One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, doh!
A comedy article
by Lunchboxxx/The Love Below  14,650  10
01/12/2004 05:15 AM 518 views
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 Every year the fratboys and I drive down to Laredo, Texas, for our annual fraternity formal. Laredo is a border town with Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. So naturally after the dinner and such, we walk across the border for cheap liquor, children selling Chiclets on the sidewalk, and an overall sense of danger.
Flexing our American monetary muscle and our meathead wolf pack mentality, we usually are able to rent out a club for the night, often with some sort of unlimited drink situation. Freshman year, the first formal I went to, was quite unforgettable. The reason it is memorable is that every time I open the liquor cabinet, now almost four years later, I see a little slice of Mexico staring back at me.
There's a law that states Americans can purchase liquor in Mexico and bring it back into America with only a few cents tax, but one person cannot exceed two liters of liquor in a single trip. I could purchase liquor in Mexico (since I was 18), but, being a minor in America, I convinced an older frat brother to carry a liter of liquor across the border for me.
We made our way into the glistening ghetto of Nuevo Laredo, dates on our arms, and up to the doors of the club. The club, as luck would have it, was a liquor store in front and a dance club and bar in back. As we walked past the shelves of liquor and into the club itself, I looked over the bottles for just the right liter to buy for myself at the end of the night.
The night went on, and the unlimited drinks got me completely rat-faced. It was great. As everyone began to round their dates up to leave, I hurried into the liquor store, which, at 3 a.m., was still open (I love Mexican laws). I desperately looked for that one bottle that wanted to make nasty love to my liver. The single liquor that would be the epitome of Mexico. I wanted a tequila with the spirit of Pancho Villa in it. Most of all, though, I wanted a bottle -- I needed a bottle -- with a big tequila worm in it.
I scanned the shelf with my blurred vision and saw this jug-shaped bottle of tequila with two enormous worms in it. My prrrrecccioussss.
The next morning we all began to slowly pack our things, giving each article of clothing the smell test for vomit or urine. Or both. I picked up my perfect bottle of Mexican tequila chock full o' worms and began to read the label closely.
What I thought was the best Mexican tequila was really a pepper vodka from Canada. It was called "Inferno." The golden color? That was the putrid coloring from two long green pickled peppers floating in the jug. I was upset for about two minutes, before I realized that I was a minor and had liquor, and that is never bad.
My roommates and I took our first shot of the impostor tequila a few days later. It not only smelled and tasted putrid from the pickled peppers in it, but it was also way too hot to drink, even in Bloody Marys.
Inferno became the joke of my dorm, and I would always bring it out as a dare for especially wasted nights. About half the time, the shot of Inferno would cause the drinker to puke on the spot. Inferno was Canada's way of lashing out at the world for all the abuse it gets.
To this day, nearly four years later, we still have about 7/8 of that liter of Inferno left. It has lost much of its spiciness, but it is still the worst-tasting liquor I've ever had. So the moral of the story is that looks are deceiving ... and can lead to vomiting. Wait, that is the worst moral ever.
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Side-splitting
43 votes
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12 Comments on "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, doh!"
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Fratberry 282,615  53
01/15/2004 10:52 AM
If you haven't done so already, you need to rent the movie Fandango. Being where you are in your life and geographical location, I think you'll have a great appreciation for the movie. Besides, its just a great movie anyway.
Good article.
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no_key_bandit 76,490 10
01/15/2004 11:04 AM
This mistake wouldn't have happened if it weren't for NAFTA.
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Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
01/15/2004 11:06 AM
Or NAMBLA.
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Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
01/15/2004 11:12 AM
More than you know.
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DemoMonkey, the Simian Who Would Be King. 166,252 10
01/15/2004 11:31 AM
You're supposed to drink it at arctic temperatures (bottle 12 hours in the freezer minimum). It's quite intriguing stuff if you're not a spice wuss.
Warm, it is the vilest substance in creation.
Good story.
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Therlin 12,200 13
01/15/2004 11:47 AM
The bad thing about tequila is what I like to call "tequila poopies" the morning after. They look like raisenets, but with a less delicious smell.
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Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
01/15/2004 11:48 AM
Tequila poopies aren't so bad unless they are in your pants.
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Sexual Harassment Panda 181,718 70
01/15/2004 11:53 AM
....and then the blonde said, "Every time I drink tequila and pass out, I wake up and my ass hurts!"
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shoelace414 10,080 13
01/15/2004 02:58 PM
You can make "firewater"
my dad had some firewater vodka for about 15 years until his death. the bottle was never finished. you need
1) Vodka
2) 4 Dried Red Hot Peppers
Put Dried peppers in bottle and wait I believe it was four days for maximum heat.
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deadsalmon 33 9
01/17/2004 01:28 AM
What blows my mind is how you mistook those two peppers for worms. I don't think I could be drunk enough to see those as two, enormous red worms through my beer goggles -- by that point I'd have enough alcohol in my system to render me blind (and/or unconcious, I suppose).
What the hell business does Canada have shoving peppers into vodka anyways? Damned Canucks.
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Lunchboxxx/The Love Below 14,650 10
01/17/2004 07:21 PM
the peppers in mine are green, not red.
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