
Absolute comedy gold. Bump for the May folks. How did this not get a full tube? Get to work people!
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=931985
Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 10
05/05/2004 07:09 PM
Tessa the Tard, SUYT?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=931986
18 SecondsBeforeSunriseJane 173,958 15
05/05/2004 07:10 PM
You stupid bitch. They have the right to smoke, but not the right to smoke inside where there are people who get sick from smoke. And I'm saying this as a person who smoked for many many years, up until Monday when I quit.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=931997
Livewire 78,229 13
05/05/2004 07:16 PM
Tessa the Bold rhymes with "Comedy Gold".
I'm just sayin'.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=932124
The Mailman 176,432 56
05/05/2004 09:21 PM
Livewire has the right to fart. Everyone does. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean he has to stop. And don't start that "guys-are-gross" thing. That's BS. I've done my fair share of research on it.
And yes, I do fart, and I think farting is a weird bodily function, but people have the right to fart if they want to fart. They know the risks, but they choose to give themselves relief anyway. Whatever, it's their stupid body.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=932433
Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
05/06/2004 08:55 AM
I've done my fair share of research on it.
Translation:
My baby has been breathing my second-hand smoke in our trailer for three years, and she doesn't have cancer yet.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=932535
Drenius 10 9
05/06/2004 12:18 PM
Umm yeah... Tessa?
...
You suck
Go die
...
please
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=972516
The Last One 7 9
06/27/2004 11:29 PM
Bravo! I applaud you! Most would do nothing and the short-tempered would just curse. But you, yes you my friend did the unthinkable! A Beautifully placed fart beats the best insult.
~One in a million
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=972532
PowBlocks 782 8
06/27/2004 11:54 PM
Llunch Llady Lloyd... Good one. I wish I could clicky you for that.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1205103
lycos 291 8
05/26/2005 05:48 AM
This article shows what poop humour can strive to be.
Bravo, Livewire.
|
|
|
|
Store