Porn On My Hands
A comedy article
by Fratberry  282,615  53
01/20/2004 02:34 PM 2286 views
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I do tech support for a University. The student body is an interesting mix of people, to say the least. Since I'm in charge of several labs, I have to interact with these students from time to time. At the beginning of every semester there's somebody low on the food chain to make life interesting for me.
One semester it was the boyfriend and girlfriend who shared a mutual love of snakes, and, apparently unable to find a sitter for the children, brought them into a lab while they did their homework. Big, stinky snakes. There was also the tard who, upon losing his term paper, busted a glass door on his way out of the building. Then there was the seeing-eye dog who took a huge steamy dump just outside of the lab, causing several unsuspecting students to slip across the floor in a doggie poo slide.
I try to be understanding of these students and their needs. Let's face it; college can be a mind bending experience. However, the guy who started visiting our labs this semester takes the cake.
I get a message on my machine from one of my student assistants who work in the lab one day: "I think there's a guy surfing for porn in here." I ignored this since A LOT of folks surf for porn in the labs. It happens. It's college. I usually won't say anything if it's discreet, even though its grounds for dismissal from the University.
The next day I get a message from another SA: "The porn guy is back." I guess this guy has been busy. So, this time I respond: "Is it bothering anybody in there? Where's he sitting?" When I say "discreet," I mean sitting in the back of the lab where other people can't see what you are doing. This is the response I got: "He's two machines down from me in the front of the lab. I swear to God I just saw him with his hand down his pants."
Hmmm. We may have a problem here.
I've taught my SA's how to confront "problem" students in the lab and how to handle certain situations. I didn't prepare anybody for something like this. So, instead of asking the SA to ask the guy to stop, I sent a message to his machine. Something like "Policy states that pornography is not allowed on University machines ... please stop at once. Thanks, Administrator."
It didn't work.
Message from SA: "He's still at it and he's DEFINITELY got his hand down his pants."
So, I remotely shut his machine down, hoping he'd get the hint and leave. Nope. He waited for the machine to turn off, turned it back on, logged in and started surfing for porn again.
Greeeeeeaaaaaaat.
Finally, I get off my ass and head down to the lab. I'm wondering what I'm going to say to him if he refuses to leave. Something like:
"Look, don't make this any harder than it is."
Maybe not. When I get there he sees me and starts "adjusting" himself. He's busted and he knows it since he's watching a movie full screen.
A little side note here. This was a young black student looking at fat white chicks and OLD white chicks. He really should have been shot on sight, for not being able to at least surf for quality porn.
Well, I asked him to leave, and when he did I spoke to him out in the hall about the reasons for being kicked out. He said he understood. Then, as he was leaving, he did something I was not expecting. He reached out to shake my hand.
Instinctively, I shook it. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I can't believe I shook his freakin' hand, I told my SA as I walked back into the lab. Well, of course I went to wash up. I thought about using one of the chemical showers in the Chemistry department. A delousing maybe. A full body peel wouldn't have been out of the question. Maybe I could just gnaw my hand off. After a dip in an acid bath.
Fifteen minutes later I noticed him in one of my other labs. This time he was sitting in the back row.
That's good enough for now.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
221 votes
5.0
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353  14
01/21/2004 07:33 PM
That is icky. He could have at least snuck off to the bathroom.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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mgross I saw the goatse man! 359 0
01/21/2004 09:30 PM
I work at a computer lab at Ball State University, and have run into these types too.
Go figure.
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0 votes
0.0
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Lunchboxxx/The Love Below 14,650 10
01/21/2004 09:44 PM
yeah id shake my hand if i accidentally shook a black guy's hand too.
totally kidding by the way. i love black people...except for pubah.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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HRH BobJohnson 178,045 22
01/21/2004 10:48 PM
Funny article. Until recently I worked for Computing and Network Services at a large university.
I've never heard of students masturbating while there are other people in the lab. But there were many incidences where a student would be whacking off late at night in an empty lab, and one of our proctors would stop by to close it down for the evening.
I think Campus Security told me they respond to an average of about 20 (I can't remember the exact number) suspected cases of computer-lab-masterbation per year.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Bad Donkey 19,242 12
01/21/2004 11:16 PM
This is why I had a PC at home when I was in college.
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0 votes
0.0
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Timmy The Talking Toilet 11,593 15
01/21/2004 11:30 PM
I as well worked the computer lab at where I was going. The building, Frost the campus was so dead I used to ride my go-ped through the hallways.
I was the only person in the building, so I would go anywhere and abuse every rule to extreme excess.
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0 votes
0.0
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superchicken 6,678 0
01/21/2004 11:35 PM
In 6th grade, i hid out in the library and whacked off to photography books while the librarian was on lunch, and it was closed.
I have you all BEAT, you loosers!
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0 votes
0.0
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superchicken 6,678 0
01/21/2004 11:35 PM
even the black guy and his white wimmin'.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.5
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Fratberry 282,615 53
01/22/2004 12:58 AM
The other thing I forgot to mention is that when I went to the restroom to wash my hands I also had to pee really bad. So, not thinking I waltzed right into a stall and damn near did my business before I came to my senses.
It could have been much, MUCH worse.
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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Frogpop, Gromulon Sympathizer 173,148 25
01/22/2004 01:43 AM
Maybe I could just gnaw my hand off
Yeah, go ahead and stick that hand right in your MOUTH!
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Big Chief Hammerhead 59,399 14
01/22/2004 02:36 AM
Ball State University, the red headed step-child of Indiana colleges.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Virnomine 79,386 11
01/22/2004 10:59 AM
Heh, nothing like obscure Indiana college references HH.
I love it.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Fratberry 282,615 53
01/22/2004 12:31 PM
Very good point. I, too, was a victim of our own southern tradition. You generally don't even think about it, reflex that it is.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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EVIL PETE 12 9
01/22/2004 01:43 PM
this must be at Chester i recognise the other storys, and was this lads name Mayo by chance?
..it must be, as please don't let there be another lad like him!!
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0 votes
0.0
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deadsalmon 33 9
01/23/2004 06:38 AM
It was Pubah!! It was Pubah!!!
Watch out for how you judge "quality" porn. That's all that some of us get. (ahem)
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Virnomine 79,386 11
01/23/2004 04:15 PM
But Larry Bird went to ISU!
Actually, I think you might have a point there.
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0 votes
0.0
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StormKat 2,051 9
06/03/2004 03:59 PM
"Look, don't make this any harder than it is."
Classic. Classic.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Bonky 75,728 15
08/19/2004 03:33 PM
And now, I sing.
Porn on my hands
you know that's what you were to me-eee.
Something something something . . .
Is Annie Lennox still alive?
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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The High Priestess of Awesomeness 58,741 29
08/19/2004 03:39 PM
I should hope so, or that was a dead woman singing at the Oscars!
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Fratberry 282,615 53
09/07/2005 05:56 PM
Don't mind me. I was just testing something. No, not your patience.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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Fratberry 282,615 53
09/08/2005 09:16 PM
Yeah, that's what I thought. Pretty cool. Nice work, John.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Fratberry 282,615 53
05/10/2006 09:46 AM
A voice on an internet message board told me to bump this.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Mung Champ 35,886 35
07/28/2008 02:34 PM
Bump for your birthday.
Oh, and I also moved your thread up by posting a comment. Now let's get back on the dance floor, "What Is Love" just came on.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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Fratberry 282,615 53
10/15/2008 03:44 PM
It's not every day you can bump an old article as a parody thread.
And thank God for that.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Crash Test Dracula 3,671 9
10/15/2008 07:15 PM
Thanks Frat, I wasn't GABbing in 2004. Excellent read! 5 orbs for you, all they're all well deserved.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Alfred, the Eater of Cats 51 6
04/22/2009 07:17 PM
i'm bumping this article!
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Thud 68,437 19
04/22/2009 07:37 PM
i'm bumping this article!
Holy Shakespeare, you're right! You did bump this article!
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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Bill da Squirrel 53,270 54
04/22/2009 07:44 PM
i'm bumping this article!
Holy Shakespeare, you're right! You did bump this article!
Hey, now that you have mastered bumping, why don't you practice pressing and holding the shift key, while you type the first letter, in the first word of your sentence.
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0 votes
0.0
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Rodion Raskolnikov 9 6
08/05/2009 10:42 AM
That's sick, why doesn't he do that at home ?? He likes the fact of doing it in public area?
poor you, you shaked his hand.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Worldisflat 27 5
10/14/2010 02:37 AM
Only losers bump old threads.
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