570 10
01/05/2004 12:51 PM

And I apologise for the bad spelling.



The excitement is too much for me

Ghandi with the Winds 15,434 11
01/05/2004 12:54 PM

Babies are just like kinetic watches - you have to shake them to get them started. When you get your baby home shake it for a good 5 minutes and it should run perfect for years to come.

No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
01/05/2004 01:01 PM

Make sure you know the difference between a raw chicken and your newborn.

HighSoci 30,076 18
01/05/2004 01:02 PM

Prepare for the worst poo you will ever see. I'll tell you a little story that will help you be a little more prepared...



When my wife and I had our first baby, he was a month premature and they wouldn't let him leave the hospital until he pooed. After a few days he finally went, but we didn't have to see it or change it. Before going home, we had to stop off at Wal-Mart for a few things since he was early. Well what do you know, he decides he is ready to drop the load. Ok, I have been to rotten.com, freakhole.com, and even ogrish.com, but dear God I was never prepared for what my eyes were about to lay wonder upon. This Shakespeare was worse than roofing tar and it wouldn't stop coming out. Just days before we couldn't get any Shakespeare out of him and now it was like turning on a faucet and the handle breaking. There was poo going everywhere. People were walking by with this, "new parents huh?" look on their faces and my wife is laughing her ass off while I'm screaming and yelling for another wipee. After wrestling with this for what seemed like 3 hours, we finally had changed the first poo diaper and managed to only get about half of it on us.

DemoMonkey, the Simian Who Would Be King. 166,252 10
01/05/2004 01:05 PM

We'll ignore the spelling mistake in the thread title, but post-parenting? Post?



You people are a morbid lot.

Trae LaTrash 156,785 17
01/05/2004 01:06 PM

1. Help your wife as much as possible when she comes home.

Rage brought on my post partem hormonal changes is not pretty.



2. Do not mark the days down on the calendar for when you can have sex again. For her it will be like sticking a red hot poker up there.



3. While it's cute to have the little tyke fall asleep on the couch with you, he can fall off so put pillows on the floor.



4. Buy him a hockey jersey. What baby doesn't look cute with a hockey jersey.



5. Do not lift him in the air over your head and coo "You are so cute! Yes you are." right after he's eaten. Trust me on this one.

Tastes like Chickens 286,326 61
01/05/2004 01:19 PM

Don't feel bad about needing a plastic sheet, a large table and an entire box of wipes for your diaper changes at this point. Soon you will be able to change the guy on the run with a single ply while eating a hamburger with the other hand.

Chili 8,880 12
01/05/2004 01:23 PM

What HighSoci is talking about is meconium stool. Unless you hate your wife, or she wants to do it, it can be a great point-grabber to take care of it all yourself. I did that with my three boys, and my wife appreciated not having to scrape roofing tar off of her children's butts quite a bit.

Tastes like Chickens 286,326 61
01/05/2004 01:25 PM

Oh, and no matter how much sense it makes to you at the time, going outside and hozing the baby off is not gonna fly with your wife.

Ghandi with the Winds 15,434 11
01/05/2004 01:28 PM

After the first few months - begin suggesting anal sex as birth control.

Trae LaTrash 156,785 17
01/05/2004 01:29 PM

.......with the baby.

No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
01/05/2004 01:32 PM

I can not believe I am the first to click on HighSoci's post. I am still laughing about it.

Chili 8,880 12
01/05/2004 01:34 PM

Your baby will either be up all night, or will be an immediate 10 hour sleeper. If the former is true, please tell us so we can laugh at you. If the latter is true, just shut the hell up, you lucky bastard.

Atsune Leeming 1,445 10
01/05/2004 01:36 PM

That was four years ago and I still laugh about it. I got one for you.. any one of you ever heard of the disposable changing pads? well my cousin changed a poo diaper for the first time while we were at the store and I asked her to use it and a few hours later I checked his diaper and she had put it on him like a maxi-pad.. I roll with laughter on that one too. she said "I thought I was supposed to use it to make the diaper last longer I wasn't sure what it really was."

Nguyen 23,705 11
01/05/2004 01:39 PM

When she says she can't have sex cause she just had a baby, remind her it didn't come out of her mouth.

butternuts 14,362 10
01/05/2004 01:40 PM

When starting a heroin binge, put the toilet seat down and lock it tight.

Chili 8,880 12
01/05/2004 01:42 PM

Listen to nothing that your pediatrician says. They are all communists, every last one of them.

butternuts 14,362 10
01/05/2004 01:43 PM

For the first six months the constant spitting up is far worse than the poop.

Atsune Leeming 1,445 10
01/05/2004 01:45 PM

Totally unrelated but I know a relative who used her breast milk to keep a baby squirrel alive. We joke to her about breastfeeding rodents now.

Chili 8,880 12
01/05/2004 01:48 PM

Oh, speaking of breastmilk, if your wife is pumping be sure to treat the stuff like liquid gold. A friend of mine once gave his daughter a late-night bottle feeding, with pumped milk, and when he was done there was a little left in the bottle. He just poured it down the drain and rinsed out the bottle. When his wife (who had post-partum depression) found out she actually collapsed onto the floor in hysterics.

butternuts 14,362 10
01/05/2004 01:50 PM

Amy did the same thing to me when I told her the Mac -n- Cheese I was eating was "extra special."

Nguyen 23,705 11
01/05/2004 01:52 PM

Speaking of Post-Partum,





When her head starts to spin, GET THE Frost OUT AND NEVER LOOK BACK!!!!!!



At least till you have to file the claim on your house for being burned to the ground.....

HighSoci 30,076 18
01/06/2004 12:05 AM

*bump* for the night gabbers

Misbehavin' Pubah 56,794 18
01/06/2004 12:17 AM

<action>Hugs Trae for the sage and sound advice</action>



Run now Hammer...while you can.



Tell the wife you're going to get milk and keep going!



Drink the milk before it goes bad...or give it to that homeless guy at the library.

TableTopJane 173,958 15
01/06/2004 12:18 AM

Screw that. Het twinkies-they never go bad.

Misbehavin' Pubah 56,794 18
01/06/2004 12:20 AM

Seriously, go easy on her the first time out. You can take your time, go slow and screw her all night, or rush to a quick pounding and not get any more for a couple of weeks.

Your choice dude...masturbate (while dreaming of her)

Bob Spaowitz, The Kosher King 605 10
01/06/2004 12:55 AM

Get ready for your worst nightmare come true

endless hours of Frost-ing elmo Shakespeare, barney skit, seaseme street Shakespeare, bob the builder Shakespeare, cartoon Shakespeare, and baby Shakespeare

Basically a baby = a god's gift of Shakespeare

HighSoci 30,076 18
01/06/2004 02:03 AM

that's because you are looking at it all the wrong way.... i look at it as someone to wash my car, mow my lawn, and paint the house in 15 years

Bob Spaowitz, The Kosher King 605 10
01/06/2004 02:05 AM

or a Shakespeare head to bail out of jail for selling dope to his buddies



hammerhead make sure you beat his ass good and long

PuggyD 48,304 12
01/06/2004 02:07 AM

<action> laughs at the breeders but cries cuz he ain't gettin' none nohow </action>

HighSoci 30,076 18
01/06/2004 02:07 AM

or a Shakespeare head to bail out of jail for selling dope to his buddies





what comes around goes around

Bad Donkey 19,242 12
01/06/2004 03:37 AM

Make your suicide look like an accident so that the kid still gets the insurance money.

Frogpop the Snowman 173,148 25
01/06/2004 03:40 AM

Always always cut the RED wire.

MissBehave 3,853 11
01/06/2004 03:44 AM

If he goes through the biting stage, don't spank him. Just make him wear one of those pet surgical cones.

Frogpop the Snowman 173,148 25
01/06/2004 03:57 AM

Muzzles are cute too, and help early on in the teething process.

*Chance* 171,270 14
01/06/2004 10:06 AM

In the movies when a woman has a baby boy they always show a scene where the baby pees in your mouth, eye, chest...ect. That is not an exaggeration. When he has to pee and you have that diaper off WATCH OUT!! When I would change my son and noticed he had a little boner I would put the diaper back and hold my hand there until it felt warm. I never got peed on. His daddy and my mom got wet often. I never shared my secret.

Virnomine 79,386 11
01/06/2004 10:10 AM

I do the same thing. Whenever I get a little boner I put my hand there until it's warm. Then I take a nap. Guess I'm still a baby.

HighSoci 30,076 18
11/22/2004 07:33 PM

Ok, so it has been almost a year and still no stories. What gives HH?

Hammerhead-O-Lantern 59,399 14
11/22/2004 07:50 PM

I didn't want to bore/annoy/regale you with stories from my son. I know it's a pain in the ass when new parents are all "Guess what my child did..."



But I will tell you that he's at the "Cheerios" stage, meaning he loves the little donut shaped cereal. The other day, the box of Cheerios was sitting on the floor next to the desk, within easy reach in order to serve him a handfull of snacking pleasure. He was sitting in front of the couch and noticed the bright yellow box that houses the munchy goodness, and he decided to explore it.



Of course, he noticed the printed Cheerios on the box and tried to reach for them. He then attempted to pick up the printed cheerio in order to eat it, and was looking back at Mrs. Hammerhead very confused as to why it wasn't coming off. This sent my wife in to a fit of hysterical laughter that lasted at least five minutes.

Mr. Bri-hamloaf 38,843 10
11/22/2004 08:21 PM

Funny story my mom told me a while ago. I am 13 months younger than my older brother, and anyone capable of math knows that I must have been concieved 4 months after his birth. Apparently, my parents assumed it was too soon after my brother's birth for my mom to get pregnant again, so they didn't bother with birth control. A few weeks later, however, my mom started taking birth control pills again. Then she found out that she was pregnant with me and totally freaked out. She was worried that the drugs might have an affect on me. She thought I'd be born retarded or something.



Anyway, ever since I've blamed those pills whenever I do something wrong.

Hammerhead-O-Lantern 59,399 14
11/22/2004 08:47 PM

Oh, and if I weren't married, I'd get so much tail because of my son. He's got those bright blue eyes that mesmerize women. I'm usually the one walking around with him, and I always get hot chicks stopping and talking to me about him. They can't get over his beautiful blue eyes and his smile. Anyone interested in seeing for yourself, e-mail addy in profile and I'll send you a pic.





Yeah, he's going to be a lady killer when he grows up.

ringworm 68,315 13
11/22/2004 09:05 PM

like ted bundy.

Hammerhead-O-Lantern 59,399 14
11/22/2004 09:06 PM

Better than Bud Bundy.

DemoMarshmallowSalad 166,252 10
11/22/2004 09:25 PM

Grandmaster B! GRANDMASTER B!!

Whistler P. McManus 185,889 44
11/22/2004 09:50 PM

Rule #1 of parenting:



Never let them outnumber you.





Believe me on this one. I have 10 brothers and sisters. I watched in glee as my parents' sanity slipped away. Two is the limit, if you have a life partner. One if you don't.

The Sweet Potato Priestess 58,741 29
11/22/2004 09:57 PM

I want 2, 3 max. I am getting scooped out after 3.

Jokey McSimpsonsMeme 12,005 12
11/22/2004 10:46 PM

Babies are born full of candy, like a pinata. You can whack it all out on the first day and the baby will be OK. But after that the candy turns to guts and you will go to jail.

Jokey McSimpsonsMeme 12,005 12
11/22/2004 10:55 PM

There's licorice coming out of their stomach for pete's sake.